August 31.
According to the calendar, it was August 31. That meant that tomorrow, Ginny and I would go to London and board the Hogwarts express to school. We wouldn't be greeted at the feast by Dumbledore this year. No, there would be no Dumbledore speech anymore. No one would tell us to "tuck in" or that the pumpkin tarts were especially good. Dumbledore was dead. He was buried somewhere on the Hogwarts grounds. His body was probably rotting now.
It made my insides churn in disgust.
"Are you okay?" Ginny asked me, snapping me out of my trance. I had been staring at the wall for some time now, thinking about Dumbledore's body.
"What? Oh- yeah...yeah I'm fine." I said, chuckling slightly. Ginny eyed me in a worried manner, clicking her tongue.
"Liz...I can smell you from here. Have- you haven't been drinking again, have you?" Ginny asked nervously.
Truthfully, I had. In the last month, I had finally discovered something that took my mind off of Draco. I had finally been able to stop picturing his grey, steel eyes. I didn't think about the way his calloused hands and cold rings felt against the inside of my hip or how intoxicating his voice sounded when he said my name.
The firewhiskey just made it all a little more bearable.
"I- not much, Ginny. It just...it helps, you know? Everyone's got...their thing. It's not like it's out of hand." I promised her, plastering a grin onto my face.
I was lying to my best friend. I was a 16 year old with a full blown drinking problem. Can you believe? I don't really think anyone could blame me. We were in the midst of a bloody war, for crying out loud. There were worse things that could happen.
Ginny nodded, still looking at me worriedly.
"Are you scared to see him? Malfoy?" She asked, her words piercing through the cloud that the firewhiskey had provided. Why the fuck did she have to do that? Now I was going to have to take a few more swigs to re-instill the cloud. I sighed in exasperation.
"Of course I am, Gin. Last time I even heard his voice I tried to murder him. I can't exactly do that, can I?" I said, looking down at my hands. They had been sore for days after that, but I couldn't get the mental picture out of my mind. Draco, his lips turning blue, his eyes bulging wide. My hands, feeling the bumpy cartilage of his throat, pressing my weight down and squeezing.
Suddenly, I began to feel a little unhinged. Thinking of Draco did that to me. It was like it was changing me from the inside out. The entire summer holidays, I had been feeling as though I was teetering on the brink of sanity. Seeing Draco had tipped the scales.
"No, I suppose not." Ginny said, with a breathless laugh. She stretched out on her bed, giving me one last look.
"Well, get some sleep. I'm sure it would be easier to face Malfoy if you weren't sleep deprived." She said, another giggle slipping from her lips. I nodded, but pushed myself into a standing position. Ginny looked at me in confusion.
"Bathroom." I smiled, and Ginny settled back onto her pillows.
I wasn't lying. I was going to the bathroom. I slipped inside and closed the door, muttering a locking spell. There, in the back of the cabinet, hidden by some bottles, was my remedy. My anesthesia.
I took it out and spun the cap off, bringing it to my lips. After a few sips, I slipped the bottle back into it's hiding place and looked into the mirror.
I looked shattered. My face was gaunt and hollowed out. Last year, I had been so nervous and excited for my first day at Hogwarts. This year, I had no idea who that girl was. The girl staring back in the mirror at me looked vulnerable. Her copper hair hung down to her mid back in messy waves. Her light brown eyes looked frantic and scared, like an animal who had been cornered.
The girl looked young, and terrified. It disgusted me.
Before I could process what I was doing, I had whipped out my wand and pointed it at my hair. With a quick mutter of an incantation, suddenly the ends of my hair were falling onto the floor. Now, my hair only hung to my shoulders.
It wasn't enough. It was never enough.
"Crinus Muto." I whispered, and suddenly it began.
The ends of my hair deepened in color, until it was a stark black. It wicked its way up my hair, as if I had slowly dipped my hair into a bowl of black dye. Finally, there was a slight stinging sensation as the color reached my scalp.
My hair was raven black. It glinted blue in the light. It barely touched my shoulders.
The girl in the mirror smiled wickedly, her eyes wide with malice.
I was not the girl from last year. She died, I was born. Draco Malfoy wasn't the only one who was allowed to completely change overnight.
