HARRY
When the door softly clicks closed, my body turns hollow. I stare at the golden doorknob, tempted to turn it open again. That would be the right thing to do.
My feet swiftly turn and move down the empty hallway, never turning back despite my gut telling me to do so. I never do the right thing anyway. Doesn't make sense for me to start now.
All I know is that I can't be here anymore.
I let out a deep sigh, releasing the heaviest breath as soon as my body hits the couch. I only get a brief moment of quiet until I get hit with regret as I take in my new settings of the pool house.
I shouldn't have left.
She told me she loves me last night.
And I just left.
She told me she loves me last night and all I did was leaving a fucking note.
A note. A piece of random paper I found in one of the drawers. A paper filled with words that took me less than a minute to think of and less than five seconds to write down because I was in such a hurry to leave.
She told me she loves me.
The words I never expected to hear out of her lips.
Felt like I was fucking dreaming when I heard them at first. Fucking thought I hallucinated it.
Those three words sounded so effortless and beautiful rolling off her tongue. Like fucking honey dripping from the sweetest nectar.
But it took all of two minutes for me to realize she actually said them and I didn't imagine it. For reality to set in. And once I realized it, my brain was sent into fucking overdrive.
The words lost their seductive, bliss-filled nature and turned into a haunting dream that I couldn't escape. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop replaying those words. It was almost like I couldn't even breathe.
As soon as I saw the first sight of morning light, I got up and gathered my things around. I cleaned the mess I created a few hours prior. I quickly decided I should leave some sort of note, a sentence or two giving her a poor excuse and to soften the blow when she wakes up to an empty bed.
After all, I wasn't sure if she knew I heard her or if she even meant to say what she did.
I don't know where to go from here now. Maybe it's not too late to go back.
"Oh, hey Harry," Niall almost startles me as he enters the room. He nods his head at me as he walks past the couch. "Didn't hear you come in last night."
"I didn't." I crack my knuckles and blink at the floor, ignoring the sting I felt behind my eyes a second ago. "I just came in."
I don't know how long I've been sitting here. Time is too meshed together right now for me to care.
"You okay? Have you slept yet?" Niall asks, sitting next to me on the couch with a bowl of cereal in his hands, squinting his eyes at me.
"No."
"Yeah, looks like it." He snorts.
"Fuck off," I murmur as I rub my face, wanting to wake every nerve but only feeling myself grow more tired.
"You don't want to take a nap before the wedding or somethin'?"
"No." I quietly sigh.
The fucking wedding. Shit. I couldn't have picked better timing to be an asshole.
A nap sounds so fucking wonderful right now. I'd kill to lay in a large, warm bed and sleep into oblivion. But I won't let myself.
I deserve this. I deserve to be feeling this way. After leaving only behind a stupid note, I deserve this.
Liam and Jerry come in, laughing amongst themselves and only briefly stopping as they look at us. I didn't realize he and Liam were getting along until now.
"'Sup boys," Liam greets us.
"Morning," Jerry nods his head at us, messing with his massive head of black curls as he walks by.
He looks visibly older than I recall. I can't even remember the last time I saw him in person. He's Richard's only son and lives with his mother somewhere in the states. I never bothered to remember where.
"Are you okay?" Niall asks me yet again.
"Fine." I shift on the uncomfortable couch, crossing my arms over my chest as I avoid eye contact.
"You don't look it."
"Well, I am so fuck off."
"Someone's got their panties in a twist this morning," Louis snickers as he walks in.
"I'm out of here." I roll my eyes. It's best if I'm not around anyone right now anyway.
"Did something happen?" Niall stops me before I can even lift myself off the couch.
I hesitate. "No."
"Were you with Lacey?"
Just hearing her name makes my stomach churn but not in a good way like it usually does.
Liam and Jerry join us and sit across from me with their breakfast in their hands, obviously listening in to our conversation especially Liam since his friend's name was brought up.
I huffed to myself, growing angrier the longer I sit here. I doubt Niall would believe me if I lie to him or stop with these damn questions.
So I simply nod my head in response.
"Well, did something happen?" Niall asks as Louis comes into the room and looks at us.
I sigh, my hand finding itself into my hair out of habit. There's no point in hiding how I feel anymore.
I'm sure they can already see something's up by the way they're hovering around me like a bunch of fucking bees in a garden.
"You and the missus get in a quarrel?" Louis asks and I can't stop myself from rolling my eyes again.
I lean forward and rest my arms over the top of my thighs, looking down at the same fucking trousers I wore last night. It only took a glance at the fabric for me to realize I stupidly forgot the matching jacket upstairs in her room.
"What happened?" Liam asks.
I sigh again, giving them a defenseless shrug. "I fucked up."
"No kidding." Louis chuckles. "What exactly happened?"
