December 2017
I was so amazed. The first leg of my tour had been everything I could have ever hoped for. The energy that was coming from the fans had really filled my heart with joy. They supported me, my music and I could feel it so deeply, it was overwhelming. It's almost like they knew me better than I knew myself and it was the most inspiring feeling. It reminded me of why I did what I did. Being on stage in front of people was the thing I loved the most. I loved connecting with fans and having playful banter. I loved being with my team and my band mates. It was so much fun, I just wished Zayn could have seen it.
But that was the major difference between me and Zayn. Zayn suffered from a lot of anxiety and being on stage had always been a struggle for him. I know that I got nervous too and would overthink things, but his was something else entirely. Being in the band helped Zayn feel better and safer as a group, but he still hadn't been able to embrace that part of music on his own since he went solo and I genuinely felt bad for him because he was such an incredible artist. Zayn had the best voice I ever heard and I put him on a pedestal miles above me. I wished that he was still able to share that angelic gift with the world.
Another thing I thought about was how I would be spending a majority of my life on tour. It was nice that Camille was able to come see me quite a bit and having her around made me feel loads better, but I wasn't going to have that dynamic with Zayn, and touring was the part that would always be the best thing for me but the worst thing for us.
My tour ended in early December and I flew into Los Angeles right away. I ended up having an emergency hosting duty for James Corden on the Late Late Show since his wife went into labor, which I had not anticipated, but immediately following that, I drove to Zayn's house because he had planned on meeting me in LA this time.
I pulled up to his long, gated driveway on the hillside of Bel Air in my old classic Mercedes Benz. His place was this cozy 1960's style ranch, tucked away from everything, which was very Zayn, and I saw him sitting on his front porch in a Rastafarian colored striped sweatshirt smoking a cigarette. I got out of the car, slammed the door and quickly ran over to him like those meeting scenes from a film.
"Oh there she is," I heard Zayn speak as he put out his cigarette into a star shaped ash tray and opened his arms up for me.
I buried myself into him while he held me tight, as always, so tight that it felt like if he let go of me I just might have floated away into the night sky like a balloon.
"I missed you so fucking much," I said softly, nuzzling into his neck like a kitten.
"I really missed you too," he replied as his hand rubbed my back, warming me up.
Once we drew away from each other he leaned in and kissed me gently, my bottom lip dropping open slightly, nearly quivering as that rush between us returned once again.
"Follow me," he then said, leading me to his backyard.
He had this open yard that was hardly filled with much, just stretches of lawn and tons of shrubs and trees, like a miniature clearing of a forest, but with this cute back deck that had a built in fire pit that was already crackling. I heard music start playing from the stereo by the fire and when I heard that drum intro and the piano start up, I could feel my heart melting already.
Looks like we made it, look how far we've come my baby...
"Since when have you become so romantic," I said, turning to Zayn while he gave me a sheepish smile.
"Remember this?"
"What do you mean do I remember this? How could I ever forget when you ruined this song," I answered playfully, remembering that moment from my house in London in between our Take Me Home tour.
He chuckled and pulled me in closer as I wrapped my arms around his neck and his hands fell to my hips while we started slow dancing on the patio by the flames from the fire.
"Fortunately for you I don't have a pool," said Zayn with a mischievous glint in his eyes, and then he started singing to me.
"But just look at us holding on. We're still together, still going strong. You're still the one. You're still the one I run to, the one that I belong to, you're still the one I want for life. You're still the one that I love, the only one I dream of..."
I shook my head, trying to hide my smile. I could feel myself blushing as his beautiful brown eyes stared into my soul, his voice practically the soundtrack to my life.
"Ain't nothing better, we beat the odds together..."
"Quit looking at me like that," I said.
"Like what?"
"I don't know. Just the way you're looking at me right now is making me..."
He licked his lips and pressed them together, still staring deeply into my eyes.
"Making you what?"
"Stop that right now."
"I can't," he responded, leaning in closer to me.
"It feels like I'm 18 all over again and have this massive crush on you," I said, shaking my head in disbelief.
How did he still do this to me?
"When I'm with you it's like we never grow old," he answered.
"You still haven't figured out how to get a flight to the stars, you know, the ones that lead to Neverland?" I asked, lingering on the memory of those dreams we had.
