Step Into the Light

Chapter 16

"Every night, think of things I can't do or haven't done. And does it make me weak? Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. Is it all you see in me?

NAOMI'S POV:

I sat in bed and wrote about everything that happened today in my journal.

I have too many thoughts and feelings about it all that I have to get out.

I put down my journal and head to my music corner in my living room. I check the time on my phone and see that it is 11:00 P.M.. I put my phone on the bench next to me and start recording.

I think about the new steps I've taken foward in my life. And I think about how long it's taken me to take those steps, which slightly angers me. But I'm proud of myself for taking them at all. I think about how many times I've thought about trying, starting to ,then stopping. But then I think about how I'm scared, but I think I'm finally ready.

I start with really low chords. They hold power.

Then it hits me.

"Combat. I'm ready for combat. I say I don't want that but what if I do?" I sing out softly contrasting from the deep notes I was playing.

My whole life I have been afraid to admit to myself and other people what I really want to do with my life. But that doesn't mean I don't want to do it.

"Cause cruelty it wins in the movies... I've got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you." I sing out in the same tone as before.

I was cruel to myself by holding myself back and I guess I thought maybe if I kept holding myself back than I wouldn't want it any longer. And when I moved to LA to pursue a music career, I didn't go through with it.

One specific time was when Emma did this music show at the store and I said I would perform. There were talent scouts and important people that were gonna be there and that would have been a great opportunity...

If I would've gone through with it...

I made myself sick with anxiety and told her over the phone that I couldn't come the day of. She was rightfully annoyed at me because I said I'd be there but she eventually forgave me.

I don't think she was mad because she had to find a replacement, I think she was upset because she knew why I bailed, and she's a caring friend.

My mind starts to wonder as I continue...

"Easy they come, easy they go. I jump on the train, I ride off alone. I never grow up, it's getting so old. Help me hold on to you."

The last serious relationship I had was in highschool. But I've been on a lot of dates since but no one ever seems to want to stick.

It's probably my fault though. Emma and I agreed that I have commitment issues. I push people away...

Hey, but if you thought someone would leave you and hurt you wouldn't you want to push them away first?

Anyways... I want to hold on to whatever I have right now. This new me who is finally taking steps, making friends, and getting the life she wants. I want to finally grow up...

"I've been the archer... I've been the pray. Who could ever leave me darling? But who could stay?"

I've been the one hurt and I've been the one hurting someone. I've been left wondering why someone would want to leave me and I also recognize that I'm not that great...

For some reason my mind wonders to Harry...

"Dark side, I search for your dark side. But what if I'm all right right right right here?"