Eric and Michael laughed, but Nicole's face was tough as her eyes followed her father retreating down the stairs. She knew he meant well. Just as he knew she was an adult. Nicole and Michael were already living in the same city, far away from parental restrictions and capable of doing whatever they wanted any night of the week without his approval. Eric watching and keeping them separated here didn't do much for anyone, except his own peace of mind. Nicole heard the television click on below her and the familiar laughter of "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson."
She took Michael's hand and led him back down the hall to her bedroom.
Nicole: Thank you for staying.
Michael: I'm happy to. I hope your mother won't be angry.
Nicole just shrugged. She and Janice were often fighting. It felt as though, no matter how hard she tried, Nicole could never please her.
Michael: So-- How did your parents react, you know, to everything that happened?
She spoke softly, looking at her and Michael's hands tangled together. She'd missed the way his fit hers like a glove.
Nicole: It was hard. They were sad for me. It felt like we were all grieving for some piece of me that died. But they were helpful and supportive with going to the police and the trial and everything. I'm so grateful to them for that. It was all very public for our county and I'm sure they were losing friends the same way I did... But we never talked about it. I think after Andrew's sentencing we shifted the anger we had towards him into fear and protection of each other. The thought of going through something like that again crippled us all. So they tried hard to keep me sheltered. They hovered over me, suddenly so curious about everywhere I was going and who I was with. Things they never thought to ask before. I understood it, but it was still frustrating, so I would rebel. Never big things, just running away to Laura's house or skipping classes for a day. I think moving to California was about the worst thing I could think of-- but it wasn't ever to spite them! I love them both so much. I just had to do something for myself, you know? My father understands, but I'm not sure my mother ever will. I just couldn't keep living in the shadows of my 16-year-old mistakes. I had to start over.
It made sense now, Janice's reaction at dinner. For someone who didn't know him, there could seem to be obvious similarities between Michael and Andrew. Assuming that drugs, sex, and partying were a daily ritual for all young celebrities. Michael could see both perspectives. He too wanted to protect Nicole, holding her closer than before, and he wasn't even there to witness the immediate aftermath of her attack. But he also understood the stress of being over-watched. An eagerness to rebel is half of what brought Michael on this road trip.
Michael: I'm really sorry you had to go through that.
Nicole: Me too.
Shrugging, she released his hand and paced the room. After all these months feeling fearful that telling Michael would make him see her differently, Nicole was beyond appreciative for his reaction. She was sorry the whole thing happened too, but she was more sorry that she let herself continue being Andrew's victim for so long.
Nicole: And that's it! That's the whole Nicole Dillard story. Now you owe me a secret.
He laughed at first, then saw she was serious.
Michael: Pardon?
Nicole: You owe me a secret! Make it a good one, I'm sure you have plenty.
Winking with an easy grin, Nicole sat again and waited patiently. She was right, Michael had lots of secrets. Nothing, he felt, as monumental as Nicole's, just things he never cared to talk about. Subconscious memories and heartaches he tried to suppress. There was a lot about Michael's life he never tried explaining to others, knowing the world could never understand.
But there was something different about this girl.
Michael sat next to her, then leaned back against the sheets, feet grounding him to the floor as he stared to the ceiling.
Michael: I was around 15, I think, when Jermaine got married. It was the 'wedding of the decade' they said. You see, Jermaine was nice looking, you know, the one all the girls went after. Everyone was angry with him for choosing Hazel over the family. Over the group. I was angry too. And then we talked about leaving Motown. Motown had always been like a family to us. To me, especially. They taught us everything about show business. Everything. It was all over the papers that our group was ending and our fans would leave us. It felt like everything we worked for was falling apart overnight in a way. I was afraid my dream was over... And I remember one day we were rehearsing and I hit the ground-- I just fainted. I was so exhausted and I didn't know why. That'd never happened to me before. When I woke up a doctor was there, asking me all kinds of questions. We realized I hadn't eaten and ounce of food in 2 full days. Everyone was shocked, saying 'Don't you know how to eat, dummy?' Things like that, you know... But the doctor said I have anorexia. It's a health condition... It's not just about food. Not in that way. For me it's about control, I guess. When things get out of my control, restricting myself makes me feel like I have power again. My body-- it's the only thing that's really mine.
