Kabanata 31:
Meet
Dahan dahan kong binuksan ang mga mata at ang puting kurtina ang sumalubong sa akin. Inatake ang ilong ko ng amoy ng kemikal, gamot at alcohol. My head feels heavy. I already found out that I'm inside a hospital room. My vision is still blurry as I tried to move a bit because I feel numb in my position. Pero napadaing ako sa sakit sa kaunting galaw na ginawa.
I gasped as I closed my eyes and hold my stomach. Marahan ko iyong hinaplos pero ramdam ko pa rin ang sakit. Pakiramdam ko para akong tinutusok at pinipiga ang laman sa loob. My breathing become rapid.
"Elysha." I heard the familiar soft baritone said and I turned my head and I saw Karson. My eyes immediately heated when I see a bandage in his left forehead. Mabilis niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko at hinalos ang pisngi.
"Does it still hurt?" marahan niyang tanong. His eyes were dark and intense. The worry in it is very visible.
"Don't worry. I can handle this. I-Ikaw? Are you okay?"
"Don't think about me. This is nothing baby."
"Pero malalim ang sugat mo."
"I'm fine baby. How about you? Do you want me to ask for a doctor to check you?" marahan akong umiling sa kanya habang nakatitig sa kanya. Mukha siyang nagpapanik at ngumiti ako para siguraduhin na ayos lang ako.
"M-Medyo masakit pa p-pero kaya ko naman."
"Fuck. I should arrive early so this won't happened to you. Damn it." hinawakan ko ang kamay niya ng mahigpit.
"Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. Ang mahalaga ay dumating ka para iligtas ako. I'm safe now, Karson." I tried to calm him down but he still look frustrated. I can see the anger in his eyes but his hold on me is soft and tender.
"I will make sure that woman will never touch you even the end of your hair. She won't never do this again. If she tried then I will make her pay."
"Don't over do it Karson. I'm fine if I won't see her anymore."
"No, I can do worst for you baby. Ibang usapan na kapag sinaktan ka. Hinding hindi ko mapapatawad ang ginawa noon sayo." he caress my hair and my heart pounded immediately. His soft traces of his fingers are soothing my pain to fade.
"Where is Lyle? A-Alam niya ba 'to?"
"He's in the mansion and safe. Naroon si Clyde para bantayan siya. I also called Henessy and she's now taking care of our son with Philip. Hindi ko sinabi sa kanya ang buong nangyari. I only tell him that we're here in hospital and we'll stay here tonight."
"H-Ha? Karson kaya ko naman. I can go home tonight." I move a bit to sit but I whimper in pain. Mabilis niya akong pinigilan.
"See? Elysha don't force yourself. Don't worry Lyle is at good hands. Nagkausap kami kanina noong natutulog ka. Do you want me to call him?" tumango ako. Balak ko pa sana siyang sunduin kanina pero naudlot iyon dahil sa ginawa ni Freya. I'm in a clean hospital gown now with a clean undergraments underneath. Maayos na rin ang itsura ko at walang bakas ng kahit na anong dumi.
"Then you need to eat first. Gusto ko sanang kumain ka ng marami pero ayokong sumakit ang tiyan mo. Eat the amount you can." Karson said and I nodded as he get the paper bag and prepare my food.
Pagkatapos kumain ay uminom ako ng painkiller para sa tiyan ko. After that I talk to Lyle in the phone. He's sad because he will sleep without us. Nalulungkot din ako para sa anak dahil gusto ko rin siyang kasama. Kaya kinabuksan ay nagpumilit na ako na umuwi para makasama ang anak ko.
I'm a nursing student but I can't stay in a hospital that long. Siguro dahil pasyente ako at hindi nagtratrabaho kaya hindi ko makayanan. I rest for three days so I skip my classes also. Noong mag-Lunes ay hindi pa ako pinayagan ni Karson na pumasok pero sinigurado ko na ayos lang talaga ako.
"Are you sure you're fine?" I almost rolled my eyes on Karson. I'm hugging Lyle tightly and he giggled.
"You ask me that for a nth time, Karson. Of course I am, I need to go back to school or I'll miss more lessons."
"I can talk to your profs so you won't be bothered by it." I groaned on his suggestion. Humiwalay ako sa yakap kay Lyle at inayos ang kuwelyo niya na bahagyang nagulo.
