I was able to hide my pregnancy during the holiday season, thanks to a cheap excuse for my sobriety by saying I was on a new diet that required zero alcohol; most of people bought it without a problem, but Cece knew better, and since the first time she saw me for Christmas, she recognized my state just by looking at my face; however, she congratulated us in a discreet way, and gave us a couple of advices.
I wasn't aware, until New Year's Eve, that Stone, Jeff, Mike, Dave, Chris, Susan and even Kelly already knew about this, but I didn't get mad since they were my friends, and I understood the excitement of Eddie who was dying to tell everybody about this.
"I think we should tell everybody by now... I mean, it's starting to show..." Eddie said, a little bit shy.
"Look, I'll think about it ok? I know I'm getting bigger, there's no need for you to remind me this every time" I said, clearly moody.
"Hey... love I- I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention...That's not what I meant" He said, leaving the couch and going to the table, where I was checking on some ideas for decorating the stage.
"I know... I'm sorry Eddie... I'm sorry for being in a bad mood. I mean, I'm pregnant and I feel pressure because I want the unplugged to be great in every way, but I'm also worried because you know I'm very protective with our privacy and... well... You're right... it's starting to show" I said, looking at my growing belly. "I'm really sorry... it's not my intention to treat you like this, you don't deserve it" I said as he took my face on his hands.
"It's alright, I know you don't mean it... don't worry" He told me and we kissed.
"Can I have some chocolate ice cream? Please?" I asked with puppy eyes and he smiled.
"Right away, madame" He said and went to the kitchen, but soon he returned with empty hands. "I'll go out to buy some"
"Fuck... I forgot to buy yesterday... dammit! Even my mind is suffering" I said, clearly frustrated, but he just got close to me and hugged me again.
"Don't worry, I won't last too long" He added, kissing my cheek.
I saw him leave and I continue with my task.
It was early February 1994, and finally, after two fucking years postponing the event, Spencer was going to have its Unplugged in New York on the 20th of the same month; our guests were only two, Kurt and Chris. MTV producers tried to convinced me to have a duo with my husband, but I thought it was too cheesy and I really didn't like the idea, so I decided to go with two of my best friends, something that, in the end, pleased the producers.
Eddie was there with me since he was on a break from tour, and he would continue with it until March, while luckily the sickness from pregnancy was each time less of a problem for me, but my craving for sweet things was increasing.
The guys and I decided that the place for the session would be New York's oldest synagogue building, the Angel Orensanz Center, in the Lower East Side; as the date was getting closer, we arrived a few days earlier to take care of the decoration along with the people from MTV who in the previous month took my ideas for the stage.
"How's my niece... or nephew?" Chris asked me smiling as he touched my bump.
"I hope that calm... I don't want to get sick again" I said and he chuckled.
"What about your fear?" He asked this time, being more serious.
"I'm getting better at it"
"Everything will be alright... and you have all of us, you know that, right?"
"Of course!" I said as we both shared a shy laugh.
I was so happy to see my friends there, and suddenly I felt secure again.
We had three days rehearsing, and everything seemed fine, even for Kurt, who looked very tired during those days. I was so fucking nervous that my sickness returned just the day before, but Eddie took me to a doctor and we bought something for my nausea (without being damaging for me or the baby).
The big day arrived, and I was more than pleased with the decoration; the place by itself was beautiful, but the tiny Christmas lights in golden color placed in strategic points, made it even better, and it was a good mix with the rest of the stage lights, that were mostly blue or purple and the candles around it too.
It felt like a nice atmosphere, and in the front row were my closest friends and my family. We took the stage and I showed up barefoot, with my hair down, light makeup, and with a flowing dress that contrasted with the rest of the decoration, but that hided my baby bump almost perfectly.
The cheers from our family, friends and fans, gave us the strength to overcome the nervousness, and with a barely audible counting, I started to sing, as the guys started with the music. Everything was just flowing perfectly, but I was trying not to look at Eddie or any of the guys, since I was still a little bit nervous.
We continue performing, song after song, I took the piano twice, but almost all the session I was sitting with my guitar; then, it was time for the first guest, which was Kurt, and the public went crazy when they saw him there. He appeared smiling shyly, with his blue jeans, an unbuttoned white shirt, a blue t-shirt underneath, black converse and his gorgeous blonde hair.
