Cat invited them to the graduation party some seniors were throwing, and even though parties weren't for her, she made herself go.
It was late May, and the temperature was reaching 20°C during the day, but the nights were still cold, so she wore a heavy jacket on top of her flannel and sat on the couch to slip her snickers in.
"Joel? I'm going to a party," she called, tying the shoelaces and looking for her keys.
"You are going to a party?" he said, teasing her while holding his mug, and she rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, it's a graduation party. I don't know if you can remember things that happened over a century ago in your life, but you probably had one of those," she pocketed her keys.
"Ha-ha," Joel fake laughed, but his eyes shined, "now, you take care, you hear me? And if you need you can call me and I'll get you-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she flashed him a smile. "I know. Thanks, bye."
"Bye, kiddo."
She closed the door behind her and walked towards Cat's house. It was maybe a 20-minute walk from her apartment and she put her earbuds in. The sky was clear and she felt excited to see her friends. She knew Jesse and Dina would be there, and it just made her speed down the street to them.
Dina was still kind of avoiding her, because they only talked in school or when they were tutoring Jesse and Bonnie, and the last time they had been together was after Dina's race, when Ellie took her to the kickboxing gym before they regrouped again at the diner.
The finals week had passed, and even if now she was starting to relax because school was over, she was still unsure on how long Dina would keep distancing herself. Would they be the whole Summer holidays apart? Or would she be there when all of them hung out as a group?
Ellie was excited for the holidays. She could look for a summer job, read comics and play video games all day. They could meet at the lake and Joel and her would probably go camping. It was going to be so much better than last Summer.
She turned a corner into Cat's familiar street. Ellie stopped by Jesse's house and they walked together to Cat's.
"Where's Dina?" she asked and Jesse sighed.
"We're on a break," he looked up at the sky, "again."
"Well, I'm sure it won't take long for you guys to be back together," she said, shrugging.
"Yeah, maybe." she stopped, and she looked back at him. Jesse had a weird face, his hands in his pockets and he shifted. "I don't know, man. I don't understand her, but I like her, ya know?"
She nodded and Jesse looked off in the distance for a moment, deep in thought, then back at her with a tired smile.
"We'll see."
Cat opened the door fast after they rang the doorbell, and they made their way together to Luke's house, the senior that was hosting that night. Cat had her hand linked with Ellie's and she had a different look in her eyes. Her eyes were dark and her voice was low as she kept herself close. It made Ellie's heartbeat quicken and her mouth go dry.
There were a lot of kids there, and the bass from the music was audible from the street. There was loud chatting and cans of beers all around, and Ellie hoped she wouldn't regret being there.
Dina was talking with kids the Ellie had only seen in school, a red cup in her hand and her head moving with the music. She laughed and it was like everything slowed down around her as she took in Dina's smile, the curve of her neck... She wished she was close enough to see that one dimple on her right cheek and the glint in her dark eyes.
Whatever.
She drank from her own red cup, the liquid burning down her throat. She was actually having fun with Cat and Jesse, and she saw Mike and Bonnie in the crowd, talking and laughing with other groups.
It was nice and she was loosening up, smiling easier and forgetting about the weird feelings she had regarding Dina.
Because after all the stress of finals had passed, her mind had been full with overthinking all of them. The way she felt at ease with Dina, but she still managed to make her heart skip a beat with a smile. The way she really trusted Dina, and she felt Dina leaned on her too. It was friendship, only it seemed to run a little deeper through her heart.
But it didn't matter.
Dina didn't like her like that.
She played beer pong with Jesse, and they won against Cat and Mike twice before letting other people play. Bonnie booed them from the side, and Dina laughed with her.
"Well played," Cat said with a kiss on her lips. Ellie beamed at her, happy.
"You too."
She was feeling a bit buzzed and relaxed, but when she looked around to talk to Dina, she wasn't there. Nor was Jesse.
"Do you wanna go back to my place?" Cat asked Ellie, her hand sliding up her arm to her shoulder.
"Y-Yeah," she mumbled back.
Her heart was beating fast. Cat looked amazing, and she was incredible. She had a feeling Cat wanted to take the step further and she did too. Cat was kind, pretty and she liked her.
Cat had barely closed her bedroom door behind her when Ellie felt her kissing her lips. Ellie put her hands on Cat's waist, pulling her closer, but Cat pushed them to her bed.
Ellie's back was on the mattress and Cat was on top of her kissing her lips hard and snaking her hand up under her shirt...
But then it wasn't Cat's hands anymore.
They were bigger, calloused and rough on her hips, pushing her forcefully against the wall. She could feel his disgusting beard on her forehead when he bent down to reach her face, and she could feel her own heart slamming against her ribs in panic.
Ellie pushed his shoulders and blinked hard. There were unshed tears in her eyes, and everything was blurry.
"Ellie? What's wrong?" she heard Cat's worried voice and she could focus again. She was in her room, sitting in her bed, and Cat had a hand on her shoulder.
"I-I gotta go," she said, opening the door and running down the stairs as Cat followed her downstairs.
"Wait- What happened? Ellie!"
But she was out into the cold night, her feet leading her back home. She was used to the kissing, to feeling Cat's hands on her arms and on her face, but when she felt it on her abdomen, it just snapped something out of place again.
"When you're lost in the darkness, look for the light."
She could feel her hands gripping her switchblade, warm and wet with David's blood.
She felt disgusted as the memories clouded her brain. She'd had dreams about it, obviously, but most of them were about the part when she stabbed him, not before. It was a first, to remember him touching her and not her hands slick with his blood.
She felt angry, but there were also waves of guilt and shame running through her. She hated him. Hated him for pushing her against that wall and trying to touch her. She hated remembering his dirty hands on her skin and his disgusting beard. She hated his eyes and she hated what he'd done to her.
