I had been staring at the spot where Jace's car was for the past ten minutes letting the tears fall, my shoulders shook as I gripped the banister to keep steady. I knew my parents would be home any second and I couldn't let them see me like this. They would ask too many questions that I didn't know the answers to.
I trudged upstairs, taking an entire pack of Oreos with me, prepared to eat my feelings. I opened my door, closing my curtains leaving the room devoid of any light, and grabbed the nearest pillow, screaming everything that I didn't say.
I don't know how long I've been face-planted into the pillow, clutching Mr. Pengy like my life depended on it. When I woke up in the middle of the night, my sadness had been pushed to the side and replaced with hate.
I didn't care that it was nearing two am when I dialed the person's number responsible for this.
"Who is this?" Jasper mumbled, groggily.
"I fucking hate you." I sneered.
"Princess?"
"What did you tell him?"
"Nothing, I swear!" He denied.
"Don't you dare lie to me, Jasper. I know it was you!"
"Don't get me, wrong Princess, I was ready to sing like a canary when he came into the house after you ditched him. But Destiny came back and said not to," A bit of relief flooded through me, at least that ruled Destiny out as a suspect. "She said she wanted to go for the kill herself."
"Destiny wouldn't do that," I swore. I heard the mattress on the other side of the phone groan as he moved.
"Jace was heartbroken for weeks after you left. I thought Destiny pussied out, but I wasn't about to add fuel to the fire and tell him what a lying phony bitch you are," I flinched at the jab. "Princess seriously, you really did a number on him.
"Then this morning after we fucked, Destiny was in my room and heard Jace moving around, I guess. She ran down there after him and told him everything."
"You're lying," Destiny and I may not have been perfect. But for three years we were each other's closest friends. "Destiny wouldn't do that."
"I'm not lying about this. I may not like you, but no matter what you say I care about my brother," I scoffed. "He was broken over you and like I said before I wasn't going to make it worse."
I didn't want to believe him, but a part of me knew he wasn't lying.
"Jasper, you're an abuser and I hope you rot in hell." If I believed in that sort of thing.
"And you're a gold-digging bitch who shouldn't talk about things she knows nothing about."
"I still don't believe you."
"That's not my problem." He said, hanging up the phone.
I cursed because despite what my heart thinks, I know the truth. Destiny told Jace. Because she was being petty and angry about what went down at the party. Deep down, I knew she'd been too calm about losing her social standing to me. Deep down, I knew she wouldn't hesitate to destroy somebody's life who'd wronged her. I've seen her do it before. Start heinous nicknames and rumors for trivial reasons that wouldn't matter once we got out of that hellhole.
At that moment it finally sunk, my timer ran out.
And even though I wanted so badly to blame Jasper it wasn't him who went for the kill. It was Destiny.
The girl who knew everything there is to know about me. The girl who I let cry into my arms whenever her parents' screams were too loud. I saw every side of her, there was to see until last week. When I called her out in front of half the school at that stupid fucking party, I saw something I'd never seen before.
Hate. Pure unfiltered hatred.
But I was naive to think that our years of friendship would protect me from the wrath of Destiny Robinson. When she was mad, she was mad. No amount of loyalty would change that.
I stood up, ignoring the throbbing heartache and stumbled into the bathroom across the hall. I didn't even bother looking at myself in the mirror, it'll only tell me everything that I already know.
I'm a mess.
That night- morning I turned the shower as far as I could without burning myself, trying to scrape away every part of me that he touched. Every part that burned when he was near. That felt cold when he wasn't. But in the end, it wasn't enough.
He was still there. In everything I did. His laugh rang through my ears. His smile forever on my mind. There was Jace Kingston who'd made himself a home in a place in my heart. And I didn't know how to get him out.
When I got out of the shower, I walked back to my room in a trance. Putting on my clothes felt like an out of body experience. My eyes were heavy, but I wasn't tired and every part of my body ached. I felt sick.
That day, I stayed in bed. My family came in and out with varying degrees of worry. My father like always was mildly concerned mainly with the fact that I didn't take the trash out last night. My mother was in a state of distress, asking me a million questions to which I gave half-hearted answers.
Brielle was different. She didn't ask any questions, just brought me a tub of Cookies and Cream from the freezer and watched countless movies with me. All of the romance movies even though she hated them. I enjoyed her company the most.
For some reason, I'd decided to torture myself by watching every movie that Jace and I had seen together. I didn't allow myself to be emotional for Brielle's sake even though all I wanted to do was kick her out of my room and cry until I ran out of tears when Tangled came on the screen. I held it together as they went through my favorite scenes, I was silent when they played every song.
"Scar, what the fuck?" Brielle exclaimed, pausing the movie. I See The Light had just ended and I watched as Rapunzel and Flynn sang their hearts to each other without saying a word. "This is one of your favorites. You've been silent this whole time."