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"I still cannot believe it." Ginny muttered, grabbing a strand of my hair in her fingers. We were walking quickly on the platform of the Hogwarts Express, trying to get a seat as soon as possible.
Ginny had freaked out the next morning when she awoke next to me. She begged me to dye it back, but I refused.
Remus had stared at me as if I was a stranger. He cleared his throat and told me that he liked it, but the lie in his voice was obvious. Everyone had stared at me as if I was a bomb, about to explode. Maybe I was. Who knew?
"It feels better this way, Ginny. Don't look too much into it, alright?" I begged, as we stepped aboard the train. All around me, students were bustling to their seats. Nervous chatter filled the compartments.
"D'you want to find a compartment? I think Neville said-
"You go on, Ginny. I'm going to find Bonnie and Astoria. I haven't seen them all summer." I said, smiling softly. Ginny nodded in understanding and began to push her way toward the back of the train. I moved, too, looking toward each compartment. I hadn't realized I wasn't looking at where I was going until I bumped into someone - hard.
"Move." a cruel voice came, and I looked up into Draco's eyes.
Shock registered on his face. I saw his eyes move from mine to my hair, which I had straightened completely. He looked at the ends, which brushed the tops of my shoulders. He looked down at my clothes. Finally, his eyes came back to mine, and his mouth fell open in shock.
"Elizabeth." He said, simply. My eyes narrowed.
"It's Clarke. Can you move?" I said, trying desperately to keep my voice under control. My hands flexed, once again remembering the feeling of his neck.
"Your hair-
"Yep. It's different. Excuse me." I said, brushing past him. As I was close to dodging him completely, he leaned toward me. I automatically leaned back, pressing my back into a compartment door.
"I hate it." Draco breathed, his voice sounding steel-like and angry.
"Good. That was the point." I bit back.
Draco looked at me in fury, his eyes narrowing. My heart was galloping a hundred miles an hour, waiting for him to say something. Being this close to him was terrifying, as I kept getting hints of the mint that was on his tongue. I willed myself not to breathe, as I knew it would crumble my resolve.
"You wound me, Clarke. Truly." he said, feigning hurt.
"I hate you." I seethed, my voice coming from my clenched teeth. Draco laughed then, a genuine, mean sounding laugh. He leaned in closer and I twisted my head to the side, breaking our eye contact.
"I hate you more, Clarke. I promise you. Do me a favor, and stay the fuck away from me." Draco whispered into my ear, and a shiver threatened to run down my spine. I stayed still, not trusting my voice for a few seconds. Then, I turned my head slowly to catch his eyes again.
Our noses brushed, and I stifled back a gasp.
"No. Problem." I said slowly, pushing myself off of the wall and whipping past him. In my haste, my shoulder bumped his out of the way, and he stepped back. Finally, I was given room to breathe.
Before he could speak again, I was practically running the length of the traincar, my head whipping back and forth.
I finally caught sight of the familiar sandy colored glossy hair and I sighed in relief.
"Bonnie, Astoria. Hey!" I said, breathlessly. They both looked up at me and gasped in unison.
"Lizzie! Merlin...I love it! It looks so good!" Bonnie said, jumping up to run her fingers over my hair.
"It really does. It suits you." Astoria said, tossing her own dark hair over her shoulder.
"Thanks. I just needed to change. It felt right, at the time. Now...I kind of miss my old hair." I admitted, chuckling as I dropped into the seat next to Astoria. Quickly, both girls began talking about their summer holiday, and I just listened intently. I didn't have a very interesting summer, so I wasn't too keen on talking about it. Astoria showed us the jewelry her mother got her in Paris, and Bonnie talked about the boy she met at her parent's summer house. She swore it was true love. I almost laughed.
As Bonnie was in the middle of describing the Beauxbaton boy's sweater color, the train suddenly began to grind to a halt. I braced my hands against the walls to keep from falling forward, and luggage fell from above us. We heard the shouts of confusion from compartments around us, and we all looked at each other in confusion.
"Please stay in your seats. We will be conducting a security check. Thank you." A silky voice boomed throughout the train. Something about the voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
Before we could question, the sound of compartment doors slamming open filled the train. Bonnie and Astoria cowered away from our door, staring at it. Suddenly, the sound of our door ripping open made all three of us jumped.
