A/N: The wave of updates continues this week (as long as I don't get sick)! We're now in a "November rush"!
LORELEI
"LOKI DEAR, bakit ka kasi nagpapalipas ng gutom?
Loki slouched on the couch as he was eating the burger that I bought for him from the fast food resto. He gave us a mini-heart attack when we found him lying unconscious on the floor. Namumutla pa siya at mukhang nanghihina kanina. For a moment, I thought that someone sneaked inside our unit and attacked him. Nakabukas kasi ang pinto pagdating namin dito.
Thankfully we didn't have to worry at all. Mabilis na chineck ni Alistair ang katawan ni Loki para sa kahit anong injury, but he found none. So either Loki decided to sleep on the floor or he passed out. Iniupo namin siya sa couch at doon siya ginising hanggang sa manumbalik ang kanyang kamalayan.
Please don't make me worry like that.
"Heto, uminom ka muna ng hot choco," alok ni Jamie sa kanya. I was supposed to be one making that drink, but Jamie insisted to do it. Gusto niya raw ipadama kay Loki kung gaano siya ka-concern at kung gaano siya ka-ready na alagaan siya. Sure, fine. Wala namang problema sa akin kaya hinayaan ko na.
Loki held the cup with both of his hands, blew the steam off, and slowly sipped from it. Dinig pa namin ang paghigop niya sa mainit na tsokolate. Jamie watched him closely, checking if he's gonna like it. Wala naman itong reaksyon kaya nakahinga siya nang maluwag. Well, it's just chocolate. Unless may inihalo siyang gayuma roon. Seeing the color return to his face gave me relief.
I can't help but notice the black shirt and pajama that Loki was wearing. Sa pagkakatanda ko, iba ang kulay ng damit na suot niya bago ako umalis kanina. His clothes right now gave me a glimpse of what he's feeling. He may not have attended Maggie's burial, but he shared the grief with us. Apat na kami ngayong nakakulay itim sa unit namin.
We watched him as he slowly finished his burger and his choco. Naging mabagal ang kanyang pagnguya at pag-inom. Binantayan talaga namin siya dahil baka tumigil na naman siya sa pagkain at bumalik sa kanyang kuwarto na kaunti lang ang laman ng tiyan. We don't want him to suffer another episode of losing consciousness due to starvation.
"Huwag mo na kaming papakabahin ng gano'n, ha?" sabi ni Jamie sa kanya. "'Di mo ba alam na halos malaglag ang puso ko nang makita ka naming walang malay riyan sa sahig? Today was already a sad day. Huwag na sanang magdagdagan pa."
Nagpapasalamat ako't hindi namin siya kinailangang dalhin sa ospital.
"I know that you aren't feeling well yet, but you must not forget to take care of yourself," Alistair reminded him. Kung ako ang magsasabi no'n, baka sermon ang dating sa kanya. "Lori's been telling us na hindi ka on time kumain tapos minsan hindi ka talaga kumakain. That's not a healthy eating habit."
"You know what? Maggie wouldn't like that," Jamie added. "Ayaw niyang makitang pinababayaan mo ang sarili mo."
Loki crumpled up the burger wrapper in his hand, fist clenching tightly. I gave Jamie a quick glance and she returned a face that told me, "Uh-oh. I messed that up, didn't I?" She flashed an awkward smile, showing us her teeth. She must have realized that she shouldn't have said those words. Or at least, mention Maggie's name at this time.
"How are you feeling?" tanong ko para ma-break ang awkwardness sa living room namin.
He only gave me a thumbs-up, which was far from reliable. He's not okay. He's not feeling okay. But he wanted to pretend that he was. Joke's on him because I'm not buying it. Kitang-kita sa itsura niya ngayon kung ano talaga ang pakiramdam niya. Nangangayayat na nga siya, tapos halata pang matindi ang pinagdaanan niya sa lalim ng kanyang eyebags.
"If you want to talk about it, we're here to listen." Alistair leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and putting his hands together. "Baka mas makatulong sa 'yo kung ise-share mo kung anuman ang nararamdaman mo sa mga kaibigan mo. Sa amin. Pero hindi ka namin pipilitin. Kapag lang feel mong mag-share o kapag ready ka na."
"We're here for you," I assured him in a soothing tone. 'Yon ang gusto kong sabihin sa kanya. 'Yon din ang gusto kong ipadama sa kanya. Na hindi siya nag-iisa. Na hindi niya kailangang solo-hin kung anuman ang nararamdaman niya. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't feeling comfortable to tell us anything. After all, he's the Loki Mendez. Dealing with his emotions may not be that easy for him.
