WARNING: As usual, a very long chapter .
Disclaimer: All the songs used in this chapter belongs to their authors.
The news of our secret wedding was another bomb to the world, a lot of magazines tried to make an special issue with us as newlyweds, but we rejected those offers, since Eddie and I weren't precisely ready to sell our relationship more than it already was.
Also, it was fascinating and surprising for a lot of people, more for a few ones than others.
"Hey... you ok?" Dave asked.
"Yeah... just... a little bit high that's it" Kurt answered.
"Nah, you're not... I know this is for Lily's wedding"
"Fuck... you start to sound like everybody" He answered, with a heavy sigh.
"It's ok... you don't have to pretend with me"
"Is just... I don't understand why she didn't tell me... I mean, she was here two months ago and... we talked about a lot of things and..."
"Maybe she wasn't engaged yet" Dave added.
"Well... yeah... that could be" Kurt answered nonchalant, but soon his attention was caught by the precious Frances in the arms of her mother, as both of them returned from a day at the mall.
To be honest I didn't know why I didn't tell him; I remembered that the day we spent together working on songs, I felt nice and cool around him, a little melancholic but happy to having him back in my life as a friend.
Of course, I received a letter from the Cobains congratulating me and Eddie for the news, as well as inviting us to dinner once we returned to Seattle; it was kind of weird to be like this with them, but actually it was nice.
We met again until September of the same year, when they appeared as the cute family they were with a gorgeous Frances, as Eddie and I made our first appearance in an event as a married couple at the MTV VMAs of 1993 in Los Angeles.
For that occasion, I decided to wear a long sleeveless black velvet dress with some golden details on the neck, as Eddie decided to attend with his usual style; everybody congratulated us one more time, and I couldn't stop but feel a little weird at hearing "The Vedders" very often, but, since I adopted his last name, this was totally fine.
That night Spencer won 6 moomen, while Pearl Jam won 3 and also had an amazing performance with the legend Neil Young. After the event, Eddie posed with the band, some beers and their moonmen as I was just laughing at the different poses they delivered, and later we attended the after party, but we left early that night.
"I like it when you use these kind of dresses" Eddie purred in my ear, as he held me tight but gently by my waist.
"Eddie... we're in the elevator" I said with a small chuckle, but still kissing him.
His hands wrapped me with warmth and lust, but we broke the embrace when we made it to our floor; we literally ran to our room, without wasting anytime.
Our clothes flew everywhere, and we both tasted like beer and lucky strikes... as well as the room went on fire with our energy, sounds and lust. It wasn't very well-known that we were an intense couple physically, but it was obvious at the eyes of everyone. But damn, it felt so good to be with him, inside him and next to him... I didn't regret a thing.
Eddie and I would spend as much time together as we could, since we knew the band was going off for a new tour for their upcoming album Vs. that was going to be released in October, so we took the chance because I had some spare time with my band from the tour, that we would continue until late October.
A few days after the release of Vs. Eddie went on tour, and I did the same with Spencer to continue with our dates, that fortunately was the last part of the tour for the year. And by mid-November, I flew to NY, since the rehearsals of Nirvana's unplugged were about to begin.
"Heeey" I heard a smiling Dave greeting me, but his smile faded quickly as he saw my drawn aspect. "Hey are you ok?" He asked,clearly worried, as we shared a hug.
"Hi... How you've been? Uhhmm... Actually no..."
"Hey... Lily" I heard Krist as he approached to me and hugged me.
"So... What is it?" Dave asked this time.
"Shit... are you ok?" Krist asked.
"No... I've been sick for a few days... actually Adrien and Zack too... we went to this new sea food restaurant and we got food poisoning. Tom is fine because he doesn't like that kind of food"
"Uhhh..." Krist said.
"Shit"
"Yeah... and... I'm probably going to throw up in your stage... so I apologize for that" I said with a weak smile.
"Lily..." I heard someone behind me.
"Amy! How are you!?" I greeted her frantically, she was an amazing girl and I appreciated her much.
"Good... but... What about you? Geez... I- every time I see you I always tell you to be careful with sea food cuz I know you love it so much and now this happened..."
"I know... and I'm sorry. We were just so hungry and the place looked nice..." I said, with regret.
"Anyways... uhhmm... you might wait a little bit. I don't think you're going to rehearse now" Amy said, a little bit worried.
"Why? Where's Kurt?" I asked.
"You see, that's the thing" She answered.
After I was introduced to Alex Coletti, one of MTV's producer, him, Dave, Krist, Amy and I went to a near cafeteria and talked about Kurt, who was worrying everybody. There, they told me how he was struggling with some anxiety, his usual stomach ache, nervousness and mood swings due to all the previous mentioned things, and how he would disappear sometimes. The whole thing was destined to fail.