There, towering in the doorway, was a Death Eater. I could tell by the way he was dressed and how he held himself. A faint flicker of the dark mark was visible underneath his shirt.
The man was flanked by none other than Draco Malfoy.
Draco looked inside of the cabin, his eyes meeting mine. His face pulled into a scowl.
"Not here." He sneered at the man. The man kept staring at us, and his eyes casually flickered to our luggage.
"Slytherins. Good, good." He murmured, his eyes falling back down onto mine. A brief flicker of recognition flashed over his face, but it was gone before I could really tell.
"Let's keep moving, Rookwood." Draco said, grabbing the man's coat. His face was still scowling, but his eyes looked urgent. I guess that was the look of a boy trying to please his master.
"Yes...I suppose." Rookwood answered. Draco reached around him and slid the door closed, and they were gone.
There was a long pause.
"What...the fuck...was that?" Bonnie said slowly.
"Security check? For what?" Astoria added, glancing out the window nervously.
"Potter, probably." I answered softly. Bonnie pondered this and shrugged her shoulders.
"I hope they find him. I mean, I know he's your friend, Lizzie. I'm not trying to be rude, but once they find him, then everything will be back to normal." Bonnie said, nonchalantly. I stared at her in disbelief.
"You believe that, Bon? You think this is only about Harry, now?" I asked, my voice shocked. Bonnie simply nodded. Before I could respond, the train began to move again. Astoria sighed in relief.
"How about we just not talk about Harry?" Bonnie offered, after a few minutes of silence. I nodded, still not ready to meet her eyes.
------------------------------------------------
Reaching the doors of the castle, there was a certain anxiety that seemed to bounce around the student body. Everyone was in their school robes now, and huddled into groups with their houses. There was a hushed whisper among everyone. We were all waiting for the doors to open and reveal to us what this new Hogwarts was going to be like.
Suddenly, the doors opened. My eyes snapped up to see McGonagall, standing in the entrance way. She didn't smile tightly as she had last year; in fact, she didn't smile at all. She nodded curtly at us all and said "Follow me."
We all walked through the entrance way to the doors of the Great Hall. McGonagall paused, looking at all of us sadly.
"Upon entry, please be seated at your house tables." She said, her voice wavering.
Then, she pushed the doors of the Great Hall open, and it was all we could do not to gasp.
There were no candles floating everywhere, as there usually was. Instead of the flags of each house hanging above their respective tables, there were black flags bearing the Dark Mark above each table. I heard a quiet gasp near me, and glanced over to see Ginny's eyes filled with tears. We all moved slowly toward our tables, which looked sad and empty. I sat between Bonnie and Astoria and continued to stare around the room.
Snape stood up, walking over to the Headmaster's podium. It became apparent, then, that Snape was our new headmaster. I couldn't help the low growl that came out of my chest. The hatred I felt toward this man, Dumbledore's killer, was blinding. He stood at the Headmaster's podium, sat at the Headmaster's seat...the last person to sit and stand there was Albus Dumbledore himself. In the span of a few months, it had been replaced by his murderer.
"Good evening." Snape drawled, looking around the room disdainfully. Everyone waited in silence.
"There have been a few changes to Hogwarts since you have all been away. For those who don't know, I am Professor Snape, your new Headmaster," Snape continued, a twisted smile on his face. "The people behind me are my new Deputy Heads. Professor Amycus Carrow will be in charge of teaching you Dark Arts. Professor Alecto Carrow will be your new Muggle Studies teacher. They are your new disciplinarians. All detentions and school violations will be handled by them." Snape said, motioning to the Carrows.
They stood, smiling evilly. Amycus even bowed to the students in a sarcastic and cruel manner.
"My dad told me about the Carrows. Said not to get on their bad side." Theo whispered from across the table. When I looked over at him, he was slightly grinning.
"Your dad knows them?" I hissed back, confused.
"Oh yeah. Dad's close with them, Snape, a lot of those people. Works out well for me. I don't have to worry about anything." He said, smiling evilly. I rolled my eyes at him before turning my attention back to Snape.
