January 10th, 1989
Cw: discussing trauma, abuse/sexual abuse
Your P.O.V
As I get ready for school, I look at my calendar, and see that I have therapy tomorrow. God, my therapy appointment is tomorrow. It's a little scary to think about, like what if she doesn't like me? Or I say something stupid? I realize how stupid that sounds. Wait, isn't that the point of therapists? To tell them things that have been bothering you, even if they're stupid. It's okay, Y/n, take deep breaths, and relax.
I realize that since today's the first day I go back to school, that also means I have to see Addison again. I lay back in my bed, and groan at that thought, because he's a dick. But I still have to go to school, so I get back up, and head out the door to meet Beverly.
Beverly is waiting by her door, looking kind of sad, but when she sees me, she smiles. I guess she's happy to see me doing better. I mean, I'm happy I'm doing better too. It doesn't matter why she's happy, just that she is, especially since I hear things coming from her apartment, and then she comes over to my apartment, looking sad. I'm always able to cheer her up in some way, like one time, I pretended to be Mr. Keene from the store, and she laughed, her wonderful. bright, cheery laugh that always warms you up inside, and makes you feel like laughing too. I wonder if she can tell how much I love her. Not that I could ever say it like that to her face and mean it romantically.
"Y/n, we have to go!"
I shake my head. "Oh, sorry I must have lost my train of thought while looking at this terrible creature." I decide to tease her a little.
She puts her hands on her hips, and purses her lips. "And what did this creature look like?"
"It was awful, it had red hair, these blue eyes that almost look like the ocean, and it smokes cigarettes."
She laughs, and we start walking out of the apartment building. "Sounds like you know the creature."
"I do, it's standing right next to me."
She continues to play along. "Oh my god, I see it, it really is awful, and it's about to eat your face." She jumps at me, with her hands in front of her face. We have a playfight, and she wins, even though she's a lot shorter than me. After the little "fight", she straightens herself, and clears her throat. "On a more serious note, how are things with Addison?"
"Not too bad-"
She cuts me off, probably thinking I was finished. "That's good, have you forgiven him?"
"I wasn't finished, I was going to say: 'I still hope he burns in hell though'."
She laughs again. "Wow, someone can really hold a grudge."
I shrug. "I guess I can. But he deserves it."
We get on our bikes and start heading to the school. I stand up on my bike to feel the wind blowing through my hair. I shout with joy, before sitting back down because it's still cold out. It's exhilarating, the feel of the icy air in your face, and the scent of cold lingering in the air. I love the winter, and since Derry's not close to any big cities, the snow is always a bright white.
"Hey Beverly."
We both slow down a little. "Yeah?"
"I was wondering, if you maybe wanted to go on a walk after school."
"A walk?"
"Yeah, so we can see the snow, and enjoy it." Dammit, she's probably going to say no.
She doesn't answer for a bit. "Of course, a walk sounds great!"
"Okay, cool. So, see you in lunch?"
"Yep, see ya."
I walk inside, and the first person I see is fucking Jones (Addison). He may be cute, with his dark hair, and green eyes, but he's an ass. And he's lost any respect I had for him, so I try not to call him by his first name anymore. It's hard, because I've gotten used to calling him by his first name, but I will stop. I turn to leave, but I feel a hand on my shoulder, stopping me. I know it's Jones.
"What do you want Jones?"
"I want to apologize again. I'm very very very very very sorry for what I did."
"I accept your apology, but I don't forgive you just yet."
"Thank you Y/n, I promise I won't do anything like that again." He sounds extremely sad, like he's about to cry. I care a little, but I decide to ignore him for the rest of the day, as well as Criss.
I resume walking towards Literature, and make it into class on time. Miss Thomas looks at me, and she looks irritated. Probably because she smelled her own breath this morning, because that stuff stinks to high heaven. We start the lesson as usual, but in the middle of the lesson, the PA goes off.
"Will Miss Michaud head to the principal's office? We have a visitor for you."
It's a little odd, because Mom never said anything about anyone visiting. I pack up my stuff, in case I have to leave, and head to the office. As I make my way down the hall, I pass by Beverly's class. At that moment she looks out the window, and sees me. She starts frowning, and mouths "What happened?" I shrug, and she turns away, seeming unsatisfied with my answer. I can't tell her things I don't know, so it doesn't bother me.
When I reach the office, I hear people talking. I knock on the door, but no one hears. I try again, this time a bit louder, and wait a little bit, but no one answers. I knock again, practically punching the door, when Principal Davis finally answers the door.
"Good, you're here. You can just come right in." His arm points to a seat, BY MY PARENTS!!?? What are they doing here? Am I in trouble?
