team

<3

annnnnnd roll credits!

wow, this entire story was such a roller coaster, to read and to write. i'm so sorry for the tears i might've made you shed (i cried a lot too lmfao). i also apologize for the pain i put the boys in during this entire thing, i love you all i promise.

i know this entire book was more found-family rather than romantic love interest, but it's okay i guess. i don't see many found family stories with them anyways which is kind of ridiculous. the dreamies are the DEFINITION of found family smh

i was listening to apocalypse by cigarettes after sex and it just got me in my feels while writing the last chapter </3

 also, i wanted to explain a few things:

the boys' issues are not to be romanticized or followed. for example, chenle. in this book, he had a major addiction to drugs and alcohol. he also talked about how yiren was actually a good person when xiaojun tried to confront him about it. this is because he is so dependent on drugs/alcohol, that he didn't want to listen to the fact that yiren was the one who put him in harms way. if you or anyone you know is struggling with any of the things the dreamies experienced, please try and get help. i love you and you are important.

here are a few hotlines you can call if you or anyone you know is struggling:

SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

and if you need anyone to vent to, my DMs are always open.

i myself have been struggling for a while. i don't normally talk about these things because the last thing i want people to think is that i want pity, but i think it's important to talk about, especially when other people reading my stories could be dealing with similar things. i was raped by my cousin who was 24 at the time when i was 13, and i was too scared to come forward about it. that was around the time my abusive father had died (from an aneurysm no less! while i was home with him! can you see where i got the inspo for mark's storyline lmfao) and i didn't want to add to that stress. my siblings have already been going through a lot, and yeah. it's weird because i hated my dad for what he did, but i still missed him. shit this is getting deep, i'm gonna try and keep this short.

i came forward about what happened to me to my sister and i got help. i still struggle a lot, with my anxiety, depression, and my eating disorder, but i have people who do care about me, even if it doesn't seem like it. what i'm trying to say is that you are NOT alone. you are loved.

please don't resort to things the boys did in this book. the point of this story was to show a scenario where a group of kids who'v dealt with serious things do give up. you get to see first hand how they were getting tired. you might've seen yourself in them. but taeyong is the person who is watching them suffer. you saw him try to help, and how he dealt with the loss. i promise you, somebody out there cares for you. you are loved.

i'm saying that wayyyy too much lmfaoaoaooaoajkdfs

it's hard sometimes, absolutely. i'm not gonna lie and say that i have a super healthy relationship with my siblings or my mother. i'm not gonna lie and say that everything is okay for me now. because it isn't. but what's important is that i'm still here. 2020 to 2021 have been some of the hardest years of my life. much like these boys, i lost a lot of my childhood and now that i'm in my teen years, it didn't seem like it would get better. sometimes i just sit in my room and cry. and that's okay. 

i also kept a few things vague in this story because mental illness is weird. some parts are easy to explain and others, you just can't find the words. you can't always talk about it. and that's okay.

someone asked why i named this book hiraeth. hiraeth means a homesickness tinged with grief and sadness over the lost or departed, especially in the context of wales and welsh culture. this can be interpreted in many ways. in the context of this book, the boys experienced loss. they long for a "home". they've never had a true place they can feel safe until they found each other.

now, was the crash just an accident or was it suicide? you see, i don't know. they were drinking yes, but they didn't swerve. the police don't even know. and i think it's best to keep it up for interpretation. 

anyways, i hope you enjoyed reading my silly little book. it took almost two years for me to right it ahhahahahha.

thank you for reading. i love you. 

<3