Pulling her feet onto the bed, Nicole watched Michael speak. His voice was faint as he gestured his hands weakly, always expressive as he recounted memories, even when sad or tired. From this angle, Nicole could see clearly amongst the layers of long sleeves he often wore. Michael was thin, certainly, but she never considered him sick. He appeared proud of his body, often baring his chest on stage and in photoshoots. And he was strong, never fragile or dizzy like she imagined an anorexia patient. But Nicole also remembered the many times Michael raved about the pressures of his industry. The image of perfection he was forced to uphold. A lesser man would release those frustrations on another man. A man like Michael Jackson could only victimize himself.
Nicole: Thank you for telling me.
Turning his head to her, Michael licked his lips and nodded. He reached for her hand and held it against his cotton shirt. Nicole could feel the steady pulse of his heart drumming against her fingertips. Looking at his weary eyes reminded Nicole what a long day it'd been. But still, she wasn't ready for it to end. She smiled, wondering why Michael was staring at her the way he was.
It was the first time since Nicole's hands massaged his neck, that there was peace between the two. Michael loved roller coasters, the excitement and surging adrenaline, but today had been too much. It was a relief to just be still. To feel her warmth. To feel her defenses lowered. To feel like the rules were no longer in place...
Reaching for Nicole's neck, the stray strands of hair tickling his wrist, Michael wordlessly studied her face. Honey eyes. Warm lips. A perfect kiss, so slow and smooth Michael found himself melting into a new dimension. Nicole was receptive, kissing him back and leaning her weight into his body for just a moment. Keeping her close as if to share a secret, Michael instantly flashed back to truth or dare. The way he hovered over her in a similar way to taste the skin of her abdomen. He opened his eyes in an effort to fight the impending daydreams.
Michael: I'm sorry. I really needed that.
Nicole: Don't be sorry. I needed it too.
She needed the affection Michael longed to give.
Michael: So, does this mean you're still my girl?
Nicole: Yes, Michael. If you'll still have me.
His words were slow and direct and confident.
Michael: I will have you.
Michael felt the warm rush of blood to Nicole's cheeks as he wondered if the words were too much. He wondered why he was so comfortable to say and do things with this girl that'd never even crossed his mind with other women. He blamed fatigue and the dark shadows of her quiet bedroom for bringing out this sensual side in him. Then Michael wondered, if maybe, Nicole could feel it too.
Another kiss, a few seconds longer than the last-- yet still too short.
Her hand still felt the drum of his heart, now beating a little quicker than before until she lifted away. Lingering in his love. Quietly, Nicole shifted her back to him, resting her cheek over that hand. With strong arms, Michael held her. Protecting her. Warming her as she relaxed, curling into him like a child the way she'd been craving for so long.
They stayed here for a while, Michael humming a tune while his hand stroked her hair, shoulder, and hip. He admired her curves, soft and feminine. For a moment he wondered what it must feel like to be a woman. To be so beautiful, and simultaneously be ignored. To be capable and intelligent, but forced to submit under society's restraints. To be able to carry a child, bringing God's greatest miracle into the world, then be mistreated and abused at the hand of a man for being "weak."
Nicole: I want to show you something.
Rolling away, Michael's arms suddenly felt very cold and alone. He watched her cross the room, now realizing he'd forgotten to snoop through her things. She had a wardrobe in the corner opposite the bed, stacked high with books and crowded with framed photos. Leaning down, she opened a drawer and removed a large book before returning back to the bed. Michael strained his eyes as she opened it next to him, then sat up to see the pages were covered in photos.
It was Nicole's yearbook. Michael giggled as he took the book to search for her face. All the senior boys wore the same two-toned jackets, while the girls wore black tops revealing their collarbones. Nicole stood out, her smile glowing amongst the pale faces surrounding hers.
She then showed him another picture. Nicole was sitting in the grass laughing proudly with a friend. This must be Laura. She was beautiful, with olive skin and long, straight, dark hair. She wore glasses and had two big dimples on either cheek. They had their arms wrapped around each other, Laura nearly in Nicole's lap as their faces glowed deliriously. The bottom captioned, "Most Likely to be Friends Forever."
Nicole: You'll meet her tomorrow.
Michael: I can't wait.