"I—" I drop my head down as I massage the knot in the back of my neck, sighing into my lap. "I don't know."
"You don't know?" I look up and see Niall's face twist in confusion, chuckling a bit. "How could you not know how you fucked up?"
"Should I text Lace and ask her?" Liam raises his eyebrows at me. "'Cause I will."
"No," I sigh, quickly finding myself at a loss for words again. "I-it's—fuck."
"C'mon, mate," Louis tells me, "talk to us, we're your friends."
"Yeah, man," Jerry chimes in with a small smile, "sacred circle."
He and the guys laugh like it was some sort of inside joke. I don't have the energy to fucking focus on that or the fact that Jerry was even here calling me 'man' in the first fucking place.
"Alright, fine, Jesus." I let out a short breath as I lean my back against the cushions.
There's no way to tiptoe around this so might as well get right to it.
"She told me she loved me last night."
Silence quickly fills the room, my gaze glued to the floor as I avoid eye contact with them after I finally confess.
I expected something to shift, both in the room and inside me, but oddly enough nothing happens.
"Then what?" Niall asks, immediately making me look up.
They don't look as nearly shocked as I thought they would.
"Is that all?" Louis asks.
"Well, um," I clear my throat as I stare at my clammy hands rubbing against the fabric of my trousers. My voice grows quiet. "She told me..that and-and I didn't exactly say..anything."
My head snaps up when I hear them all simultaneously groan at me.
"Jesus Christ, of course, you didn't." Niall shakes his head.
"Oh, god." Louis looks at the guys. "Fellas, why did we even ask?"
"You didn't say anything?" Liam slightly frowns. "How does that work?"
"Yeah, wouldn't that be mad awkward?" Jerry says.
"Well, I-I don't know if she meant it," I add and make them all groan in disapproval again. "What?!"
"Harry, you idiot," Louis simply says.
"If there's one thing you have, Harry," Niall stifles a chuckle, "it's the fucking audacity."
"Like, did both of you guys stay quiet?" Liam continues. "I can't imagine how the hell anyone would after that."
"How did she say it?" Jerry asks me.
"Erm—" I rub the tip of my nose and pull my pants down as I sit up, growing visibly uncomfortable. "We were about to go to sleep and she just, like, whispered it out I guess."
"And you didn't say anything back?" Liam asks. "Like anything at all?"
"..No."
They groan again and I flop back down on the couch again, sighing heavily.
"What the fuck was I supposed to say?"
"Gee, I don't know. How about 'I love you too, babe' for a fucking start!" Louis falls back onto the couch as he rubs his temples with his hands.
"Or literally anything other than pure silence," Liam adds with a quiet snicker. "I don't think she loves you so much now, dude."
"And on her mother's wedding day, Harry?" Niall shakes his head again. "That's fucked up."
"I was seconds away from falling asleep!" I try to defend myself and justify my choices but it's not looking so good for me.
Even I know that, especially now.
"Still could have said something." Louis shrugs. "Literally anything. Perhaps even a 'night, sweetheart' or a 'see you in the morning, princess' would have sufficed."
"I did say that!" I quickly say but sink back down on the couch. "Well, only some of that. Just the 'goodnight' bit." I sigh. "Before she said anything."
"And I thought I was shit at this." Louis laughs as he shakes his head. "You've taken the fucking crown, Harry. Congrats."
I roll my eyes and sigh, growing impossibly annoyed.
"Did you talk to her this morning?" Jerry asks me.
"Uh, yeah." I play with my lips using my fingers."Well, no. I left before she woke up but—"
"Oh, god, Harry," Niall murmurs as he lightly slaps his forehead with his hand.
"On her mother's wedding day," Liam shakes his head.
"Let me fucking finish," I snarl before they have at it again. "I left her a note."
"Oh, wow. That makes it all okay then, mate." Louis pinches the bridge of his nose. "Bloody hell."
"A note? What are we in, the 18th century?" Liam stifles a laugh.
"What'd you say in the note?" Jerry stops me from cursing at them.
I glance back at the floor as I think back to the words I quickly scribbled on the page a little while ago.
"That I didn't want to wake her and I'll see her at the wedding."
"For fuck's sake." Louis stands up. "I'm done."
"Do you want her to hate you now?" Liam asks me with a deadpan expression. "Because if so, I think you've succeeded."
"God, Harry," Niall mumbles as he rubs his hands over his face. "On her mother's wedding day?!"
"What was I supposed to do?!" I raise my palms, feeling more helpless than ever.
"Not that!" Louis sits back down with a sigh.
"Yeah, not the best move, man," Jerry sends me a small sympathetic smile.
"She's probably pissed off right now," Liam continues, "hell, I'm pissed off."
"H, what the hell were you thinking?" Niall asks.