"I don't want to use your power in the university, Karson. That's unfair. Hayaan mo na ako at ayos lang talaga ako."
"I'm sorry. I can't help it. Fine, I'll let you go now. Just make sure you always update me in your free time."
"I will. Lyle will be late at his first class." anyaya ko na sa kanya at huminga muna siya ng malalim. Mukhang hirap pang pakawalan ako pero sumuko na lang dahil hindi niya magawang malabanan ang gusto ko.
We walk together in the car and Karson started the engine as I fix my seatbelt. Mabuti na lang at hindi naman masiyadong maraming gawain ang nakaligtaan ko sa tatlong araw na hindi pagpasok. Mahuhuli lang ako ng uwi sa nakagawian kong oras para bawiin iyon.
I'm writing in my notes when Lorie elbowed me a bit. Magkatabi kami kaya madali lang sa kanyang gawin iyon. I turned to her and I raised my brow.
"Are you okay? Uh I just heard what happened to you in a bookstore." she ask and I can see the sincerity and worry in her eyes. Huminga naman ako ng malalim sa tanong niya. Ramdam ko rin ang kuryusong tingin sa akin ng iilan kong kaklase. Kapag binabalingan ko lang ay mag-iiwas sila ng tingin.
"I don't want to sound nosy but I'm worried. Noong nabalitaan ko iyon. Tumakbo ako sa bookstore para tulungan ka kaso wala ka na doon. I only see the woman, Freya is it?"
"Ayos lang naman ako ngayon. Thanks for the concern." ngumiti ako ng maliit sa kanya at pinagpatuloy ang sinusulat ko. Habang ang tenga ko ay patuloy pa ring nakikinig sa kanya.
"Ang lakas ng loob ng babae na 'yon no? Hindi niya ba alam na engage na kayo ni Karson? And she's still chasing him like a desperate dog. She even pulled that scene. Siya lang ang napahiya sa nangyari."
"I think she's obsessed with Karson that she can't let go of him that easy." sagot ko naman.
"She just taste her own medicine for what she have done. For sure she's embarass on people's opinion about her now."
"Hmm ayoko na siyang pag-usapan. I really don't want to talk about her." I smiled at Lorie and she apologetically looked at me.
"Sorry tatahimik na ako." aniya at tinotoo niya naman ang sinabi. Hinayaan niya ako na makapagsulat hanggang sa matapos roon. Time pass by like a whirlwind. I didn't even notice that a month pass by. Sobrang bilis katulad ng kisap mata. We're starting to go in a hospital now.
Na-assign ako sa hospital na malapit lang rin sa school kaya hindi na naging mahirap sa akin. Narito rin si Henessy nagtratrabaho sa hospital na ito kaya sobrang saya ko na napunta rito. Kaso gabi ang schedule niya ngayon kaya hindi pa kami nagkikita. I'm just helping the doctor check the vitals of the patient. Ako na rin ang nagsusulat sa graph na hawak ko para sa report.
I am reviewing the grap I'm holding as I walk in the hallway. Abala ako sa pagtingin noon kaya hindi ko namalayan ang tao sa harap ko. Napasinghap ako ng aksidente kong mabangga ang isang lalaki sa braso. The phone his holding fall in the floor and my eyes widen.
"Naku! S-Sorry po!" nag-aalala kong sinabi at agad na pinulot ang phone. I sigh in relief as I didn't see a crack in the screen. I glance at the man and my nervous came back when I saw him wearing a suit. Mukhang mali pa yata ako ng nabangga.
Umayos ako ng tayo at inabot sa kanya ang phone. Nagkatinginan kami at mas lalo pa akong nanlamig ng makita ng mabuti ang istura niya. He look like a filthy rich business man and its so wrong to bump him and make his phone fall in the screen. Napapikit ako saglit.
"U-Uh pasensiya na Sir. Hindi ko po sinasadya. I'm so sorry." I bow down my head a bit to give him respect. I bit my lower lip and wait for his yell and insults but nothing slipped in his mouth. Dahan dahan akong nag-angat ng tingin.
Bahagyang nawala ang kaba ko ng makita ang gulat niyang ekspresyon. His eyes were widen a bit and his mouth parted. He's eyes glistened in threatening tears and softened. Nagtaka naman ako sa nakitang reaksiyon sa kanya. I was about to muttered an another apology when I was interrupted by someone.
