"Sed mulier cupido quod dicit amanti in vento et rapida scribere oportet aqua." -Catullus
But what a woman says to her lover it is best to write in the wind and in the swiftly, flowing water.
"Kotik, it seemed as though you are wrong." Pyotr said as he sat down next to Brett.
They had decided to meet up in Vienna again.
"Why so, Ilyich?" Brett asked.
"Being with her is insufferable. She did not keep our promise and she keeps on asking me to fulfill my marital duties as her husband. Meaning she wants children, Kotik. I do not have anything against children, I just believe that I have not the capability to raise mine. Especially with that insane woman." Pyotr said, crying to Brett. "I am seeking death with a passion than go on and continue this... This sham marriage with that crazy lady." He added.
"Oh, Pyotr, come here..." Brett said as he held Pyotr close to him. "You could get a divorce. You did say that she slept with someone else. That is a ground for divorce in Russia, is it not?" Brett asked.
"It is if she got children out of wedlock... I do not have evidence that Antonina slept with someone. So, I cannot do that." Pyotr said helplessly.
"How about you extend your vacation here for a bit, Pyotr? Get away from her for a couple of weeks and compose here." Brett suggested.
"I could do that, but I am afraid I cannot stay under the same roof as you, Yosef." Pyotr argued.
"Am I that terrible of a cleaner that you cannot stay with me here for longer?" Brett joked as he let go of Pyotr and ruffled with his hair.
"You know that is not the reason, Yosef." Pyotr said seriously.
Brett was alarmed, Pyotr never called him Yosef until something was different.
"I cannot stay with you for long because I just might never return. It feels too domestic too, is it not? I get to wake up to your unfiltered look andl you expect me to not fall any deeper in love with you?" Pyotr warned, looking at Brett.
"I know it is not fair, Pyotr. Yet, I cannot let you go with her because you say you would rather die than be with her. I do not want you to die..." Brett confessed, concerned for his friend's well-being.
"You say that as it you love me now, Yosef."
"I do not love you in the way you love me but I am glad you are in my life. You are one of the best friends I have ever made through music."
"Well, in that case, I will stay with you for a bit longer. Even if I have been here for a month already." Pyotr said, looking softly at the man that will be his death.
Maybe Brett was correct when he told Pyotr that people just might do anything for the one they loved. And of course, Kotik does not need to know about Pyotr's thoughts. They stayed on the living room for a while until they heard a knock on the door.
Brett opened the door.
"Is there a Pyotr Tchaikovsky present here?" The mailman asked.
"Yes, I will hand it to him. Thank you, Mr." Brett said as he grabbed the letter from the man and closed his door.
"Ilyich, a letter from Antonina..." Brett said as he handed it to Pyotr.
"I do not want to read it." Pyotr said stubbornly but grabbed the letter anyway.
"You should read it, maybe she wants a divorce or something." Brett coaxed.
Pyotr looked at him with a knowing look but decided to open the letter and scan it. After a few moments, he looked up to Brett with disbelief.
"What, was I correct?" Brett asked as he was waiting for the man's answer.
"Not quite but it is close... She said she was pregnant with a child that is not mine..." Pyotr said, voice unreadable of any emotion.
"Well, you now have a reason, Pyotr..." Brett said as he looked at him.
"I do... But I do not want to talk about it for now. I just want to fall into slumber and never to be awakened again." Pyotr said, half joking and half serious.
"You better not think of it in this household." Brett warned.
"I know..." Pyotr said as he went in to hug Brett.
Brett hugged him back, it does not help that Tchaikovsky was almost Eddy's height. Still, Brett enjoyed the affections from his friend. He just hoped that he was not giving too much false hope to the great man. It was sad how the man himself did not see the greatness that lives inside of him.
Most days, Brett had to remind him. Remind Pyotr how his music will mark history even after his death and beyond. He will still be known after a hundred years and many, many more after that. It was sad that Pyotr did not believe it sometimes.
"Do you want me to send you to bed?" Brett asked, still engulfed in Pyotr's embrace.
"Yes, please." Pyotr said as he nuzzled his face against Brett's neck.
Brett was about to pick Pyotr up but he refused.
"No, do not carry me. I do not want you to injure your precious hands. You use those for a living!" Pyotr complained but it was too late since Brett was already carrying him to the bedroom. Pyotr frowned but hid a smile when his face was buried on Brett's neck.
"You say that but you love it, Ilyich." Brett said as he laid him down on the bed.
"That I do..." Pyotr said as he pulled Brett close to him. Brett resisted but pulled him in for a quick hug.
"Good night, Pyotr. I will see you tomorrow." Brett whispered as he got up from the bed.
"Good night, Kotik..." Pyotr said as he kissed Brett's forehead.
Brett did not speak of it but he heard a faint whisper of "I love you..." in the wind. He did not want to spark up hope, he was still in love with Edward, anyway.
September 17, 1878
I still think of him from time to time. The talk that he effortlessly brings out, the talent of his that he had achieved with practice and that love, unbelievably true yet the lies were present. I was the one who did not see it. I was stuck in love with him, I still am. No one has to know that in the broad daylight.
Pyotr is a good friend. A great man who deserves an even greater love. I want him to see that there is more people to fall in love with, he should never compete with the love that is still present in my heart. Quite pathetic, is it not?
I believe so, too.
I just wish I would be over him... I want to let him go properly. I already did but the feelings cannot seem to leave. No matter how painful what he had done, it does not matter. I still remember the day as though it was just yesterday.
He walked out to be a good man for someone else. He broke the news so quickly that I did not have enough time to process everything. I wanted to be mad at him for using me like that but I cannot bring myself to do so.
I wanted to mourn out that lost of mine. I am complete, I assure you that. I just find myself looking for the part that I had left in my hometown. They are doing great now. Franz grew up to be a stunning young man. Belle and Alexander did a great job raising him.
I am now thirty-eight, I still want children but I am afraid that I cannot raise the child alone properly. It hurts thinking that I do not have someone to pass my legacy on to. I hope that Franz will remember me so that he could tell his future children and grandchildren about it. I could only hope...
I am not afraid of growing old alone now. For most part I have accepted it... I am glad that I fulfilled my dream with music. I am glad to constantly find myself with what I loved ever since I was a child.
I wonder how he is doing with his three children. I heard a while back that he is still a soloist and constantly goes to nearby towns. He had a great income and I hope he is happy with his woman. I hope he does not regret anything. I know that he is happy.
I am happy for him, too.
The last time I saw him was at my father's funeral. That was three years ago... Wherever and whatever endeavors he might do, I still wish him the best. I still hopelessly and unconditionally cherish his entirety.