Before I can ask any questions, Dad speaks up. "Y/n, we didn't tell you because we forgot." Ummmm? Tell me what?
Mom interrupts him. "Not we, you. You were the one in charge of tellimg her, because you're up earlier." Another fight, hooray. They're one incident away from getting a divorce.
"God, I said I was sorry."
"You said it, but do you mean it?"
Dad looks guilty for a bit, then his face goes back to normal. "That's not the point." He turns to face me. "The point is, Dr. Smith called, and rescheduled your appointment for noon today."
"What? Why didn't either of you tell me?" I'm fuming. How could they not tell me? I made plans to sit with Beverly today. It would have been the first time I've sat with her in public, and I finally got the courage to risk my reputation for her, because she is the sweetest, and most wonderful person I've ever met. And now the plans are ruined because Dad forgot to tell me that therapy was today. "And when did the time change?"
He rubs his hand on his neck, and laughs nervously. "Well, she called on Saturday,"
Saturday? Saturday? ! "THAT WAS THREE DAYS AGO!"
Principal Davis is getting flustered, and trying to calm me down. "Miss Michaud calm down!"
"CALM DOWN? CALM DOWN? I HAD IMPORTANT PLANS FOR LUNCH TODAY, BUT NOW THEY'VE GONE DOW THE FUCKING DRAIN! BECAUSE MY FATHER COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO TELL ME MY APPOINTMENT DATE WAS CHANGED!"
Principal Davis looks shocked. "Miss Michaud! You will not use that kind of language in my school! And I'm sure your lunch plans can be rearranged."
"Fine! I'll go outside!" I storm out of the office, but before I leave, I yell: "Those lunch plans had been planned for over a month!" Slamming the door shut, I head to my next class, Social Studies. I see Beverly in the halls, so I smile and wave to her, and she waves back. Tozier's sitting by my seat in Social Studies class, he's like that in all of my classes except Drama, because he doesn't take it, thankfully.
Tozier taps my shoulder, and I turn around. "Waddya get busted for?"
"I didn't get busted for anything Tozier, I'm just going somewhere at lunch."
He seems intrigued, and is about to ask something, but I turn around and watch the teacher, who is talking about the geography in Europe. I'm not exactly listening, because I studied this last night. Somehow, he can tell that I'm not paying attention, because he throws a note at me. I unfold it, and it has nothing on it. I write: What the fuck Tozier, why would you give me a blank note? I toss it back, and it lands right in front of him. He unfolds it, reads it, and writes back.
You looked bored, so I wanted to make you not bored.
I write, and toss the note back. I don't want your help Tozier, you know I don't like you.
I heard you and Eds talking about why you hate me.
He eavesdropped on us then too? What a great friend. So?
I thought we could, I don't know, be friends? He wants to be friends?
I think for a bit, then reply. If you can somehow get Beverly Marsh into your little friend group, then we can be friends. And no bribes or anything of the sort.
Fine, challenge accepted.
The teacher continues talking, and I continue not listening. Tozier doesn't bother me for the rest of the class, and I don't bother him. I head to my next class, Home Ec., and he follows me. Ben's in my next class, so I sit next to him to avoid Tozier, but he sits behind me. I expect him to do something, but he doesn't. I keep looking at him, and Ben seems confused.
Ben leans over and whispers: "Why do you keep looking at Richie? Do you like him?"
"I could never like Tozier, he's too annoying."
He doesn't look like he believes me. "Uh huh, sure."
"I don't like him, and that's that, now pay attention to the lesson."
He still doesn't seem convinced, but he sighs, and turns back to the teacher, who's telling us how to bake a cake. I don't understand why we have Home Ec., but at least we don't get any homework. Some people struggle in Home Ec., but I am not one of those people. My grade is an A+ in this class, since it's so easy.
While listening to the teacher's instructions, Ben and I start making a cake. It's supposed to just be a cake, but I'm bored, so I start making a soufflé as well. I have to get extra ingredients from the pantry, so I start sneaking over there, but I realize I don't have to. Ben doesn't care what I do alone, as long as I help him with the main project. I'm basically an expert at Home Ec., since I do it all the time at my house for fun. Tozier always does really good in this class too. He's like a totally different person when he's in here, almost as if he likes stuff like this.
When class is almost over, Mr. Clifton checks over the cakes, sees that I have a soufflé as well, and gives me extra credit. He lets me eat the soufflé too. Speaking of eating, I have one class until I have to go to therapy. Can I bring food there? I do need to eat. The bell rings, dismissing us to our next class, Science. Which means I need to tell Beverly that I'm leaving for lunch. Thankfully the project is over, and I don't have to sit with Criss anymore. I still don't understand why he likes me, and he just kissed me out of nowhere. I try to push that thought out of my head, and listen to Mx. Valencia, while writing a note to Beverly.