"Sir pasensiya na po. Ang bilis niyo pong maglakad. Hindi ko po namalayan na nauna na po pala kayo." mabilis akong napabaling sa kung sino ang nagsalita at biglang dumagundong ang puso ko ng makita iyong lalaki na may edad na, na lumapit sa akin noong nakaraan sa school at nagsabi tungkol sa taong humahanap sa akin.
My mouth parted. The middle age man's eyes landed on me and his jaw dropped when our eyes met.
"E-Elysha." aniya at bumigat ang paghinga ko ng muling tumingin sa lalaki.
"S-Sir Luther." the name he called this man in front of me just make me confirm that he's really here now in front of me. My father. My eyes heated mirroring his. Nanginig ang hawak ko sa graph. My whole body shattered. I can't contain my pounding heart anymore.
"Is this really you now E-Elysha?" mas lalong lumala ang pagwawala ng sistema ko nang marinig ang pangalan mula sa tinig niya. My tears fall next to him. Titig na titig siya sa mukha ko at napapasinghap sa bawat limang segundo. Mukhang gulat na gulat at hindi makapaniwala.
"A-Are you my father?" tanong ko. Unaapaw na ang luha ngayon sa mga mata ko habang naninikip ang dibdib kasabay ng panlalambot noon.
"I am, Elysha. I am Luther Solorzano. Your Father." he smiled and I gasped. My lips quiver and I covered it on my hands to supress my sob.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ely. I'm so sorry I just realized my mistakes now. Pasensiya na ngayon lang dumating si Papa." sunod sunod na pumatak ang mga luha ko at napapikit ako nang kumawala ang mga luha sa akin. Nag-aalinlangan siya na lumapit sa akin pero mukhang hindi niya na nakayanan at kinulong ako sa mahigpit na yakap.
"Why did you left us? Do you know how hard is it for Mama to support me alone?" the pain is very evident in my voice and I feel his tears dropping in my shoulder. His chest is heaving because of his rapid breathing and I closed my eyes. Gusto ko siyang yakapin pabalik pero parang may pumipigil sa akin.
I admit that I am happy now seeing him. It was like I already find now the lost piece of a puzzle in my identity to complete it. Ilang taon na pakiramdam ko sa katauhan ko may kulang at ngayon ko lang napunan iyon. He embrace me tightly as I'm gasping for air. I can feel the bile in my throat.
My arms fell in my side because of weakness. Nanghihina ako sa nangyayari ngayon sa akin. Naghahalo ang sakit at saya sa loob ko.
"I'm sorry. Forgive me, please Elysha. I regret leaving you behind. Pinagsisihan ko na iyon. Maling mali ako. I'm s-sorry." his voice broke and I can feel his sincerity in his tone. Pero hindi pa rin mawawala ang sakit sa akin. Naalala ko si Mama at iyong pagkamatay niya na mag-isa lang akong nagdusa. Hindi ko siya sinisisi. I don't blame anyone.
But there's a part of me saying that if he's there that time, Mama won't leave me that early. He can do something if he just stay. But would I turn back the time now and change the outcome in the future? Paano kung naroon nga siya at kasama namin. Ganito pa rin ba ang kahahantungan ng buhay ko ngayon.
If Papa stay with us that time, will I met Karson? Will I have Lyle? Now my mind is battling to accept his apology and forgive him or ignored him. And I know to myself that I can't do the last option. He's my father and I love him. I won't ask Mama when I was a kid about his whereabouts if I didn't.
Hindi lang naging madali ang lahat para sa akin. Hindi rin madaling makalimutan ang nangyari.
"I already forgive you b-but I d-don't know if we can settle everything t-that easy." nanginig ang boses ko at ramdam ko ang pagtango niya sa akin.
"I understand, Elysha. I understand. I'm sorry. Please let me explain everything. I will compromised for the years I'm not with you to be a father."
Tumango na lang ako roon at niyakap rin siya pabalik. Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng balikat niya at ang paglala ng hikbi niya. I also saw the middle age man crying silently for us. I smiled at him and he smiled back.
