(⚠️) these next few chapters may be triggering to most people!
Lia
Three am. Christmas morning. I haven't eaten since Saturday when I took a bite of dinner and it's Tuesday.
I feel weak and tired but I'm too scared to sleep. I've probably gotten a total of ten hours in the past few days.
My head pounds. My knees hurt from breaking sticks over then at the rink.
I look at the picture of Lilly and I on my nightstand. She haven't spoken to me or even tried to reach out to me.
I've texted her. Just one word though. Hey. And she read it but didn't answer.
Whenever I move my body aches and feels soar even though I've barely left my bed.
My dad's been acting different since Raquel came.
He still loves her. I can tell by the way he looks at her.
She doesn't love him. She loves money. She doesn't love any of us.
Marissa. I could never hate a little girl. She replaced me.
Raquel's husband. He yelled at me. Telling me I shouldn't speak to the woman who brought me into this world like that. That I'm never going to get anywhere in life with my attitude. That Raquel has done everything for me. Lies. All lies.
My brother is trying to hold all the pieces together and I can tell he's struggling.
Raquel is upset I didn't do a sport like Tennis or something. I've been playing Lacrosse since the beginning of time and I'd expect her to know that but she must've forgotten. My dad had me show them some skills and Raquel and her husband told me it was okay. That maybe I would've been better at bowling. Raquel's husband pulled me to the side and told me that I'm terrible and that I'm never going to be good enough.
I cry thinking about all these things. I can't sleep and I don't want to eat.
Colton plagues my mind. I just want him.
I reach and grab my ukulele propped on the side of my bed.
I strum quietly.
"Somebody said you got a new friend" I sing as quietly as I can.
My heart has been hurting for the past few days. I just want a break.
I decide I need some fresh air and stop singing and strumming.
I stand up my knees feeling weak.
I bring my ukulele downstairs with me and I go to the backyard.
I sit on one of the chairs at our outdoor table and look up at the sky. It looks empty.
It's cold. Very cold.
I start strumming again quietly. I start singing at a different part this time.
"And yeah I know it's stupid. But I just gotta see it for myself. I'm in the corner watching you kiss her, oh oh oh. And I'm right over here, why can't you see me? Oh oh oh. And I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the girl your taking home, ooh ooh oh. I keep dancing on my own." I stop because I can't go on.
I start crying harder.
I feel so tired but I can't sleep.
_____
"Here." I say placing the girls presents gently in Ellie's hands.
I then gather all the guys presents and give them to Toby.
"I'll take extra care of Colton's presents." Toby says.
I look at both of them and just nod.
"We'll head out." Ellie says.
I nod again.
Logan steps up and opens his arms. He wraps them tightly around me.
"It's going to be okay, Lia." He says.
I cry again. I just keep crying. Logan pulls away. He taps my shoulder and gives me a small smile. I return with a weak one.
Toby hands Logan all the presents I piled onto him.
"You guys go ahead I'll meet you outside." He says.Ellie and Logan leave. "Come here Lia." He pulls me into a hug and rests his chin on my head. I bury my face in his chest and cry. Toby smells like pizza.
"You smell like pizza." My words are muffled by his shirt.
"I take that as a compliment now shush." He drums his hands on my back making me cough and unable to catch my breath, "Oh shit I'm sorry." He says stopping.
"You're so bad at this."
"Yeah yeah. Do you want to go sit in your bathtub?"
"Don't you have to go?"
"I'm sure Logan and Ellie would not mind some alone time." He says waddling us to the bathroom.
"Sometimes I wish you were gay."
"Don't ruin the moment!" He pulls away from the hug and gets in the bathtub. "But why?" He asks.
I climb in across from him.
"So we can have sleepovers and Colton can't get mad." I cry harder at his name.
Toby gives me a sad look. I pull my knees to my chest. A position I've found much comfort in the past few days.
"Your faucet is really uncomfortable." He says turning around and hitting it.
"Could've Chosen This side." All this crying makes me feel dizzy, "they all hate me."
"Lia c'mon. Who could possibly hate you."
"Everyone." I sniff. "I bought Lilly a charm bracelet. Each charm represents something sentimental to both of us. I don't think she's going to wear it. She hasn't talked to me."
"You bought everyone really good gifts." He says.
"You think?" I look at him. "Your gift is to meet your favorite NHL player."
