The tinted glass of the window was basking in the glow from the light outside. The last pleasant days of November were morphing into the deep winter, as deep as Karachi can get. The vibe is different from fall; the orange hue of melancholy isn't infused in the very air we breathe. Instead, the nostalgia is of the kind where you just reminisce back on what it was and give a small smile to it. There're no hard feelings, no longing and no sighs filled with what ifs.
The vibe of November is of acceptance with open arms.
Nusrat Aapa ran her fingers through Safwa's open hair without saying anything. This wasn't her idea for this night but Safwa had questions, questions Nusrat Aapa had never thought she'd ask. But that didn't mean she wasn't prepared. Having spent almost half her life in this house among Kirmanis, she had quite and idea how they worked.
"Won't you ask me why I never told you about this?"
Safwa shook her head.
"I know Phupho. She can be secretive. I know you too as well. You can keep a secret."
Nusrat Aapa just smiled caressing Safwa's head.
"So they were in love, right?"
The hope and childlike anticipation in Safwa's question was endearing.
"Yes, oh yes, they were."
Nusrat Aapa's fingers had slowed down and a nostalgic expression had settled over her face.
"It couldn't be anything but love. So pure and so heartfelt. They started off as friends. Atif was like family to Bisma. She was so used to seeing him around since they were just teenagers and when they started developing feelings for each other it never seemed off, more like it was bound to happen this way only. Their camaraderie was genuine and nothing about it was weird. Issa knew about it too."
The photographs from today came back to Safwa's memory and she could agree with every word Nusrat Aapa was speaking.
"It was after your parents' wedding when they thought of taking things forward. Atif told his Baba Jaan about Bisma. As Hesham has already told you, Baig Sahab, Atif's father wasn't like your grandfather. He was a man of principles who held his family values dear. Atif's mother wasn't much different. They took some time but eventually they accepted the idea of having Bisma around."
Safwa immediately got up.
"They did?"
"Not completely but yes, for a while they did."
"Then?"
"As I've said for Mr and Mrs Baig, their family values were of outmost priorities. Bisma didn't think much of those. She had always been a pampered child. Her father doted on her and after his demise your father did the same just like Bisma did with you. He was more of a father to her than a brother. Bisma had always been given the liberty to live her life on her own terms. And that's where the clash started. The Baigs wanted to mold Bisma into someone who'd fit in their lives and their family. It was subtle at first but then it got pretty evident and Bisma sensed it right away. She tried playing it cool. She was in love with Atif after all but soon it started suffocating her. "
Safwa could imagine this. Bisma wasn't someone to lose herself while pleasing others. It wasn't her. Not in slightest.
"She talked it out with Atif I think. But he'd always been a pretty obedient child to his parents. There wasn't much he could do here. One thing lead to other and before we all knew it, Bisma backed out. She ended it with Atif."
"But..."
"I know it sound anticlimactic but this is what happened. Did Atif fight for her and failed or did he not even fight? I don't know. But Bisma was the one to call it off. She told Issa that there were differences between her and Atif's family she thought weren't easy to work on so it the best in everyone's favour to end it."
Safwa didn't know how to react to this. She was hoping for a sob story of an undying love and how it was crushed by unyielding parents or circumstances but this wasn't it.
"You should ask Bisma about this you know."
Safwa's gaze immediately met Nusrat Aapa's.
"Do it. I was someone who was watching it all unfolding from sides. But she's the one who went through it. I'm sure she will be able to tell you in more depth what did actually happen and how she feels about it. In a way, it will be her chance of talking things out with someone, something she didn't do before. She's still bottling those emotions inside of her. The closure wasn't proper in my opinion."
Nusrat Aapa wanted this for Bisma. That's why she didn't hesitate in telling Safwa what she knew. It was an unspoken pact between her and Bisma that this matter would never be talked out in this house but Nusrat Aapa knew in a way, a part of Bisma was still there, still living that heartache. And no one but Safwa would be able to coax her to talk it out. Safwa had that hold on Bisma anyway. They both were each other's confidants so it was high time Bisma actually confided in her. It was decided for Nusrat Aapa for so long. If Safwa didn't have a clue she won't say a word but if Safwa asked she wouldn't hesitate to tell her.