Ang kamay ko ay nasa binti ko lang habang nasa loob kami ng isang high end resto. It was fancy and looking so elegant like where Karson brought me and Lyle usually. Hindi pa rin nagbabago ang pakiramdam ko sa lugar na ito. I'm still out of place. Naninibago pa rin ako at bahagyang hindi komportable.
We're in a two seater table. Tahimik lang ako at hindi alam kong ako ba ang magbubukas ng usapan habang pinapanood ang waiter na ilapag ang pagkain namin. The plating look so perfect and proportioned. Halatang halata na ang nagluto ay isang propesyonal na chef. They all look delicious and expensive.
For sure this food cost thousands. Halos magulat pa ako dahil medyo marami ang pagkain na nilalapag ng waiter. Nagkatinginan kami ni Papa. Ni hindi pa ako sanay na tawagin siya sa ganoon at hanggang isip ko lang.
"I'm sorry Elysha. I think I order too much food. I'm just tense. Don't worry we'll take out the left overs." aniya at marahan naman akong tumango.
"I don't mind P-Pa. Its fine." my voice shake when I called him that and I saw his eyes glistened again.
"Wine, Sir?" tanong ng waiter sa kanya at tumingin naman sa akin si Papa.
"Do you want wine, Elysha?"
"Uh yeah."
"Please give us wine." marahan na sinabi ni Papa at mabilis naman na tumango ang waiter at sinalinan na kami ng wine. Even the glass is shining in luxury. Walang mumurahin na gamit rito at lahat ay mamahalin.
"Thank you." Papa said as the water poured as wine. The waiter nodded and I nodded at him too.
"Let's eat. Huwag kang mahiya, Ely." marahan niyang tanong at tumango naman ako at hinawakan na ang mga kubyertos.
"I don't want to ruined our dinner but I don't want to break my promise to you that I'll explain."
"It's fine Pa. You won't ruined the dinner by explaining." I said and I smiled to assure him. Ngumiti rin naman siya at huminga ng malalim.
"I know you forgive me already but I want to say my apology again, Elysha. I was an asshole before that when I found that Elenor is pregnant I didn't accept it. I'm sorry Ely. I don't want to let go of my bachelor life in choosing a responsibility so I run away from her. I run away from you." my lips quiver on his words.
"H-Hindi po ba kayo nagdalawang isip na gawin iyon?" akala ko handa ko ng tanggapin ang kung ano mang salita o eksplenasyon na sasabihin niya pero hindi pa pala. It's still hard to hear the truth from him. Ang hirap.
"I do. I think twice before doing it but I was fooled by my family to not accept her. A-Alam mo ang pagkakaiba ng estado naming dalawa. My family doesn't like her that they even threatened me on losing my inheritance. Takot ako. Inaamin ko. I am a bastard, a coward for choosing money over the two of you." nabitawan ko ang kubyertos sa paliwanag niya. Napasinghap si Papa at kitang kita ko ang takot sa mga mata niya.
Afraid that I will runaway and leave him here. Ngayon hindi ko alam kung kaya ko nga ba iyong gawin. My hands shake and I'm holding back my tears.
"Does your conscience didn't even bother you? H-Hindi mo ba naisip ang tungkol sa akin n-na ganoon lang kadali sayong bitawan si Mama. H-Hindi ba sumagi sa isip mo na makita ako?"
"I want to see you but I was deprived by money and living in fortune. I d-dont know that Elenor suffered. I-Iyong nalaman niya ang desisyon na i-iwan ko siya, sinabi niyang magmamahal siya ng iba na hindi siya iiwan hindi katulad ko. I think that was the reason that really push me to the edge to done that mistake. When I found that she passed away, I was slap by the truth so hard. I realized everything and I almost end my life in regrets."
I flinched a bit when he hold my trembling hands. His tears fall and my chest heaved.
"Believe me Ely. If I can turn back the time, I will stay. I'm willing to lost everything for the two of you. Iyong nawala si Elenor. Doon ko napagtanto na wala akong ibang minahal na babae na totoo kundi siya lang. I met and flirt with girls but I only feel that deep emotion to her. I know that I am very too late and I lost your mother already. Pero kung ikaw ang nawawala sa akin hindi ko makakaya Ely. Patawarin mo ako. I can bend my knees to ask for your forgiveness."
