I feel a hot sensation on the side of my face, hear the sound of wood crackling in a fire, and I can smell it too. It doesn't hurt when I move, but it's uncomfortable on my side, and I feel a hand on my arm as I try to sit up, opening my eyes to see Toby's concerned, mesmerising, ocean blues.
"Don't move, just lie down until you're fully awake," he says, tucking my messy hair behind my ear, the dents of his dimples deepening. "You've no idea how good it is to see you."
I flinch away from his soft touch on my cheek, causing him to sigh and kneel next to me. I'm lying on a soft, beige corner couch pushed up towards the massive fireplace, probably to heat up my frozen body. Toby looks different, his stubble and messy hair making him look exhausted yet... he's still as handsome as ever, even while wearing a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms he probably stole off someone. But he's still hot.
What? No... he's a prick who needs a knee to the balls.
"You..." My mouth runs dry, seeing images of the man's body falling to the ground next to me. My eyes widen as I look at my hands and then to Toby, specks of blood covering us. "You killed him."
"I had to," he responds with a shrug. "He was seconds from killing you."
I throw the blanket off my body and stand with a slight wince, looking down at him with fear. "But you killed him! Who was he?"
"Just a worker at Ravenscraig, I paid him to help us escape during the transfer." He looks at his new phone, then tosses it on the table next to the couch. "We're not expected to arrive for two days so we've got time to disappear."
"Who's we? And he's not just a worker, he was a fucking human being with a family and you took his life, just like you did with that young boy!" I'm taken by surprise as Toby drops his head, nodding, staring at the shaggy rug in silence as his hands tug at his brown strands. "You could have just injured him to stop him."
"He was about to kill you, Aria!" He huffs as he keeps his head down, shaking it. "I acted on instinct and I don't regret it."
"Of course," I reply sarcastically.
Stepping back, I make my way through the open floor planned room, stopping in the kitchen, scrubbing off the crimson stains on my hands vigorously in the sink. It burns, the harshness of the brush making my skin raw. I know Toby can hear my rapid bursts of breaths, the gasps that fall from my lips as I try not to break down and grip the basin.
I don't know why I keep making these ridiculous decisions, having it in my head that I, the woman he drugged and messed with, could talk Toby Mitchell into going back to a mental hospital to live out whatever sentence he's being served with.
I've not been myself at all this year, and it's ever since I met him.
"Aria," he draws out a sigh, his hand finding my waist as I stare at him in the reflection of the window above the sink. "Please don't be mad at me."
"Mad?" I retort as I spin around, knocking his hand away from me. "Do you want me to list off everything you've done to me? I should be mad, I shouldn't be standing here trying to help you once again!" I shove at his chest as I walk by him, standing by the fire, trying to heat myself up as my soaked through clothes cling to my skin.
"Then why are you here?" he asks, standing beside me as we both stare into the dancing inferno. "Am I just that irresistible?" he jokes with a soft shoulder nudge, and I fight to keep the scowl on my face as I grit my teeth.
"You killed two people, Toby. You shouldn't be allowed to walk freely." I pat down my pockets, turning to look at my surroundings. "Where's my phone?"
"There's no signal out here."
I cross my arms, snarling at him. "Where is it?"
He walks until his chest is to my face, his breathing uneven as his nostrils flare. "Why're you here?"
I try to hold my stance, keeping my chin up. "You need to go back," I say, feeling my heart starting to accelerate at his closeness. "You... you're dangerous."
"Are you afraid of me?"
"No," I respond quickly, confidently, watching him nod. I don't flinch as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear with a shaky hand, and I keep my eyes on his, the intensity in the small act alone is making me falter. "I should be," I say breathlessly as his fingertips graze down my neck, his thumb pressing on my chin to part my lips.
"I missed you."
I slap his hand away, even though deep down, I want him to continue. "You can't use fake words on me to change my mind. You need to go back and that's why I'm here."
His hands are moving up my arms lazily, slow strokes that have my eyes fluttering, and I don't stop him. "Fake words," he repeats with a sliver of sadness. "You really don't believe that I care for you, do you? I mean, I've killed for you. Who the fuck can say that?"
Even through my cold, soaked coat, his touch is annoyingly electrifying. "No," I whisper. "You can't feel that way about me, it's..." My throat begins to tighten, I tense my jaw to stop it from trembling. "It's impossible."
"It's not, Aria." Both of his hands reach up to my face, and I feel my eyes water as he takes a deep breath. "I do love you. It might not be the same way you feel it, but it's a raw emotion that's strong enough for me to know exactly what I want and what lengths I'll go to to keep you safe. You and our baby."
"You can't love, Toby. I wish you could, but you can't," I cry, allowing my tears to fall down to his hands on my cheeks. "This is all just a game to you."
He leans in and presses his forehead to mine, my fingers curl around his wrists, holding him to me. "What can I do to prove to you that it's real?"
"Go back," I croak through a sob, feeling my knees buckling. "Go back with me now and I'll believe you."
"I'll never see you again," he replies, his jaw clenching. "I can't."