Now it was up to Safwa. How she'd approached it with Bisma. But one thing was for sure. She'd do it. She was Safwa Kirmani after all, Bisma Kirmani's whole world.
________
When even after knocking for three times there was no reply from the other side, Hesham knew it was time to get back to normal and just barge in there and that's what he did.
This study was as neatly put as Atif's room was. The only messy person in this house was Hesham himself. To the corner away from the shelves filled with books and files, a table and couch was set on which Atif was sleeping with the file opened in front of him.
Hesham stood there in the middle of the study with his arms folded on his chest. His always hard working Dad. Must've dozed off while studying a case. Seeing the sleeping form of his father, every thought of what he was here to ask had kind of flew from Hesham's mind. He looked around. This study was often used as Atif's lodging so a duvet must be here somewhere just in case. And soon he had found it.
Putting on Atif's sleeping form, Hesham set the file aside. He wanted to ask his father to go to his room but Atif was looking tired and the study wasn't uncomfortable by any means. So Hesham just took a step back and kept on looking at the person in front of him. The only family he had.
Today's revelation had made Hesham think hard. Like any child out there he had always seen his father as just that, his father. But after coming to know about the tiny details of the past, it made Hesham think of how his father was also a human. There was life his father had lived he wasn't a part of. He saw glimpses of that life today and there was an urge of knowing more. His father had most probably loved someone and Hesham wanted to know how bad it had gone. But it was just his luck that Atif was asleep.
Both father son duo had always been each other's good friends as well and now was the time to decide which role to play.
Of a friend or a son.
The former was looking more welcoming so Hesham was going to go with it. Like on many occasions in life, Atif could act like a father but he chose to be Hesham's friend which made the situation a lot better and easier than it was. Hesham was going to do the same.
His eyes lingered on the photo-frame to the right side.
His mother's smiling face was shining through it. Hesham reciprocated the smile.
"You better be proud of me, Mama. Miss you."
Caressing it softly he checked Atif's duvet once more and left the study with that smile still intact.
_______
"So that's all. Yeah."
Safwa stopped and looked around. They were all seated in the main university cafeteria. Her text to gather up here had been taken seriously by them all and now here they were, bunking a class and enjoying the cafeteria Chai with Safwa recounting the conversation with Nusrat Aapa.
"It's not as complicated as I was hoping it to be."
Elaf was the first one to give her honest opinion. Safwa could agree with her. This was her state too since last night. There wasn't any major drama involved which she had hoped for.
"I think Safwa Auntie made a fair choice. We should give her that."
Sarim glanced in Hesham's way to make sure he wasn't offended. It were his grandparents after all who proved to be a villain here or not quite. That was debatable. Hesham was quiet though. He couldn't talk to Atif last night so it was the first time he was getting a insight on his father and Bisma auntie's relation dynamics.
"I think I should really talk with Phupho."
Safwa announced after a long pause. Both Elaf and Sarim hadn't interrupted the silent contemplating Safwa and Hesham were doing at the moment. It was going to be their decision only if they wanted to know more from their elders or not.
"And I should talk it out with Dad."
Hesham's voice had a hint of finality to it.
"I mean I trust Nusrat Aapa but I think it's high time we let the people who were actually involved to clear things for us. Sounds about right? What do you think?"
Safwa held his hand and nodded along telling him without any words she was thinking on the same lines. Their next class was in about ten minutes so emptying their cups, they got up picking up their things.
"Hesham is getting a bit defensive isn't he?"
Elaf asked looking to her side. She and Sarim had fallen back and were now at some distance from Hesham and Safwa who were walking ahead.
"He is. His grandparents are coming out to be the reason for a possible downfall of a relationship. That's why the need of clearing things is more than ever."
Sarim was right. As usual.
"But don't worry about him. He's a tough kid. This information won't create any mess. I can assure you."
Elaf's reply was just a faint smile.
"It's amazing you know."
"What? Families coming in between perfect relationships?"
"What's amazing about that? I was talking about this."
She pointed around them.
"This semester has brought such variety to us. Who would've thought we'd become friends, I'd be hanging out with you and the rest five business days and a weekend combined, Safwa would stay at my place and I'd stay at hers, we all would enjoy a Festa together and now are about to think of playing cupid. This semester didn't come unprepared."
