4th April, 2009. England
Dear George,
I have been mumbling about what to write for a week, without really finding the courage to turn into words my thoughts just because they look too much like nightmares more than simple ideas; they seem to catch me wherever I am and make my life hell. No matter how far or for how long, I have been away, they don't seem to never find rest.
I then decided that it's useless trying to fool them, try to overcome the problems without really facing them, acting like they never even happened. After all, what's a Nightmares if it's not an irrational fear that gains its power over your own weaknesses?
That's what I tried to tell myself since the day I met you. I was so sure you were what I wanted, what I've been dreaming all along. But the line between dreams and reality is always so thin and easy to be crossed, especially when you walking with your eyes shut.
It seemed I had forgotten what my mom once told me about being careful and don't let my good faith tricked me. I've paid for it when I learned the world is not as beautiful as my teenage eyes made it look like. I never truly understood those words, I never truly believed them till the day of my thirteen birthday, where my dream turned out to be the worst of my nightmares.
I couldn't run from it, nor could I avoided it; There was no alarm that would have awaken me this time because you were real. The marks of your fingers, I felt them tearing apart my skin merciless, ignoring my pleads, my tears. You played it around well anyway, making me believe it was this way for every girl.
George I was so naïve, that's for sure, I was just thirteen, how could I ever know? How could you ever do such thing to me? To the girl you sword you loved? I wasn't ready for it and still now when I'm alone in my house, I can feel your heavy breath on my face as you please yourself over my mistreated body; I hear your voice In my sleep, telling me it was going to be okay. I remember the pain making its way from my center to my heart as you muttered dumb apologies. I remember believing you, I remember going to my mom and telling her what I have done. You had me so completely fooled, that I didn't even know what we had done was wrong, so wrong my mom didn't want to see me again. She was disgusted by me and that was just the begin.
One by one I saw how you took all the people I loved out of my life. I didn't care at that time, I didn't want anyone beside you, no matter how dark your soul was turning out to be, no matter the madness I could clearly see in your eyes the second your smile turned into an evil grin and you landed your hands on me; I was dumb enough to believe I would have saved you. But something went wrong in the process and when I tried to catch an hand to help myself out of your spider web, you dragged me under again and again.
When you left me without a family, when I finally understood you were the only one who stayed, I thought it was because you loved me and I was willing to try again. I saw you getting better, I saw you being the father I've always wanted you to be and taking care of me; I was ready, ready to forget what you have done to me just to give Paul a chance. He was just a baby and I couldn't blame him for the things you have done to me. You gave me back my freedom, you paid for my college and you took me out for dates showing me things I've never seen before, it was going everything so fine. We were trying and I was so proud of you I thought nothing could ever went wrong. Although I was not used to such liberty and I got drunk every day more.
You made me believe Love was a game of power between possession and sporadic act of Kindness and I was so blind, I let you play that game because you were doing it so good I couldn't even complain. But love wasn't the way you painted it to be.
When I felt it for the first time, It wasn't planned, it wasn't decided. I haven't even noticed I was so dam into him till you pointed out. I guess I liked the idea of freedom James represented, more than him as an individual self. I was just a girl and his touch was so different from yours. I'm sorry if in the end, I was the one ruining whatever it was that we had but I couldn't keep living that life waiting for you to blow and start all over again your play. I would like to tell that I'm sorry for falling for James, but it wouldn't be true, because I liked every second of it; He gave me back that part of me you kept trapped and helped me grew up. I'm sorry just about one thing, the way I left you. It wasn't the nicest thing to do, you didn't deserve me leaving like a thief. However that's not my biggest regret. What I regret the most, was leaving my baby girl at your mercy.
I regret not sneaking into your house and taking them away from your hands that night when I came back. I couldn't do it for just one reason, the way you were looking at her like you were desperately holding yourself together. I watched you took her in your arms and squeezed her hard, crying as she caressed your cheek. I watched you fall for her the way you once fell for me and even if it wasn't right, I thought Grace could have succeed and finally freeing you.
Deep down I knew that if I'd took her away, you wounds would have never healed again. You would have been lost and I couldn't do that to you, I couldn't bring myself to hurt you the way you did hurt me, because despite everything I cared for you.