Amy also told me that he asked her to sit in the front row with her friends, as he hated strangers, and that he didn't want Courtney and Frances in the studio, which I thought it was kind of mean; she also told me that someone suggested her to get him some heroin, but she was unable to do this, since she wasn't familiar with that kind of things. We scrapped this idea and I replaced it with valium, that it was the lightest thing so he could get through the performance.
When we returned to the Sony Music Studios we found Kurt chatting and having a smoke with Beth McCarthy, the one who was going to direct the performance; he seemed serious like when he was explaining things to others, but then he turned around and looked over... just to find me, and his genuine smile appeared.
"You're finally here" He said smoothly, and we hugged each other.
"How you've been?" I said, taking a good look at him, since he didn't look better than me.
"I should ask the same... Jesus Lily, you're so skinny and pale..."
"And I look like shit, I know, thanks for your love" I said and we both laughed a little.
"What is it?"
"Fucking food poisoning"
"God Lillian... Sea food?" He said and I nodded.
We chatted a little bit more, until Dave asked him if he would like to rehearse the song we were going to sing, and with my approval smile, he accepted. This was the first time everybody presenced the magic we had as friends and as a team, and it was also the first time they all heard a song being performed with any obstacle but with absolutely beauty... after all it was one of the songs that we wrote together back in January.
At the end of the song we just smiled at each other as everyone in the studio cheered and clapped, but before I could keep celebrating with them, I excused myself and ran out of the stage, to go to a hallway and throw up in a trash can. I fell how my hair was lifted by two hands, that soon I identified as Kurt's.
"Oh fuck... I'm so sorry" I said, still with my head down and finishing my embarrassing moment.
"Don't be... Have you forgotten how I used to grab your hair when we used to arrive wasted as fuck to my apartment in Olympia and you would threw up?" He said, chuckling and making me laughed a little too.
"Here..." He said, lending me a napkin.
"Thanks..." I said as I cleaned my face.
"Do you want water?"
"Yes, please... but I... Where's the bathroom?" I asked.
"Follow me" He told me, and we made our way to the restrooms area.
I got in and I washed my mouth, and I also placed a little bit of cold water behind my neck; I closed my eyes and started to gain my normal breathing, feeling a little bit better, until a knock from Kurt, who was already worried, brought me back to reality.
I left the restroom and he received me with a bottle of water, as he asked me if I was feeling better and I just nodded; we returned from the same hallway and then he was asked to return to stage as the rehearsal was going to continue. I told him I was going out for some fresh air, but that I would return soon, and so I did. I let the cold November air to hit my face... it was very chilly, but it worth it since I wasn't feeling so right. I took a cigarette from my pocket and I lit it up... It was a cold night and I needed one.
"You shouldn't be smoking, you know that right?" I heard that velvet voice calling me as I turned around and I smiled.
"Courtney..."
"Can I have some?" She asked, looking at my cigarette, while climbing the steps until she reached me.
"Sure" I said, giving her my cigarette as she smiled and took it gently from my fingers. I could tell by her aspect that she was totally lucid, and I felt glad for it.
"My god Lily... you look so pretty" She said sincerely and smiling at me while looking straight to my face with a soft gaze.
"T-thanks" I said, as some tears fell over my cheeks.
She frowned in a worried way and dropped the cigarette; then, she got close to me and placed her hands on my shoulders.
"Hey... it's ok. I know it's scary as fuck, but you're a warrior Lily, and I'm telling you this honestly, you've always been a warrior, you've always been that motherfucker" She told me and we both chuckled "You're gonna be fine and you're gonna make it amazingly" She told me with sweetness and empathy.
"Thank you... honestly" I answered her with a weak smile.
"What about Kurt? He knows?" She asked me with curiosity this time.
"Not yet... I'm planning to tell him after all this"
"Yeah... that sounds better" She said as we both smiled.
Then Courtney hugged me and placed her arm around me, asking me to go inside with her since we were both freezing outside, and so we did.
I never thought I would find comfort in Courtney someday, but that night one more time I confirmed everything could happen in life. Next day the rehearsal had some difficulties as the day before, and by the end of the day we all went to our hotels, trying to relax for the big day.
The air was full with tension, everyone was nervous, including me, and thanks to my medicine I could control my stomach problems; for the performance I decided to wear a pink silk dress with a beaded robe that matched perfectly, my hair down as usual and light makeup, but enough so I wouldn't look sick on TV.
Just when everybody thought this was going to be a mess, the concert started perfectly and it continue that way until the almost end; the guys decided to include six cover song, a few of them from the Meat Puppets and another from The Vaselines and other from David Bowie, as I suggested him back in January; but when I appeared on stage for the next to last song, everybody went crazy as it was basically a surprise, and I could see the warm and relax face of Kurt who was the one who introduced me.