"Bakit ngayon lang? Y-You have money to search. Bakit ngayon mo lang ako h-hinanap?" my voice broke as my tears stream down my cheeks. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko. Like his holding his strength and sanity.
"Matagal na kitang gustong hanapin. I already tried to search you ten years ago. Gustong gusto na kitang makita noon pa."
"P-Pero bakit ngayon lang, Pa?"
"I was diagnosed in a lung cancer ten years ago." napasinghap ako sa naging sagot niya. Lumamlam ang nga mata niya at namilog naman ang mga mata ko sa narinig na rebelasyon.
"L-Lung cancer?" I almost can't speak and he nodded and smiled at me weakly. I covered my mouth in shock.
"Yes, Ely. I think that's my karma for leaving you and Elenor behind when you need me. It was already stage four and I undergo into a medication. A long medication that I spent the five years of my life. I almost lost hope that I will still make it and find you. Iyong mga panahon na malapit na akong sumuko, ikaw ang nasa isip ko." he swallowed hard and cleared his throat. I can feel that his suppressing his sobbed now.
"I realized that if I'll surrender now. I won't say my apology to you. I won't make up for my sins. Malaki na nga ang kasalan ko ng iwan ko kaya madadagdagan ko pa kung mamatay ako ng hindi mo man lang ako makikilala. Gusto kong humingi ng tawad at pagbayaran lahat ng kasalanan ko. Gusto kitang makasama kung hahayaan ako ng tadhana. Then to my surprise I survive the cancer. I am a survivor Ely because of you." I sobbed and I feel so guilty for judging him and concluding things before I heard his explanation.
Nagulat siya sa ginawa kong paghikbi na napatingin sa amin ang ibang tao na nasa VIP area. Papa stood up and walk towards me. He locked me in his embrace and I cried more.
"Shhh I'm sorry Ely. I'm sorry. Hush." pagpapatahan niya sa akin habang marahan na hinuhuli ang ilang takas ng buhok ko na hinaharangan ang mukha ko. Sinilid niya iyon sa gilid ng tenga ko at tumingin sa akin. With regrets, sorrow, pain and relief in his eyes. It was like he's having a hard time to breath for those years and now he can finally breath in free.
"I'm sorry too, Papa. I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"Shhh you don't do anything so don't say sorry. Ako ang gumawa ng kasalanan rito kaya huwag kang humingi ng tawad."
"Y-You suffered too and not only me. Naiintindihan ko na ngayon, Papa." marahan niyang sinuklay ang buhok ko at ngumiti sa akin.
"I'm glad too that I make it and here I am now with you. Finally, I find my treasure now. I'm holding my goal now. For the past two years of searching for you finally here you are. We won't be apart Ely. Papa will stay here until my last breath and compromised for my sins to you. I love you, Ely." my heart pounded when I heard those words from him. Nag-init ang puso ko kasabay ng sabay sabay na pagpatak ng luha.
"I love you too Pa."
"Oh, sweetie you really look like your Mom. My bad that you only get my IQ, I think." he chuckled in his still raspy voice from crying and I chuckled too. I fee like floating when the heavy feelings in my chest vanish.
"Mom will curse you in heaven if she will hear this."
"Hmm I think she can't do that. Bad words are forbidden in heaven." he wink and I chuckled more as I wipe my tears. He help me. I wonder how we end up laughing now from our drama a while ago. But I think that's how a good conversation end.
Nang maayos na ako at huminahon ay bumalik na si Papa sa upuan niya at sinimulan na namin ang pagkain. Akala ko masasayang lang ito dahil sa usapan namin. I appreciate the delicious taste of every dishes. Mukhang makakain ako ng marami ngayon.
"Do you have someone with you now?" natigilan naman ako saglit sa tanong na iyon ni Papa. Marahan niya iyong tinanong sa akin at ngumiti. He's slicing his stake now.
"I h-have Dad. We h-have a son now." I answered and he stop slicing his stake as his eyes widen in surprise. My cheeks flushed as I smiled at him.
"Oh really? Where's my grandson. I want to see him!" I almost chuckled when his voice turn excited.
"He's in school now, Papa."
"School? How old is he now?"
"He just turned five few months ago." nakita ko namang bahagyang nalungkot si Papa sa naging sagot ko.
