What Was Lost // (Harry Styles FanFic)

Chapter 39

Lilly's POV
2 1/2 years ago

    I shrug my shoulders, trying to show as much as indifference as I can. "What do you guys want me to say?"

Jesse and Nadine are looking at me like Im someone they don't know anymore. And I guess in a way I'm not, but is what I did really so wrong?

      "I'm just trying to understand your train of thought is all. And why you would keep this from us." Nadine says, and I can hear the hurt in her voice that I kept a secret from her. Normally she was the first one I would tell anything to, besides Sutter.

But obviously, times have changed.

"My train of thought?" My voice has an edge to it. "For once, I wasn't thinking about anything. I was enjoying myself and having fun, spending time with someone that didn't ask me a thousand times if I'm okay, or why I'm drinking so much, or why I don't swim anymore, make good grades anymore, or fucking smile anymore." I'm breathless at the end of my rant, not stopping until I got the words out.

I'm usually really good at hiding my emotions and keeping things locked up, but I couldn't stop myself from snapping. I don't have to explain the decisions I make to anyone.

Nadine's eyes are wide, and her mouth is open, so Jesse takes it upon himself to answer for them. Although, his face seems very surprised too.

"We didn't mean it in a bad way Lil, you know that. We just want to make sure this isn't something you're doing that could possibly hurt you in the long run." He runs his hands over his sandy blonde hair, and grabs the back of his neck, obviously frustrated with not knowing how to handle the situation.

Or how to handle his best friend anymore.

"How is making out with a hot guy going to get me hurt? Isn't that what single girls do these days?"

"Because of who he's related to Lilly." Nadine mutters the words quietly, but there's no mistaking them.

I feel the squeeze around my heart and stomach, like a vice grip. I clear my throat, trying to get it unclogged.

"So what, I can't be with anyone else in this town because they could know him or are related to him?"

"You know that's not what we're saying, Lilly." Jesse snaps at me, finally fed up with my front of not giving a shit. "We're just not sure it's entirely healthy to be hooking up with your ex-boyfriends cousin, after he's only been gone six months."

"We haven't hooked up, we've only made out. And you should be happy to know that I think it's very healthy for me, because when I'm with him I'm not sitting there and remembering everything that I've lost. Is it so bad to want to surround myself with people who don't make me feel so broken?" My voice cracks at the end, and I try to clear my throat again, but this time it just seems harder. It's not going away as easily again.

Nadine reaches across the table of the coffee shop that we're in, and clasped my hand in hers. "Of course that's not a bad thing, I am fully in support of you doing anything that makes you feel like yourself again, or helps you get better. Anything within reason, that is." She gives me a pointed look, obviously referring to the fact that I've taken to drinking and smoking weed to help numb the pain I feel.

"I'm not too entirely sure that fucking Cross is in within reason." Jesse says, causing me to lean back in my seat like I've been slapped.

"I haven't fucked him, Jesse. We made out and we've hung out a few times."

"How many times is a few times?" He asks.