Dream SMP one shots (+ others)

.-. When can I be a kid again? .-.

Request: No
Mcyt: Tommy (mentions of Wilbur, George, Ranboo, Dream, Philza, Technoblade, Tubbo, Eret, Quackity and Sapnap)
Type: Angst
Ages: Irl ages :]
AU: Minecraft

A/N: Cry. Sob. Okay don't- I was reading an SBI one shot book and the title of one of them inspired this and yeah :) Angst is coming for you-

TW: mention of self-h/rm (not directly but it is hinted at)

+_+

*third person*
Tommy laid emotionlessly in his bed, staring at the ceiling.

Ever since he had been allowed back into his country - his L'Manburg - it wasn't pleasant. He could go as far to say that maybe it was worse than before he got exiled.

Constant stares from people he hurt, silence as no one talked while he was within their eyesight, murmuring as if they were sharing deep secrets as he passed.

It was as if he was a murderer, calmly walking past with blood covering his clothes.

Sure, he was a reckless kid, always having some sort of bandage covering him somewhere, always having some type of scar showing - ranging from burns he got cooking in his childhood to more...adult things.

Just because he did something, doesn't mean he doesn't feel guilty with every day that passes. Sometimes he even felt guiltily agreeing to start L'Manburg with Wilbur. He said yes because he thought it was going to be a funny little thing they'd do together in their free time while not with friends.

He didn't think Wilbur was being serious about making it a damn country.

He never meant to burn down George's house with Ranboo, he never meant to get so possessive over his discs, he never meant to do any of it, but no one listens.

They think he lies.

He lies and only lies, never telling the truth.

Well, the truth is, he hates it. He hates everything.

He hates Dream, Wilbur, L'Manburg, Philza, Technoblade- hell he even hates Tubbo.

He hates the fact that he can't change what he's done, go back and change his biggest mistakes. Go back and not believe Eret, go back and not betray Technoblade, go back and not burn down George's house.

He hates how people look at him. He isn't going to hurt them, he isn't going to shout at them - for Christ sake he can barely hear them anyways from the amount of explosions and TNT - and swear at them, he isn't going to stick his tongue out like he did when he was nine after they'd win a war.

He isn't that kid.

He isn't Tommyinnit; the bravest, loudest, biggest man of the server.

He isn't even a kid. Not because of his age, but because of his mentality. Sure, he can still mess around like he used to, but he's too drained, too scared of the outcome of his actions.

He learned his lesson long ago but they all think he hasn't.

He has.

Dream taught him better. Better than he was before. He doesn't speak unless talked to, doesn't cry, smile, laugh, or feel.

Dream taught him.

He knows what he was taught is wrong - that he needs to feel and be who he was and not just a hollowed out version of that Tommy, but he can't. He's too used to it.

He wants to go out and laugh with Tubbo and Ranboo, meet their kid they supposedly got while he was dead for a few months. He wants to build goofy things and "graffiti" with Quackity again. He wants to safely burn stuff with Sapnap again and fuck it - he wants to have the friendship he had with Dream before everything went to shit.

He wants it.

But it's constantly out of reach.

So he lies, lies and doesn't move out of his bedroom. No one's noticed and if they have, he couldn't bother to check his communicator. Last time he did, it was Tubbo telling him to get up and get some dumb material he could easily get himself. Tommy had a panic attack after that.

He hasn't moved in who knows how long. All he remembers is laying down after seeing everyone celebrating something without him. It looked bright, happy, like his and Wilbur's old L'Manburg.

That's when he realized.

It was Tubbo's birthday.

Tubbo always invited him, always reminded him and Tommy always planned it.

Not that year.

That never happened.

He doesn't know why and has no interest in learning why he wasn't invited but why should he care now? That was probably years ago - but if it was years, he would be dead. You can only go so long without food before you die.

He ignored the tears that dripped down his face as he thought. Vulnerability was never his thing. He didn't wipe them, he didn't stop them but instead he embraced them, welcoming them to fall freely.

Just like everyone else did to him.

His vision went hazy from tears blocking his senses and he let it.

He inhaled deeply bringing as much oxygen into his lungs as he could.

"When can I be a kid again?"

And with that, everyone backed out the door, feeling worse than they did before.

They'd fucked up, and there was no getting their Tommy back.

Their special, special Tommy.

End A/N: Heh so- Yeah this was pretty angsty. Lemme know your thoughts and if I missed any trigger warnings :) Off topic but have you guys seen Karl, Sapnap and Punz? Like dude it's adorable. But uhh, my discord server is in my bio and I have I think three (not sure) one shots in process. One is angst and the other two are not. One question, do you think I am better at angst or fluff? Personally, I think I can write fluff but angst is cooler to write. I'm curious. Have a lovely day/afternoon/night! Remember, you are loved and valid !!!

-Starby (Phaser) <3