Aaron Flex

Here We Go Again...

     They're back, my first night and the nightmares are back. Lucas is back to haunt me. The same dream, the same scream...but after the usual, Trip pops up. He walks through Lucas's door and to the bed I was bleeding to death on. He picks me up and holds me to his chest, the blood disappearing. He whispers in my ear and tells me everything will be alright and I feel a rush of safety come over me. He looks me in the eyes and tells me he loves me...he loves me. Those three little words can mean so many different things, but my mind only goes to one. He loves me...and I love him.
     I wake up to the nurse pulling the blinds back and the sun comes crashing in, blinding us all.

Nurse- "Wake up, it's breakfast time."

     Ugh, breakfast. I barely eat as it is and now they expect me to eat three meals a day. I get up and get changed into another boring outfit they provide and make my way to the cafeteria. There are hundreds of junkies sitting at tables and waiting in line for food. I feel my anxiety kick in and take a deep breath. Just make it to a table and you'll be fine. I make my way over to an empty table when the nurse sees me.

Nurse- "What do you think you're doing? Everyone gets food and then sits. I expect a full plate and for it to be gone by the end of breakfast."

     I get up with no hesitation because I dont want to cause problems and go stand in line when my roommates come up behind me.

Roommate #2- "You don't talk much do you?"

Roommate #1- "I bet he's probably gonna sign himself out today, not even take it seriously."

Rpommate #1- "Well if you aren't gonna take this seriously I got an assortment of 'items' if you wanna come see me later."

     As the line moves on they continue having their conversation. They make bets on when I'm leaving and when I'm gonna go talk to my roommate about getting drugs. I just stand there and try to block them out. I get my food and go sit back down at my table. I force the food down my throat so that I dont get yelled at and ask to be excused.
     I go back to my room and just stare at the walls, I cant get over my dream. Trip is my best friend, the person who basically swooped in and saved me. How could I love him? How could I even think about ruining our friendship? I fall into a rabbit hole of questions when another nurse comes in and tells me its time for confession circle.
     I walk in and there are 8 people already sitting in their chairs waiting. Of course, me being me, I expect to sit there quietly and not share. Its my first day, who shares their first day? Anyways I take my seat and wait for the others to show up.

Therapist- "So, let's start off today's session with introducing our newcomers and welcoming them to our safe place."

     She goes around introducing the new people and having them share their stories on how they got here, but when she gets to me I sit there quietly.

Therapist- "Aaron, do you want to share your story? If not that's ok, but we encourage everyone to feel safe here."

     I simply shake my head no and she continues with the other people there. When it's finaly over I get up an go to walk to my room when the therapist calls out my name. I turn around and she's says that I'm free to talk to her at any time. I simply shake my head and continue walking.
     As I walk down the neverending hall I go back to my dream. Trip...my longest friend. Happily married to the love of his life, and here I am thinking I could ever ruin that. He's not even gay. What the hell is wrong with me? I can't get my mind straight. Every new guy I come across i fall in love with, without even knowing them. My last love interest was only using me for heroine and I dont even know where I stand with Ivan. Now I'm falling head over heels for the very man who took me in lioe his own kid. I really am fucked up, I have my own fucing love triangle. I feel like I'm in some kind of romance movie.
     I finally reach my room and lay down in my bed. Its funny how many hours a person can spend staring at the ceiling. It feels like thats all I do in here.

90 days later...

     The last day. The last day of my suffering in this hell hole. The last day of eating the same food, sleeping in the same bed, wearing the same clothes, and talking in the confession circles. Yes, I did eventually share in those because they threatened to keep me longer if I didn't. I shared about my dad, my addiction, and I shared about my love problem. It actually helped because I worked through my feelings and decided I was going to keep them to myself. I cant ruin what I have and after putting so much effort to keep it.
     Only have to wait a few more hours and then I get to go home...