Sarim could only smile at her childlike expressions.
"There's still one thing left though."
"What?"
"I still haven't debuted on your Instagram as a meme."
Elaf raised an eyebrow.
"You should really put it in the aspirations section on your resume."
"I'm considering it."
"Well it's going to stay just that, an aspiration because you really don't have any meme potential."
She was talking in flow but Sarim had stopped in his tracks and by the looks of it he was visibly offended.
"What?"
Elaf asked stifling her laugh.
"I'm totally capable of being there on your Insta as a meme."
"Let's agree to disagree here. Moreover I'm thinking of other options."
"As in?"
"Hesham. He's perfect meme material. The potential!"
"He's potentially deranged!"
Sarim cried.
"And he's walking just a few steps ahead of you both so stop talking like he's a side character in your story."
Hesham shouted from his place. Safwa had rounded the corner to get to her department and in their bickering Sarim and Elaf hadn't realized when that happened. Hesham was alone now so his whole focus was on their conversation.
Elaf ignored him and continued giving Sarim a challenging look.
"And you're just jealous. Not even potentially. Literally and pretty seriously."
"I'm not jealous."
"And I have two kids crying at home waiting for me."
Hesham put in again. Elaf gave him a high five which he reciprocated. Sarim just narrowed his eyes.
"You two ganging up on me? Yes this is what I needed anyway."
"We live to serve talentless."
The glint in Elaf's eyes could marvel any glow out there. Sarim could tell he had never seen such a childlike exhilaration before.
"What? You don't have any witty reply to this?"
Sarim came out of his daze and scratched his neck sheepishly. Elaf could cry with elation.
"Did I just outwit Sarim Haider? This is my time to shine!"
Outwit was stretching it too far. She just had him mesmerized to the point he wasn't able to say anything. But Sarim wasn't going to correct her. For that smile which was lingering on her face as she was taking out a paper from her bag.
"Here sign it."
Sarim looked at the note and rolled his eyes.
"20-11-2014
When you finally admitted I can outwit you anytime I want to. Had to keep it in writing because with your large head full of straw, things tend to get a bit jumble up."
He read it aloud and then looked at her.
"When did I admit it?"
"You didn't? It's okay you can do it now. In fact your sign would do the same so come on! Write your name so that we can have it in writing."
This was so ridiculous yet this was going to be the highlight of his day. Without any further ado he had signed the small piece of paper.
"You know what? You should put in the aspiration section on your resume."
"And what should that be?"
Elaf asked even though she knew it already.
"Outwitting Sarim Haider. Fair and square."
"We'll get there, Sarim Haider but right now, we'll make do with this."
She showed him the piece of paper. He took it from her hand.
"Yeah, we'll make do. For now."
Little did they know they'll make do with whatever they had.
Always.
_______
Safwa sat on the bench outside the parking area deep in her thought. She had so much on her mind still her thoughts weren't coherent. Her phone was in her hands and she was continuously locking and unlocking it. There was an uncertainty in her stance. But for how long? At last she did what she was trying to do for almost fifteen minutes now.
Izaan had felt his phone vibrating in the pocket of his lab coat. He was walking away from the Pediatrics ward after completing his rotation. It was time to go back to the campus for their Pathology class. It was due in thirty minutes so right now the idea was to just sit down somewhere.
He checked the caller ID and seeing Safwa's name he picked the call in few seconds.
"Safwa?"
She had been silent for a whole minutes now even after greeting him and hearing him greeting back.
"Yeah, I'm still here."
"Then why aren't you talking?"
"I was collecting my thoughts."
"On a call?"
"Yes. I mean no. I mean..."
She was struggling here and then she heard a mild chuckle from the other side.
He was amused. Oh how cute!
She covered her face with her free hand and sighed.
"I actually managed to talk to Nusrat Aapa."
"You did?"
"Yes. I wanted to tell you about that. You're sure you're free right and I didn't disturb you?"
Izaan sat down on the bench the same way Safwa did right now. Same poses. Same settings. Different people. Different places.
"I've just gotten done with my Paed rotation for today."
"You're in the hospital right now? You must be busy then."
He shook his head even though she couldn't see him.
"Not really. Rotations for third years aren't that important. Also I'm done with it anyway. You were going to tell me something."