With a surge of anger, I move away from him and march out onto the porch, the coldness instantly slapping me in the face as I breathe out bursts of foggy air, leaning my elbows on the wooden bannister. I bow my head, my body shaking as every emotion floods me.
First off, I feel an immense amount of rage. I'm so angry at Toby for becoming my assistant, for getting close to him to a point that I'd feel this strongly about him. It's driving me nuts that he's done so much to me, yet I still can't look at him without feeling butterflies. I want to walk in there and punch him hard, but then I'd feel bad and probably apologise.
Secondly, I feel confused. I have everything back home with Ewan, I could have a life... Yet, I'm standing on this porch of some random person's lodge with my psychotic ex, staring at the spot I thought I'd be taking my last breaths in.
Lastly, I feel my heart shattering at every passing moment between us. I know it's wrong, and that I should maybe sign myself into Ravenscraig too, but I wish that we met under different circumstances. If he wasn't...well, challenged in ways I can't explain, we could have been something special. I truly believe he cares for me, but love? I find it hard to believe that someone like him could feel that way about anyone.
Hmm... love, it's quite a dangerous thing, isn't it? It can have so many effects on someone, positively and negatively. However, is it really possible for someone to love two people? And to be drawn to the wrong person? I know for a fact that Ewan would make me happy, safe, and we'd be a solid unit for both our kids. But with Toby, we have no future, he is either going to end up in a padded room with his arms wrapped or heavily drugged up until he forgets my name.
It's quite sad actually, that the man opening the door behind me and staying silent while I sob into the Baltic temperatures, has no chance of a proper life. Yet, when he's with me, he's good at keeping himself balanced. When I'm not there, he's somehow capable of kidnapping people and murder.
"There are clothes upstairs that will fit you," Toby tells me, leaning his elbows on the bannister beside mine, glancing at me sideways. "You're going to get sick if you stay in those, they're soaked."
"I'm not getting changed here."
He takes a deep breath and tugs at a strand of blonde, forcing me to look down. "You have that guy's blood splattered over your face and hair." I gasp and cover my mouth, rushing into the lodge with Toby trailing behind. "Are you hurt?" he asks as I make my way up the narrow stairs to the first floor, flicking on the lights to find the bathroom. "Will the baby be okay?"
"I'm fine, I curled up to protect it. I'm not sore," I reply without looking at him, feeling my soul leave my body when I stare into the mirror at my harrowing image. I lose my footing and grab the sink, looking down at my clothes then to my reflection once more, not waiting a second to start stripping in a flustered manner.
I'm not caring that Toby is standing in the doorway, keeping his eyes on the wall beside him so he doesn't look at me removing every single piece of clothing as I sob, leaving them in a heap on the floor and standing in the shower, turning on the cool water.
I grab the closest soap, rubbing off every spot of blood in a hurry, grimacing at the thin trail of red running down the drain as I shampoo my hair, all while Toby stands with his back to me in silence.
"This is your fault," I say, searching for a bottle of conditioner. "I can't believe you killed him."
"I'm sorry," he replies quietly. "But I was protecting you and our child, something I will always do."
I turn to face him... well, his back. "Sure," I reply mockingly. "What do I need to know? You said you wanted me to know your history."
His head falls back, staring at the tiled ceiling. "Um, yeah...My dad was similar."
"To?" I push, rinsing the conditioner through my hair, noticing the mirror steaming up.
"Me." He turns to face me, and my breath hitches. I fully expect his eyes to drag down the length of my exposed body, but he keeps them trained on mine through the glass, gulping down whatever lump has gathered in his throat. "Don't let him feel alone, that's when it gets dark and the voices start." He taps the side of his head, seeming to be struggling with this. "Control means everything."
"What voices?"
He shuts his eyes and runs his palm down his face. "I can't talk about this while you're naked, Aria. It's mindfucking me."
I huff, wiping down the steamed-up glass so he can see me properly, caught on each other's gaze, the annoying organ in my chest beating faster as the silence between us becomes torturous. With our eyes glued, I tip my head, daring myself to say the words, the feeling of desire multiplying drastically.
"Take your clothes off."
He's taken aback by my request, frowning at me before shrugging and pulling his hoodie over his head. I try not to gawk at him, but it's useless. Toby's body is a work of art, the curves of his muscles shadowing his slightly tanned skin, rippling through his top before he too, pulls it off.
My favourite part of him is his defined back, so when he turns to pull his trousers down, my eyes don't fall from it. I'm ashamed to admit that I feel a twinge of exhilaration between my legs, or that my mouth feels dry when I should be running for the hills. Memories flash before me, my fingertips running down his spine while he pummels into me, feeling his hot breath on the sensitive skin of my neck while I grab at his powerful shoulders.
"I was home-schooled," he continues, knocking me from my daydream. I watch as he walks until he's behind me, his bare chest to my back. I try to control each breath that leaves my lungs, but I'm struggling, facing forward. "I was taken out of seventh grade because no one could handle my... temper."
