Just Two Boys - Jaspar - boyxboy

Chapter 16 - Flashback

~trigger warning~

-Caspar POV-

I had the most shit day ever. Tommy Fitzgerald beat me up today. I open the front door to see Theo in the kitchen, just about to leave.

She looks up, and her face goes white when she sees me. She rushes over. I wish she would just leave me alone.

My intention was for no one to see this. I would lock myself in my room for the rest of the day, claiming to do homework. Then, in the middle of the night, I'd steal some of Theo's makeup and cover up the bruises.

"Cas? Who did this? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Theo." I say. I am not fine. I am a good for nothing, worthless fag. I am a disgraceful existence, and I don't deserve to be here.

"Well, clean yourself up. I have to head out. Mum and Dad won't be home until late. I'll only be gone half an hour, but don't hesitate to call..."

She regretfully walks away. As soon as she's out the door, I drop my school bag on the ground and groan loudly.

I don't deserve to be here. I'm a worthless piece of shit. I look around the kitchen, and my eyes land on the knife rack.

I've always considered cutting, but never have ever actually done it. I know it's a relief from pain, but, I don't know. It's never really come to that.

But now, I'm so desperate for happiness, that I'm willing to try anything. I need an escape from this burden of sadness.

I walk over, and tentatively pick a knife up. I bring it to my wrist, and mentally prepare myself.

I make one cut. I cry out in pain. But it feels so good. Crimson red blood falls onto the floor, and stains the knife.

I don't know how to do this. Am I even doing this right? Apparently I am, based on the flowing liquid coming from my skin.

Two cuts. The second lining up perfectly next to the first. My arm is covered in the red, sticky liquid. I don't stop. I am feeling a sense of relief. It feels good. I don't want it to stop.

I make two more cuts, and then the pain in my wrist becomes unbearable. I set the knife down, and grab some paper towels.

I lay them down on my wrist, and they soak through within seconds. I grab some more, and run to the bathroom for some gauze.

Is it supposed to be bleeding this much? Oh god, I hope I didn't cut to deep! I don't even know if I'm doing this right.

I'm the lamest depressed person there is. Can't even fucking cut right. I feel the shame wash over me again. I am so, so worthless.

Once I take the gauze off, who will know the difference between these scars, and the ones I received from Tommy. No one will know about my sufferings.

Whilst I apply the gauze, I hear the front door open. Had it really been that long?

I make a frantic move to go get the knife, I fucking left it on the counter! But Theo is already approaching the counter to set her stuff down. I shrink back into the bathroom.

"Cas, I'm back!" I don't say anything. All I'm doing is hoping she doesnt see the knife. Although, it's pretty hard to miss, because it is the centerpiece of the bloodstained paper towels.

I hear a gasp from the kitchen. She's seen the knife. I quietly leave the bathroom for my room. I am almost there when Theo confronts me.

She's holding up the knife. At first I think she's going to stab me, but she just screams

"CASPAR, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" I shield my arm from her but don't say anything. She notices the motion and grabs my wrist.

I whimper in pain.

"Caspar... Why?" She sounds hurt, almost as if I did this to offend her. I respond to her question truthfully.

"I needed a relief from the pain."

"Cas... what pain? This is not the way to go! Caspar you can't do this!"

I sheepishly respond

"Sorry." Theodora just sighs.

"Don't do it again, okay?"

I expected a lecture. SOMETHING. Instead she just sighs and says to not do it again? Am I really not worth the fight over?

Of course not. No one could care less about me, no one is affected that I just cut. Theo proves my point.

"Okay." I lie. I continue to cut for months. Except I get sneakier about it. No one knows how much I cut after that. It was the only thing that brought a shred of light to my black world. Theo still has no idea.

"Hide this from Mum and Dad." She hands me the knife. I take it from her and enter my room without another word.

I hear her voice.

"Caspar." That's different.

"Caspar!" This isn't what happened.

"CASPAR!" It's not her voice. It's Joe's.

-----A/N-----

Just wanted to say that I don't self harm, and none of you should. Even though my words probably won't change your mind, I still want y'all to know that it's bad.

You do already kms i am the worst at giving advice.

I have depression and though about self harm but have never done it.

But I never could. I have a very low pain tolerance, even a pinch really hurts.

But yeah.

Dont self harm

Pls

Like I said, I don't self harm, so idk how accurate this chapter is.

Also, hayyyy, new cover!! What do y'all think??

QOTD: Have you ever been to playlist/vidcon?

AOTD: no, sadly😭😭

Love you❤️

-Rebecca xxo