When you noticed I was there watching you, you switched off your humanity but for the first time in years, I held your gaze because I wasn't afraid of you; I was free and nothing could have ever took away that from me. You told me to leave, I tried to convince you to give me my children but you didn't want to give up to them, nor Paul, nor Grace. Despite the reality, you were so convinced she was yours and I didn't want to hurt you any further. So I took my little boy and left.
I've never told you the truth about that girl, but deep down I know you were aware she wasn't exactly your daughter, indeed she had your heart and that was enough to fill the gap you felt between us.
I flight to England leaving everyone behind and it took me sometime but I finally looked back. I have a new family now and I'm ready to start again. Life on the other hand seems to never want to leave me alone. I just discovered my daughter may have cancer, one of those things you can't eradicate from people system and sucks the life away from you little by little. She's not my biological daughter, as you can easily understand, however sometime I sit on the porch, watching the kids playing and, if I force myself, I can picture Grace instead of Kira. I can picture her blue eyes staring back at me, smiling and saying that she loves me. Kira knows it and she's putting space between us. I can tell she's smart like her mother and she cares about her brother more than she will ever care about anyone else.
But I can't help myself. There's no day I spend without imagine how she'd looks like, what she may like and I can't help but asking myself if leaving was worth all of this. If this family I have now or avoiding the pain you caused me, can be compared to the loss I feel for leaving my own children with you. I pray you treat her well, I pray you love her the way I love those two kids. I thank Arianne for leaving them and giving me a second chance. But she left also this terrible thing to Kira and we can't seem to be able to do anything to heal it.
She's so carefree though, even if she knows she has this venin inside of her, she doesn't stop from laughing and does all the things she likes. She's obsessed with clothes like I am, I wonder if Grace has this passion or any other one.
Kira is also the main reason I'm writing this, somehow I think I own you some explanation and a bit of truth plus a part of me prays you will tell them the truth when they will be ready. I know you're looking for me and I'm glad Max doesn't know about any of my past, but I beg this words could warm your heart and help you to set me free once and for all. I beg this will make you love Grace and treat her good.
About my biological child you didn't want and let me take away with me, he doesn't know the truth. He doesn't know I am his mother. He doesn't have a family, his grandfather thought it was better if he gave him up to one of his bastard child so no one would have suspected anything and surely James wouldn't have found it out. Believe me if I tell you he would not even need a test to understand he is his child, but this you already know since you gave up on him because he was just like him. Scott is afraid, I suppose, that James could jeopardize his bright future to come and look for me. If he knew about them, About his kids, I know he would love them. Shame destiny took him away this privilege which I own more than half of the blame for it
When I came to England and showed up to see him, his father ripped my baby boy away from my hands and kicked me out. Still now, I can feel my arms turning cold as the boy got taken away from me. You probably don't care, but I truly understand how you felt when I left and for that, I still am paying, so I'm sorry.
Luckily he got the good judgment to let him closer to me so I could have took good care of him as well. Harry seems to like him a lot and I'm glad he does. But not being able to care about him the way I would, is tearing apart my already broken heart; not being able to tell him that I love him the way I can with Harry, is making him closing on himself but I can't risk for Scott to haunt Grace or Harry or any of the people I love for my mistake so I pretend everything is fine.
If it wasn't for Harry, I would have gave up on my life long time ago. He's the sweetest boy I've ever meet. Max said it took that from his mother, I'd like to think it's me the one he got inspired by, since he doesn't even remember about her. We both have decided when we got together, that Harry would have never know about his biological mother and I'm glad about it. But I'm just taking someone's place here and it's so sad because I can only be the mother of children I haven't give birth to.
Everyone needs second chances, I left Grace there because I'm sure she will be yours. I got a life on my own here and start again. It's not always easy, it's not always rainbows and blue skies but I grew stronger enough to take whatever life can give me. I hope where you are now is nice, I will send you money as soon as I got it. Please use it for them, for making their life a less painful. I know it's selfish expecting them to miss me, I know they hate me, especially Paul, but please when you kiss them goodnight tonight, tell them I love them every day since I left a little more and that my love, will always be there for them when they will be ready. I will do it with my Alex too, since he's the only one who's still with me.
Hope you make up your mind and finally get out from your vicious life. I hope you find that ray of sun and hold on to that. I'm keeping it right next to me right now as Harry sleeps on the couch waiting for me to finish work.
Your unforgivable girl.