She hated that now she couldn't forget him, that he was still haunting her.
"When you're lost in the darkness, look for the light."
She was shaking, she could feel the sweat on her forehead as she walked down the street. The adrenaline on her veins made it hard to breathe, as if every time she tried to inhale someone pressed down on her chest, making it impossible.
It was hot, too hot and she could hear her laboured breaths. What was that thing Joel told her to do?
She had to go home.
Joel would be worried.
Fuck David.
She was awful.
Cat must think she's crazy.
She was fine before, why had this happened now? Cat had touched her before, nothing different happened, why had she freaked out? What was wrong with her?
Ellie sat at the curb, putting her head between her knees. She just had to breathe. She could do it. She tried to focus on her breath, on the rising and falling of her chest, mentally counting the seconds at each inhale and exhale.
She could feel the wind on her skin. The asphalt under her snickers, the cold ground under her jeans. The cars speed on the street in front of her. She slowed her breathing, her heartbeats, trying to push the memories away.
He wasn't there. There was nothing going on. She was safe.
"When you're lost in the darkness, look for the light."
She had no idea how long she'd been sitting there until she felt ready to raise her head. The cold wind was refreshing and she sighed.
To wake up from a nightmare was shit but to have them while she was awake somehow felt worse.
"Are you okay?" she heard someone say beside her, and she almost throat-punched them from surprise.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Jesse," she closed her eyes again, recollecting herself. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"'Cause you look like shit," he pressed, sitting beside her.
"Thanks," she said, unable to make a joke. She was too tired for it.
They sat in silence on the curb, watching the few cars on the street.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked after some time, worry in his eyes, but his voice was calm.
"No."
"Okay. Do you wanna go home?"
She felt small, vulnerable, angry and sad. There was a turmoil of emotions inside her. But at the same time, she was feeling an emptiness in her chest, like everything felt dull and distant. She kind of wanted to cry but there were no tears coming anymore.
She nodded, and Jesse walked alongside her, his hands in his pockets.
"Do you want to hear a joke?" Jesse asked out of the blue, looking at her from the corner of his eyes. "Why would you throw a stick of butter out of the window?"
She tried to focus on his words, tried to get an idea, but she was too tired and her mind was too scattered, so she shrugged.
"To see a butter-fly," he delivered, a smile on his face.
It didn't take her a lot of effort to chuckle.
"That's so dumb."
"That's your level," he corrected and Ellie let out a short laugh.
They kept walking in silence, but it was a comfortable one. She knew he was worried about her, but she couldn't do anything about it. She knew she couldn't control it, because she'd tried it before.
"Thanks, Jesse," she said when they stopped by her building. He nodded, still worried.
"It's okay. Sleep well, Ellie," he wished, waving at her as she stepped inside.
But she knew she wouldn't.
_________
She spent her first days of the holidays with Cat, because she would soon move for university. But things between them weren't the same anymore. Cat looked at her with pity, like she could break at any moment, and it pissed her off. She could feel them distancing from each other, and she couldn't stop it.
Maybe it was because Ellie couldn't open up about it, because she'd raised her walls too high. Maybe it was because she was kind of uncomfortable with the idea of taking things further and she was ashamed to tell Cat. Maybe it was because Cat knew she would leave and they would just be memories anyway.
"But we'll still be friends, right?" Cat asked, her eyes searching for something in Ellie's. She nodded, cracking a smile and taking her hands from her pockets.
"Of course. I hope we'll see you at graduation?" Cat smile widened, relief taking her features. She hugged Ellie and kissed her cheek.
It didn't feel romantic, it felt more like Bonnie or Lucas had done it, and she wrapped her own arms around Cat's waist.
"I can't miss it," she put her hand on the handle of the car, then looked back at her with a smile. "Call me if you ever want another tattoo!"
She saw herself smile too. She would miss Cat, because Cat was her friend, but there was no deeper pain in her chest. She felt fine, really, and she wondered when her feelings for Cat had changed.
And then Cat's mom was speeding down the street and she was waving at her.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket with messages in their group. She squinted at her screen, the sun unforgiving now and making her sweat.
Lucas: you guys wanna go to the lake?
Emma: yeah
Mike: when? i have to ask my mother
Bonnie: just run with us mike
Bonnie: she cant catch us all
Dina: Not that she would try
Jesse: she would just run for him
Lucas: idk saturday?
Dina: Are you working on Saturday, Ellie?
Bonnie: ur manager wont try to catch u either
Mike: bonnie
Mike: shut up
Ellie: im free this saturday
Bonnie: we gotta visit u at the cafe
Ellie: pls dont
Jesse: just wait for us
Ellie pocketed her phone and made her way towards the café. It was close to her apartment and the shifts were flexible enough for her to be able to enjoy the Summer holidays. She had to wear a dark green apron and put on a nicer resting face while she was at it, but at the end she would get paid so she could survive it.
Plus she already worked there the other summer, so the manager already knew her and it wasn't awkward to be there.
"Hi Ellie!" Drew said as she entered the café, and Henry nodded at her from behind the counter, preparing himself for his break.
"Hey," she put on the apron and got ready to make coffee.
"Didn't know you had a tattoo," Drew said, giving her the paper with the orders from the table. Ellie grinned, turning her back to her to prepare the coffee.
"I got it this year. In May."
"It's cool. And it suits you." She smiled at her, eyeing her own forearm. She felt comfortable wearing short-sleeved shirts now that her scar was under the ink, which was good because it was a pretty hot day.
"Thanks," she put the two mugs on the tray and Drew walked away.
It was nice working with Drew, and she actually appreciated her jokes, so that was a plus.
But her mind kept drifting to her friends, and she found herself excited for Saturday.