Incomplete love

Eyes

Jin

How many times had I wished for this? The freedom to express my pain in his presence.  Muffling my coughs every night in the washroom, how had I wished to wake him up and cry in his arms? Let him comfort me through my pain and anxiety. To feel vulnerable. But fear had set in. Fear of not having enough strength to offer him comfort and courage in return. Fear that he would leave me. Maybe this fear had been hampering my recovery. Keeping me awake, just for a call from Jimin or Sejin Hyung, an update on Taehyung. Answering my silly queries patiently. Waking up to nightmares of Taehyung alone, helpless, writhing, and suffering in pain. But now, I am surprised by my own recovery. His presence, right in front of me was a ray of sunshine. I could actually focus on my recovery. This week, the therapist even started walking exercises. And food! My cravings for food were back. So much better than several months of saline. But I am grateful so for the nursing care. The thought of being immobile and dependent on my family, and now on Tae. No! Never! I would rather go bankrupt. All these months, my recovery was at a snail's speed. The room felt restricting now. The only fresh sight every single day is that of Taehyung. He is also my favorite partner in rehab, contrary to the male nurse. But the real challenge was my brother.  Hyung hated the way Tae was always around and even scolded him once or twice while I pretended to sleep. I was afraid of facing Hyung too. Up until Hyung found us himself. Today, when he leaned in to help me adjust the pillow. The proximity was intoxicating. Probably the fresh dosage of painkillers as well. But all I wanted to do was touch him. My lips couldn't resist him. And he didn't pull away either. Responding to my hunger with equal passion.  Not sure if it was a bane or a boon. My reverie broke when Hyung roared behind Taehyung. Startling both of us. Taehyung was dragged out of the room by the back of his collar. He didn't protest. This made me wonder again. Why did he propose? Does he feel guilty or sorry for me? Is that why he wanted marriage? Was there still the need for jealousy? No. He saw pure love in them when he asked and that triggered him. Why would he still want marriage? Now that he had accepted my condition, be brave enough to stick around. But he had also seen how fragile I was. Then, why would he want a lifelong commitment with me? Why was he being so compliant? Was he testing me again? Was life playing with me again? Is this not enough? Marriage was on cards since their first anniversary. Taehyung had been very serious from the very beginning, this relationship would end in lifelong commitment or nothing. This is why his proposal threw me off. I know he meant every word. He had long-term plans with me since day one. But marriage in Korea? Especially with their popularity? Maybe now, my popularity is not of concern. I made peace to bid it farewell. But Taehyung? Why would I ruin his? Why should he? It will tarnish both our reputations and Taehyung's sanity! They will laugh at him! NO! He cannot allow this.   When they returned back in the room, Taehyung's sullen face crinkled up in a tight smile. But his brother's behaviour surprised him. He entered with a wearied face, yet something of hope reflected in his eyes. Quickly mumbling something, he blinked the moist layer under those eyelids. One thing I knew very well, was my Hyung crying will definitely break me down. That man has been so strong, ever since i told him.  He won't be able to handle anything hurting him. And he also knew what hurt him the most. Me getting back with Taehyung. He was the sole witness to my breakdown after that unfortunate day. 'Hyung, I am sorry. I still love him so very much' i managed to mumble. Startled, both Taehyung's and Hyung's wide eyes froze on me. But my sole focus was Hyung, who bounced back quickly. His irises danced from Taehyung who was sitting on the edge of the couch, to me. He gave a slight nod. No words. Scrambled to get his jacket and walked out of the room.  What did he say to Taheyung? I looked at the form, still on the edge of the chair. He avoided my gaze the moment they met. His face was much calmer. But the paleness under his skin, tight grip on his phone and shaking foot were a giveaway of his anxiety. He knew what would work. 

'Taehyung-ah?' i managed to sit up and put one foot down. And immediately, the strong hand wrapped around my waist. I leaned on his torso, losing balance after a long nap. He stood stone-like, holding my weight. His strength never ceases to surprise me. But it was the look on his face. Anxiety, gone. Determination and concern highlighted in those beautiful dark irises. His hand trembled with my first few steps. It always does. He is so scared of letting go. If by any luck he does let go, they rest on his waist or the abdomen. Not that I am complaining. Sometimes i stumble, just to feel the warmth of his chest against my back. Yes, I can be selfish and shameless, but i want his comfort. Even now, as I gaze at the lines on his forehead and eyes focused on my footsteps. I can't help but feel concern bubble up for him. And I stumble again with a sharp pain on one side of the lungs. My bare shoulder-grazing against his jaw, his overgrown stubble tickling against my skin. I hate his beard, he knows that.  He must not have had the time. His hold on my waist is tight. Until he sits me down on the couch 'Did you cast a spell on my Hyung?' Woah...i love the way his lips curve to one side. The same smile that always flutters non-existent butterflies in my core.  But he doesn't respond until my back lands on the couch and the pillows are tucked in to lean my torso. The bed was too far away. And he was tired. 'The same one I cast on you?' he teased, sitting on the table right in front.  But unlike the usual way,  his snide remark did not convert into a full-fledged banter. Instead, he sighed heavily. The smile dropped to form his lips in a thin line. Eyes dropped as well,  glued to our hands, still entwined in my lap. This was too much. He will suffocate with so much burden. I could tell he was burdened with whatever Hyung said. One of the issues had to be resolved. And the only way to reach the recent one was by going through the one solely between us.