"I really miss a lot in the years I was sick. I wish I met you early so I can carry my grandson when he's a baby."
"Its fine Dad. I understand that you wait to gain your strength back before searching for me. For sure Lyle will be glad to see you!"
"Lyle? His name sound so handsome, Elysha. Manang mana sa Lolo." tumawa ako sa sinabi ni Papa at tumango.
"His name is Karlaisle Vhon Vicencio."
"Oh wow. I'm sure that he is really handsome. Gusto kong makita ang apo ko! Set a dinner for us!"
"Okay, Papa. I will tell him about you first." Papa eyes twinkle as he sipped his wine.
"Hmmm now I'm very excited to see him. I think I should ask the maid to clean the house for our dinner. Its been a long time since the house become noisy. It was always silent that I feel so alone." bahagyang nawala ang atensiyon ko kay Papa ng makita ang isang pamilyar na pigura sa hindi kalayuan.
Natigil ako sa pagkain kasabay ng pag-awang ng labi ko. Seeing her elegant dress, high stilleto, and her jewels that cost a fortune shining in delight as her skin, I can't be mistaken. I'm sure that I'm seeing Senyora Karlina, Karson's mother. I blink my eyes to confirm it. Her back is facing me so I can't see her face clearly.
I don't know why I suddenly become nervous. If she saw me here, I don't want her to pulled a scene and embarassed me in front of my father. But I think she won't even touch me. My father has a numerous bodyguard all over. So I'm safe.
"You're engage, Elysha?" my father gasped. Mabilis na nabalik ang atensiyon ko sa kanya. Ang mga mata niya ay nasa kanan kong kamay kung nasaan ang singsing at kusa naman akong napangiti.
"Opo, Papa."
"Wow! You're really surprising me! When is the wedding?" gulat na gulat niyang sinabi at hinawakan ang kamay ko para suriin ang singsing. Nag-init naman ang pisngi ko sa reaksiyon ni Papa.
"A-After my graduation, Papa."
"O-Oh! So you just have a short time to prepare! I want it grand Ely. I have money and I want to make it perfect for you. I won't let it turn simple." aniya at halos magulat pa ako.
"P-Papa. Nakakahiya."
"Huwag kang mahiya. I can give you all the things I have now. My properties and all of my luxury things to you. Sponsoring your wedding is not a big deal." aniya at sumulyap muli ako kung saan ko nakita ang Señorita at kumunot ang noo ng makita na wala na siya roon.
"I should talk with your husband Elysha. To plan this wedding." aniya at halos mapakamot ako sa pisngi. Hindi pa nga kami nagsisimulang magplano at mukhang mas sabik pa si Papa pero hinayaan ko na lang.
"You look so happy. Something happened." Karson kiss my forehead as he pick me up in the hospital. I was tired in the hospital but all of that faded when I talk to Papa and welcomed by his kisses after.
"Hmmm. I am so happy." sagot ko sa kanya at nakita sa likod ng sasakyan si Lyle na tulog na. My heart flutter. Wala na agad ang pagod ko. Ang bilis talagang maglaho niyon kapag ganito ang sasalubong sa akin sa bawat pag-uwi ko.
I want to tell Karson about meeting my father when we get home and not here. Mukhang hindi kasi magandang pagusapan rito at gusto kong sa bahay na lang.
"How are you? How's your work?" I ask when he start the engine.
"Fine. I decided to give up my place." I stunned hearing his answer.
"W-What?" I said in surprise and he smiled at me. He look so exhausted and I feel so guilty suddenly.
"Karson..."
"I already tell you that I can give up everything when it comes to you and Lyle. I don't want my mother to hold me in my neck by staying at the company. Hindi iyon mangyayari kaya iiwan ko na ang puwesto."
"But you're needed in the company!" I countered, still shock on his words. Hindi ko gusto ang pamamaliit ng Mama niya sa akin pero ayaw ko rin namang iwan niya iyon at masira ang relasyon nilang dalawa.
"I'm willing to help but my Mom really push me at edge to do that. I don't want her to bother us anymore so for our peace, I decide to let go of it. Don't worry. I can still start, Elysha. I own an another business and I can make it on top again." he hold my hand to assured me but I can't help to be worried and guilty. I know he's a prodigy so its not a doubt that he can make it again but I don't know if I should agree in his decision.