"Exactly why nobody can hate you."
I smile. I think about all my friends and the past few days. I've been so unmotivated. I haven't been practicing lacrosse. Raquel's husbands words keep repeating in my head every time I look at my stick.
"Toby Don't Tell anyone," I begin, "But I think I'm going to quit Lacrosse."
"What?" His facial expression full of surprise.
"I'm quitting." I look back down at my feet and a loud sob escapes my mouth. "I don't want to."
"Then don't!"
"It's for the better. For the team." So I don't bring them down.
"Lia if you quit lacrosse I will quite literally never talk to you again because you are a beast at it."
My heart aches when he says he would never talk to me again. I look up at him and I cry harder. My bottom lip pops out.
"I'm not good at it." I shake my head, "and why does everyone not want to talk to me?"
"Lia I didn't mean it like that!" Toby says sitting up straight. He places his hands on my shoulders it an attempt to stop me from crying so hard.
"Hey Lia. Dad wants you spending time with us." My brother says. I didn't even hear him come in. "The bathtub?" He asks walking in and sitting next to it.
"Yeah. So my tears go down the drain."
Alex and Toby laugh.
"I know everything has been hard." Alex says.
"I just wish she wasn't here. I had a good seven years without her and I can go the rest of my life like that."
"Hanging in here doesn't seem too bad. Especially with the family downstairs." Alex says. "Don't you have to go spend time with your family Toby? It's Christmas."
"I told them I was delivering presents." Toby says.
"Logan and Ellie are waiting." I say.
"Alright Fine if you want me to leave I'll leave!" Toby says standing up and climbing over me out of the bathtub. "Just remember that I love you Lia." He says before leaving.
"Love you too, Toby." I lean my head against the shower wall. "Everything's gone to shit."
"Agreed." Alex says.
_____
It's Thursday. I still have not eaten anything and I feel even more weak.
I walk into the gym dressed in black sweatpants and a black hoodie, my hood is up in an attempt to shield my swollen eyes and tear stained face. I have my practice uniform in hand and my other hand is stuffed in my pants pocket fidgeting with my keys.
I showed up to practice fairly late which I shouldn't have because I feel like all the girls are looking at me as I walk to Maria.
I reach her and hand her my practice uniform. My heart beats in my chest and my tears threaten to spill. My whole body shakes.
I love this sport. I really do. But Raquel's husbands voice keeps shouting at me every time I think about it. I don't bother to learn his name.
"I'm very sorry about this Maria. But I quit." My bottom lip quivers and I start crying. Feeling dizzy from how much I've cried and how dehydrated I am.
"Merlia." She says looking up at me.
"I'm not good enough for this team." I set the practice uniform next to her because she won't grab it.
"Merlia you're captain." She says.
"Yeah that doesn't mean I'm good. Sometimes people are picked captain because of their popularity. Sometimes people are picked captain because of pity." I wipe away my tears, "I'm so sorry."
Maria stands up and hugs me. I feel scared. Because everyone is watching me. I can feel them watching.
I love Maria's hug.
"Merlia no." She says.
"Raquel's back. Her new family is here. They all think I'd be better at bowling."
"Maria that's not true."
I pull away from the hug.
"I'm sorry but I have to. I'm not good enough to be on this team." I start walking out of the gym.
"Merlia!" Maria yells after me.
I just quit. I just quit the sport I love.
"Girls. Your Captain just quit." I hear Maria say in a soft voice right before I push open the gym doors.
I hear some girls gasp.
I didn't know anything could hurt so much. Hurt like a bitch.
I love lacrosse.
_____
We're all gathered in the living room to watch a Christmas movie together.
I hate it.
Marissa keeps laughing at things I used to find funny.
Raquel bought me a fancy dress. I want to burn it. I want to cut it up.
I feel bad for my dad because he bought me so many lacrosse things that I'm never going to use.
Alex. Hockey stuff. Another sport I love but suck at.
Our living room is dark except for the glow of the Christmas tree and the tv. It's snowing outside.
I've never lost my Christmas joy no matter how old I got. But this year. I definitely don't feel it.
"I'm gonna go outside." I say as I watch the snowfall from my window.
I get up and walk to our back door and step outside.
I walk to the middle of our yard and lay down in the snow.
Everyone is in their warm houses drinking hot chocolate with their happy family.
And here I am.
__________
•End•