"I mean...where do I start?"
in which your secret life is exposed to the one person you hid it from the most...
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"mia baby listen to mommy please, come on put on your shoes," I asked her, she giggled nodding her head as she slid on her uggs.
"Okay mommy I ready!" she cheered as I smiled at my beautiful baby. a blessing in my life that keeps me going.
Mia is Chris's daughter. I found out after we broke up.
Chris and I parted ways when I found out he had been sleeping around my cousin. I mean it was obvious but I was so caught up in being "in love" I didn't realize he wasn't good for me until it was too late. I had loved him so hard..past all the bullshit till it broke me.
The history between us is very interesting, I cherish what we had...the good and the bad. The longest relationship I've ever been in and I can never bring myself to say I regret it. I live, I learned, and I loved to the point where I can sleep knowing those things that drew us apart were not of my own doing.
he just lost interest.
All the bullshit we went through.
it was always together.
I regret believing the lies and constant excuses...times he'd come home with god knows how many hickeys and smelt of another girl's perfume.
It was his lifestyle before we met and he somehow picked it back up. I was blind to it for a while but then shit started to click. That dummy energy I let off started to subside into anger, I was finally fed up.
The constant coming home at all hours of the night and the times he'd take his phone everywhere.
he wouldn't dare to leave it on the couch while he went to use the bathroom, to the kitchen, everywhere. sitting at a table it was always face down, he had changed the passcode after his second time cheating..took my fingerprint off, and everything.
one time when he was asleep, someone had called his phone three times back to back and I had answered it. It was some girl calling to tell him "last night was amazing..call me" with her number attached.
I had never felt that much rage in my life.
I just sat there and stared at his sleeping body for a second. Imagining his muffled screams as I suffocated him with the white pillow on the bed...
I had leaped for him, sending several blows to his chest as I straddled his lap. Just taking out everything I had bottle up over the last couple of months. Him begging me to calm down, telling me I was crazy delusional..but he knew what I knew. he'd always flip shit back on me. then he finally got a hold of me getting me to calm down. I remember bursting into tears and he just held me, whisper those sorry ass excuses in my ear and I believed them for the time being...
but the night he came in high with a girl was the night I had had enough.
he showed me he was cheating, no shame, no remorse. he didn't even try to cover it up.
They walked right upstairs and did what they had come to do...in our bedroom. where we lay our heads at, where my man was supposed to be making love to me.
I packed my stuff and stayed with my mom..and I never looked back.
That's when I found out I was pregnant with Mia. I was heartbroken trying to figure out how mia would feel growing up without her father. me her and my mom in this big house and no one to keep her company her age unless her cousins where to come and visit.
Those nights were the worst of them all..replaying those last few moments in my head. crying because I felt as if I wasn't enough. Beating myself up for the reason my boyfriend couldn't love me. I felt like I was going to die...I was debating on whether I should keep mia. I wasn't in any good condition to take care of myself..how would I care for a whole baby?
I felt unwanted alone..something no one should ever have to feel.
There were times I'd cry myself to sleep feeling my baby's pain when she'd ask "why don't I have a daddy like the other kids?". It broke my heart knowing my daughter thought she wasn't good enough to have a father. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, she helped me cope with my depression and brought me so much joy after she was born .. my little miracle. just when I thought I was going to lose myself...
Mia was my sign that there was hope for me...that I was going to be okay.
She's four now and still doesn't have any knowledge of who Chris is. He's asked around for me but I've asked people, for me and my child's privacy to not giving out any information. He has no idea about mia either. I try to keep him out of her life, it would be a bit too late now anyway. I wouldn't put my daughter through that...
although I've heard people have been running their mouths about her to him...he may possibly already know.
She doesn't ask about him much anymore and when she does I just tell her whatever gets the convo to end faster.
"he'll be back soon baby, be patient."
"daddy's on vacation.."
"I don't know baby.. mommy doesn't know."
She's super smart for her age though. I'm sure I won't be able to beat around the bush forever, I just hope she isn't too mad when I tell her.