"Furthermore. Your Head Boy and Head Girl also have power to write detentions. This year, those students will be Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson." Snape said, taking a step back to clap. The only table that clapped with him was the Slytherin table. Pansy looked around smugly, while Draco looked bored and unamused.
"Now. Eat." Snape snapped, waving his hand. I turned my attention to the table, my stomach growling in anticipation of the feast.
However, each plate was filled up individually. There were no choices at all. Each student got a helping of red potato bites, a scoop of mushy carrots and a small roasted chicken leg. I pushed the carrots around, looking at Bonnie who was eyeing her plate disdainfully.
"This...is disgusting." Astoria laughed, pushing her plate away from her. I followed suit and saw many other students doing the same thing throughout the Great Hall.
"Honestly, can we go back to the common room? Blaise said we're having a back to school party tonight." Bonnie whispered, hiding her mouth with her hand. My eyebrows shot up.
"Blaise?" I asked, and Bonnie's eyes flickered down the table. The last time I had spoken to Blaise was before Christmas of the previous year, when he had realized my feelings for Draco. I looked down the table and my eyes met Blaise's. I winced, waiting for his reaction. Blaise's mouth pulled up into a small smile, and he mouthed "Hey."
Relief flooded me. It felt nice to at least not be hated by Blaise. Any ally I have is a plus for me. I mouthed it back.
"So the party-
"Just for 5th years and up. It's going to be killer. Blaise said he has a bunch of...juice." Bonnie whispered, wiggling her eyebrows and looking pointedly at a second year, who was listening intently.
I giggled, just as Snape stood up and dismissed us all to our dormitories. When I reached the door to Slytherin, I sighed in relief. I couldn't wait to be back in the common room, soaking it all in. I felt someone shove me, roughly, out of the way and looked up in outrage.
Draco stepped to the front of the group, clearing his throat.
"Pureblood." He said, simply.
The door swung open. Heat from the common room poured over our faces, and we all rushed in. Immediately, Blaise sauntered over to a table and stood on top of it.
"Hey. HEY! Listen up. First years, welcome to Slytherin. Everyone else, welcome back. I'm Blaise. Now...If you aren't a fifth year or older, go up to your dormitories. The big kids want to play." Blaise said, a wicked smile pulling on his face. The younger kids all grumbled, unwilling to move. Blaise's smile fell.
"Seriously. Leave!" He snapped, and the younger students snapped into action. They all scurried out like roaches, leaving just the older students. Blaise waited a moment, then smiled.
"Alright. Booze is on the table in the corner. Help yourself, it's charmed to stay filled so we don't have to worry!" he said, and we all cheered. Someone cast a spell around the room, and it was filled with loud music. Bonnie grabbed Astoria and I and made her way toward the alcohol table.
"I cannot believe Blaise pulled this off!" Bonnie said loudly. I hummed and looked around the room.
He caught my eye before I could stop it. Draco was leaning up against the wall near the corner of the room, watching with tired eyes. His eyes found mine immediately and he stared at me impassively for a moment. I pulled my eyes away from his.
"Won't Malfoy or Pansy rat us out?" I asked Bonnie, who laughed and shook her head.
"No way! They don't care...so long as we don't get caught." Bonnie explained, handing me a cup. I brought it to my face and sniffed, smelling a strong smell that was similar to vodka.
"What is this?" I asked Bonnie.
"It's called 'Ice Storm'. I brought it from home, it's Russian!" She said. I took a large gulp and screwed up my face at the taste. After weeks of firewhiskey, anything else tasted off. Astoria doubled over laughing at me.
"Alright, who's playing truth or dare?" Blaise yelled, and Bonnie squealed.
"Lizzie! Oh, Lizzie, come on, let's play! 'Storia, you too?" She asked, already yanking us over to the circle forming on the ground. I rolled my eyes but allowed her to lead.
We sat down in the circle, and I took another large sip from the cup. This time, it went down very smoothly.
"Theo, you're going first." Blaise said, motioning to him. Theo looked determined.
"Pansy, truth or dare?" he asked, and Pansy wrinkled her pug-like nose in disgust.
"Truth!" she said, shrugging. Theo clicked his tongue, thinking. Then, he said "Is it true you had a crush on Snape 4th year?"
