Hours ago, Doctor Shique delivered some mind-numbing news, sending me into a state of panic while Ewan held me in his arms, allowing me to cry into his chest until my tears ran dry. He didn't let go of me, even when I laid down, holding on to him until finally passing out.
He's still here, Gabs and my parents are nowhere to be seen, Ewan's head, rests on the edge of the bed with his palm covering my hand, absentmindedly stroking his thumb over the skin while he sleeps. I've been awake for about twenty minutes, staring at the clock above the bathroom door, wondering what the hell I'm going to do.
A lot of information is whizzing around in my head, some unanswered, driving me fucking crazy with frustration. The lingering effects of the medication that they found in my system still cloud my mind—exhaustion, drowsiness, and confusion.
I have flashes of memories, but they are more like a recollection of a bad dream. I see him... Toby, and my heart twists in my chest at the last look he gave me before leaving me alone to my own, haunting, dark thoughts.
My eyes drop from the clock to Ewan, his face is relaxed, flawlessly blessed with the longest lashes I've ever seen and a jawline that could cut you open. With his sleeves riding up his arms, I can see the dark ink of skulls and roses, Jason's name with roman numerals underneath, and vine patterns swirling around his tense muscles. I know if I slide the material up an inch higher, I'll see my name.
You'd think after ten years I would be used to seeing him this way, but I'm not afraid to admit that I do, and always have felt strongly about this dickhead. It's unfortunate that we don't work, I tried to get past the betrayal all those years ago, but paranoia and resentment just ate away at me until I couldn't take it anymore.
And now I'm pregnant, and it's breaking my heart that he isn't my child's father. I always thought that we'd get past the hurdle, we could really be that couple who surpassed the test of true love. But I guess that shit only happens in fairy tales.
Let's face it, my life is far from a fucking fairy tale.
Releasing my hand from Ewan's, I lean over and grab my phone, keeping my eye on him as I turn it on and wait for my notifications to stop. Of course, there are messages from Toby, and a few missed calls.
Whiplash: Where are you?
Whiplash: Seriously, Aria... where the fuck are you? I'm sorry I got mad; I can explain. Just answer my call or message me back.
I scroll down to the last message, my nostrils flaring with rage, but my eyes are also welling up because I'm an emotional bitch who can't seem to turn her feelings off.
Whiplash: I need to know that you're okay, Aria. I want to explain, or at least try to, please answer me.
I take a deep breath, my eyes dropping to Ewan momentarily, feeling my anger building as my fingers tap away on the keyboard at lightning speed.
Me: You have a lot to fucking explain. Do you know where I am? You probably do because you're some sort of crazy control freak that drugged your now ex-girlfriend for some reason. You're so lucky that you aren't in front of me because I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from hitting you. As soon as I get a clear explanation, and one that doesn't involve me losing my medical badge for being an apparent drug abuser, I want you out of my life—for good. Got it?
I turn off my screen, trying to regulate my breathing before I wake Ewan up. Keeping my eyes on the clock once more. I follow the hand twirling around each number, my heart rate slowing down. Nerves are eating away at me, for probably the wrong reasons too.
I've seen lots of movies and shows where the girl loves two guys, I never understood how it's even possible until now. The feelings I have are different for them both though. I'm not sure how or why, but the love I feel for Toby is nothing like the way I've always felt for Ewan.
If the time comes and I admit to Ewan how I truly feel, that I love him and always have, it will be the day I fully forgive him, ready to try again with our relationship.
Aria, you need a reality check.
I have fallen for Toby. In such a short space of time and endless stress, I couldn't stop myself from tumbling head over heels with him. If the medication is his, then can he even feel for me the same deep, raw, and overwhelming emotions that I do for him?
The same words play in my mind, the ones Doctor Shique said before leaving me in my turmoil.
Unless you're a schizophrenic psychopath with severe suicidal thoughts, and completely withdrawn from reality, then you should not be taking Clozapine.
I mean, he did say a hell of a lot more, but I'll save my breath for when I hammer Toby with it all. I want to slap him, and myself. I should be afraid of him, but I'm just so fucking mad.
"Hey," Ewan groans, stretching from his slumber and looking around the room then at me. "Have you just woken up?"
I nod and smile, sticking my vibrating phone on silent and settling it on the bedside unit. "You didn't need to stay here with me."
He shrugs, standing, walking to the foot of the hospital bed while he stretches his arms above him. My eyes drag down the length of him, averting my gaze to the wall when he notices. "I don't mind. Jason's staying at your parent's place for a few days anyway."
"I'm surprised they even showed up," I say, rolling my eyes and tucking my hair behind my ear. I look at him, chewing down on my bottom lip as I see how deflated he is. "Thank you."
"What for?"
I raise a shoulder, fighting back yet another flood of tears. "I... I just don't know why you're still here."
"I already told you, I don't mind," he replies, pulling his hat on to control his wavy brown hair.
I shake my head, causing him to frown at me with his face full of confusion. "I mean with everything. We split for good two years ago and you're still helping me, putting up with me running to you then slinging you aside when we cross that boundary, why?"
"Why do we always cross the boundary?"
I scowl at him for his selective hearing. "No, why do you allow me to run to you whenever I need you?"