"I wasn't."
I release a quick sigh once I finally accept the poor decisions that led me here. Seeing them all react this way confirms even more than I fucked up and she has every right to be angry with me.
"We can see that, dickhead," Louis says, "Leaving a girl after she tells you she loves you? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Not like you're any better." I feel a scowl take over my features, my ears searing. "Talk to Zoey lately?"
"I have, thanks for asking, mate." Louis sarcastically grins. "See, we actually like to talk to each other because we're friends and we can be mature about shit. When's the last time you talked to Lacey, Harry?"
I roll my eyes as I look away from his smug face. Fucking dick.
"Okay, okay. Let's focus." Jerry claps his hands together once and looks at me. "So your girl, Lacey, told you she loved you before you guys fell asleep but you didn't say anything to her. You just left a note for her to find today aka her mother's wedding day?"
"Pretty much." I shrug, hating myself even more after hearing how it sounds from someone else.
"Yeah, she definitely hates you now, man," Liam says affirmatively.
"She's not even his girl," Niall annoyingly corrects Jerry. "They're just friends with benefits. Or at least that's what they're trying to convince everybody else including themselves."
"Damn, Niall." Liam chuckles. "You're spending so much time with Bella, you're starting to sound like her."
"Well, she is my girl." Niall throws a glance at me. "None of that friends with benefits crap."
"I fucking get it, bloody hell." I roll my eyes.
I was seconds away from leaving. If I knew I'd get so much shit from them, I would have never said anything in the first place.
"Anyway," I sigh out, "if she does hate me now then maybe it's for the best."
"For the best?" Liam's brows knit together. "What do you mean?"
"We're only supposed to be doing this for the summer and—" I pause, my shoulders moving in a defeated shrug. "And—"
"And you're saying that you don't want to be whatever-the-fuck-you-guys are anymore?" Liam is suddenly coming off very defensive. "Is that why you ditched her this morning?"
"I'm not saying that—"
"Really? So you didn't take the first opportunity to leave right after she told you she had feelings for you?"
"Liam, relax—"
"I won't," he interrupts me, sending an icy glare my way. "Lacey's my best fucking friend and I'm not just going to sit here and listen to you play with her feelings."
"I'm not doing that—"
"Bro, it is the definition of what you're doing." His scowl deepens. "Just admit it. Why else would you have stayed quiet and then hide here like a coward?"
I clench down on my teeth, the familiar rush of warmth spreading down my veins and my chest rising up and down as I glare at Liam.
"Did you not say anything because you didn't want to?" Jerry quickly breaks the tension. "Do you not feel the same way and didn't want to hurt her?"
My gaze falls to the floor, lips remaining shut for a few seconds. The ache I felt in the back of my head since a few hours ago spreads to the front. I try to ease it by rubbing over the bones of my eyebrows.
I exhale slowly before answering. "I don't know."
Silence fills the room again for a few seconds.
"You ruined it all on purpose."
Jerry's statement makes me look up at him, frowning in confusion. "What?"
"He definitely did. I was about to say that, Jer," Niall says as he sits back and nods with a smile on his face like he was some sort of fucking genius.
"Shut up, Niall." I snort. "You don't know shit."
"I know that when a girl tells me she loves me, I shouldn't run away with my tail between my legs like a fuckin' coward."
"Fuck you," I spit out, my palms rolling into tight fists.
"Okay, okay," Jerry steps in. "We're focusing again. Focus."
I sigh, running my hands through my hair and lightly tugging at the ends.
"What I meant is that you ruined it on purpose because you think it's going to be easier this way," he slowly explains, "You're giving her a reason to not want to be with you because right now she's probably thinking, 'why am I going to waste my time with someone who doesn't love me back.' And it won't be long until she dumps your ass. But you want her to because you think it'll hurt less if she hates you rather than loves you."
I blink for the first time in a while. The air was so silent and thick that I hold my breath to maintain it that way.
"Am I right or am I right?" Jerry chuckles, glancing around the room.
"Holy shit," Louis is the first of us to speak after being caught off guard by Jerry. "Who are you again?"
"So I was right?" Jerry looks at me.
In all honesty, I think he is right but I'm still too stunned by his fucking analysis to narrow it all down.
I don't believe I've ever sat down and had an actual conversation with him beyond small talk, much less told him anything personal about me or my life, especially about Lacey yet here he is fucking reading me to filth.
What the fuck.
"I reckon if that's how you truly feel, H," Niall says, "you're in quite a shit-wreck. Don't know how you're going to be able to come out of it."
"Well, he and Lacey are both parting ways in a few days and are literally going to be in separate countries so not that much of a shit-wreck," Louis says with a small shrug.
"You are?" Liam looks at me. "I thought y'all were going to be in London together."