Pansy flushed beet red. Everyone began to laugh as she sputtered.
"I- yes, but- but it wasn't...UGH! Listen to me! He was tutoring me, I saw a different side of him-
We all continued to howl with laughter, and Pansy looked angry.
"Fine. Daphne, truth or dare?" she asked, and Astoria's older sister leaned forward.
"Dare, Pans. You know me." She answered, her gravely voice sounding bored.
"Finish your drink, or make out with Crabbe." Pansy giggled. Daphne looked bored as she grabbed her drink. Crabbe's face fell slightly as she tipped it down her throat and wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. Everyone cheered, Astoria cheering the loudest.
Daphne looked around the room, and her eyes darted toward us. She grinned, tapping her chin. I tried to look down and not make eye contact with her, but it didn't work.
"Lizzie, you're awfully quiet over there. Truth or dare?" Daphne said, and Bonnie cackled.
"Er-...truth, I guess." I said, trying not to sound nervous.
"Is it true you were in love with Draco?" Daphne asked, and suddenly the room was very quiet.
"W-what?" I asked, feeling my throat dry up.
"Were you. In love. With Malfoy?" Daphne said, emphasizing the question. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Draco shift in his corner and stare at me. I glanced at him, only for a short moment. He was staring at me hard, his expression unreadable.
"Yes. I was." I said, emphasizing the past tense. I grabbed my cup and brought it to my lips before she made me elaborate.
Daphne looked pleased and sat back against a chair.
Draco looked murderous.
The game continued, after I dared Astoria to get a makeover from Goyle and Crabbe had to admit feelings to Daphne. It was Bonnie's turn, and she looked at me evilly.
"Don't." I mouthed at her, pleading. I was still recovering from having to admit that I did indeed love Draco at some point. Last time we had talked about it, I was screaming at him that I hadn't.
I shuddered at the memory of that night. The night it all changed.
"Lizzie, truth or dare?" Bonnie slurred, her eyes heavy lidded.
"Dare, Bon." I hiccuped back. That Ice Storm was making its way through my veins, causing me to feel wonderfully light.
"I dare you to kiss Blaise." She said, wiggling her eyebrows.
I froze. Kiss Blaise? No. I couldn't. Right?
I looked at Blaise and he raised one eyebrow at me. Then, he grinned and winked at me.
"C'mon, Clarke. Don't be a pussy." Pansy sneered, picking at her nails. Suddenly, everyone began to chant my name. I felt my body becoming hotter and hotter.
"Lizzie...it's okay." Blaise said, shrugging.
I couldn't help it. My eyes darted over to Draco's corner, where he was still watching. His gaze could have sent even You-Know-Who into hiding. He noticed me looking, and shifted.
He moved his head ever so slightly, and I watched as he shook his head at me. Draco Malfoy was trying to tell me no?
It was all the fuel I needed. I set my jaw in determination and leaned across the circle. My hands locked onto Blaise's face and I pulled him toward me.
Our lips found each other, but I wasn't done. I forced Blaise's lips to move against mine. I wanted Draco to see more than just a peck.
The whistles and hollers behind us spurred me on, and we stayed like that for Merlin knows how long. Finally, I let go and pulled away, our lips breaking apart.
"ENOUGH! Blaise, party's over." Draco's voice bellowed. Everyone paused, looking over to his corner. Even Pansy looked mildly surprised.
"Malfoy, mate, it's fine, have a drink-
"I don't want a fucking drink, Zabini. If you are all hungover tomorrow, Snape'll kill you. Get the fuck out!" He bellowed at the common room, his voice icy. Everyone immediately began to stand up. They all knew not to push Draco in this mood.
As we stood up, we made our way to the dorms. I had to pass in front of Draco, so I set my gaze forward and pretended not to notice him.
As I passed him, I heard his whisper that I will never forget.
"Fuck you." He hissed at me, his voice dangerous and cold.
"Fuck you right back." I whispered nonchalantly, continuing up the stairs to the dorms.
As I stumbled up the stone steps, I only had one thing on my mind.
Blaise tasted like whiskey. Whiskey was fine, it tasted good enough. Mint was better, though. Blaise didn't taste like mint. Blaise tasted like regret.