All we could do is wait for him to be comfortable with sharing whatever he's feeling right now. If he doesn't want to, that's perfectly fine. Sabi nga ni Alistair, walang pilitan.
"Basta nandito lang kami, ha?" Inakbayan siya ni Jamie at inilapit ang kanyang mukha. "You're not alone. We will get through this. Together."
Loki's eyes only looked down as his right hand crumpling the burger wrapper loosened its grip. Muli siyang uminom ng hot choco. Pinanood namin siya habang ninanamnam niya ang kanyang hot drink. That's all we could do at the moment.
But then something happened.
"I think I failed her."
We watched Loki intently as he began to speak. That was a welcome development. He's opening up. Nakatulala ang kanyang mga mata sa sahig habang hawak-hawak pa rin ng dalawang kamay ang baso.
"Ah, darn it," he spat. "My emotional stability is fluctuating, I can't control what goes in my mind and goes out of my mouth."
"That's okay!" Jamie started caressing his back, inching her face closer to his. "Just say whatever you want. Kahit no filter pa 'yan. Kung gusto mong magmura, sige. Magmura ka lang. Kung gusto mong sumigaw, sige lang din. Kaso baka marinig ng tenants sa katabi n'yong units. Basta nandito kami para makinig sa 'yo."
Silence ensued in the living room as we waited for him to continue. This must be so hard for him. But I was somewhat glad that he was kinda loosening up. Mas makatutulong sa kanya ang pagse-share.
"You know that I'm good at lip reading, don't you?" Loki asked, raising his eyes at us. He then turned to me. "You may not have noticed this since you closed your eyes as Maggie was taking her last breaths. But she tried to say something. Her lips moved, but no voice came out. Promise me, Loki... It wasn't complete, but I knew what she meant."
Muli na namang kumuyom ang mga kamao niya. Lalo pang hinaplos ni Jamie ang kanyang likod.
Looking at Maggie back then was too painful, I had to close my eyes. All I heard was Loki trying to wake her up, hoping that was a prank. I didn't get to see what she mouthed at him.
Promise me, Loki... That must have hit him so hard.
"Death will come to us all. That is inevitable. It's only a matter of when," he went on. "Any of us could die at any moment—sometimes in ways that we don't expect. My point is, when it does happen, will we feel comfortable or will we feel some regret? Have we accomplished what we ought to accomplish? Have we achieved what we believed we deserve?"
Muling natahimik sa aming sala, tila pinagninilay-nilayan ng bawat isa sa amin ang kanyang sinabi. If there's one thing I don't wish to happen, it's living my life with regrets and also dying with regrets. Wala na sigurong mas masaklap pa sa pagkamatay nang may kulang sa naging buhay natin.
"Maggie lost Rhea early this year," Loki uttered each word with a pause in between. "Months later, we're still seeking justice for her death. Playing this complicated game with M and his minions. Putting together the pieces of the puzzle in every turn. We're this close, but we're not there yet. Then... Maggie died. She passed away without seeing that justice. Isn't that tragic?"
It is. Definitely. It's like dying without knowing the ending of your favorite book or TV series.
"So when she told me to promise her, I realized how much I failed her... and our friend." Loki bowed his head, letting out a long sigh. "I promised her months ago to bring Rhea's murderer to justice, but until now, I haven't fulfilled that promise. Just a few days ago, she had to remind me in her dying moment. Because I failed."
"You didn't fail!" I told him. No, I wasn't trying to lie to make him feel good. I was telling him the truth. "Nahuli natin si Bastien na siyang nag-claim na pumatay kay Rhea. He may not have been punished by the law because he decided to take his own life, but that doesn't mean you failed."
Lumingon sa akin si Loki. "Bastien was only a brush used to paint Rhea's murder. The artist behind that bloody artwork is still out there. Until he's brought to justice, I cannot confidently declare that I have succeeded. That's why I feel like a failure right now."
"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself!" Jamie said in a cheerful tone. "Huwag mong i-take negatively ang sinabi sa 'yo ni Maggie. She might not have meant those words the way you interpreted them. She's not trying to remind you that you failed. She's telling you that she believes in you! She wants you to continue the fight!"
"That's right." Alistair nodded. "She entrusted you her one last wish. Her dying wish. She wants you to fulfill it even after she's gone. She believes that you can and you will."