"She is, he's not."
"Little Harry's moving to the Big Apple," Niall adds.
"New York?" I watch the confusion deepen on Liam's face. "You're moving to New York?"
I send a glare over to Louis and Niall, both of them being the only people I know with the biggest fucking mouths.
"I haven't decided yet," I simply say, not wanting to get into it.
"But you bought your plane ticket months ago—"
"It's not a fucking one-way, Niall," I grit, "I'm only going for a meeting."
"When?" Liam asks.
"Next month." I scratch the back of my head, knowing the inevitable question coming.
"Oh, sick." Jerry nods his head. "What is the meeting exactly for, if you don't mind me asking?"
I do mind, Jerry. I fucking mind.
"Uh, I'm meeting with a nonprofit located there." I clear my throat, shifting in my seat. "They're interested in merging with mine."
"That's awesome, man. I forgot you look after a nonprofit."
"And if the meeting goes well?" Niall raises his eyebrows at me, continuing to be a little shit. "What then, Harry?"
"I reckon that means he's buying a round trip ticket, Niall. Or am I missing something, Harry?" Louis joins Niall and acts like a little shit as well.
I glare at both of them, my irritation sparking inside of me as I take turns punching each of them in my head.
"What does Lacey think?"
My entire body engulfs in flames and ice at the same time as soon as Liam asks the one question I didn't want to answer.
I drop my gaze to the floor, my teeth scraping against each other as I feel every pair of eyes in this room on me. I remain quiet, already hearing the backlash before it begins.
"Alright, let me take a wild guess here," Louis chuckles after a few awkward silent seconds, "and say that he hasn't told Lacey yet."
"You haven't told her?" Niall quickly asks.
"No." The answer fell quietly from my lips.
I close my eyes when I run my hands over my face, feeling ashamed enough without having to see the disappointment on their faces.
"Man, I really wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt but," Jerry blows out a sigh, "you royally fucked up."
"But you've known about this since before this summer," Niall says, "how the hell did it never come up?"
"It just...I didn't think it wasn't a big deal since nothing was set in stone." I try to shake this feeling off by releasing a loud breath, my own guilt brewing for months was now physically affecting me. "Nothing still isn't set in stone."
"We're talking about the possibility of you moving to a new country," Louis says, "that's a pretty big fucking deal, Harry."
"You royally fucked up," Niall repeats what Jerry already told me.
I look at the judgement written all over their faces, staring at me like I'm sort of a monster. I can mostly feel it from Liam's even as he stays leaned forward with his arms over his lap and stares at the ground.
I know I royally fucked up, they don't have to keep pressing the knife deeper into the wound.
I've been sitting on this information for months now and face judgment of my own every day. It stays buried in the back of my head, waiting to finally be revealed every single goddamn time I'm with her.
Just when I get the courage, my inner demons come out and place a giant muzzle on me. I grow worried, unsure, and absolutely petrified for her reaction and I don't say anything every chance I get and I kick myself for it.
I don't need further confirmation from my friends about how much of an asshole and coward I am now.
"Why didn't you just tell her?" Louis persists. "You've had all summer long to mention the fact that you're thinking of moving, mate."
"Right? Like, imagine how she'll feel when she does find out?" Niall scoffs. "Even I feel betrayed and I've known about it forever."
"This is just, like, the fucking cherry on top." Louis chuckles. "You have gotten yourself into quite a shit-wreck."
"Man, if I ever hid anything this massive from Bella, I'd fuck my own shit up before she has the chance to because I'd feel so fuckin' guilty—"
"I get it, alright?" I spit out before I can stop myself. "I'm a giant heartless piece of shit. Thanks, everyone for your fucking feedback."
"Mate—"
"Don't fucking 'mate' me, Louis. You've made your opinion very clear. All of you."
I humorlessly chuckle, my fists clenched on each side as I felt the rage I knew all too well thrumming through my veins.
"And you know what? I still don't see the big fucking deal. Lacey and I are just friends. We're not in a fucking relationship and this is my fucking life and only I get to decide what to do with it so if I want to go to New York for one of the biggest work opportunities I've ever been offered, I'll go to fucking New York. Whatever Lacey thinks doesn't matter because it will not change my fucking mind. It's not like she'll be around for much longer anyway."
There's a foul taste in my mouth as soon as I stop talking. An urge in me to take it all back sets in immediately the more the air grows quiet.
I've kept my frustration (somewhat) in check throughout this entire conversation but I knew I was bound to blow up like this and say shit I'd regret.
I couldn't hate myself more than at this moment.
Before anyone could react, I hear distant footsteps ascend closer. I blink my eyes in disbelief as I watch Gigi quickly walk past us and heads to the door across from the couch, nearly slamming it behind her after she leaves without saying a word.
