The Window Seat (badLuckbrides #1)

Chapter 11

Kathlyn

Two Years Ago

"I've...done it." I nod as I speak, twisting my fingers in my lap. I was sitting in my psych's office for the third time ever. Ashlyn had been seeing her since mom passed and I thought maybe it could provide me with the guidance I desperately craved. "I left Simon."

I was still sore about it. I didn't know it would feel so, bad. I don't know if it is the fact that I was actually leaving him that hurt, or the fact that he didn't have much to say.

"Because Simon, we are young. There's a lot of life to live, there's a lot of time to spend doing better things," I told him. He'd been standing over the kitchen counter, tapping his fingers against it as I spoke. "This isn't fun anymore."

"Life isn't always fun, Kathlyn. Life has both good and bad. You can't bail just because things are rough. We'll get through it." He said that, but there wasn't enough energy in his voice for me to believe it.

"And what if we don't? What if this is just how we're going to be now?"

"It's not."

Lately he'd been speaking to me with a clipped tongue. Since I lost the baby he hadn't had much to say to me. And then while I was dangling the idea of breaking up over his head, I expected him to say more, yell at me, maybe even grovel. He just stared at me, listening to my voice. Maybe he'd been feeling the same way.

"Are you happy, Simon?"

He pursed his lips, removing me from his sight. His hesitation struck a nerve in me, deep at my core. It hurt. I didn't really want to leave him, I mostly just wanted the reassurance. I wanted him to validate that us being together was the right thing, because he wanted it. But he wasn't answering me.

"Simon?" I narrowed my gaze at him. "Are you going to answer me?"

"I—I don't know, Kathlyn. I don't know if I'm happy. I don't know what the fuck's going on anymore."

"Do you love me?" I crossed my arms over my chest and his same hesitance pursued. My heart crumbled in my chest and I turned my head as I cried again for the fifth time that day. "Do you hate me?" I sobbed, my voice breaking into pieces I could hardly understand. "Do you blame me for losing Lincoln?"

"No."

I didn't know what he was answering. I'd asked too many questions, I was confused. I was a flustered mess of free flowing tears and anger and resentment. And he was just, null. He stared at me out of focus. Looking at me, but not really seeing me. "No, what?" I stepped to him. "No, what Simon?" He stepped back from me and I charged him, my arms shot out at his chest. I shoved him hard, but he only budged a little bit. So I shoved him again, pushing him until his back hit the fridge. "ANSWER ME! NO, WHAT?"

He never did. He let me gather the rest of all that would fit into my car while he sat on the couch. I drove to my mothers' house, the dread that filled me when I parked in front for the first time in months was sickening. I had a panic attack in the drivers seat of my car, slamming my palms onto the steering wheel over and over as I cried.

"How do you feel about that?" Dr. Sands nods, probably noting the trance I'd fell into when I thought about it.

I breathe in, staring over at her bookshelf. "I feel like my life still doesn't make any sense to me. Nothing's clear. Like, I don't know what to do now."

"What do you want to do?"

That was easy. There was a lot I wanted to do. But so much I couldn't do. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to hug my mom. I wanted to be in love.

Nope. Nope. Big Nope.

"Have you thought about pursuing a new career? A hobby? Going back to school?"

I stare at her. That all sounded horrible. I hated my current receptionist gig at what was apparently the busiest hotel ever. Doesn't help that it's right next to Harrisburg International Airport. I hated it, but I needed it.

"You know, Kathlyn...sometimes life changes and you have to change with it. Your life has spiraled into something completely different than it was only six months ago. You can try to keep up with the same routine you'd been doing, but it sounds impossible to continue that when everything that was once routine is no longer apart of it. And that's okay."

"I don't want a different routine. I never wanted a different routine. I want the life I had."

"I know, but think about this," she says, lifting her hands as they begin to animate. "What is something you love to do? Something you'd love to do, despite having the money to afford it, despite what your family would think of it. What is the one thing you'd love to do most in life?"

I bite my bottom lip, searching my mind for the will to answer her. And then it pops in my head like something put it there. "I want to travel."

"Good. That's a great goal." She nods, smiling at me. "Now consider that. Consider adding traveling to your life."

"I can't afford it."

"You can. Say you can."

I blink at her. "I can...I guess."

"No, Kathlyn. You can do whatever you want. You just have to take the first step toward it. You want to travel, then decide on a place. Pick somewhere in the states, even. You have a car, you can road trip on the weekends."

She wasn't wrong. I'd only ever flown once to Florida with Simon to go to Disney World and I loved it. I loved being in a plane even though he dreaded the flight. I must have stared out the window for the majority of the ride and the turbulence didn't even really bother me. Simon just about foamed at the mouth over it, but I thought it was fun.

"Where are you living now, since having to vacate your apartment?"

"I went back to my mom's, but I just..." I pinch my lip between my fingers, staring out the open window. "It's so depressing there. I hate being there. My sister Evelyn hates me. Ashlyn cries in her room all the time."

"Move." She flips her hand like that's just an easy option. Like I'm going to smile and say, oh why didn't I think of that?

"Again, I can't afford that."

"You can. Say you can."

I said the words and soon after it was set in motion. It was like me speaking the phrase to the universe is what made it actually possible. I found a small one-bedroom in Oregon, landed a job interview for a front desk position at a dental office in Beaverton, put in my two week notice at my job, kissed my sisters goodbye, and drove out to the new place I'd call home. Even if it were only temporary, it excited me.

My mood shifted.

There was so much to see. I took a lot of walks, visited a lot of rivers and lakes. Mountains. I took pictures and posted them online, documenting all the new things that amazed me and getting back into my love of seeing the world, just like Dr. Sands suggested I do. Kat-Travels was actually traveling. I even drove up to Seattle for a few weekends, and when that got old, I ventured out to the other states. I started booking flights. I took trips everywhere, every weekend, and during the week I spent my mornings visiting different coffee shops around town. I needed the free wifi after I enrolled in some college courses after work because the financial aid helped supplement the rent and supported my traveling. I was leaning toward an associates of the arts degree.

I met so many outlandish people in those coffee shops. I made friends. I met Aspen who, at the time, had the most intriguing, unruly, blonde curly hair and she was so hyped up on caffeine, her personality matched. I made a new life for myself. A new image. A new outlook. I was healing.