"I just didn't feel like singing." I shrugged her off.
"You always feel like singing it's the most annoying thing about you."
"If you don't like it then leave," I snapped. "You've done it before."
"I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but you need to get it together," She says. I turned away from her playing the movie again. "Seriously, what happened yesterday?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"When I saw you at school yesterday you were all smiles now you look like somebody just told you Disney was going bankrupt.
I cracked a grin at her attempt at a joke. "Is there any chance it has something to do with that white boy?"
My smile dropped and I focused on the movie, shutting down again.
"What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong."
"He broke your heart, didn't he?" I shook my head.
"It might've been the other way around." I murmured, laying my head back and looking at the ceiling.
"My little sister breaking hearts! I'm so proud!" I rolled my eyes, groaning. "So, what happened?"
I was sick and tired of holding everything back. It may help to unload it all onto somebody else. Even if the person is just going to say-
"I TOLD YOU SO!" Brielle listened intently as I retold the events of last night. I tried to sound as least biased as possible, but that was hard when you know the other person is wrong.
But she sided with Jace anyway.
"You're a fucking bitch for that Scarlett."
"Oh, so I'm a bitch for caring about him-"
"You know damn well you ain't do this for him!"
"Then, enlighten me! Who else was I doing this for?"
"Yourself." I gulped, preparing a comeback. A way to tell her that she was wrong. That Jace was wrong. But she spoke again. "I've been watching you for years, Scarlett. You're so wrapped up in a fantasy world, ignoring everything else around you.
"You hate this place, Scar. You judge everybody here. Destiny. Me. Mom. Dad. For staying for actually giving this place a chance-"
"Because this place is disgusting. Okay, maybe I was embarrassed, but-"
"No, Scarlett. You're ashamed. You didn't tell Jace, not because you thought he wouldn't like you," I took a deep breath, preparing myself for her answer. "It's because you don't like yourself." My heart sank.
"You don't know anything."
"I know that you're disconnected from reality. You've tried so hard to run away from the city that you imagined a life where you didn't live there at all. You're so busy trying to live somebody else's life that you ignore the one you already have."
"He wouldn't have liked me otherwise," I mumbled, fingers digging into my palm with every word she said.
"Do you really believe that? Or have you tricked yourself out of believing anything else?" I didn't answer. "Okay, what did Jace say when he came to the house?"
"He said he was angry."
"Why?" She spoke to me as if I was fragile. Any wrong word would send me over the edge. I think she's right.
"Because... I lied." I shuddered. "H- he said, that I was crazy for lying about something as stupid as a zip code."
"Do you believe him?" I shook my head. "Why?"
"Jace lives in this perfect bubble where rich, attractive, white boys live. He wouldn't understand. I met his mother and brother, they were horrible. He wasn't going to be any different."
"Did you tell him this?" I nodded. "What did he say?"
"You didn't even give me a chance to be different." My voice broke. "Can you go Bri?" I didn't want her to witness my emotional breakdown.
She stood up, sighing and pausing in the doorway. "Are you sure?" I nodded, waving her away. "Just think about what I said."
As soon as the door closed, I let it all out. I've cried more tears this weekend than I've done in my 16 years of living. I was never an emotional person and now I couldn't hold them back.
I hated crying. I know it was normal and everybody does it, but that doesn't mean I like it. But here I was locked in my bedroom crying over a stupid boy.
A stupid boy who I knew was crying for me too.
On Sunday, I faked sick and skipped church.
My house was empty once again when I walked downstairs to get real food. My mom came in last night and told me that she had made my favorite, macaroni, and cheese, in an effort to cheer me up. I didn't have an appetite last night, but when I woke up this morning my stomach was growling like I hadn't eaten in days.
The food tasted like heaven as usual and I devoured it all in three minutes. With nothing else better to do, I did homework. My grades were fine but I wanted to be better. School was coming to a close in two weeks and I wanted to be prepared for finals.
I was reviewing for my Algebra 2 final when my mother and sister came home with no sign of my father.
"Who wants to watch Jumping The Broom?" Mom asked, dropping her keys on the counter.
"Sure." We said at the same time.
I moved my school stuff off the couch and table, stuffing it all into my backpack to make room. I was sandwiched between the two women with Brielle on my right and Mom on the left.
Before we started the movie my mom turned to me, "What's going on with you, sweetheart?"
"She broke somebody's heart!" Brielle piped up. I sent her a warning look and elbowed her in my stomach
"Oh, really?" I narrowed my eyes at Brielle. "My little girl is breaking hearts."
"I did not," I exclaimed. "At least, not really."
"Don't lie to your mother." I lie to her every day.
"I'm not lying."
"LIAR!" Brielle hid behind a couch.
"If you know so much, Bri tell the story," I suggested. I wasn't about to repeat what happened to my mother. That's beyond embarrassing.