"Was that Gigi?" Niall glances at the door.
"Yeah," Jerry answers.
"Has she been here the entire time?" I quietly ask, still staring at the front door.
"Yeah, she came in earlier to help Zayn with his suit or something."
I'm almost certain she heard this entire conversation and I feel even more fucking stupid.
"Awkward," Niall mumbles.
"You think she heard all of that?" Louis looks over at Niall, his voice was more hushed.
"Deffo."
"Fuck," I grumble into my hands as I lean forward and try to calm down, forcing myself to steady my breathing.
"Gigi is Lacey's best friend," I hear Niall whisper, "well, maybe not so much anymore. They haven't talked in ages."
"Oh," Jerry responds, seemingly confused as to why this entire situation just got even more messy and awkward.
"Keep up, man."
"I'm sorry for blowing up like that." I look at everyone after taking a few minutes to myself. "I didn't mean to. I didn't even mean any of the shit I said."
"I mean if that's how you really feel—"
"It's not." I cringe after I rudely interrupt Jerry and quietly apologize again.
I lean on the cushions again and sigh, playing with my rings as I mindlessly stare straight ahead.
"It's not how I really feel. I know I royally fucked up and I am a giant piece of shit."
"Don't forget heartless."
"Right, thanks, Louis." I let out a real chuckle.
"Don't worry about it."
"Truth is, I..." I pause. "I didn't mention it to Lacey because I was scared. I'm very aware that's a dick excuse."
"Pretty much," Liam says and I don't bother to even get mad at him for it because it's true.
"It's quite a life-changing decision and I've kept it from someone who is one of the most important people in my life. No, she is the most important person in my life."
I let the words sit in the air for a second, thinking they would all groan or laugh at me again and insult me and I would regret yet another string of sentences that's come out of my mouth today. Especially since they were the most honest and vulnerable I've said out loud possibly ever.
But when none of that happens, I continue.
"I thought if I never said it out loud and kept it to myself, it wouldn't be real, you know? And when the time came, I'd know what I want to do and everything would fall into place. I thought I wouldn't hurt her and myself. But that obviously didn't work. I've made everything worse by not telling her."
"You don't know that for sure," Jerry says.
"No, Louis was right. This was the cherry on top of all my shit. I don't even know why she's still with me even after everything."
I sigh, my eyes turning towards the door.
"Not only was I dishonest with her and ditch her after she told me she loved me but I also ruined her friendship with her best friend."
"Who? Gigi?" Jerry asks.
"Yeah, Jer. C'mon, keep up," Niall whispers back.
"I've felt so helpless even though I fucking caused all of it." I scoff at myself, shaking my head. "Every time I look at Gigi all I can think about is how much I hurt her and every time I look at Lacey I can see how broken she is from losing Gigi."
I swallow thickly, staring at the table in front of me as I try to process the emotions as they come rapidly. It's a huge relief to be able to finally say every openly yet so fucking terrifying.
"It hurts that I can't have the one person in my life that genuinely makes me happy without hurting my own sister," I add quietly.
I feel a small pat on my back by Niall who's sitting right next to me.
"And his whole New York shit— it's just fucking with my head." I run my hands through my messy hair and sigh heavily.
"Are you having second thoughts because of Lacey?" Jerry asks. I don't respond.
"He is," Louis says with a grin, "cheeky little Romeo."
"Fuck off." I crack a smile. "It's not just because of her. I just..I'm not sure anymore."
"I thought it was one of the biggest career opportunities for you," Niall reminds me of my previous words.
"That's why it's fucking with my head." I sigh. "Who knows if it'll even happen or if that's what I truly want career-wise. I know I've been wanting to leave London and explore hence why I even went to Laguna in the first place. But.."
"But what?"
"I don't know if that's what I want anymore." I pause. "What I want is Lacey... I want her more than New York."
"Harry..." Louis clears his throat in the silent air. "If you had said everything that you just told us to her, we wouldn't be here right now."
The guys erupt into laughter and even I do too because it's true.
"Exactly," Jerry says with a chuckle.
"You looooooove her," Niall smirks.
I chuckle, flipping him off. "Fuck off, Niall."
"Great," Liam smiles and claps his hands together. "now that we finally got him to reach that conclusion, y'all can go work it out so we can all enjoy the rest of our trip."
"There's just one thing," I say after a few seconds.
"Oh, god," Louis groans, "what now?"
"What if she didn't mean it?"
"What do you mean?" Jerry asks.
"When she told me, we were in a..certain position after a long night and all the wedding shit in the air. What if it just accidentally slipped out or she meant it in a friendly way?"
They all groan.
"God, you're helpless." Louis shakes his head with a smile on his face.
"I thought we had him," Jerry jokes.