Emilia
Grace's POV.
I've read it at least ten times, going through the meaning, trying to catch it even if it was clear. I read it again, just in case I was inventing things but the words don't change, they stay exactly the way I've read it the first time. In this single paper, all the history was summarize and I am just trying not to freak out but it's hard. My beliefs once again were reverted and I feel like I am about to choke myself with the enormous amount of emotion I'm feeling.
'' So what does it say? I've read just the start of it.'' I pass an hand on my hair and let the yellow paper fall from my hands as I stand up. I look around the room, feeling shocked and angry.
Why didn't she tell me that? Why was she so stubborn and never told me the truth when she got the chance? I went with Paul a while ago and she lied to my face. Why?
As rage starts to fill my veins, I find my body shaking hard. my legs give in and I almost fall on my knees. I feel so strange, like I' am about to throw up all the things I'm thinking right now.
Alex awkwardly comes closer, his eyes searching for mine as he bites his lower lip in attempt to decide what to do with me. I must not look good, he is staring at me like he's going to faint in my place just by glancing at me.
Alex. The boy who never met his family. They boy who grew up taking care of himself; the boy who is ready to take a bullet for his friends because he still believes that they are his only treasure. The boy who never receive love but was always ready to give it away. The boy who scarified his freedom to be here now with me.
The boy I seem to recall from a long lost past. My biological brother.
'' Grace, are you okay? Do I need to go take something from downstairs?'' he sweetly asks. I scratch my eyes and after an heavy sigh, I erase the distance between us throwing my arms around his neck. I squeeze his strong body to me as hard as I can, feeling so sorry for him. He had her there his whole life, he even considered her like his own mother but never had the chance to know she actually was his mother. He watched Harry and Kira taking what was his and never complained about. Because he didn't know and because he was too good to even believe someone so dear to him could have lied.
'' Grace'' he calls for me as his hand strokes my head gently, trying to calm me down. '' what's this, another random of those hug attack you have?'' he teases and I hold him tightly, taking his breath away.
'' I'm sorry,'' I say feeling so selfish for spending all this time not knowing anything about it, for not changing his life, for not making it better. I'm sorry for that shitty mother we have that loved us so much but never enough to take the risk and screw up her new life in order to save us.
'' Okay, you're scaring me.'' he nervously laughs but it dies the second I burry my face in his crotch.
'' Did I say something I shouldn't have? Because if I did, it wasn't my intention to upset you. I won't talk about Harry again, don't make me worry.'' I just need a moment, I just need him to know if I'd only knew about him, I would have knocked down anything in order to find him.
'' I just, I'm happy it's you. I wouldn't have accept anyone else.'' my tone raises as tears of joy tickling my eyes. It's true, no one would have ever been as good as him to play that part in my life. Now a lot of things have meaning; now a lot of things have their explanation. The attraction between us was the blood calling for his twin. It was the too fragile love we were starting to feel for each other when they divided us that never got the chance to evolve.
I will never forgive them for doing it, for taking away the only decent person from my life and make him suffer every day of his life, but I'm happy he's back to me now. I feel like those years spent alone are just a far memory I don't need to worry myself about anymore. Things will go back to place eventually and this is the start I was looking for.
'' Me? What about me?'' I take a long breath and pull away. I look into his eyes and cup his cheeks with my trembling hands, a little hint of a smile on my face.
I could give him the letter and make him read it, but no one would take away from me the satisfaction of saying those words first. I've been craving for them since ever.
'' You remember that brother we were looking for?'' I casually tell and Alex raises an eyebrow to me to invite me on keep going '' I didn't need to look anywhere because he was with me all along. He has been there this whole time and being the fool I am, I didn't even know.'' Alex shakes his head, astonished by my words and after a second of silence, his eyes go wild and he catches my wrist with his warm fingers.
'' What? You're kidding,'' he breathe out and I bite my lip shaking my head vigorously. I can see it now, Emilia was right, how could I not see. He's just like Damien, his eyes shape, his dark hair. George send him away because he reminded him of Damien a lot, Scott as well wanted him as far from his son as possible. It would have suffice a glare to Damien, just one, to notice Alex was just like him.
'' I will never do it, not on a such hard topic.'' Alex stares at my expression as I was really teasing him but I know he can read the answer right in my eyes. A smile starts to spread on his lips as his whole face lights up and before I know, I'm spinning around the room as his arms knock my breathe out of my chest.