Sitting on the chair closest to the bed, he leans his elbows on the edge, running the pad of his thumb along his bottom lip a few times while he thinks. "Look, I've been in love with you for years and nothing I do, or you do, will ever change that." I stay silent, my eyes searching his face, wanting him to continue. "I made some really, really bad mistakes when we were younger, and I need to live with that. But if you need me? Of course, I'm going to be there for you." He grabs my hand, cupping one of mine between two of his. "I know all of this is pretty fucked, and I know you're scared... but no matter what, Aria, I'm with you the entire way."
I smile at him as a tear falls down my cheek. "You've wasted so much time trying with me, Ewan. I appreciate it, but I refuse to drag you into all of this with me. You and Jason deserve to go and find someone that isn't some stupid fud like me."
"Fud," he repeats with a chuckle, throwing his head back and my eyes drop to the top of his chest tattoo poking up from his collar. "Aria Miller referring to herself as a pussy is new."
"Shut up!" I slap his arm with my free hand, both of us laughing. "You know what I mean. All this time you're spending with me and knowing we aren't fixable; you could be out finding someone else. Especially now, I'm going to be the last person you'll want to be around."
"Everything you did for me and Jason, what kind of man would I be to leave you to do this yourself?"
"It's not a favour for a favour, Ewan. I wanted to help you with Jason because he's a part of you," I reply. "I don't even have a clue what's going on in my own life, so it would be wrong of me to drag someone else into it too." I pull away from his hold on my hand, leaning forward to hug my knees. "I'm just a lost cause now. Jason and you deserve better."
"If you ever speak about yourself like that again, I'll hunt that bastard down myself and hang him from a bridge." I huff at his threat, and he stands abruptly. "He's lucky I'm not out hunting him down right now, the little fucking prick. What kind of man is he to do this to his own girlfriend?"
"He's sick," I reply, and he scoffs, pacing the floor.
"I want to kill him, Aria." He freezes his steps, looking up at me. "Do they know how far along you are?"
"I have an ultrasound later, why?" I ask, watching him have some inner battle with himself.
"We slept together before you went to Florida, could the baby be mine? You'd be, like... thirteen weeks?" My heart breaks, seeing how hopeful he is, watching him drop to the chair as I say no. "Fuck." He drags out the word, his head in his hands. "I want to fucking destroy him so badly, Aria."
Hearing a knock at the door, we both snap our heads in the direction of it cracking open, a nurse popping her head in with her obs machine. I turn to Ewan, giving him a tight smile as I note how angry he's getting with the subject. "You should go. Get a night of proper sleep and message me when you're awake."
"Okay," he responds, standing and pulling on his jacket and shoes, shocking me as he leans down and places a soft kiss on my temple. Tingles run up my arms and my neck at the contact, and I do my best not to show it affected me.
The nurse gives me a massive grin, plugging in her machine and noting down her observations. "The psychiatrist is doing a home visit instead; the doctor will arrange it with you after your ultrasound."
She does all her nursey stuff then leaves me in peace, and the silence in the room is blissful. I can close my eyes and only hear my own breathing, my own heartbeat thumping in my ears, even the clock seems louder.
I pull out my phone from under the pillow.
Whiplash: Ten missed calls.
Whiplash: I have a plan, come and meet me at the underground footpath next to your house. Don't be mad at me, everything I'm doing is for you. You'll understand when I explain.
Whiplash: I love you.
Me: I hate you.
I'm not lying, this wanker has most likely made me lose my job, assigned me to a psychiatrist to ask me questions. Now everyone around me thinks I'm this junked-up doctor who shouldn't be allowed near children. I have no idea how to prove my innocence in all of this, but no matter what, I will never stop trying to.
I have a plan.
"Oh my God, Aria!" I jump out of my skin as Gabriella blows through my doorway with my work laptop to hand. "Look," she continues, settling it on my lap. I scan the words on the screen, my eyes widen at the contents. "You did it. Ivy got accepted into the trials, thanks to you! She flies out to Denmark on Wednesday, but because of everything going on they've allocated your assistant Margaret to go with her. But Aria... she got in!"
"Gabriella," I begin, choking on my words. I'm in shock, to be honest, I didn't think they'd accept her, but with extensive research and working my arse off, I put up a good enough fight to get her accepted, and by the looks of the plan, she has a high chance of a better quality of life...some sort of normality. "Fucking hell."
We both cry tears of joy, laughing in delight at the incredible news. I reread the last part, congratulating me, Doctor Miller, for putting my whole heart into this.
"See, this is who you are, this is why you need to fight against everything that's going on in your head and in reality. There are loads of children just like Ivy that need someone to fight for them, and you are one of the few who goes above and beyond. But look, it worked! and you have an email from her mum too, thanking you a thousand times."
My chest swells, the feeling of pure satisfaction, the reason I love my job. I look at my best friend, the joy in her eyes and the way she is proud of me is everything a person can ever hope for. It's not often you come across an individual who cheers you on, cries with you for your successes. She's not just my best friend, she's like my big sister and I love her.
"Can you come to the ultrasound with me?"
She snorts, closing my laptop. "I was coming anyway."
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