"She loves you, man." Liam's lips barely twitch. "Anyone can see that."
"Maybe not so much now," Niall says with a light chuckle. "But if you give her some flowers and tell her the truth, she'll forgive ya... Maybe."
"Or you could always just get another tattoo of her," Louis smirks.
"Whoa, you got a tattoo of her?" Jerry immediately asks.
"I didn't." I glare at Louis but his smirk just widens.
I suppose it's technically true but how'd he even know about it? It's not like I got her fucking face tatted.
"So what's that then on your wrist?" He nods down at my arms.
"I'm going to kill you," I grit.
"What is it?" Liam practically snaps his head trying to look at my wrist as well as Jerry and Niall.
I scoff at them and cover the most recent tattoo I got. "None of your business."
"What tattoo did he get of Lace?" Niall asks Louis.
"It's not so much a tattoo of her," Louis explains ignoring my glare. "He got a wee little ace of spades tat."
"What the hell does that have to do with Lacey?" Liam snickers a bit.
I shake my head at Louis, silently telling him to shut the fuck up but of course, the wanker just couldn't keep his big mouth shut.
"Harry's nickname for Lacey is Ace."
"Aww, how sweet." Niall smiles at me.
"How'd you know that?" I ask Louis. "I don't even remember why I got the tattoo."
I don't believe I've ever called her that in front of many people. It's more of a secret thing I have with her and I've grown to like how it stays between us.
"Who do you think convinced you to do it?"
"What?"
"The bit I remember from our Vegas trip includes me convincing you to get a tattoo of Lacey." He chuckles. "I advocated for her actual face on you but you wouldn't budge. Then you were the one about to get her name on you but Lacey herself stopped you."
I don't remember any of this shit but the tattoo artist, Roger, even mentioned the whole name thing and how I was even picking out a font so it checks out.
"I kept hearing you call her 'Ace' throughout the night and put two and two together when I saw what you decided to get tatted." Louis shrugs and smirks again.
"Dude, you're whipped as fuck." Liam chuckles.
"I'm not." I roll my eyes, not even believing my own words, glancing down at my wrist.
My stomach always flutters every time I look at the tattoo, I feel so stupid but it's also sort of nice.
"Oh, so you don't mind if I ask her out then?" Jerry raises his dark eyebrows at me.
My eyes shoot him a deep glare that nearly burns a hole in his forehead. "Not even in your fucking dreams."
"See?" Jerry laughs with everyone else as I shook my head.
I can't help but chuckle. "Aren't you like 17? Does Richard even know you're here?"
"I just turned 18." Jerry snorts. "And of course he does, asswipe. I'm his son."
"Why are you here again?" I snort. "I mean, you're basically crashing a wedding."
"I know but I was coming to Europe anyway. My dad put us on the same flight to London."
"Oh, gee. So I'm stuck babysitting? How wonderful." I sarcastically smile.
"Why London?" Niall asks him.
"I'm studying abroad for a year."
"What're you studying?"
"Business. Mainly international business. London is one of the best places to go for it."
"Maybe you can teach Harry a thing or two," Liam says loud enough for me to hear.
His eyes widen when he sees me glaring at him.
"What? I meant it as a good thing!" He quickly says. "Don't you run one? Aren't you struggling to make a life-changing, international decision for it? You guys can like bond over—" He groans and slumps back down on the couch. "God, never mind."
I chuckle as I look away.
My smile disappears once I remember why I'm sitting here. I don't like laughing when I know Lacey is in the house, possibly already awake and has read the shitty note I left her. She's also probably planning on punching me in the face as soon as she sees me because if I were her I'd do the same thing.
"I should go talk to her," I say after a few minutes pass by.
"Bro, no. It's literally her mom's wedding." Niall quickly stops me before I even budge.
"Yeah," Jerry says, "You should give yourselves some time. You'll see her later."
Jerry has surprisingly been very helpful and has a relatively good judgment of things, at least more than me at the moment. So as much as I want to see Lacey, I should probably stay.
I sigh. "Yeah, I guess you guys are right."
Three sudden firm knocks on the door break our stares from each other. We turn our head to the door. My stomach immediately drops.
"You guys expecting anyone?" Niall quietly asks.
"What are the chances it's Lacey?" Louis says jokingly.
I stand, my eyes glued on the door. It might be a small chance that it is Lacey but it's one I'm willing to take.
Jerry quickly stands and stops me before I can move.
"I don't think you should answer it," he quietly ushers out.
"What?" I frown. "But what if it is her?"
"That's why."
"But—"
"It's too soon. Neither of you has had enough time to absorb everything and think clearly."
"I agree," Liam chimes in.
Two more knocks on the door again make my heart rate shoot up.
"We've been sat here for over an hour." I look at them. "It's been long enough."
