Me: I'm sorry.
I could have fought with Zayn and normally I would have. I would have defended myself and gotten mad about Gigi showing up to his apartment at three in the morning and acted like a jealous fool. I could have started a whole entire argument with him like I usually did, but I was emotionally spent at that point. I was running out of fuel, and I got a call from Zayn later that day as I got into Washington.
"Hey," I said, answering the phone.
"I'm not mad at you," he said. "I didn't mean to sound like a dick or anything."
"No, it's fine. I should have called."
"It's just not the kind of conversation I wanted to have with G, it was awkward."
"Yeah well imagine how awkward it was for me," I replied, laughing uncomfortably even though it really wasn't funny and Zayn definitely did not laugh. "Did she tell you that I said I was in the wrong building?"
"She did say that, yeah."
"Did she believe me?"
"I don't know. She didn't really question it much further, but she's not exactly stupid either."
"Well, I just wanted to see you," I said glumly.
"Then you could have said that."
"It used to be fun when I'd just show up and surprise you."
"I know but like, sometimes we can't do stuff like that anymore. It gives me anxiety because I never know what to expect. I like to know what's going on."
"Alright." I paused for a moment, debating on asking the next question but just kind of said it before I had a chance to stop myself. "What was she coming over at three in the morning for?"
"She had a bad night. You went out and I didn't hear from you all night so when she asked to come over I let her," Zayn answered. "Please don't start a fight with me over this."
"I'm not," I assured him.
The two of us just sat on the phone in silence for what felt like an eternity and I didn't know what to say next. I had been thinking a lot about what Jeff said, but now didn't seem like the right time to start badgering Zayn with questions about the future of our relationship, especially since I probably already knew the answers, so instead I just cleared my throat and pretended like everything was fine.
"Tour is over in a few weeks," I said. "You have any plans coming up?"
"I'm not sure yet," Zayn replied. "Why?"
"I was thinking maybe we could go on a holiday together, just you and me. Somewhere where nobody will find us."
"I don't know Harry...people always find you."
"I'll make it super private. I'll even get a jet and you know I don't take jets anymore. It'll be like, somewhere really remote in the middle of nowhere."
"Alright, maybe. Come up with the details and let me know, but I gotta go now. I'll talk to you later."
"Okay. I love you."
"Love you too."
July 2018
I couldn't seem to shake this weird sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach for the last week. Camille had been growing distant from me ever since Madison Square Garden and not to mention the fact that Zayn was busy having his own problems with his label and his album that kept getting delayed. Me and Zayn's conversations were short lately and we were mostly just bullshitting about day to day things when we had time to catch up and I was starting to feel anxious, like something bad was going to happen and the feeling kept creeping up on me at the most random times.
I was spending a lot of time sitting around and journaling, just trying to come up with concepts and ideas for my next plan, like Jeff suggested, and the more I thought about what I wanted to do, the more confused I became. I remembered back to all those conversations I had with Camille about being more open, about being vulnerable and breaking down my walls, showing people the real me and how the fans had been nothing short of insanely supportive and loving the entire tour. I kept thinking about all the aspects of me that I had suppressed ever since I started my career eight years ago and wondered if it would even be possible to show those parts of me.
I decided that after this tour was over that I really needed to do some soul searching and figure out who I even was and what kind of person I wanted to be, because I felt like there were some major things in the way of keeping me from growing as a person and I could feel them haunting me like ghosts. I ended up approaching Jeff after the night of my show in Seattle.
"I've been thinking about my next plan," I said to him.
"Okay, and what are you thinking?"
"What is the probability of Columbia being cool with me being more...out?"
"Out as in..."
"Out as in being a little more, uhh, sexually ambiguous?" I clarified.
"How so? Like...with how you dress?"
"Yeah, I mean, that's part of it. Like, if I wanted to paint my nails or wear a dress or something or like, if I wanted to put men in my music videos...would the label freak out? Is that too much?" I asked, kind of hating that asking if I could be myself was something I had to get clearance for.
"If that's what you really want to do then we'll make it work," Jeff answered, putting an arm around me. "They love you. The fans seem supportive. I think you can get away with it."
I felt really lucky to have such a great manager and friend like Jeff, and to have a team of people that were so understanding and supportive of me as an artist and as an individual and I kept thinking about how I wished that was the case for Zayn.
I laid in bed that night with a mixture of emotions, trying to meditate and calm my mind when I got a call from Zayn around midnight.
"Hey babe," he greeted me. "How are you?"
"I'm alright."
"You sound sad. What's wrong?" he asked.
"I don't know, I've just got like, so much going on in my head. I can't seem to shut my brain off," I replied, shifting under the covers. "Plus I miss you."
"I miss you too," Zayn said. "Wish I could be there with you, holding you close."
"It's been ages," I responded, frowning to myself.
"I know. I'm losing my mind without you," he said, followed by a short silence between us.
"Harry?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you always love me?" he asked.
"What do you mean? Why are you asking me this?"
"I mean like, what if something goes wrong? What if in the future something happens and we can't find a way to make this work still. Will you still love me even then? I just can't bare the thought of like, you thinking of me and not smiling a little," Zayn went on.
"Zayn..."
"Never mind, forget I said anything."
"I'll always love you," I replied.
"How do I know that?"
"Because you're such a big part of my life and always have been. Everything reminds me of you, and when I think about myself, I always end up thinking about you too," I said. "You're half of me, remember?" I said reassuringly. "Where is this coming from?"
"I just wanted to know for peace of mind I guess," Zayn answered.
"I didn't perform "Still the One" by the one and only Shania Twain for no reason," I reminded him.
"I did tear up just a little when you did that, not gonna lie."
"You softie," I said, chuckling.
"I actually have a surprise for you as well," Zayn said, and I felt myself start to smile.
"Are you outside my building right now? It's not nearly three yet."
"Harry..."
"Too soon? Sorry."
"You'll see tomorrow," he responded. "I think it'll cheer you up, I hope. But I'm gonna get going. Call me tomorrow if you can. I love you bee."
After saying our goodnights to each other I fell asleep and dreamed about paradise, about that utopian island that we invented long ago, the one that didn't really exist. We grew wings and flew there through the sky, like lost boys returning home to the place where we'd never grow old and everything felt good again and I didn't want to wake up, but I was glad that I did. I signed online and heard the surprise that Zayn said he had for me the next day, which was a cover of "I Can't Help Falling in Love With You" by Elvis Presley, which he knew was one of my favorite songs on my mixtape.
"Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling. Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, for I can't help falling. Like a river flows surely to the sea...darling so it goes. Some things are meant to be. Take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you."
And as I heard his beautiful voice sing this song so exquisitely I just sat there completely frozen, feeling myself melt second by second while chills ran up and down my arms, giving me goosebumps and I cried.