I sat on the other chair, took my guitar as well as he already had his; we exchanged a gaze of like childhood friends about to make a prank and then he softly asked me "Ready?" and so I nodded and he started to count "One... two..." and the chords began; later, we started to sing.
The song was Tomorrow Never Came clearly based on our past.
Everybody witnessed that emotional and special performance, Kurt and I just forgot about the rest of the room, we sang our feelings to each other and we finally closed the door in that way, while the lucky audience was part of this magical and once in their life moment; it was nostalgic, loving and respectful, Kurt and I had finally grown up, had finally moved on, and there was nothing but pure fraternal love and support there. We would always have our memories, and for that we would be thankful.
I noticed that almost everybody was on the verge of tears or already crying discreetly, the crowd cheered heavily and gave us an unusual standing ovation, making me and Kurt suddenly shy; we said goodbye onstage with a hug and I smiled to the others... then, I disappeared to backstage.
The last song was a beautiful rendition of the folk song "Where did you sleep last night?" and just when the concert finished, Kurt ran backstage to where I was with Alex Coletti, the producer.
"You're leaving?" Kurt asked me as he saw me with my purse.
"Yes I-" But I was interrupted by Amy, who hugged me tight and I hugged her back, congratulating me because of the performance.
In between of all this cute madness... something fell off my purse and as my panicked face tried to reach it quickly, Kurt was faster; he took the small bottle of pills and made a frown as soon as he read the label, at the same time that Alex was already talking to Dave and Krist. I saw how Kurt's blue eyes changed soon as well as his expression... now he didn't seem irritated, but rather sad, and then he looked at me with melancholia.
"This is yours"
"Yes, thanks" I said as I looked at him with a crystalline gaze.
"Hey... I mean, just an encore" Alex interrupted us, but Kurt looked at me and then to him.
"I can't top that last song" He said, and Alex understood.
Then Kurt announced he was going out again to signed some autographs, but asked specifically to wait for him; after his task, Kurt returned to my spot and we made it o the balcony where I shared a moment with his wife two nights ago.
There, we had a serious and proper talk, and I knew he was somehow heartbroken by the news, as I left him know that it wasn't my intention he found out that way, and that I was planning on telling him after the performance. However, in the end he was understanding and tender with the news, and I knew by his smile and gaze that he was happy for us, giving me some advices for my fear, as well as he swore that he was going to be the best uncle ever.
Flashback to one month earlier (October, 1993)
Eddie and I have been wild and loving since the beginning, in the privacy of our lives, though the closest people knew about this too, and suddenly, we would have to slow down, not just because of the tour, but, because of the uncertainty of our lives at that point.
"Why the fuck are you smiling?" I asked, as I started to cry.
"Hey... no no no... What is it?" Eddie said, going next to me and cleaning my tears.
"I don't know how this happened..." I said, crying a little bit more.
"I don't know either, to be honest... it just... it happened"
"God... What are we gonna do?" I said, taking my hands to my head.
"Wooo... What are you talking about? You... you don't want...?" Eddie said, with fear in his voice, I just could tell.
"I'm not saying that Eddie... is just... I don't know if I'm ready for this" I said and he took a deep breath.
"Well... We can make this work. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm happy... but, if you don't feel ready and you really don't want to, I'll understand and I'll respect your choice. We can go to the doctor if-"
"I'm not... saying that... is just... I'm so fucking scared" I said, as he looked at me with those bright blue eyes.
"Yes, it's scary... I accept it but... We can learn from it, we actually can make it work, Lily"
"I thought... there was going to be a lot of time for this and... fuck" I said, crying a little bit more, while Eddie hugged me.
"You are not alone Lily, I love you and I'm really happy for this... but, as I mentioned before, if you don't feel comfortable... I'll support your decision" He said, now with a crystalline gaze.
"Just, don't tell anybody please" I said, as he nodded in silence.
That October afternoon I just found out that my two-week food poisoning was actually the effects of early pregnancy; it was beyond my understanding how I got pregnant, since I always used the pill, but I was aware that everything could fail any time... and it happened to us. Eddie was happy by the news, and I wasn't displeased, I was kind of happy too... but I was also very scared... I was only 24 and our marriage was just beginning.
Eddie was supporting and I knew he was going to be there for us, but he was also going on tour, something he suddenly didn't want to, because he wanted to remain with me, and suddenly I felt guilty for adding another pressure to my husband... I didn't want to frustrate him in any way, and I didn't want to fail to myself either. It was a fucking challenge and it was a fucking mess, but it was something created from pure love and I was happy about it too, I really wanted to do it, I was just a little scared.