Jerry doesn't budge, blocking me from walking towards the door. I don't know why I was so hesitant to just shove him to the side.
"Alright, fine." Jerry sighs in defeat, glancing over behind me. "Just be prepared for her to be upset and think before you may say anything you'll regret. Tell her everything you just told us but also let her talk."
I quickly nod, anxiously looking past him at the door.
"Got it?"
"Yes, mother." I roll my eyes. "Jesus."
He laughs and moves to the side. Before I know it, I'm standing right in front of the door. I glance back at the guys, watching them give me encouraging gestures.
I turn back and take a deep breath to prepare myself, nervous but excited to see who I hope it is. My hand grips onto the doorknob as I swing it open. I immediately frown in confusion.
There's no one there.
I quickly step out and glance around outside. No sign of anyone around.
This is odd.
"Who is it?" I hear Niall call out.
I heavily sigh as I turn back around after standing like an idiot outside, closing the door back and joining the guys again.
"No one."
"Sorry, man. Maybe they thought no one was in here," Jerry suggests.
"Yeah, or maybe it was like Richard or someone else," Louis says quietly, "Not Lacey."
"Yeah," I sigh out, wanting to convince myself it was that and not what I feared.
"Or maybe it was a ghost," Niall says. I know he was just doing it to break the awkward tension in the room.
"Should I just go to her?" I mumble, my thoughts jumbled up once again as I rub the back of my neck. "Or call her at least?"
"Man, you need to take a breather." Jerry comes up to me and pats my shoulder. "We should get ready anyway. You'll see her soon, alright?"
I fidget with my gold ring. "But what if it's too late?"
"I don't think you should bother her today, Harry," Liam says as he stands, "Let her have a good day with her family, you've done enough already."
Liam quietly exits the room. The space grows awkward and tense again.
"It'll be alright, man." Jerry pats me again. "Just gotta have faith."
"Yeah, mate," Louis chimes in. "Besides, you're already here and the worst is over. What else do you have to lose?"
"A lot." I thickly swallow as my head fills up with thoughts of Lacey and my knuckles become red with irritation from how much I was nervously fidgeting with them.
I quickly stand and not allow them to say something back as I begin to leave the room, clearing my throat. "I'm gonna go shower."
"One more thing," Jerry quietly calls out. I slowly turn around to face him. "I can tell you from experience that it's not going to be easier. It's still going to hurt. And you've got a good thing going. Don't let something as silly as fear keep you from what you truly want."
"Jerry, mate, who the fuck are you, really?" Louis laughs in disbelief along with the guys as I leave the room after nodding my head.
"You should have let him open the door then, you wanker!" Niall tells him.
"I guess so but I was just trying to look out for him!" I head Jerry respond. "Who knows if she was actually there?"
"That's why you open the door when someone knocks on it!"
I close the bathroom door and muffle their voices from the other room. I needed it to be quiet to think.
I feel just as torn as I did this morning but it wasn't for the same reasons. I don't feel great about prolonging my talk with Lacey. It doesn't seem fair to leave her out in the dark and ignore her especially on a day like today.
I was finally able to openly express how I was feeling to other people and I wanted to do so with her. She's the one who deserves that from me.
I can't help but wonder if this is the best thing to do. Something in my gut is telling me to just run to her before everything becomes too chaotic today.
But I know Jerry and the guys are right. Both of us do need some time and space to think clearly. And I need to figure out what the hell I'm feeling.
After the shortest shower of my life, I decided that I would go to her right now. It was killing me to waste so much time apart.
I wanted to throw all caution away, all the logics and calculated moves and just fucking talk to her. Be with her. Apologize. Tell her what I should have told her a long time ago.
I wrap a towel around my damp waist and retrieve last night's clothes from the floor. I dig into the pocket of the trousers, searching for my phone as I exit the steamy room.
I freeze in my tracks, standing in the middle of the hallway and dripping all over the hardwood floor as I stare at the screen.
Four missed calls and one voicemail from Lacey.
Fuck.
I quickly make my way out of the hallway and into the room I was sharing with Niall for the weekend, locking it behind me. I can't be disturbed right now.
I stare at my phone again, my heart racing in disbelief.
Lacey reached out to me.
And I just had to be in the fucking shower when I missed all her fucking calls.
My thumb hovered over the voicemail message. It's 1 minute and 34 seconds long.
She saw my note. She had to.
I quickly play it, needing to hear her voice.
It's silent for the first few seconds. I hold the phone to my ear with a shaky hand, paying full attention to the device.
"You left me."
My stomach drops to the floor when I hear the slight crack in her voice, her breathing distinctly heavy.
"You left a note and then just left the room like nothing ever happened last night."
The pressure in my chest builds quicker as I can actually hear the pain in her words and her broken voice. Pain that I caused.