"Okay," I snapped my head to her and listened as she told my story. I added parts that she forgot and by the time we were finished telling the story my mother had been shocked to the point where she was speechless. And my mother was never speechless.
"Mama, you okay?" Brielle asked.
"Sweetheart, why did you lie to him?" She finally said. I shrugged, she gave me a pointed look. "Yes, you do."
What Brielle said yesterday rang through my head. I wasn't ashamed. I wasn't stuck in a fantasy world. I had an excellent grip on reality and reality is that Jace-
Jace deserved the truth.
Fuck.
They were right. All of them. Destiny. My mom. Jasper. Jace.
Fucking Jace was right.
"Scarlett-"
"You were right. All of you." I breathed out. I had been in denial for so long, thinking that I was doing this for Jace, but it wasn't for him. It was for me.
I was ashamed.
Maybe a part of me did lose grip on reality because I was so caught up in the fantasy. A fantasy of a boy that I created. Because I was too afraid of liking the one in reality. I made Jace out to be some monster because I needed somebody to blame.
When the truth is, it was me all along.
"I must've been an awful person in my past life, huh?" I said, half-joking.
"No, you're my daughter," She stroked my hair lovingly with her slender fingers. "And you made a mistake. We all make mistakes."
"But he's going to hate me now-"
"I thought he said that he loved you?" Brielle said. I glared at her.
"It was in the heat of the moment."
"You sure?"
I sniffed. "Yeah. I can't be that out of touch with reality to think that Jace would actually be in love with me."
"Is this another self- preservation thing?"
"No, it's a realistic thing," I said. "Besides, I don't feel the same way."
Brielle snorted. My mother tried to hide a smile.
"What is it now?" I groaned.
"I don't know, honey," Mama sighed. "In high school, I never spent the weekend crying over a boy who I wasn't dating."
"She's right, Scar," Brielle added. "You're too in your feelings to be crying over somebody you never had feelings for in the first place."
"Maybe because he was my best friend?"
"Or maybe because you were so scared of getting hurt that you never allow yourself to explore the possibilities of a crush."
"Just play the movie," I snatched the remote off the table and pushed play, effectively ending the conversation.
I tried to pay attention to the movie I really did. But I couldn't.
Having a crush on Jace wasn't a part of the plan. I never thought of him as anything other than platonic, but then he had to use the L-word.
Since that day, I never allowed myself to stay on that topic for too long. It's like my brain chose to skip over that part and focus on everything else and now I couldn't get it to stop.
I'm utterly helplessly irrevocably in love with you.
I'm utterly helplessly irrevocably in love with you.
What does that even mean?
Why would he even say something like that? Come to my house and expect me to jump into his arms at the prospect that the great Jace Kingston was in love with me. I was prepared for anger and heartbreak (both of which ensued) but I wasn't prepared for this. I had a life before he came along and was perfectly content being a side character in somebody else's story.
But no, he swooped in and fucked everything up. Tricking me into believing the impossible. The impossible of Jace Kingston being in love with me.
The impossibility that all along he was the piece of the puzzle that I was missing.
Oh shit.
-------------------------------------------------
After the movie was over, I ran upstairs to my room almost tripping over a laundry basket that had been left in the middle of the hallway.
I had kept my earth-shattering realization to myself as the movie continued. I barely paid attention as I replayed every single scenario trying to pinpoint the exact moment that I realized that Jace owned my heart.
But I don't think it was one thing I think it was a bunch of little things. That added up to the huge daunting L word. The butterflies in the stomach whenever he got too close. The pang in my chest whenever he spoke about Marley. The relief that filled me when he said they ended things.
I had always been so prepared for the moment I met the love of my life. Every place I went I thought to myself, maybe it could be him. But when I met Jace it was different.
He was unexpected. Unexplainable.
I came to Barnes and Noble that day not knowing it was the first chapter to an epic story. I met Jace, expecting him to be a passing stranger without knowing what he would become. He was just the annoying boy in my seat, not the boy whose smile I couldn't get out of my mind.
I tried not to fall in love with him. I really did. But the stars were too bright and we were laughing too hard. And I fell so fast that I couldn't catch myself.
There was nobody there to catch me and I hit the ground.
He was gone.
And I had to live with the guilt that it was all my fault.
I wanted to chase after him. Run. Screaming I loved him too. But I couldn't. He was already gone, I had waited too long. It was too late.
But then I remembered what Missy said, with love it's never too late. And I had an idea. Something we'd talk about a long time ago that I'm surprised I even remembered.
I took out a pencil (because my handwriting sucked with a pen) and a sheet of paper, trying and failing to shake out all my nerves.
This was weird. It probably wouldn't work and after everything, I said why would it?
But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. A piece of advice I should've listened to a long time ago.
So, I sat down and started writing everything I didn't say.