She needed just that. After that it was her narrating the whole thing to him and him being the attentive listener. A role for life. Literally.
"You are actually going to ask her about this?"
Izaan asked.
"Only if she wants to talk about it. I don't want to make it difficult for her. This why I'm having second thoughts."
"You two share a good rapport. I'd say asking her won't do any harm. You can always sense if she's not comfortable so you drop the subject."
"And pretend that it never happened?"
"Seems a good idea to me."
Safwa laughed lightly. She was constantly contemplating her decision of being up front with Bisma about this but here she was, after talking to Izaan Shoaib it wasn't looking that much of a hassle now was it?
"You are good at giving advice."
"I just try."
"Being modest, I see."
"As I said, I try."
She looked ahead through the many vehicles at some distance. Her driver was still not here. And the call was still connected.
And she wanted him to be late some more.
This call should prolong for a little more. It was just a small wish.
Izaan knew he had to get back to the campus. But thirty minutes is a long time. He could always reach there in time. This call should prolong a bit.
To some distance from him, Kumail raised an eyebrow. He was observing Izaan for some time now.
"He looks relaxed."
Roshna peeked from behind him. Kumail looked at her and nodded.
"I can bet he's talking to a girl."
"Stop bluffing."
"What? Do you think Izaan is inherently incapable of talking to the opposite gender?"
Roshna made a face.
"He's your friend. I'm sure he's not."
"Then trust me on this. This fella is talking to someone we have no idea about."
"We don't even want any idea."
"Talk for yourself. I'm very much interested in knowing how charming he can be."
"I can bet he'll be better than you."
"How can you? You've never let me use me charm."
"I'm never going to as well. Let's go. We have another class in a about twenty minutes."
"What about Izaan?"
"He's not a kid. He can come on his own. Now move along."
She started walking away from there. Kumail gave Izaan a look who was oblivious to his friend's interest in what he was doing now.
"Hey Roshna! You want to have a chit chat like that with me sometimes?"
Roshna didn't look back. Just shouted a no as they walked on the pavement leading from the hospital to the campus.
"Come on. I crack good jokes. I can make you laugh."
She shook her head not saying anything now. But that didn't stop a smile to form on her lips. Laugh? She didn't know but he was sure making her smile a lot these days. But that's something he didn't need to know. Not yet.
______
Even though it was a hectic day, when Izaan got home he wasn't as tired as he was hoping to be. Instead there was a calming energy to him. It was always a part of him but for past few days whatever was amiss now looked back in place. Everyone had noticed it and everyone was pretty relieved.
He hung the keys on the stand and after getting freshen up came to the kitchen. It was early evening and he knew the twins and Shoaib won't be home. As he entered inside the kitchen he found Abba and Memoona there and it didn't take him long to figure out that the air was tensed and Memoona was not in a good mood.
"Assalam Alaikum."
He greeted and sitting next to Abba asked him through his eyes what was the problem.
"Stop your grandpa and grandson telepathy."
Abba looked offended and Izaan didn't know whether to smile or look serious. He turned to his mother who was now standing with arms akimbo.
"What's the matter?"
"Where did your pocket money for the last month go?"
Busted. Izaan threw his head back knowing too well now he was in for a long debate.
"How did you come to know?"
"I'm your mother, Izaan Shoaib. Sooner or later I'm bound to come to know."
"And fume about it all day long."
Abba whispered. Izaan stifled his smile with great difficulty. Abba was surely taking his revenge for her comment on their precious telepathy.
"You shouldn't have given Ibsam your money, Izaan. If he wasted it all on his stupid idea of fun with friends then you should've let him come to us. I would've taught him a good lesson."
"You think I didn't do that?"
Memoona smiled sadly.
"What would you have done? Gentle pats on the head with kind words and money as well. As if I don't know you."
"Amma, he understood my point."
"You're either very optimistic or very foolish to think that."
"What do you mean?"
He was confused. He knew Ibsam was a bit different from both him and Ibtihaj but that didn't mean the kid didn't have his heart at the right place.
"Ibsam isn't like you Izaan. So your formulas won't work on him."
"Not all people in a family can be alike, Amma. That makes a family what it is, a family."