We're about to head to my mom's to have dinner. I work as a doctor and my salary is very supplying which allows me to properly take care of mia and give her the things she needs.
"Okay baby goes upstairs and brush your teeth again I forgot you ate candy," I mumble straightening out her shirt as she skips upstairs.
I walk over to my purse making sure I got everything as there's a knock at my door.
"Weird..." I mumble going to answer it as the knocks continue, beginning to annoy me.
"Coming!" I yell as I swing the door open.
my body tenses up as I freeze seeing who stands before me.
who told him where I lived?
The person who I once knew as the love of my life stared at me lost...
"C-Chris?" I choked out trying to regain focus.
"y/n...h-hi how are you?" he asked smiling lightly as beats of sweat formed on his forehead.
I shivered as flashbacks of us came rushing through my memory.
his smile was one of my weaknesses.
I cleared my throat shaking my head vigorously.
"Uh ..y-you should leave. I don't know how you found out where I live anyway," I mumbled trying to close the door only for him to stop it.
"y/n please, I just wanna talk ..h-hear me out." he pleaded, I look away stepping back so he could come in.
"Chris this has to be quick now is not a good time, I'm late for something." I panicked hoping Mia would take long to brush her teeth. I'm not ready for them to meet.
He stared at me a hurt expression built into his face.
it didn't faze me.. he's hurt me for years, not just me but my daughter.
"baby-"
"It's y/n." I corrected him sternly clearing my throat once more. I felt a burning sensation rise within my chest and throat. I was trying to prevent myself from crying. I couldn't seem so weak, I wanted him to see that I had made it with or without him.
being around him and looking into those light brown eyes that use to melt my soul... I held so much hate for what he put me through, sleepless nights crying wondering when he'd change..come home to me and just- love me, but no ...just him and his hoes.
"I mean...where do I start? I'm sorry, I know that this will never make up for what I've put you through but man I -... I can't even begin to imagine how you feel right now seeing me for the first time in years. I feel stupid if anything, I've heard so many things- good things about you. You bossed up for real, following all the dreams you'd vent to me about while we were together...I'm proud of you. I am, and I know the last thing you'd want to see was me on a Sunday but I-I've been searching for you for so long now. Asking high and low about how you were, where you stayed, and what you looked like. You still as beautiful as I remember...and even more beautiful if possible..." he smiles weakly as I lower my head, rubbing the side of my arm.
"I really gave up on us...I gave up on you. The future we could have had. Everything and I just-I blew it. Man it took me a whole week to process you leaving me before I actually reacted...went to the liquor store and emptied the shelves. Drowning myself in Hennessey and weed. My mind was fucked up..I-I damn near overdosed on perks...I-I needed you man. And you...and you weren't there cause I pushed you away. The bitch you caught me with stole about twenty grand worth of shit from my crib... My cousin passed and I was in and out of rehab. My life just turned into pure hell..."
"Till this day I lay in that bed every night just- starring at your spot. Wishing...hoping you would be laying there- and when I close my eyes you're there. When I open them...y-your gone again and it hurts...it h-hurts. T-To know you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I treated you the way I did...I'll never forgive myself for that. I can still hear your cries from those nights in the bathroom when I'd come home after fucking around and brush you off like I ain't even care that I was hurting you. Mama ain't f-fucking raise me like that...neither did my pops. I was being selfish...when all I ever need was right at home, waiting up for me every night...t-to make sure I was straight. While I was out...doin Lil boy shit. Y/n I-I need you man...s-shits been so hard without you to hold me..."
He ranted as tears fell down his face and he began to sob. That was it for me... I was crying, feeling weak that I felt sorrow for the man who caused me so much pain...but also the man I once loved more than I loved myself.
"C-Chris please. you can't be loud..i-i have company." I sniffled my arms crossed.
He rose his head a little, attempting to wipe the tears that flowed, "c-company?"
Going to answer him, I stop- jumping when I hear mia call me. "mommy I can't reach the toot pase!" she yelled as I grabbed Chris's arm
leading him toward the door.
"you need to go," I mutter sternly but he moves my arms walking past me.
"no Chris, stop-"
"y/n cut it out man!"