'' Alex, I'm going to throw up if you don't stop. I'm pregnant!'' I whine and he put me down immediately, his cheek so red I thought I was going to die from laughter.
'' Sorry. It is too good to be true, you know me having a family, a father and a mother. It was like a dream I didn't ever dare myself to linger on, but now it's true and you're here. You know what this means?'' I shrug my shoulder and Alex shakes me gently as his fingers press on my bare skin.
'' Harry is not your brother. And if he's not your brother, it means your baby will be fine. and I'm going to become uncle before the summer ends. You're gonna have your happy ending Grace. Now it's so clear, no one can step in the way. I can see you, you and Harry-'' I make my gaze fall and he stops his words from flowing away.
'' You don't seem glad about the news.'' He notices and I sit myself on the couch, staring out of the window. The rain is starting to fall heavy around the city.
'' You really think this will change anything, don't you?'' Alex nods firmly and I embrace my legs as I smile for his innocence. Despite the hard look and his bad boy aspect, Alex is as pure and kind as the winter snow.
'' Harry didn't left me because we were siblings, we were past that already, I was prepared to face that problem and ignore it, we both were. Harry left because he wasn't ready for me. He feels guilty for all the bad things he have done to me and if he doesn't forgive himself first, there's anything else I can do. I'm just starting to realizing that maybe, I don't even want to do anything about it, I've done so much and it never brought me to anything. In the end, he always running away, I can't spend my life waiting for him. I would have done it, but I have something to guard and even if I don't want to, life goes on with or without him. It will just be a bit more hard however he made his choice. I gave him chance after chance and he screw them all up, deciding for both of us.''
Alex sits next to me, his gaze not leaving mine as he stares at me in disbelief. He can't believe at my words. he doesn't want to. He is so selfless that can't imagine to reach for his happy ending while someone he cares about, is left behind by the cruelty that life can show.
'' What about the baby? You will give it the same destiny we both had preventing Harry from taking care of it.'' that hurt pretty bad, but the truth is that, and I can't change it, I've tried but it just doesn't work like that.
'' No, it will be fine instead. This child will be loved and about Harry, he can still be there for it if he wants. For what concerns me, I'm too hurt to let him rip my heart apart again. I won't forbade him to be the father of this baby, I saw Damien damning himself for not being there during my life and I won't put Harry through the same shit, not if I can prevent it. The question is, is Harry ready? Does Harry want to be there for it? I don't know if he is. Time will answer to this I suppose.'' Alex's eyes fall on my stomach, pain flashing on his features as he imagines what will happen to this innocent creature inside of me. I don't even know myself, but I know I will do anything to protect this kid, I'm determinate to give myself to it, all myself. The same gift Harry didn't want.
'' And I'm not alone. I actually think this baby will have all the love it needs and more. Imagine how many uncles and aunties does it already have. It will never feel like he's not worth. I'm positive things will go fine In the end, just I'm not sure what this fine will mean exactly, not for me and Harry at least.'' I speak and Alex drags me closer, hugging me hard.
'' I don't know about others, but I'm the only uncle here. And I intend to stay the only one. I may get jealous if others claim what's mine for right'' I giggle and light my mood again.
I rethink about the letter for a second. Emilia wrote it because of Kira. Once again, that girl saved me without even knowing me. She must have been a strong, beautiful person. I squeeze my necklace in my hands and glare up at the ceiling.
I don't usually pray, so I'm sorry if I'm crap at this. I just hope you're listening up there and you're not busy for this request of mine. I know you did this, I know you're behind everything good that happens to me and Harry and even if it ended up this way, I want to thank you Kira. Thank you for being a marvelous guardian angel, thanks for giving me Harry and let him heal me. Thanks for everything, we will never met and I will never be able to thank you properly, but we want to same thing so I beg you to keep good care of my curly boy. He's alone now and will not come to me anymore. Just let him find his road, he's a bit confused and need your help.
***
Harry's POV.
'' Arlene,'' I scream.
That girl will make me grow old sooner than I even get the chance to notice my hair have gone gray. She wanted to play hide and seek while I was working at the library and when I told her it was not even an option, she ran away yelling hysterically that I was not funny and stuff.