"And it's the duty of family members to acknowledge where the other members are going wrong. Ibsam is going in a very different direction when it comes to his life goals and aspirations. "
"It's not that bad, Amma. He's just a bit..."
"Selfish?"
"No, he's just not that mindful about things."
"A mild way to put it."
Memoona put the peeled potatoes under the tab and picked the cutting board.
"She's not wrong, Izaan."
Kamran Ansari put in after a long pause and Izaan gave him a disappointed look. He was hoping for some backing up here.
"I'm his mother. I worry for him. In this way he's going to lose so much in life. When you don't have respect for your roots, where you come from, life often makes it hard for you and then you are no longer a part of anywhere."
"You're taking it too seriously, Amma."
Izaan reached her hugged her sideways. She just shook her head.
"Next time you won't spoil him than he already is. I'll deal with him. You just focus on your studies. I can't even imagine how you must've spent the whole month. My poor boy!"
She caressed his face with a sad face. Izaan just shrugged indicating it was no biggie. But only he knew how he lived off that meager money the last month. Tutors deserved a raise, Izaan had concluded.
"You just need any reason to pamper me don't you?"
Memoona didn't say anything. He was wrong. She didn't need a reason to pamper him. She could do it whenever she wanted to.
"Amma, you won't scold Ibsam. Please."
Memoona knew this was coming.
"He needs new company."
"We can't choose his friends for him."
"But..."
"You need to stop having me as an example in your mind, Amma. I got lucky with friends even though they are way above my financial circle. I tried subtly telling Ibsam that he needed to change that about him but you can't just leave friendships like this. It's not easy."
"This isn't my point, Izzu. It's never about matching financial status. I'm not superficial and you know that. Your friendship with Hesham and Sarim is so pure. It happens when there is connection from the heart. When there's mutual respect and acceptance it never matters who's coming from a bungalow and who's coming from a one room quarter. And sadly that connection isn't there in Ibsam and his friends."
Izaan was getting her point. It was true after all. But how to make Ibsam understand this? Izaan didn't know.
"I started my sob story the moment you came home. Go, I'm just finishing here. I'll set the table in just a few."
Now that she'd mentioned, Izaan realized he was famished. He nodded and picking up an apple from the fruit basket walked out to the lounge. Kamran Ansari saw his retreating back and then turned to Memoona.
"Those are some big words you've just said to him. What if they come in front of you in the future to test you?"
Memoona just smiled.
"If it's about Izzu then I'm never failing a test, Abba Jaan."
And she was right. But the test wasn't going to be hers anyway.
______
Hair pulled into a messy bun, dressed in pajamas with her laptop in front of her and her fingers working their way with keen precision, this night wasn't different for Bisma Kirmani. She was a workaholic in the true sense. She had every reason to. This company was going just because of her. It had been years. Now she didn't even remember when exactly she started. Just that she wasn't stopping till Safwa was mature enough to handle business.
She had just closed a file when the upcoming footsteps announced someone's arrival. Bisma felt the someone sitting behind her and soon she was engulfed in a hug from behind.
"You need some rest, Phupho."
"I was just going to wind this up. You also should be asleep by now."
"I couldn't."
Bisma looked behind. Safwa was playing with her fingers now. She wanted to talk. It was clear.
"What it is about?"
Bisma started to broach the subject herself because by the looks of it, Safwa wasn't going to anytime soon.
"Safwa?"
"I'm...I'm sorry in advance, Phupho. But I happen to come across something. Something you hold very personal."
Bisma was still confused. This build up was not helping at all.
"I know about you and Atif uncle. That you both have a past of sorts."
There was a stillness that prevailed after that. Safwa was noticing every emotion on Bisma's face. From stiffness to shock, shock to contemplation and then resignation.
"I almost thought you'd never figure it out. I tried my best."
She hadn't pushed Safwa away, instead her hold on her had tightened.
"I found the photos in your box. Then I asked Nusrat Aapa about it. She did tell me what she knew but..."
"But that wasn't the whole of it. "
"Yes."
More silence followed. Safwa leaned some more into Bisma's motherly warmth she was so accustomed to.
"Love it was?"
Bisma was lost. As if thinking of the days gone by had her under its spell.
"Love. Yes it was."
"Then why did you let it go?"
