Katsuki looked up at the sound of footsteps only to stare straight into nervous, green irises. The freckled boy was making his way over to him slowly, playing with the hems of his sleeves anxiously. Katsuki locked his phone and slid it into his back pocket as he leaned on the chain of the leather swing he was sat in. Deku stopped a couple feet away from him, still obviously unsure.
The blonde just rolled his eyes and slapped the seat of the swing next to him, sending pieces of chipped red paint fluttering to the soil beneath them.
"Hurry up and sit down, shitty nerd. I don't wanna have to pick your ass up from the ground if you have another breakdown."
Deku gulped but nodded, hesitantly taking a seat on the swing next to Katsuki. His hands gripped the chain tightly and his eyes stayed trained on the ground.
Honestly, Katsuki had no idea what he was doing. He knew he wasn't the best with words- he wouldn't be able to offer any comfort, and there was no way Deku didn't know that.
The school therapist, whom he'd gone to see at school earlier in the day, told him that sometimes all someone needed was a person willing to listen. He wasn't sure if that was really enough, but it's not like he knew of anything else to do. He could be honest with him and offer his advice, but he knew he'd probably just end up being too harsh and scaring the little shit off. Plus, there were some things you just couldn't give advice for. He hadn't gone through the things Deku had and continued to.
The blonde was confident about most things, having navigated the majority of obstacles in his life with an ease others envied, but there was always something about the nerd that had forever stumped him. When it came to those green curls and freckled cheeks, Katsuki usually found himself at a complete loss, and it seemed now was no exception.
Speaking of green curls and freckled cheeks, Deku was still just staring at his stupid red sneakers and choking the metal chains to death.
Katsuki huffed and, before he even really thought about it, clicked his tongue and said, "Just fucking spit it out, already!"
The nerd flinched slightly, and the word 'Shit' briefly flashed in Katsuki's mind, but then Deku was gathering his wits and taking a shaky breath.
"I…" the timid boy finally broke the silence, "I think there's something w-wrong with me."
Katsuki raised an eyebrow. He hadn't been expecting that.
"I don't- I don't really know how to explain it to you. It's kind of like static. Like my head is just full of it. It's all I see, all I hear, all I f-feel," Deku's lips grew wobbly, a clear sign the tears weren't far behind.
"I don't get it," Katsuki confessed, "What the hell does static mean?"
Nothing that was coming out of the nerd's mouth made sense to him. He was… feeling static?
"Sorry," the other said, taking a moment to calm himself down and keep the waterworks at bay a little longer. "I guess I just feel miserable all the time. But it's not… a sad miserable. Well, it kind of is, just… not really? Oh, no, I'm not making any sense again," Deku looked pained, his face contorting in a flurry of emotions Katsuki couldn't decipher.
"Oi, calm down. You're not on a time limit, dipshit."
Despite the coarseness of his words, they seemed to relax the greenette somewhat. His fingers went slack on the metal links still in his grasp and his expression softened.
The green haired boy sat there for a while, just regulating his breathing and focusing intensely on something Katsuki couldn't see or hear. The blonde waited patiently, as patiently as someone like him could, at any rate, kicking the dirt until Deku was ready to talk again.
Finally, the green haired boy turned to meet Katsuki's stare, a forlorn, conflicted look adorning his features.
"I hate waking up in the mornings," he started, his voice soft and a thousand times calmer than what it had been. "And I know everyone hates waking up in the mornings, but I really hate it. I hate going to sleep at night because I dread waking up the next morning. Though sleep never comes easy for me anyway, and when it does, I get nightmare after nightmare.
"And I'm tired all the time . And yes, I don't get good sleep and I work a lot- it's perfectly reasonable I'd be tired all the time, but it's more than that. It's like… you know that kind of tired you get after a really long, arduous test and you just don't want to do anything for a while? It's like that, but constantly. I can't escape it. It's always there, weighing me down. Even doing small things is so stressful. It feels impossible thinking about all the things I have to do everyday- I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and make it all go away.