"It's just wherever we are," Zayn replied as he leaned in and kissed me again, this time with more force and I opened my mouth to invite his tongue inside, my limbs weakening while we stood there close, pressed against each other by the fire.
I lead him to the far side of the back patio where I had spotted this Rattan day bed sofa lounger and I laid Zayn on top of it. My body moved over his, continuing to kiss him deeply. I withdrew myself from his mouth and began traveling down to his groin, my finger tips tracing the outline of his cock through his black sweatpants.
"Mmmm," I heard him moan, his arms folding behind his head.
I gently removed his cock from under his pants and briefs, leaning in while my tongue ran up and down his shaft, pausing at the tip. I wrapped my lips around it, sucking, as my hand grabbed his length and began pumping.
"Fuck, that feels amazing," Zayn let out, looking down at me while I continued moving my mouth down as far as I could, nearly to the base of his cock, my eyes wide and unwavering as we looked at each other.
"Keep going," he urged and I obeyed, picking up the pace.
His cock slid in and out of my mouth quickly, my gag reflex practically non existent anymore, as he pulsated inside of me with his hands on the back of my head, pushing me down each time.
"Oh God, fuck it. Give me you right now," Zayn demanded.
I knew what he meant by this and lifted myself off of him, moving my body so that we were side by side on the day bed, my cock towards him in a 69 position. I kept sucking him as hard as I could, cupping his balls in my hand as I felt him unzip my pants.
"Mmm," I moaned, pausing for a moment on him as I felt the firm grip of his hand around my length, slowly jerking me off.
I continued moving up and down on his shaft, clutching it with my right hand, feeling his tongue roam around my tip and down on me, causing me to squirm.
"I missed the taste of you," I said breathlessly once I removed myself from him and began pumping him harder in my fist.
"Yeah?" I heard him say as his tongue traveled up the sensitive part of my cock below my tip, pre cum dripping onto his tongue.
"You still dreaming of this when you sleep at night?"
"Every night," I responded without any hesitation. "And you? You still up all hours of the night? Can't sleep? Too busy thinking about me, about touching me, about your hands all over my body because you could never resist. Still aching for it, begging for my cock down your throat..."
I knew that he loved when I said these kind of things to him and I heard Zayn moan so loud once I said them and shoved myself deeper inside his mouth until I felt myself throb so hard my eyes rolled into the back of my head and Zayn was practically devouring me.
I began pumping Zayn as fast as I could at that moment because I could tell he was close and he did the same for me, both of us moaning and tugging at each other, our legs shaking until we both finally released.
"Nobody does this like you," Zayn said, falling backwards and out of breath.
We cuddled on the day bed once we finished but ended up having sex again not too long afterward because Zayn and I were having a rather difficult time keeping our hands off of each other.
Once the night grew much later we laid there cuddling by the fire under this heavy wool blanket, just looking up at the night sky and these gorgeous views of the canyon. It reminded me of the summers we used to spend together, just laying in bed and looking out of those massive hotel windows, admiring the stars and wishing we could fly off into space, somewhere far away from where we were.
"Harry, look!" Zayn exclaimed, snapping me back into the moment as he pointed at the sky, where a shooting star had just soared across.
"Sick! Make your wish," I replied, turning my head to look up at him from where I was laying on his chest.
I watched as he closed his eyes and thought about it. I wished for the same thing I always wished for, and that was for Zayn and I to find a way to be together. I didn't know how it would happen, or when, or what it would take, but that was always my one and only wish.
He opened his eyes and looked down at me, placing a kiss on my forehead.
"I'm getting spoiled with moments like this and then one of us always has to leave," I said sleepily. "It's like taking candy away from a baby."
"I know," Zayn responded, sighing to himself. "We just have to hold onto them until the next time."
"I don't know if I could ever go without this," I answered, nuzzling into his chest as close as I could.
"I know what you mean."
I laid there, taking in his scent and drawing the covers up to my chin. I was so beyond comfortable and incredibly jet lagged that I realized just how exhausted I was and I found myself nearly on the verge of passing out.
"Zayn..." I murmured.
"Yeah?"
"If you're the flower and I'm the bee, then we can't exist without each other," I said groggily, doing that thing I did where I just said random thoughts while I was already half asleep.
I heard him chuckle faintly.
"I love you, babe. More than you think I do," he answered, drawing me in tighter and before I knew it, I had completely fallen asleep on him.