Hobi
I've been a zombie for the past few days. I can't even handle myself. I'm a terrible human being.
YoonGi has been MIA for a bit. He said he's been too stressed and that his mom is taking care of him.
At least he's not alone.
I ended up having Dewon stay at the Kim's because I've just not been ready to see her. How can I look my baby girl on the eyes and smile when I'm the reason her brother is dead.
I'm such a terrible fucking parent. I absolutely hate myself.
Of course Jin had to tell Joon what happened and even Joon is a wreck. He feels guilty for not stopping me. I'm honestly surprised I still have friends at this point.
My own mother doesn't want to deal with me. She smacked me across the face because I put hands on a pregnant person.
She told me that I will regret my choices. She's always been on Tae's side no matter what argument we had. She's convinced that Tae is innocent and that I was stop stupid to see the truth.
She absolutely hates YoonGi. She's never liked him. When we first became friends my mom said she could tell he was a bad person. Not to mention she hates YoonGi's mom. But that hate stems from the time Yoons mom sprayed weed killer on my moms prized azaleas the day before the towns flower competition. It was the only year my mother lost.
God I'm such a fuck up. But there's nothing I can do. Even if I beg for forgiveness it's not like I deserve it. I assaulted my own husband and caused him trauma.
I know it won't make up for what I did but I can let him see Dewon more than once a week. The fact that he still fought for visitation even though I took our son away from shows that he truly loves her. He could have walked away from everything so that he didn't have to see me but he endures it so that he can see her.
Plus he doesn't even bad mouth YoonGi. She's always telling me how her Papa tells her to be nice to YoonGi and he even used his own money to buy baby things because Dewon really wanted to buy princess stuff for her sisters.
How difficult that must have been. To buy baby items for the man that's pregnant with your ex husbands kids while you're mourning the loss of you own child.
YoonGi is 17 weeks pregnant. Tae would have been 32 weeks pregnant today. Even if we wouldn't be together I know the type of person he is. He would have asked if I wanted to go to appointments. He would have given me copies of ultrasounds.
I'm so fucking sorry.
•
"Excuse me Mr. Jung you have a Mr. Kim Taehyung asking to see you" my new receptionist said
What is Tae doing here? Oh god did something happen with Dewon
"Let him in" I replied
Within two minutes Tae was sitting across the table from me.
He looks like he lost weight. I would too if I was in his situation. I know I lost a baby too but he had to under surgery because I hurt him.
"Hi" he said nervously
"Hi" I replied
How can he sit there and be in the same room as me. If it were the other way around I would cry and yell.
"I'm sorry to show up unannounced but I have something to say to you"
Is he going to tell me? Tell me what I caused? Tell me how much he's hurting? God I hate myself.
"What would you like to say"
"Well I was speaking with Dewon last night and she told me how she's scared about no being loved once the babies are born but I assured her how you and YoonGi will love her"
Wow. He came to talk about this. He could have kept this a secret but the fact that he's willing to come face to face with a monster to make sure Dewon's feeling are heard just proves how good of a parent he his
"I just don't want her to feel sad you know. This is all still confusing for her and it's our job to make sure she's as emotionally happy as she can me"
It's weird taking to him. He's not even smiling. Normally when he would see me he would smile and his eyes would shine but now it's like there's no emotion in his face.
How could I hurt him
"Thanks for telling me. Well make sure to assure her"
"And I always wanted to talk about discipline"
"What about?"
"Well I want to make sure we're on the same page about not spanking her."
"Of course. I would never lay a hand on my own kid I could never hurt some-"
I stopped my sentence. When I saw him about to cry. I was going to say I would never hurt someone. But that's a lie. I hurt him. I hurt our son.
"What brought this on?" I asked
"She told me that she was jumping on her bed and that YoonGi hit her on the leg to get her to stop. Since she's around him I hope that you told him how we agreed to discipline and how spanking is not okay. Also she said he called her annoying. I know how being pregnant and having a grade schooler can be difficult but in no way should he be saying that to her" he said in a angry town
He was always a mama bear with her. He never backed down from anything when it came to D. I remember how he yelled at a group of moms and dads who thought it was okay to body shame her when she was 5 and at her first ballet class. Apparently they thought it was okay to call her chunky and comment how she was too short to dance ballet.
She grew like a weed and at 7 she's the best damn ballerina in her class
"I wasn't aware that he spanked her. But yes I will address the issue with him. And about the name calling I will tell him not to. I know he's stressed with the pregnancy and we started talk of him adopting D so this is all new to him-"
"What?" He cut me off
"I said this is all new to him"
"You're going to let him adopt her? Why? She's my daughter not his. I've raised her. He barely even knows her" he yelled with tears in his eyes
"Relax Tae-"
"How am I supposed to relax? He's spending time with my kid and he's mean to her. And now he's supposed to be the one adopting her? The fuck? She's my kid okay. I can't lose her. She's all I have" he screamed
"We talked about it once. No one is adopting her okay. Sorry I brought it up" I replied
All he did was cry.
"Please Hoseok. She's all I have. You can hate me, but please don't take her away. I have one day a week and that kills me. I'm happy that I at least get that but I freaking miss her okay."
I've never seen him break down like this before. God I'm a monster
"Hey no one is taking her from you. You're her papa and she loves you so much. I know you love her with all your heart. We can change the visitation"
"Oh god don't please. Don't take away my day. I'm so sorry please Hoseok" he begged
"I'm not taking away days. My schedule changed with the company expansion so I'm not with her on Friday's. Jin takes her to school and keeps her on Friday. He's 7 months pregnant and I know he's stressed."
He finally stopped crying
"You can pick her up on Thursday nights and take her to school on Friday. You can spend all of Friday, Saturday and Sunday with her and take her to school on monday" I explained
"Really?" He smiled
That's the first time in a while since I saw that smile.
"Yes really. I'll even have the papers changed to reflect the new agreement"
"Wow thank you so much Hoseok. Um I have to go now. Thank you so much"
With that he left my office.
After thinking about about our conversation I realized something.
Since the night I hurt him he hasn't called me Hobi. Hearing him say my actual name hurts. But then again this I what I wanted. I wanted to end things.