He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and greeted everyone with a subtle "Good night" as he took his seat and grabbed his guitar; we looked at each other with a smile, I started counting as low as possible and the song begun.
Again, just as it had happened three months earlier, Kurt and I forgot about everything and everyone, and we just delivered an acoustic song with nostalgic and autobiographical lyrics. It was the recall of some things from our past, described in a subtle and respectful way... though it was mere history and that was something we could not erased, but transform it for a better future... just like we were doing.
The cheers didn't wait as soon as we finished the song; I saw a lot of people with crystalline gazes, and one of them was Kurt, whose look was more than nostalgic, but we were ok, just like everything else. I took the chance to congratulate Kurt since it was his birthday, and all the people there sang an acoustic rock version of Happy Birthday to him, as we cheered and clapped again.
Finally, Kurt and I say goodbye with a hug on stage, and a kiss he gave me on my forehead; I turned around to smile at Courtney, who luckily seemed to be in a good mood, as well as Eddie. With that, we continue with the set, and after three songs (one of them with Chris) the concert finished; we went backstage and then we returned for the encore, which was with Chris again.
The people cheered again, and I didn't seat this time, I just stayed up as well as Chris took the other microphone and looked at me in a funny way.
"So... This is the original version of Hunger Strike, before my husband arrived from California and stole it" I said, laughing and making the audience laugh too, as I saw Eddie was read like a tomato.
"Just kidding, babe" I said again and Chris, who was still laughing, just nodded.
We started singing and the people were thrilled, as we delivered a beautiful rendition of the song; after we ended, the concert was officially finished and we had a standing ovation.
Chris hugged me and then knelt to kiss my baby bump as I just watched him with tenderness and all the people went even more crazy because that was the first time that my pregnancy was officially discovered in public. Later, we signed autographs and after an hour or so, we left the stage.
That night we celebrated the successful session and Kurt's birthday in a cool restaurant, where we found some fans and we posed for some photos with them and signed more things. That was one of the most magical nights I've ever had, and also marked the last public appearance of Kurt... though nobody knew about this yet.
Eddie and I returned to Seattle, and in early March he went away to continue with the tour, I received constant visits from Jerry, Layne, Demri, Kim, Chris, Susan, and of course, my bandmates. Adrien would spend the night at my house some days, and some other times was Zack.
One rainy morning, the sound of the telephone woke me up, and thinking maybe it was Eddie I answered happily.
"Hello!"
"Hi Lily... Uhhmmm... sorry if this is too early"
"Courtney?"
"Yeah..."
"W-what is it? Are you ok? Is Frances ok? Kurt?" I asked, trying to sound as calmed as possible.
"Yeah... It's just that... uhhhmm... I kinda need your help" I heard how her voice was cracking.
"Tell me... What happened?"
Courtney and I stayed on the phone for what it seemed like forever; she told me about an episode that Kurt had in Rome, that she classified as a suicide attempt. Courtney also told me about an incident a week earlier, that involved Kurt locked in a room with a gun as she just called the Seattle police.
This felt heavy on my chest, Kurt was a dear friend and a beloved person to me, so of course it made me sad to know about all this, but I was willing to do anything to help him and Courtney, so I took a shower, got ready and I drove to their home in 171 Lake Washington Blvd.
"Hey... thanks for coming" Courtney said as she opened the door and we hugged.
"It's ok... Where-" I was about to ask, but I was caught by the voice of Cobain shouting... he sounded mad.
When I got to the living room, I found other people there, and Kurt was extremely angry. This was an intervention, and he felt stupid and offended.
"I can't believe you also did this to me" He told me, in a more relax way, but still as a complain.
"It's the only way Kurt, and we just want to help you" I answered.
"NO YOU DON'T!" He shouted at me, and then he continued shouting to the rest of the people, especially Courtney, for setting the whole thing up.
In the end, he refused and locked himself in a room upstairs; seen this as a big failure, most of his friends left, but Dylan and I remained there with Courtney. We knew there wasn't any way he was going to agreed under pressure, so we decided to give him some time.
