Incomplete love

Dithyramb

'Kim Taehyung' he heard the coldest call, Kim Namjoon stood upright at the hospital entrance. His bag still hanging on one side and his furry hoodie and a mask covered most of his face. Yet those intimidating eyes were deadpan and set on him. 'Go back to Seoul' he commanded, even though his voice was sharp, cutting the tension in front of a hospital lobby. He stepped forward, and his guard followed in shadow, right in his path to the entrance. The dark circles under his eyes were the evidence of a long flight from home, to stop him, from meeting Jin. Taehyung had plenty of struggles throughout the journey, including difficulty in escaping from a hospital meant to keep him under control. His bodyguard had almost caught him. The flight itself was a horror movie with his imagination running wild expecting the worst. But as the taxi pulled up in front of his destination, everything seemed to get closer to reality and he hardened his determination, no force could stop him anymore. 
'I want to see him.' Taehyung tried to sound equally forceful, sidestepping to move forward and hiking up his backpack. He didn't have his guards, but Namjoon's were quite dominant. He tried to deviate,  but an arm wound his torso, dragging him away from the doors, away from his Jin, why was he doing this? I just want to see my Jin, please let me see him, he clawed at that strong arm as another one wound around his waist almost picking him up with such force, that both their bags fell. Once they stopped they were far away, he couldn't even see the entrance, he pushed past to run, but was held by his jacket collar to stop. Namjoon's face had fury etched on every corner as he heaved. 
'Why are you here, Taehyung?  he sighed, but his voice was a deep rumble, irritated. He didn't care though, all he wanted was to see Jin, make sure he was alright, to know for sure that they were all lying, his Jin was fine. 

'I just want to see Jin!' he scrambled and managed to let his hands loose, but was shoved with a force that made him stumble to the ground. 

'ENOUGH KIM TAEHYUNG!' his eyes were blazing 'WHY? Why do you want to see him? what is your relationship with him? You dumped him, didn't you? Are you here to hurt him some more? Call him disgusting again? Maybe you thought of some more bad words for him?' the fall had not hurt him as much as those words did, he was stunned by the reminder of things he said to Jin during their last meeting. He started questioning again, why Jin didn't want him to know, who calls the one they love 'disgusting'? and then the reason came rushing to him, he stuck his chin out in defiance, Namjoon was the reason!
'No! I didn't mean to, you two hurt-' but Namjoon stepped dangerously close, squatting at his level to pull him by the collar again. 

'You were blind with distrust, Taehyung, so much that you hurt him! You waged your relationship for an imagination! For your jealousy! The only love I ever got from him was that of a brother! But for you?! That idiot man is ready to trade his life for your love!'

'But...but...I saw it...I saw ...in our bedroom' a siren was let loose in his mind, Jin still loved him? what had he done? what were those hideous things he said to him? Did he end their relationship for nothing?  Namjoon's dark laugh reverberated through the silent alley as he let go of his collar, plopping himself on the ground, and giving up. Taehyung felt paralyzed by the information, with no desire to fight anymore. 

'You still can't trust him, can you? He begged and begged, groveled on the floor for you...That day, he collapsed, despite telling him to stop coming for rehearsals, his body gave up. Sejin Hyung helped me bring him home, wheezing to your bedroom. He collapsed in another fit the moment we were inside, crawling on the floor, legs barely functioning, and yet he was stubborn enough to try and shove me out the door, concerned about my schedule.' he stared at the gravel, chuckling softly, is this all true? why didn't I see any of this? Suddenly Namjoon looked back at him, bloodshot eyes accusing him 'And where were you?!  For the last five years, you claimed to love him, cherish him but... YOU hurt him so much! couldn't even feel his pain, not even his scars?! You fucking lived with him EVERY SINGLE DAY!' he screamed 'You broke him Taehyung, YOU tore his soul to pieces, YOU left him alone...when he needed you the most' Namjoon's head disappeared between knees, his shoulders trembled, but Taehyung could only the loud thumping in his head, his insides clenched in a tight grip as the thoughts resonated,  for what?  what did I do Jin? I broke us, I broke our beautiful relationship, i broke you, baby, why would you let me see you then? what do I do now? what shit did I say to you? it took me only a few minutes to break you, I am the disgusting one! did I not love you enough to feel your pain? 