He grinned, flipping back to the beginning. Michael asked about every face in Nicole's class, the nerds, the jocks, beauty queens, and the theater kids. He wanted to know them all. From the black and white pages, they all looked the same, but he knew they each had a story. Michael wondered where they were now. Still living in the shadows of their 16-year-old selves-- he hoped not.
Laughing and fully engrossed, Nicole was pointing out the photo of Kenny, the freshman who was head-over-heels for Laura and followed her around like a lost puppy the last 6 months before graduation. Michael and Nicole didn't notice Eric approaching the room again. He knocked with a little more force than the first time, startling them both, but not breaking their smiles.
Eric: Would you look at the time!? Just thought I'd come say goodnight.
He looked squarely at Michael as he spoke. The boy didn't seem to take the hint! So Eric tried again to be more clear.
Eric: Goodnight, Michael.
Michael: -- Oh!
He quickly shut the yearbook and passed it back to Nicole before winking at his pretty girlfriend.
Michael: Goodnight... And goodnight, Mr. Dillard!
In a flash he was off the bed and down the hall. Eric stayed standing in the doorframe wondering when his baby girl got so grown up.
Nicole: Goodnight, Daddy--
Eric: Come here, Sweetheart.
She sighed, but stood obediently at her father's side. He hugged her again. Forcing her to breathe the nostalgic scents of his cologne. It reminded her of the nights her parents would go out on dates, or to church on Sunday mornings. Primping, Eric would take a long shower and the aroma of his cologne would float through every room in the house. Despite their display at dinner, Nicole always adored her parents as a couple. They were a perfect match. They loved and admired each other and had shown her, without hesitation, what a marriage should be like.
Eric: Your mother and I will be gone before you get up tomorrow, but we'll be home by 4 for dinner.
For a small business like theirs, Thanksgiving Day was the perfect opportunity to get caught up on backend paperwork and return calls to clients who finally had a day off work. Nicole understood. It was the same way every year.
Nicole: We'll be ready-- Laura's coming over.
Eric: Fantastic!
He was thrilled to hear Nicole and Michael wouldn't be left in the house alone all day. Laura would be a good buffer. Eric finally released her and turned to look down the hall. The door to Michael's guest room was closed.
Eric: I'm sorry about your mother. I'll talk to her, I promise.
Nicole: You don't have to. This is my own fault. She has every right to be angry.
Eric: Well yes, we're both very angry! When you were 3-years-old you promised to stay a baby forever, now look at you! --You're a young woman! How dare you!?
Eric mocked, making her blush and roll her eyes. Then she shrugged with a grin.
Nicole: I didn't mean to...But I really like him.
With widened eyes and a terrible high-pitched accent, Eric held his hands to his chest and continued to tease as if they were gossiping girlfriends.
Eric: Oh, I really like him!!
Nicole: Dad--
Eric: He's just so-ooo cute with those big 'ol dreamy eyes--
Nicole: I didn't say that--
Eric: And those pretty white teeth!
Nicole: I don't talk like that--
Then his voice changed to mimic Michael's soft tone, making Nicole laugh harder and cover her face with embarrassment.
Eric: And he just sings so sweet like a little baby bird!
Loving the opportunity to play with his daughter again, Eric continued chuckling as her cheeks and neck turned red. He knew Nicole wasn't that vain, and obviously if Michael were actually ugly, Eric wouldn't be able to make these jokes at all.
Eric: I'm just kidding, Nicki. Michael seems like a very nice young man-- But don't tell him I said so!
Nicole: I won't, Daddy.
Eric: We trust you. And if you like him, we'll like him too... It's just going to take a little time.
Nicole: I understand.
Eric: And we're very proud of you, Sweetheart! You've always made us proud. Please don't ever forget that.
There were a thousand more things he wanted to say. Lessons Eric still desired to teach. But it was too late. Nicole had always been more mature than others her age, never asking for help on her homework, always confident in setting goals and planning for her future. It got to the point where he and Janice just assumed she knew everything, forgetting she was still a child.
Even though she was standing here, smiling with him as they often used to, it felt like Nicole belonged to another man now. He recognized that his wife felt the same way-- that they'd lost their daughter. But Eric knew that if treated with kindness and love, Nicole would always find her way back home.
With one last hug, he kissed her cheek before whispering goodnight and drifting out the room.