Loki squinted his eyes. "If you're offering me another interpretation of her last words to cheer me up, it's not gonna work—"
"We're not here to cheer you up," I cut his words short. "We're here to wake you up from that nightmare you've been wallowing into. Mourn for now. Shed some tears. But you have to get back on your feet. We all have to. If you want to make Maggie happy, then grant her wish."
Loki stared at me for a moment before cutting his gaze away from me. Sana'y mahimasmasan na siya kahit paano. But I hope I didn't sound insensitive. That's the last thing I wanted to make him feel.
"Kaya magpalakas ka na ulit!" sabi ni Jamie. "Kumain ka nang maayos at sa tamang oras. Matulog ka na rin nang mahimbing. We still have some cases to solve, haven't we? Hindi pwedeng kaming tatlo lang ang gagalaw rito!"
She's right. We still have to solve the biggest case so far. The mystery that her brother started—
My eyes slowly widened as I stared blankly at the space in front of me. I looked at the table and saw the folder from the Traffic Management Bureau. Thank God she didn't have a chance yet to take a peek at it. Kung ako ang gumawa ng hot choco ni Loki, baka nagkaroon na siya ng pagkakaroon.
Huminga ako nang maluwag. I almost thought I messed up—
Muli na namang nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Nagawi ang aking tingin sa kanan, sa pader kung saan nakadikit ang spider's web of conspiracy na sinimulan nitong si Loki. Slack-jawed, I stared at the sticky note on the center. The name "Jaime Santiago" could be read from where I sat.
Oh, crap. I forgot about that one. Mabuti't masyado kaming preoccupied sa kalagayan ni Loki kaya hindi pa nababaling doon ang tingin nina Jamie at Alistair. If we had nothing better to discuss, they would have already noticed.
This is my fault. Entirely. I thoughtlessly agreed to Jamie's idea of coming here without thinking if she'd see something in our apartment. I was too focused on holding on to the folder and buying Loki a burger that I kinda forgot about it!
Paano na niyan? Should I run to the web and take that sticky note off as fast as I could? That might look suspicious. Maybe I should distract Jamie before I make any move. Baka pwede ko siyang utusan na kumuha ng tubig o kaya'y ilagay sa sink ang basong pinag-inuman ni Loki. That could give me a few seconds to accomplish the task. How about Alistair? He'd probably notice my strange action, but I bet he wouldn't ask so much.
"Uhm... Lori?"
"Yes, Jamie?" My consciousness snapped back to reality. "Teka, pwede mo bang ilagay roon sa kitchen ang basong pinag-inuman ni Loki? Baka kasi masagi niya tapos mabasag—"
"Why is my brother's name on that web-like thing?"
I was too late. Bakit ba kasi hindi ko agad napansin? I had a chance when she's preparing that drink!
Tumayo si Jamie at lumapit sa spider's web of conspiracy sa pader. Kunot-noo niyang tiningnan ang sticky note na nasa gitna at ang iba pang picture na nandoon: kina Stein, Bastien, Augustus, at Rosetta. She then turned around to face me and jerked her thumb over her shoulder. "Bakit siya kasama roon?"
Come on, Lorelei! Think of an excuse. A believable excuse!
"Remember what you told us about your suspicion that M might be involved in your brother's death?" I replied, trying to maintain a straight face. "I have a random thought that your brother isn't just a victim, but an important piece of the puzzle, if not the most."
"But why is he at the center of the web?" she asked, her eyebrows furrowing deeper. "The last time I went here, picture ni Stein ang nasa gitna. Why change the arrangement?"
I felt Loki's gaze at me. Ako ang naglagay ng sticky note doon kaya wala siyang kaalam-alam. I don't know if he'd already seen it during the few times that he got out of his room, but he hasn't said anything about it yet.
"Loki had nothing to do with it," I said as a disclaimer. "Ako ang naglagay riyan. The reason why I put him at the center is because... I believe we should focus our collective attention on him. Naisip ko na baka siya ang susi sa mystery na 'to. Your brother might be more valuable than what you thought."
I was telling her our realizations before Luthor dropped by and dropped the bomb that Jaime Santiago is the organization's founder. Wala pa akong idea noon na marumi rin pala ang kamay niya, na hindi siya kasing puti gaya ng ipinipinta ng ibang tao sa kanya. It might be the safest explanation to use right now.
"You and Loki dear realized this when?" tanong niya. Lalo pang kumunot ang kanyang noo habang nakatitig sa akin.
Why did she have so many questions? Sana'y wala nang follow-up kapag sinagot ko 'to.