Bisma thought for a while. Safwa didn't interrupt this. She knew it was something Bisma needed. She was sure there weren't many instances where Bisma had opened up about her past with Atif.
"His family didn't accept me the way I was. This was the thing that bothered me the most I guess. His mother started handing me out the list of tasks she wanted me to excel at even though I wasn't officially part of their family. I was a career oriented woman who didn't have a mother to teach her things. I just had a mother like Bhabhi who never told me to change myself."
At the mention of her mother, Safwa smiled fondly. She knew how beautiful the rapport between Bisma and Firdaus aka Fari was. She had heard about it from almost everyone who knew both the women.
"It had started suffocating me. The constant pressure of pleasing Atif's parents, that at one point I was done. I loved him but guess only love wasn't enough here. I decided to talk to him about this. He understood where I was coming from but he wasn't able to do much."
"Why not? He loved you didn't he?"
"But he loved his parents a little too much and men who are the best sons often end up becoming below average life partners. There should be a balance. A good son. A good husband. Good for his parents and good for his life partner as well. And there I wasn't even one yet. But Atif was trying. I'll give him that. He was trying his best to adjust both me and his family in a single frame."
Bisma rested her head at the back of the bed and closed her eyes.
"He was struggling. So was I. And that time I reconsidered my feelings about this whole thing. Atif's role and then his devotion to his parents and that's when I felt suffocated. To the point where I couldn't even see the point of going through it. You'd say people in love don't act this way. Maybe my love wasn't that deep. Maybe I was too cowardly for someone who claimed to be in love. I told this to Atif and he..."
"He told you to go?"
"He told me to decide and reevaluate everything. I did. And somehow nothing made sense anymore. Love was there. Timing wasn't. Circumstances? Neither. So that's where I broke it and Atif accepted it."
Bisma opened her eyes and looked at Safwa. It was after a long time she was reminiscing all this.
She wasn't alone in doing so though.
Not too far away, Atif was also opening up to Hesham about the same.
"So you just let her go?"
Hesham asked after sometime. Atif had just narrated him the whole tale of this love which wasn't able to stand through the test of time and circumstances.
"This regret is going to be there for a lifetime I guess. I could try harder. I could stop her. I could make it easier for us but I lacked somewhere. Where? I was never able to figure out. Was it because of my love and respect for my parents that I was never able to call them out? They weren't evil but they were being hard on Bisma. And when I decided to do it the right way, she had already decided to end things there. It's not a tragic story but it still feels like a tragedy to me."
In Kirmani House, Bisma was thinking on the same lines.
"I have given it much thought. I had years to do that. Regrets are there. Probably we could save our love but that time my priority was saving myself and Atif's was saving his relation with his parents. But now to think of it, everything turned out pretty well. Atif got to marry a gem like Hariya. And I got you. The one I got to pamper like your father had pampered me all my life."
She was smiling now but Safwa could see the moisture at the corner of her eyes.
"Reading the signs is important, Safi. Love can't always be the reason, the answer to everything. That's not it. There are many other things which sometimes deserve the same attention as love. I read the signs. I won't say rightly. I could be still wrong in doing what I did but it looked right to me that time. You can't stop the people who aren't there to stay. No matter how much you try. Maybe Atif and I were the same people in each other's story?"
She pulled Safwa into her embrace some more.
"That was it I guess."
"That was it I guess."
Atif's gazed didn't waver from the window of Baig House where the moon was looking beautiful shining outside. Hesham was giving him sometime to gather his bearings.
"Dad?"
"Hun?"
Hesham sat in front of him holding his hand.
"You've been both my father and a friend to me since I was just a kid. In many situations you could go all Mad Dada on me but you chose to hear me out like a friend. I'm going to play the same card here. I don't know if you and Bisma Auntie would ever want to talk things out and do something about your forgotten love story, I'll be by your side."
Atif wasn't expecting any less from Hesham. But the thing was, were he and Bisma ready to talk it out?
In another corner of the city Safwa was asking the same question to herself seeing her phupho.
"I'm glad I talked with you about this. But that's it. We aren't ruining our moods everyday by thinking of the what ifs and all. Okay?"
Safwa nodded but she wasn't that okay with this.
But Bisma's word was final. She had put another full stop here.
But unknown to her that was a comma and sometimes, the actual love stories start after the comma.