I feel the warmth of his body pressing against my back, his strong arms wrapping around me, cocooning me while the water washes away our sanity and the dead man's blood. My mind is a million miles away, yet it's clearer than ever as I lace my fingers in his. I've not had this in a while, the butterflies going wild. "Keep going."
I know enjoying this moment is wrong.
I know enjoying Toby's body protecting mine is wrong.
But, as wrong as it should feel, and how insane I must be for wanting him to keep his body attached to mine, I push aside those thoughts while I enjoy this, before it's ripped away from me, before reality settles back in and I need to accept that this... is wrong.
"I have a sister. She was sent away to stay with my grandparents when things got bad, she only came back when my dad died."
I inwardly wince, tightening my hold on his hand. "How did he die?"
He drops his head, so his nose buries into the crook of my neck, making me shiver under the hot water. "He hung himself."
I release his hands and turn in his arms, wrapping my body around his, telling him that I'm sorry about his father. We stay this way for God knows how long, Toby explaining that he did have a good childhood, but his dad was unpredictable with his mood swings, always confused and talking to nothing. Finally, he was diagnosed with a bad case of schizophrenia. He took his own life when Toby was sixteen, and his mum remarried a few years ago. Toby hates the guy. He hasn't spoken to his sister in ten years, and he didn't study criminology at all... he has no degree, just a vast amount of knowledge.
His mum owns a medical sales company in Florida and was able to get him a job within Nemours children hospital, believing that he was under control with the new medication he was prescribed. That was until he met me.
Toby holds me close to him, his chin on my head as he explains that he was in control, but he started to feel things that were new to him, and he had no idea how to work with them. He stopped taking all five of his meds so he could go out and drink, to try to be normal with me, but he admits that he felt himself falter.
He struggles to keep going, becoming a little agitated. I look up at him, the droplets of water falling from our faces, my eyes flitting from his to his lips, having an inner battle.
"Don't do something that you're going to regret," he warns me. "You've absolutely no idea how much I'm holding back."
"Then don't. Don't hold back."
I want him to kiss me, because if he doesn't then I need to kiss him, and then I have to admit to myself exactly how much I want him... need him. I watch him bite down on his bottom lip, letting it drag until it's free. He must be having the same feelings as I am, wanting this so badly and trying to not think about the consequences.
I mean, being fucked by the psychopath seems to be my favourite pastime, and it's something I can't deny. Toby knows exactly how my body works, every position and angle to be in when my body reacts to his touch in a certain way, how fast and hard I want it just by the intensity of my nails in his back. He's made it his mission to learn how to drag out each orgasm, making me writhe beneath and above him.
But why is he shaking his head and stepping away from me?
"I can't."
"You can't?" I cover my nakedness, watching him as he rinses off the soap on his body and leaves the shower. He wraps a towel around his waist, silent. "Toby?"
"The last time we were together, you called me Ewan and said you loved me. It's all that I keep hearing, and they mock me, Aria..." He points to his head, tapping at it. "They mock me about you, and I can't stop them."
I'm speechless, watching as he leaves the bathroom without saying another word. I remember that moment, and the image of Ewan above me was so clear that I truly believed it. But if the dickhead didn't drug me then that wouldn't have happened at all.
I follow after him with a large red towel wrapped around me, stopping in the doorway of a bedroom while he sets aside clothes for us both. "You need to leave before Justin gets back, he isn't fond of you and I'm not in the mood to bury his body as well."
"You're disgusting."
"And you're still fucking here!" he roars as he turns to me, making me jump back. "You know how bad a person I am and you're still fucking here. Get off your high horse, Aria, and stop acting like—"
Against my better judgement, I launch myself at Toby and crash my lips over his, catching him off guard as he falls back onto the bed, taking me with him. "Raise your voice at me again," I snarl a threat against his mouth as his hands grab at my hips, straddling him. "And I'll make sure you regret it." My lips are on his once more, sighing as he returns the passionate kiss with his hand on the back of my head.
My warning seems to have turned him on, feeling his hard cock pressing against the annoying barrier of the towel. Thankfully, Toby unravels it from me and tosses it aside. My body tingles at the proximity of our bodies, keeping our mouths magnetised as we become one. Every nerve within me is exploding from his touch, his hand keeping a tight grip in my hair while the other is roaming the length of my body, grabbing at my breasts and ass, and my tongue runs along his as I groan into his mouth.
Toby flips us, making me gasp as his hand cups my sex, leaning down and sucking on my nipple harshly just as he shoves two fingers inside of me, causing a strangled whimper to drop from my mouth, arching my back.
Running his tongue up my throat, he curls his fingers as he works against the sensation already building, bursts of breath heating my neck. "You have no idea what regret is, Doctor." He moans as my hand wraps around his cock, pumping him in my palm. "Don't make me show you."
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I had to cut it yet again or it would be too long, don't hate me but you can guess what the majority of the next chapter is, OOPS.
Also, dudes... I'm mega sad that this is nearly over. We have about 4 or 5 chapters left!
I wrote the last few paragraphs for the ending, so it's official... I KNOW THE ENDING.
So, any theories about the end?