"Recently lang," tugon ko sabay tingin kay Loki. I was thankful that he's not in the mood to join the discussion. I could make whatever excuse I could think of without being sabotaged by him.
"And you didn't tell me about this?" she asked, her voice had a tone of disappointment.
"Hindi rin namin sinabihan si Alistair." I turned to my childhood friend who looked less confused. "Only Loki and I knew about it."
Sandaling nagkaroon ng katahimikan sa sala. Nakapamewang na paikot-ikot si Jamie sa harapan ng web. Sinusundan ko naman siya ng tingin. Masama ang kutob ko sa susunod niyang sasabihin.
"Here we go again." Huminto si Jamie nang nakatingin sa akin. "I thought we wouldn't be having this conversation again dahil nagkaintindihan na tayo noon. Una, 'yong tungkol sa successor. Tapos 'yong tungkol sa charade n'yo. Ngayon heto namang sa kuya ko. 'Di ba tropa tayo rito? Bakit parang nafi-feel ko na may invisible wall pa rin sa pagitan natin?"
Because your brother was the one who started all this mess! I wanted to tell her, but I couldn't. I shouldn't. Not yet.
"Gaya noon, wala kaming balak na itago sa 'yo o kay Alistair," depensa ko. "Nataon lang na—"
"—maraming ganap last week kaya nakalimutan n'yo?" Jamie cut me off. I could feel her annoyance. She slightly raised her tone. "Ganyan din ang excuse n'yo dati. 'There's so much going on, we didn't have time to discuss it' na naman ba?"
"There must be a reason why they didn't mention it to us," Alistair said, glancing at me and Loki. "Wala naman siguro silang unreasonable justification kung bakit hindi muna sinasabi sa atin. Tama ba ako?"
Tumango ako. "Gaya ng sinabi ko kanina, random thought ko lang 'yon. It's not a real theory that has a solid basis. Kapag may nakita na akong bagay na magpapatibay sa hinala ko, doon na namin sasabihin sa inyo. Ayaw kong sayangin ang oras n'yo sa isang bagay na dala ng isang random thought."
Pahirap nang pahirap ang pagsisinungaling ko. But I had to keep on defending it. I couldn't show Jamie what cards we've been keeping close to our chest. I trust her, but not in the matters related to her brother. Kinda contradicting, huh? But that's the way it is.
"Iba naman kasi ito compared sa dati, Al. This is about my brother. My late beloved brother," sabi ni Jamie bago siya humarap sa akin. "If you have a random thought about what might have happened to him or why he was allegedly killed by M, you should have shared it with me. I can give you my insights for free! Baka nga makatulong pa ako para tumayo ang theory mo. But you didn't. O baka naman may iba pang dahilan kung bakit 'di mo sinabi sa akin?"
"There is no other reason why I would not share—"
Biglang natawa si Jamie, nag-echo ang kanyang halakhak sa aming kuwarto. When she calmed down, muli siyang humarap sa akin. "You know what I've realized just now? You can't spell Lorelei without l-i-e. You're lying, Lori. I can clearly tell by how you speak. Sa tagal kong nag-perform sa theater, alam ko kung taos sa puso, scripted o kasinungalingan ang sinasabi ng isang tao. Don't underestimate me."
"I'm not underestimating you nor am I lying to you," tugon ko. "Ang gusto ko lang ay—"
"I'm offended. Very offended," pailing-iling na sabi niya. There's no denying that disappointment was painted across her face. "I'm telling you everything I know. I'm risking my life for you. Then this is what I get?"
"Jamie—"
Kinuha niya ang kanyang bag sa gilid ng couch at isinakbit sa kanyang balikat. "Call me a dramaqueen all you want. But this is just unacceptable to me."
Dumiretso na siyang lumabas ng aming unit nang hindi na lumilingon o nagpapaalam sa amin. Iniwan pa nga niyang bukas ang pinto.
"Let me try to talk to her." Tumayo na rin si Alistair na napabuntong-hininga. I hope he wasn't feeling the same as her. "Ihahatid ko rin siya sa kanila. Nabanggit niya kanina na ayaw niyang mag-commute, 'di ba?"
Inihatid ko siya sa may pintuan. Bago pa siya makahabang palayo, may huling hirit ako sa kanya. "Al, about me not telling you—"
"You don't have to explain to me," he said, smiling. "I totally understand. You do things for a reason. And I respect your decision in this situation. Just take care, you two. See you tomorrow."
I shut the door and slapped my palms on my face. I had no one to blame but myself. I should have been more careful.
q.e.d.
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