I run to him grabbing his jacket but... it was too late.
Mia stood there at the last step staring sheepishly at Chris who seems to be hypnotized.
His mouth parting slightly as I sigh shaking a little.
they locked eyes, never losing focus.
Mia stared at Chris intensively as she slowly made her way towards me never taking hers off him, and he never took his eyes off her.
He admired her as she played with her fingers as if her features were coming to him in realization. I squat down to her level smiling weakly as I see tears in the brim of her eyes.
"mommy..is that my daddy?" she whispered as I grab her little hand in mine rubbing it gently. I nodded hesitantly as she blinks a few tears down her face.
"why don't you go say hi?" I say softly as she nodded turning around slowly.
She walked over to Chris as his 6 foot figure towered her 3 foot frame. he looked at me for reassurance as I nodded, getting down to her level grabbing her hand.
she smiled as he did the same, I gulp seeing how similar their smiles where. I never denied the fact that Mia resembled chris more than her me. Chris eyes filling with even more tears as he fix her shirt, Mia running her tiny hand under his eyes to wipe a stray tear. She then goes to wrap her arms around his neck tightly, chris slowly embracing her in a warm hug, tears falling down his face.
They held each other for a minute before letting go and giggling in sync. My heart skipped a beat as I watched them, they look so fascinated with one another's presence. They were the same person. When you saw mia there was no doubt she was her father's child. Along with the energetic personality she had...it was chris all over again.
"Hi pretty girl...I-I'm your daddy," he whispered caressing her cheek as she sniffled.
"I know that now daddy! a-and I love you." she giggled laying her head on his shoulder.
"I love you too mama...daddy's sorry he wasn't here before but he is now..and I-I promise i'm not going anywhere." he smiled rubbing her back.
she lifted up smiling goofly, "pinky promise?" she giggled as chris laughed.
"pinky promise princess." he smiled locking their pinky's together. I sigh feeling a huge wait lift off my shoulders.
Chris swiftly gathering her into his arms as they walked towards me.
I gulped nervously looking down as I felt his finger lift my head. He smiles down at me...I couldn't help but do the same.
"I'd like to talk about this later...I'm hurt but I understand, and I thank you for this." I nodded, knowing he'd want to discuss it all anyways. He had a right to be upset about her being hidden from him, but I was just protecting me and mia's feelings..afraid even if I did speak up that he wouldn't want her.
"Well uh- I should get going, i'ma give you my number so we can set up a schedule for me to come get her-"
"My moms having dinner..would you like to come to spend time with her...get to know your daughter?" I asked hoping he'd say yes. I now realize Mia having her father in her life might not be so bad after all. Chris talked about having kids with me later on in our relationship when we were together but I always thought he may have been joking, but those 10 minutes he spent silently taking in the fact that mia was his brought a smile to my face.
His eyes light up as he spins mia around making her laugh. "last one to the car has to eat rotten eggs!" Mia cheered laughing as chris rushed them out to my car.
I laughed watching them dance around outside as i sigh in content. It might not be what I wanted but...maybe it's what I need.
Our past may have been crazy but, he wanted to be there for Mia...I couldn't put that against him. I walk over, unlocking the car as Chris sits mia in her car seat and hops in beside me.
starting the car as we head to my moms house.
Chris trying to make small talk along the ride only for us to be interrupted.
"yay! daddy's home now we can be one big family!"
mia cheered as i felt the tension in the car thicken.
I didn't dare to look at Chris but he pulled my face to meet his gaze. I forgot just how handsome he was before everything blew up.
"Maybe we can start over- no rush...I'm ready to be what you need, what you and Mia need." he smiled as I clear my throat smiling as well.
I turn my head back to the road as I felt ..somewhat complete.
"glad you decided to come back around."
chris with kids>>
patiently waiting to be baby mama - sorry *wife #1 & mother of his third child. ☺️
how is everyone? trying to be more active before i start my math course- i'm gonna go complete ghost because math is a much harder subject for me in school.
but i'll try to get as many updates in at possible & i see your guys request for what imagines your want to see i'm writing them just bare with me!❤️