I have to leave at lunch.
She looks confused, then angry. She almost tears the paper when writing back. What? Why?! You said that we were going to eat lunch together!
I have a checkup today. And before you ask, I didn't know the date was changed until I went to the principal's office.
Can we do it tomorrow then?
She's taking it a lot better than I did, that's for sure. Sure!
Now I focus on what Mx. Valencia says, because as much as I love blowing things up, I don't want to mess up, I need to keep a good grade in my second favorite class. Obviously my first favorite is Drama. Mx. Valencia keeps droning on about the proper safety procedures for mixing chemicals and such. They do this every time, because that's what they have to do to be a teacher. We're supposed to mix together chemicals to create a reaction that will create some type of foamy substance. "The important thing is that you don't make anything explode." The same line they've used since they started working here, and it still isn't funny.
Beverly and I whisper: "So what appointment do you have today that's so important?"
"It's a therapy thing, I've been having really bad nightmares."
"What kind of nightmares?" She stirs in a pink chemical.
"I'd rather not say."
"I understand, I have things I don't tell people either." She doesn't say anything, but I can tell she's talking about her dad.
"Thanks for understanding, I just heard about it this morning."
After we finish mixing, the mixture explodes into a foamy ball thing. Mx. Valencia checks the experiment, and grades it. I hope it's supposed to do that, otherwise I messed up. Before Mx. Valencia can dismiss us, Principal Davis comes and takes me outside.
"I get my very own escort, wow." My voice drips with sarcasm. "It must be something important."
"You know why I'm doing this. It's not pleasant for me either."
"I can walk to my car by myself, you know."
Principal Davis sighs, and keeps dragging me to my car. It makes me feel like he's kidnapping me, but he despises me, and wouldn't be able to stand me for very long. That makes me very proud of my annoying abilities. We reach the car, and he finally lets go of me.
"Thank you for your amazing escort service, I'll make sure to leave you a five star review."
"How do you deal with this child everyday?"
Mom doesn't say anything, and Principal Davis leaves me alone. I buckle up, and before we head to the therapist's office, we get some food. When we get to the office, I'm the only one there, so we get called back quickly.
"Are you Y/n Michaud?"
I raise my hand. "That's me."
"You can come in now."
I nod, and head in the room. There are two seats, both facing each other, a couch, and a table in between the seats. There are some fake trees, and some real potted plants. I take my seat on the chair on the right.
"Hello Miss Y/n." I hold out my arm for her to shake it. She seems surprised for some reason. "Your parents must have raised you well."
"They sure did."
"Now I know you aren't here for polite chat, let's start talking about why you are here."
"Um... okay."
She picks up a clipboard and pen, and gets ready to take notes.
"Well, I've been having nightmares a lot recently, and they're about someone that I used to know."
"Do you want to tell me about the person who is in those dreams?"
I shake my head. "Not really."
"That's okay, we'll work our way to that," She marks something in her clipboard. "Can you tell me anything about your dreams?"
Should I tell her? I did tell Dr. Greaver. "Well, sometimes my family, and friends, they'll yell at me for-for..."
"For what?" Her face looks
I fiddle with my fingers, and look down. Something is churning in my stomach. It's easier to just spit it out, like ripping off a bandaid. "For...liking girls." I whisper the last part, because I don't want to tell her.
"I'm sorry, what was that last part?" She holds her hand to her ear so she can hear me better.
"I like girls."
If she had water in her mouth, it would be on the floor, from the way she looks. "Oh, well, do you want to tell me what they say?"
"They tell me that I'm disgusting, and a horrible person."
She makes some more notes. "Were you raised in a religious household?"
I shake my head.
"Do your parents hate you for liking girls?"
I shake my head again.
"Then what is causing these nightmares? If you didn't have disapproving parents, and you don't have a religion?"
"It was my old town."
"What about your town?"
I start sweating, I haven't told anyone besides my family this. "Someone shot at me, and hit my shoulder."
"They shot you?"
"It wasn't an accepting town." Wow, talking about acceptance in a town like Derry. Sure seems like irony.
"I know about that, I grew up in Derry. Anyways, do you want to tell me about the person yet?"
"I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about my past anymore." She nods, and changes the subject.
"Does anything else happen in your dreams?"
"I get hurt, because someone hurts me."
"Is it the person you told me about?"
I nod, and we continue talking. We never go back to talking about my past, because every time she tries to bring it up, I always change the subject to something else. When the time is up, I leave, and I get in the car and we go home.
3006 words
I couldn't think of anything else to write for this chapter, so here it is.
Stay safe and don't do drugs kids.
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