EDEN | Yoonmin

twenty-seven

twenty-seven

the following is a collection of diary entries of min yoongi

_____ 🌿 _____

wednesday

I'm afraid to close my eyes; afraid that if and when I do, he'll disappear on me once more, and I will be alone again in this god forsaken world.

I don't know how to feel now that he's back; that sounds harsh. No. I am absolutely ecstatic that he's here, and I have never been more in love with him than I am right now. I feel whole once more now that my missing piece has returned, and I selfishly intend to keep him, to not let him go this time.

What I mean is that...well, I'm conflicted. I have him, yes, but he's not...Jimin. I mean he is Jimin, but not the one that I fell in love with and I hate that I wake each day with that expectation. That one day I'll wake up and this new version will fall away and I'll be left with the old.

I don't want the old Jimin back. I just want him. All of him, new or old. As long as I have him, and he'll have me, I could care less about what he likes, or how he acts around me. I don't want him to change either - to feel like he has to be that version of himself in order for me to love him. I don't want him to morph himself into something he's not, or to live in the past. That would be too selfish of me, to try and make him what he once was. This Jimin is his own person - a lovely one at that, and I would hate to ruin it. I want to be a part of this life just as much as I was a part of the past.

It makes me feel guilty - the way I act around him. Whenever I kiss him, I feel like I'm overstepping too much. I'm annoyed by how much I have to physically restrain myself from touching him. It sounds bad when I say it like that, like I'm annoyed that he won't let me, but that's not the case. No, I'm annoyed that after all this time, I still have no self control when it comes to him. I should know better, but I'm too excited that he's home, that I don't know how to act around him. He makes me stupid (I don't mind stupid when I'm with him) but it's hard knowing I can't fully be myself around him in fear that I'll upset him.

...

In some ways he hasn't changed over the years: he still takes four sugars in his tea and a ton of milk (I don't know how he does it, it's too sweet) and he still talks in his sleep. He still curls up into a ball when he sleeps, bundled up in all the blankets. He still rambles about anything and everything without breathing in between his sentences, and every now then he'll say the first thing that's on his mind (however it's not always suitable for all ears. I swear, one of these days...). It's also interesting to see the new parts of him. Like how he runs his hands through his hair when he's lost in his thoughts, or that when he seems to be stressed, his leg bounces or he taps his foot. (it's odd to watch him do his school work considering he wasn't in school the last time. He's quite intelligent, and it's rather attractive to listen to him explain his coursework to me. He's articulate and critical about his thinking. I admire it.) His laugh is louder, like he's not afraid to smile and joke around. He's not as soft spoken as before, but I enjoy it. I like when he's loud...that sounds wrong when I word it like that.

thursday

I like watching him sleep. There's something so peaceful and calm about him. It's the only time I really see him at ease; a part of him always seems to be on guard or on edge when he's awake, and I suppose that's due to the fact that he's still taking everything in.

I feel so..invasive when I lie there next to him, holding him close against me. He doesn't seem to mind it though. I've noticed that he's not as restless when I hold him. The moment I leave however, he seems to...he seems to become more uncomfortable in his unconscious state. Like he can tell I'm no longer there. I try to stay as long as I can, but at some point I have to attend to my work. I feel guilty leaving him in the mornings.

...

He's beginning to remember more and more as the days go past. He could remember the day I brought home the statue that resides in the main floor of the house and how we had argued about it. He could remember that when it rained, I would make him tea and we'd sit and listen to the rain. They're odd things to remember, but even the smallest of things bring me great joy. To know that a part of him is trying to piece together the past. I wonder if he'll ever remember me fully or just the small things.

friday

He kissed me this morning, and I lost myself in him. I hadn't even been in the room for more than ten seconds before he was pulling me in for a kiss. It was rough, and hungry, and better than anything I could have imagined. It seems as if the old him took over for a second, and gave into hidden desires. He still tastes as sweet as ever, and his scent was addicting - the sweet smell of seafoam and lavender. There was no stopping him when he kissed me, and I didn't. I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back. Neither of us really knew what we were doing. (he'd managed to crawl into my lap, and naturally I gave in, holding him closer to me, craving his touch. I don't remember how he ended up on the table, but I could clearly remember fumbling with the buttons of his shirt. It was just like how it used to be - when we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, and would spend hours just touching. I can still feel his hands against my skin, his lips against mine. I shudder at the thought. How long I had craved to feel him again. I'm acting like a silly teenager, a virgin who's never been touched before. He doesn't even realize how much effect he has on me, just how much control he has over my body, my emotions. I am nothing but his plaything, and he can't even see it.) Is that selfish of me? To let him kiss me without stopping him when I know his emotions are all over the place? Or should I let him explore his feelings and let him figure it out himself? Let him use me to figure out what it is he wants? That sounds even more selfish. Like I'm taking advantage of his situation. I wish this was easier.

...

The more comfortable he becomes around me the harder it is to maintain control. It's obvious to my friends - Namjoon, Hoseok - they tease me about my reactions. Perhaps I should put some space between us again, so that I can clear my head. I hate the thought of leaving him alone, however...Hoseok suggested I come with him to the meeting tomorrow...it might be beneficial if I give him some space after what happened this morning. He could barely look me in the eyes. I remember once, he did something quite similar when we first got together. He was so shy about having kissed me in such a manner. Some things never change.

_____ 🌿 _____

i've updated like three times in the past four days...progress people, we're making progress (:

(again super short, but it's a filler chapter!)

questions? confused? leave a comment and i'll get back to you!

(p.s. i'm getting my vaccine today, someone wish me luck)