She smiled, watching him descend the stairs. Nicole was often reminded through the stories of acquaintances or distant family members, how lucky she was to have a father like Eric, but it was in these moments, the simple moments of laughter and reassurance, that she could feel it for herself.
She stood at the doorway for a moment longer, then went to her closet to trade her jeans for a pair of sleeping shorts. Again at the door, she switched off the light, then noticed the slight illumination still under the door at the end of the hall. Nicole followed it.
Tapping softly, paranoid of her father still lingering in earshot, Nicole nudged open the entrance to Michael's guest room. His shoes and jacket were discarded in the middle of the floor as he leaned against the window. Rows of suburban homes were stacked like Legos, Michael thought, as he twisted the phone cord between his fingers.
Michael: ... Yeah, I know... I know that's what I said, but-- ... Bill, would you just listen! I promise, I'm fine... Yes, Nicole is fine too, we're both-- No... No, I'm not going to call you everyday, I told you!--
The floor creaked as Nicole stepped closer, startling him, but Michael smiled instantly.
Michael: Hey-- I-- I have to go, okay? I'll call you later, Bill--
Quickly hanging up the phone, he turned fully to Nicole with a charming smile.
Michael: Called to let Bill know I'm staying... He worries too much.
Nicole just shrugged as she continued to approach him.
Nicole: That's what you pay him for, isn't it?
Michael: ... True...
Leaning back against the window sill, Michael wondered if he were too hard on Bill. But the thought quickly faded as Nicole stood in front of him.
Nicole: I just saw your light still on, so I figured I'd say goodnight... And see if you needed anything?
Michael: Oh?
Trying to honestly consider the question, all Michael could focus on was her lips. They were pouted subtly, awaiting his answer, just aching to be touched. So Michael leaned forward and kissed her, carefully pulling Nicole closer by the hand until she was standing between his knees. Nicole reached back for him, her fingers clenching the fabric on his waist.
Nicole's tensions were obsolete as her chest melted against his. There was a lightness to her now, deep in her spirit, that Michael hadn't known in weeks. He could see it in her face, and taste it on her tongue. Her smooth, provoking tongue. A tightened grip on Michael's torso elicited a moan, but as their mouths merged, there was no telling who it came from.
Without a word, Nicole answered all remaining questions, graciously confirming not just that she and Michael were still united, but that the trajectory for this relationship was stronger than ever. They were starting fresh and it felt so good to have her back. So good to connect and touch in this way again. Michael's hands moved tenderly up the sides of her shirt, curiously peeking for flesh in the way he'd been craving. But in an instant, Nicole remembered his words that continued to haunt her.
"I kiss you like that again... I don't know how I could stop."
And though she no longer feared the words in the way she once did, Nicole knew the timing was not right. So reluctantly, and very slowly, Nicole pulled away. For both of their sakes.
Unready to let go, Michael held tighter to her warmth, then kissed her cheek, and neck, and with the faintest tickle of his breath, her ear. His voice was a heavy whisper.
Michael: I love you.
All the rules had now been broken.
Cooing bashfully at the new sensation of Michael at her lobe, Nicole reached for his neck, feeling the veins and thickness when he swallowed. Holding him steady, she studied his face. His gorgeous face. The length of his lashes and warmth in his cheeks and power in his jaw as he bit his bottom lip tightly in an effort of self-restraint. Finally Michael opened his delirious, lovestruck eyes to see the smiling mouth of his girl.
Nicole: I know.
Her soul was true and sincere, Michael could see it in her eyes. And while to many, "I know," would be a frustrating response to a declaration of love, Michael was over the moon for it! It was the first time Nicole didn't slink away or grow defensive. She accepted the affection he'd been longing to give. And as such, she accepted him.
He giggled gleefully before Nicole quickly shushed him and covered Michael's mouth in both palms. With big eyes and an innocent smile he whispered an apology for being too loud. Then with an energy that couldn't be contained, he kissed her again. And again. And again. Overjoyed pecking covered Nicole's face and neck and arms until she and Michael were silently giggling together.
With a kind and warm squeeze of his hands, Nicole pulled herself away. Then whispered the words that even after hundreds of late night phone calls, still made his heart flutter.
Nicole: Goodnight, Michael.