I just rolled my eyes and kept working, but after an hour without seeing her pretty red head popping out from anywhere, I kind of got scared so now I'm searching for her. I know she's here, she's too smart to get out and wondering alone so late at night. Okay it's just six but it's dark and the thought of her walking by herself send cold chills down my spine.
'' Arlene, it's not funny. I don't like playing this game. Come out, it's getting late and I have to take you to your uncle,'' I shout but she doesn't answer, making me so mad.
'' C'mon. I'll let you mess with my hair if you come our right away,'' I smartly offer. I don't like having people touch my hair but she's just a baby and I know how much she likes caressing it.
I walk in the back of the library where Cassandra keeps all the boxes full of untouched books. I'm starting to worry sick. '' Arlene. Get out and we will play, I promise'' I spot a mess of red curls hidden under the desk and sigh in relief. She's frowning and her lips are pressed together as she tries to act scary. I pretend I don't see her and cross my arms to my chest.
'' Arlene, is this your way of treating your old brother? I won't be your friend for long if you keep being mean with me.'' I watch as she cringes and rubs her tiny hands under her nose to prevent the tears from falling. She's mad at me, she is really mad at me.
'' Then don't. I don't want you. You're ugly and bad. I don't want you to be my brother. You never want to play with me. I hate you.'' that hurt so bad but I ignore the feeling at the center of my stomach and try to understand she's just a lonely little girl, she doesn't need me to be a jackass.
'' But I do want to be your brother. There's anything else I like more than play with you, Now come out so I can apologize for being an ass-'' I clear my throat and change the word before it's too late '' ass-absolute bad person'' I save myself. Arlene smiles and she pops out from her hiding looking around for me. When she notices me she deepens her hands in her pockets. I slowly pace to her direction and stop right in front of her.
'' You just said a bad word'' she points out as it was the most important thing. I bend down and caress her strands away from her face and touch her nose gently.
'' Yeah, and you must not repeat it. I mean it Arlene, you know I'm a bad boy. But you're a good girl and good girls as beautiful as you should never use such dirty language.'' Arlene nods and I place my hands on her hips making her little body rocking around like a little wave.
''Isn't Grace a good girl? She used bad words too.'' she points out and my heart aches at the mention of her name. I don't know what to say, because talking about her is never easy.
'' Grace forgets sometimes how beautiful and good she is. You should never do the same.'' I offer Arlene my hand and she takes it as I walk her out of that dark room and into the shelves full of books. Arlene makes our intertwined hands slide back and forth as it is some funny game.
'' Harry, can you sing to me? That song you sing for Grace, the one at the dance when I make the boy fall'' I giggle at the memory of that boy tripping over Arlene's foot and sit myself down. So many things have changed and I'm so sorry Arlene met Grace in such circumstances. I know that soiled her memory of Grace really bad. Somehow she can't help but been kind of attracted by her. She's always speaking of her, asking me questions that I force myself to answer even if I don't' want to. Her eyes shine so bright when I talk about Grace with the red head.
I start to sing to distract myself as Arlene takes out the phone. I let her, she's always with that thing in her hands going through my things so I don't mind.
'' Do you think Grace will like for you to become a singer everyone knows, she won't have you all for herself anymore. I think '' I grin as I raise my voice a bit for the bridge.
Talking about Grace makes me so tired, sometime I don't even have the energy to open my eyes or think.
As the words die in my throat while the song comes to an end, Arlene sits in front of me staring adoringly. The typical look little kids have that can make you feel special.
'' I don't know what she will like'' I admit '' but I'm sure she will wish the best to me.''
Arlene passes me my phone and I knit my eyebrow together as I see something strange flashing on it.
'' What are you doing?'' Arlene creeps a very angelic guilty smile on her face as she flatters her long eyelashes.
'' I'm calling Grace for asking her'' I curse and rush to get the phone. When I'm about to catch it, I hear the beeping sound stopping and her voice filling the room. My body goes cold and I close my eyes, unable to move.
'' Harry?'' she questions and Arlene smiles widely as she asks for the phone. God help me, this is not going to end up well. But I comply and give her my phone, not in the mood for talking to Grace. I'm to coward for doing it, I didn't call for a week straight after she wished me happy birthday and only know I let that sink in so that I can feel miserable.
'' Hello Grace'' Arlene says and I peck at my nails desperate to hear what she will say to that little girl.