"You hurt me, Harry. Why didn't you just stay?"
I swallow a thick lump in my throat, feeling a sting behind my eyes. My free hand rolls into tight fists, not caring that my nails are slowly punishing my skin.
She's quiet again. I could only hear the sounds of her breathing until I hear her sniffle and my entire body suddenly shifts and becomes heavy. I sit down.
"You're a coward, Harry. But you know what, I'm not going to apologize for what I said because I meant it."
My chest sinks into itself. My jaw wired shut as I swallow down painful thorns. I felt like I couldn't breathe.
"And I'm not trying to force you to say it back but don't make me feel like an idiot for falling for you!"
I hear her chuckle after a small pause but there's no humor laced in it. I almost move the phone away from me, having an inkling that what she'll say next is not going to be any easier to hear than what's she said so far.
"You know what else, Harry? Don't bother coming to the wedding. Don't even bother contacting me after this because I can't do this anymore."
Long buzzing echoes through my ears as a shaky breathe leaves my lips and my vision grows blurry. My body tenses as I stare mindlessly at the floor and ponder if I heard her correctly.
It can't end like this.
It can't be too late.
I was just about to go talk to her.
This was supposed to be a fun trip with her.
We still had the whole day and night ahead of us.
It can't end like this.
It just can't.
"Have fun in New York, Harry."
The seconds that pass by turn to minutes as I hold the phone to my ear. The voicemail had ended already but I still can't seem to move.
Her raw words replay in my dazed mind, becoming a haunting chant that tore at the middle of my chest with every syllable.
My stomach is in knots. I can feel the thundering beats of my heart against my tight chest. I didn't even bother to blink away the few tears that had managed to escape.
What finally breaks me out of it was the sound of my phone hitting the wall across the room, the sharpness of the glass now most likely into chipped pieces.
Anger rushes through my veins as quick as a fire spreads. My body hot and tense. All I wanted was to release everything in me into something else. This felt all too familiar to me.
It takes several deep breaths to reach a somewhat calm state. I need to act with a focused and clear mind. Even if I feel like absolute shit.
The only thing I want to do now is call Lacey.
I grab my phone from the floor. The broken glass of the screen slices through the skin of my thumb but I couldn't care less. I needed to call her.
"C'mon, c'mon," I mumble, holding my breath as I wait for her to pick up. I continue pacing around the room and tugging at my wet locks.
Pick up, Ace. Please pick up.
"Shit!" I hiss and almost hurl my phone across the room again when it goes to voicemail.
I call her again and again. My feet move so quickly around the room, I was becoming lightheaded and the towel was becoming looser on my hips.
I give up after the fifth ring, having no choice but to leave her a voicemail. I didn't want to do it but I don't think she'd want to see me right now anyway.
"Lacey, please listen." I immediately say after the tone.
My mouth tastes faintly of blood from how hard I was nibbling on my bottom lip.
"I know I don't deserve it but please just listen to me."
I let out a long sigh, my mind turning blank and forgetting everything I wanted to say.
"I-fuck." My eyes screwed tightly shut, pulling on my hair tighter to focus. "Lacey, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for leaving the way I did. I never meant to hurt you."
I force myself to sit at the edge of the bed, my knees knocking up and down quickly on the floor.
"I'd much rather do this in person but I understand you probably don't want to see me right now."
I drag my tongue across the broken skin of my lip, nervously scratching the back of my damp neck.
"I'm sorry, Ace. I fucked up." I lightly scoff at myself, my words evocative of the past. "I sound like a fucking broken record, don't I?"
I sigh, clearing my throat as I rub the wetness from my eye with my free hand. This was harder than I initially thought.
"Look, I-I promised your mum that I would there today and I'm trying to keep my word. I know that's important..."
I pause, hesitant to even do this but I don't think I have another choice if I want to make it right.
"I do, however, want to respect your wishes so I won't be at the ceremony."
I sigh, suddenly becoming unsure my plan will even work. It's hard to tell right now because I could hardly think straight.
"But I want to explain everything, Lacey. I need to." I clear my throat, the lump there still present. "I'll be at the reception. Not for long and-and, I'll even show up right before it ends if you want me to...but please give me a chance to explain everything. About last night, about New York... Please."
I know this might be a trap because it's not like Lacey will skip her own mother's wedding reception. And I don't want to corner her and make her feel forced to talk to me but I just don't know how else I can fix this. I don't want her to be miserable today out of all fucking days due to my mistakes.
"And Lacey, I—"
I immediately shut my mouth when my voice cracks slightly, tugging on my bottom lip as I look up at the ceiling and inhale deeply. I haven't cried in ages and I'm not planning to do so now. I feel pathetic enough.
"I hope to see you soon."