'Why didn't you turn around that day, Taehyung-ah, he collapsed, to watch you leave, to end it all, YOU TOOK HIS WILL TO LIVE...' why didn't I? How did I murder our understanding? is that how much you love me? why have you been suffering alone? how do I begin to fix this? Please, baby, punish me if you want, I will sacrifice my everything, hate me, hit me if you desire, but don't punish yourself, don't suffer because of me! 

Namjoon stood up, dusting his pants and staring him down 'Stand up, Taehyung, let us go back, you don't get to hurt him anymore.'

And everything that he prayed for was being tested at that moment, he begged at his feet, he knew he didn't deserve to but he had to see him once, 'NO! Hyung! I have to see him.... please...please.. just once.' but Namjoon's face was stoic, why would he be convinced, he deserved this?

'I can't let you, Kim Taehyung. He is fighting a battle, I won't let you be his weakness again.' Namjoon commanded. 

'Please Hyung, I promise I won't speak at all, please I beg of you, Hyung. One glimpse! I will look at him from far!' he could have run to the hospital door as Namjoon sat back down on the pavement, fisting his hair in a bunch,  Taehyung continued to sob beside him, begging for the opportunity though, seeking permission from someone who had seen Jin suffer because of him, stood by him watching Taehyung inflict pain by mere words, then why should he be given another chance? 

It took hours of Namjoon staring into oblivion when he grabbed Taehyug by the wrist and dragged him inside, 'One glimpse!' he suddenly turned before speaking to the receptionist and stared till he nodded. 

'Room 204?' he asked the lady in English, letting his hand go. 

'Yes, Mr. Kim Seokjin, he was just administered a dosage, I can't let you meet him, kindly wait in the waiting room or come back tomorrow morning during visiting hour..' the last of her words sparked an anxiety in his core, he felt a calling, a drive to see him right now. He didn't know what he was doing until he stood in front of the room. 

The dimly lit room blurred around him as the bed came in sight, several monitors glowing in the dark. The familiar dark mop of hair and those plush pale lips he could never forget, every line and crease on his handsome face intact, still beautiful, ethereal, and yet so pained. Suffering drew in those scars at his wrist drawing his lifeline from multiple tubes. Shadows under his long sculpted jawline, witness to his agony. Taehyung felt the room spin around him, his core dug a deep pit, his life slipping out of the choking grip on his throat as he gasped for air.  Please don't leave me alone Jin, I can't live without you, you are my life-

Jin had a difficult morning, the nurses assured him repeatedly that the dull aching under his second rib was a side effect of the new treatment and yet he felt no recovery, just pain, and pity at his paralyzed self. What is a man's life without the movement of their limbs, especially that of a dancer and singer, he could feel the image he had worked so hard to create slipping out of his grip, and fans will forget him by the time he recovers completely, or if he ever does recover... these thoughts brought a dread in him every fucking single moment with the baggage of Taehyung is a separate carrier altogether, sometimes he felt like stopping his life from being so pathetic, no partner, no career and uncertain future. The only highlight of his today was being able to sit up and play MarioKart, his brother, who ritualistically visited every morning, jumped around like a ten-year-old. This reminded him of Taehyung and he spiraled into another bout of torment, earning another visit from the therapist and an administration of pills for him to sleep through the dull headache. 

His brief sleep broke with the sound of a thud,
'Hyung?' is it mom? she must be worried again. did he bring her tonight? I told him not to! When no reply came for the longest moment, he cracked open an eye to the darkroom, turning slightly to adjust his hazy vision to a figure on the floor, motionless. Curiosity grasped his mind, the familiar clothes gripped at his heart, was he imagining it? he pulled down the oxygen mask to get a clearer view, wondering if the painkillers were playing on his mind again like the time he thought Brad Pitt was his doctor. But no, as his vision cleared up, familiar finger, the curve of his elbow, lines of his jaw, and his nose became clearer, Taehyung! Realizing what must have happened, he tried to reach for the love of his life, now barely breathing on the floor, to help him. The apparatus came crashing on top of him as he fell straight down to the floor, the stabbing pain he hadn't felt for months returned multifold only to have his vision blur again. I have to help him, Taehyung-ah, just breathe, NO! he tried yelling for help, the emergency button was all the way up and a familiar metallic taste was filling his mouth and spilling out as the world plunged into darkness.