Aaron Flex

Freedom

     I never thought I'd be able to do it. Get clean. Don't get me wrong, it was the hardest fucking thing of my life. Convulsing and sweating my ass off is not fun. I did it though. I pushed through, but only for Trip. Even with working through my feelings I realized that he was the only one I was doing this for. He's the only reason I'm alive.

Nurse- "Aaron, its time to checkout."

     Finally, freedom. I get up and walk with her to the front desk where I sign myself out. I turn around expecting Trip to be there but there was no one. Nobody came to get me...Die I really fuck up that badly? Did I push everybody away? I go out the front doors and just stand there for a moment. Why did nobody come? They knew I'd be out in 90 days. I take out my phone and call Trip. Straight to voice-mail. I call Ivan. Straight to voice-mail. I finally call James and he answers.

James- "Holy shit, are you allowed to have your phone? I thought you were in rehab?:

Me- "I just got out, why is no one here to pick me up?"

James- "Trip told us that you'd be in there longer than 90 days or you'd have signed yourself out, holy shit I'm on my way. Stay there!"

     Trip didn't think I would make it? I mean I haven't shown any effort to get clean in the past but I thought he knew I'd take it seriously this time.
     After an hour James pulls up and I hop im his car.

James- "So you're officially sober?"

Me- "Yeah, I actually took it seriously."

James- "Damn, after Trip told me about your history he even had me thinking he was right. I'm sorry, I knew I should have been here but I didn't know."

Me- "It's fine, I get it. I wouldn't have trusted me either."

James- "So why DID you take it seriously this time?"

Me- "I couldn't let Trip down...I didn't want him to leave me..."

James- "He does really care about you, and seemed like he was serious about leaving if you didn't do this. But he was expecting it to take longer if you did do it right."

Me- "It took a lot but I knew I couldn't lose him. I care too much about him."

James- "Sounds like you really love him."

Me- "Not love, I mean in like a friend way...:

James- "It's not hard to see that you love him Aaron, its ok to love your friends. I can tell he loves you just in a different way. Sometimes it even seems in a love love way. The way he talks about you, he has a special place in his heart for you."

     Not exactly what I was expecting to hear but hearing James tell me that Trip feels that way makes my heart flutter. Even if he doesn't love me the way I love him, he still loves me. I never thought anybody would love me, even in a platonic way.
     We drive back to my house and all I can do is stare at the door. I'm clean...I dont have to worry about getting my dose in. I can live a normal life. I finally get the nerve to walk into my house and I can tell that James came in and cleaned it up. James says goodbye and I'm left alone. Alone in a giant house. I'm a normal person now. I go to my bed to lay down because I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since I've been in that hell hole. As soon as I lay down I feel myself instantly fall asleep. I didn't even think twice about the nightmares. But even though I didn't think about them, they still appeared.
     Lucas...I can never run away from him. I'll always feel guilty for living. He should have been the one that lived, I should have died that day. I should have died all the times I tried to end it. Why do I live when the people I love die? Why me? What did I ever do to deserve life? Nothing. I've wasted my life in heroine. I've done nothing good with my life. I've always pushed away people and fallen for the wrong guys. I've always gotten used, except for you Lucas. You loved my flaws, you embraced them. It didn't matter that I came from a broken home with an abusive father. You loved me for me.
     The closest thing I've come to that is Trip, but I can't have him. I wouldn't do that to him. I wouldn't take him down with me. I cant be the thing he regrets in life and I almost did that. I almost made him regret taking me in, regret saving me, and regret loving me. He always loved me. He's the greatest friend I've ever had and I almost threw that away. I cant let him walk out of my life because without him im nothing. There would be no reason to live without him. He's my only reason to live....