To make it worse, I can't stop hating myself. I don't want to! I've been trying, for so long, to love myself. I keep my head up, no matter what happens. I keep trying, and working, and lying to myself. I tell myself all these things I don't believe in the hopes that it'll eventually start to feel more true but it never does ! Why doesn't it, Kacchan? Why do I feel so heavy and sad and numb all the time? Why do I feel so guilty just for existing? Why is it that the littlest things can ruin my day? Why am I starting to feel so hopeless? What's wrong with me?"
The green haired boy's voice cracked at the end, the tears he'd managed to keep suppressed all that time finally beginning to drip down his face. They poured down his face in all directions, wetting the corners of his nose, gliding over freckles and curving down the underside of his jaw, falling from his chin and splattering on the faded, red leather seat of the rusty old swing. The light from a nearby lamppost provided just enough glow to see, framing the greenette's anguish in a way that shouldn't have been as pretty as it was.
Belatedly, Katsuki realized Deku was waiting for an answer.
"I don't… know." Katsuki told him honestly, too taken aback to be embarrassed by that fact. He'd thought the nerd's previous breakdown would be as bad as it got, but apparently he was wrong. This situation wasn't nearly as panicky or outwardly severe, but it was… heavier. What Deku had just described to him- it was something Katsuki had never known, had never even been around. Once again, Katsuki found himself floundering, searching what was supposed to be his "endless knowledge" for some kind of idea, some direction as to what to say or do next. But he found nothing.
Deku always had a way of exposing all of Katsuki's doubts, all his inadequacies and gaps in the guise of supremacy he always held up. Just the sight of the greenette had always incited emotions that made the blonde feel so uncertain, and it scared Katsuki. But despite the way his brain was telling him to push the other away, to get rid of the problem and run away from himself, he wouldn't. Anyone with a soul would say Deku's problems were more important than Katsuki's self-pity right now, and despite what a lot of people thought, Katsuki did have a soul. A very rough, hardened, and spiky soul.
So the red eyed boy leaned forward and dug his fingers into Deku's hair. And then dunked his head down, folding the other boy in half. Deku squeaked, but made no attempt to remove Katsuki's hand.
"Tch. Idiot. We'll figure it out, alright? What all do you gotta do tomorrow?"
Deku, who was looking up at Katsuki as best he could from under his hand, stuttered, "I-I, um, well tomorrow's… really busy for me. Actually, uh, everyday is busy for me, but my afternoon on Friday is free," the greenette offered, an apologetic and sheepish look on his face.
Katsuki frowned a bit but nodded, finally releasing the nerd's head and letting him sit up properly again.
"Alright. Come over to my house after school on Friday, then. We'll research it."
Deku's eyes blew wide, and, unsurprisingly, flushed a light pink, a beaming smile splitting his face.
"Don't fucking make that face at me," Katsuki sneered, but Deku only giggled a little in response. Deku was getting less fearful around Katsuki since his breakdown, and the blonde didn't know how to feel about that. It was probably a good thing, he knew that, but that didn't mean the little shit got to be a snarky little asshole. Katsuki flicked his nose and made him whine instead.
"Don't let this shit go to your head. You're not a special snowflake, asshole."
"I know, Kacchan, I know," Deku said, a small grin on his face. Katsuki clicked his tongue but left it at that, opting to change topics.
"So did this," Katsuki gestured vaguely between them, "help at all?"
The green haired boy looked contemplative for a moment, then, and Katsuki felt his heart squeeze a little in apprehension.
"Yeah… I think it did. I feel a little better." The greenette said eventually. Katsuki felt himself relax and hummed in reply, already getting up from the swing.
"Good, I guess. I'm gonna go home. You should too."
"Mm-hmm. I'll see you tomorrow, Kacchan!" Deku said, rising from his seat as well. Katsuki turned around and headed off, then, not bothering to return the wave the greenette was most definitely sending his way.
As Katsuki dragged himself all the way home, tired as hell after being woken up, he thought about what the green haired boy had told him. He wasn't really sure if something was wrong with him, but what he'd described sure as hell didn't sound normal . Most people didn't have trouble sleeping, feel horrible all the time, hate and hurt themselves, or get feelings of hopelessness.
Just how long had the nerd been feeling this way? What did it mean that he felt that way? Was it a result of all the bullying?
Is this my fault?