In the meantime I offered Courtney to make some tea for the three of us, as Dylan offered himself to go to the groceries and buy things for the dinner, as Courtney suggested we should ordered Chinese food, but Dylan and I thought it was more suitable for the heavy day to have a proper meal.
We had a kind of gloomy meal because the situation was right in front of us, and we were aware that this was some serious shit. Courtney was beyond worried, as well as Dylan, while I tried to keep it cool for the both of them, but I was dying of fear inside.
After meal, I decided to make some macaroni and cheese for Kurt, since I remembered it was one of his favorite meals back in the day; I asked Courtney if it was ok, and she granted me permission for doing it so. Later, I took the plate and went upstairs, to try and see if there was something I could do.
I knocked once and I heard nothing... then I knocked again and just the silence. So I panicked, I panicked terribly in a short amount of time.
"Kurt please open the door!" I shouted frantically and with an obvious fear in my voice, but thanks to this, he opened it.
"Hey... What? Hey, take it easy" He told me once he saw me already crying.
"I- I'm sorry is just... fuck, Kurt!" I answered, now angry.
"Come, come in" He told me and closed the door, locking it behind us.
I sat on the edge of the bed and he sat next to me.
"What do you have there?" He asked me with curiosity looking at the plate.
"Macaroni and cheese" I answered in a gloomy way, but I saw how he smiled.
"You made it? Or is the box version?"
"You know I never cooked you mac n' cheese from the box" I said, and he gave a weak smile.
"You're right, your mac n' cheese is the best of the world... better thanb the box...then I'm eating it. Thank you, Lily" He said, taking the plate gently from my hands.
He placed the plate on a small table it was in the room, announcing me he was going to eat it soon, and then we remained in silence until I couldn't anymore.
"You have to help us Kurt" I finally said.
"What...?"
"You know what I'm talking about..."
"Today was shitty"
"We're desperate..." I said, looking at him and already crying.
"God... Lily" He said as he put an arm around me.
"Don't fucking feel sorry for me!" I answered angry, and taking his arm off around me.
"No! You don't be sorry for me!" He answered me, a little bitter.
"Where are you gonna realize? It's not pitying you... We love you Kurt, we want you to be ok, because we want you with us" I said, and he looked at me with some tears in his eyes.
"I..."
"We really want you to be ok" I said, taking his hand.
"I'm sorry for making you cry so many times" He said with a soft chuckle.
"Kurt..."
"Alright..." He answered me, more serious.
"Alright what?"
"I'll undergo the detox program" He said, and I opened my eyes in amazement, as a week smile filled with relief appeared on my face.
"Are you... Is this... Are you being serious?"
"I promise" He said, as I smiled and hugged him.
"You're one of the guys that I cherished the most. I want you to be happy, to be ok... I love you Kurt" I said, looking at him straight in the eyes. I knew by his sad gaze that he was aware my I love you didn't mean what he would want to, like in the past.
"I love you too Lily, and I'll always will. I know you don't love me in that same way as I do, and for that there's no a single day that I don't regret for fucking up our relationship" He said, crying discreetly.
"That was so long ago Kurt, and we moved on. You're married to an amazing woman that loves you madly, and both have the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. They need you Kurt, they're a treasure, and they love you so so much... you're a lucky guy"
"I know..." He said, crying a little bit more.
"And no matter what happens... you'll always have me and I'll be there for you"
"You promise?"
"I promise"
We hugged and remained just like that for a few more minutes. Then, we decided it was time to go downstairs to tell the news to Courtney; the mac n' cheese was already cold, so I offered to heat it in the microwave while he would talk to Courtney and Dylan. After the announcement he ate on the dining and I waited for him to finish his meal to go back home.
Courtney thanked me a million times for helping her with that issue, as I just answered her that that's what friends are for... And I really meant it. Kurt walked me to my car, and we said goodbye with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and another kiss on his forehead, similar to the one he gave me a month earlier on stage.
I got home and found Zack already waiting for me, as I told him about the day; then, I talked to Eddie on the phone, letting him now what had happened with Kurt on that day, and he told me to be near them, because it sounded like they needed a lot of support. We also talked about other things like the tour, the baby, and more stuff until we say goodbye and I got ready to sleep.
Kurt was in my head, I was sad and worried for him... I wished I could just take all the pain and emptiness off of him... but it was complicated.