Rigid Crow

Like Sunshine

     When the week finishes up, I visit Shō again. I've been living with the Hinatas in Shō's room. Our company has been good for each other. And Shō has been getting better, although the threat of sepsis hasn't fully passed, which is still nerve-wracking. 
"You're living at my house now?" he asks as we start a conversation.
     "Yeah."
     "Like, all the time?"
     "Uh-huh."
     Shō's eyes glow brighter. "Forever?"
     It takes a lot for me not to snatch one of his pillows and whack him upside the head with it. "Not forever, dumbass, I have to move out someday!"
     He nods curtly. "Yep. Forever."
"Ugh. Whatever. I'm not going back home, if that's what you're asking."
His eyes glitter. "Oh, boy, so you're part of the family now! Looks like you have to call me Onii-san now. Or Aniki. Whichever suits you."
"Like hell!"
He giggles. "Just kidding. Though, Natsu will seriously do it for you."
"I mean, she already uses a brother honorific. It wouldn't be much different."
Shō nods. "Fair point." He sighs. "I can't wait to go home."
     "...You sound so sure you will."
     "Because I am."
     "Aren't you scared?"
     "Oh, I'm terrified," he admits. "But I'm hopeful, too, because what else is there to be?"
I smile. "Yeah."
     "So, were your parents mad?"
     "They were ticked. I didn't expect them to actually throw me out."
     "This is better. I'm glad you're with my mom and dad now. They'll be much better for you."
     "Ah!" I gasp as a strong pang hits my upper abdomen. The pain's been on and off almost all week, but I haven't thought much of it. It's just the stress.
     "Are you okay?"
     I nod, gritting my teeth through the ache.
     "Are you sure?"
     I nod again. "Fine, I'm fine."
     "Your stomach's bothering you."
     "Not really."
     "Stop lying. Is is the same feeling as when you went off your meds?"
     "...No. It's different."
     "How?" His eyes narrow.
     "It's... worse than just an ache. It's like a gnawing, or a burning feeling. But it's not all the time. It's not that bad. And it's usually been going away once I eat."
     "How long?"
     "Just this past week. Couple days after your fever went down."
     "Tobi. Promise you'll get checked out of it gets worse or keeps up?"
     "Sure, sure."
     "I'm serious. You don't always take care of yourself. You worry about me too much."
     "Okay, I will."
"Go eat something, then come back."
"Fine." I stand to leave, but turn back. "Have you been keeping down food?"
He nods. "Yeah, but..." He turns red. "Means I have to use a bedpan sometimes. Pretty embarrassing. But I guess it's still progress."
     "It is. Don't ever be ashamed of anything that comes with getting better."
     His mouth turns up. "Yeah. Okay. Now go downstairs and eat."
     "You paying?"
     He sticks his tongue out. "You wish, bakageyama."
     "Hinata boke."
I was only teasing. He knows Hinata-sama gave me lunch money for a couple occasions such as this if I was at the hospital over a meal period. I go to the cafeteria and buy a bento. I'm glad I listened to Shō. The pain does fade once I have something to eat.
I return to his room when I'm done. He's fast asleep. I laugh quietly to myself. With nothing better to do, I decide to stay and do my homework.
     A half hour later, Shō starts to make a bit of noise. He whimpers softly in his sleep. He's trembling. "Hey..." I reach out and touch his arm, but he flinches away, his eyes flying open. "You okay?"
     He tenses, panicked, heaving uneven breaths.
     I drop my books and take his hands. "I'm here. Nothing's going to hurt you, okay? Shō, can you hear me?"
     He mumbles something nearly incoherent in response. Something that sounded like "die".
     "Hey, hey, you're not gonna die, hear me? I promise. I know you're scared. Just look at me. Breath with me, yeah? In, out. Just like that." When he starts to follow, I begin to talk to try and draw him out of the attack. "Let me tell you about practice yesterday. Kinoshita has a great float serve down..."
     I drone on until his muscles slack and he breaks down into tears. I draw him into my arms. I hate it when he cries. "It's okay. You're okay."
     He takes a few shuddering breaths, pulls away, and nods to tell me that it's fully over.
     "Do you wanna talk about it? It's been a little while since you've had one of those, hasn't it?"
     He sniffles and takes his computer into his lap. "No. I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to know. To worry more than you are."
     "What? Shō, how often?"
     "I haven't had a trigger while I've been awake since the day I talked to you after I tried to... to kill myself. Since them, I have one about every other day after nightmares. They're always flashbacks. I just can't get over it. I'm so scared that even if I do recover, even if I can play volleyball again," he glances up at me with frightened eyes, "what if I enter a gym and I'm back there again? That awful place in my mind that always takes me back to that day. I'm terrified."
     "I'll help you through it."
     He looks back at me, his expression tired. "We won't always be together, Tobi."
     "What are you talking about?"
     "Tobi, I'm going to be a year behind. I can't try and catch up with schoolwork now. You'll graduate before I do. And even if that wasn't the case, even if we both went pro, the chances we'd end up on the same team are extremely low."
     "I know that. But you will always have other friends. If you let them in, they will be the ones to help you. Apart from me, are there any other friends of yours that you've told about these attacks or concerns in detail?"
He shakes his head.
"Consider it. You don't have to be ashamed. Your friends want to help you and see you get better."
He looks straight at me. "Then you have to, too. Not just Suga and Narita. At least find someone in our year who can look out for you. I worry, too, you know."
     "Deal."
     We shake, and a beam so bright crosses his face I'm startled. It's wobbly, the skin around his eyes is still puffy, and he still must feel like crap, but he smiles nonetheless. He hasn't smiled like that since before the accident. "I didn't know you could still smile like that," I all but whisper.
     "Like what?" But he knows. I suppose he just wants to hear me say it, because I bet even he didn't think he could anymore.
     "Like sunshine."