I am so sick of my marriage. I am, that I wake up with no purpose and no smile on my face. It's like I am dead on the inside. I remember being in my twenties, so positive and enthusiastic about everything. The sky was really the limit for me and it still is but I just seem to have lost my purpose. Being trapped in my loveless marriage, makes me lose myself every day. Yesterday at the beach, I was thinking about everything and nothing and most importantly, the fastest way to get myself out of my marriage. And here I was in my office, lost in my thoughts again.
I started feeling pain in my lower abdomen. The doctor told me it's normal during the second trimester of pregnancy but it doesn't make the pain any less. I decided to go home so I lie down because it's not getting better even after half an hour. It was midday and Laura had gone to see her mother so I will be home all alone and I liked the idea. I parked my car in the driveway, didn't have time to put it in the garage.
The house was quiet in a way that I liked so I headed up to my room. As I walked past Evan's room, which used to be our room, the door opened and Evan came out.
He was shirtless and he froze the moment he saw me. "Liz, you are home?" he said and he looked shocked like I don't live here. Something was up with him and I had no idea what. "Whose home?" a female voice came from inside the room and my face changed instantly. Suzanne appeared by the door, wearing Evan's shirt and she had shock written all over her face as well. I had no idea what to do or say. He brought her to my house and into my bed. The bed that he and I shared not too many months ago.
I didn't even realize I was crying until I see a tear falling. "I want both of you out of my house. You couldn't even wait till I move out? You have got to be kidding me! Nothing is stopping me from divorcing you right now. Absolutely nothing Evan!" I shouted as I threw my handbag at him with every strength I had in me. Of course, he caught it. I walked away from them towards my room but not before I told them to get the hell outta my house. I went into my room and removed my shoes. I was ready to lie down but I wasn't going to let this go.
I am not going to keep crying about things and let them go anymore, it's what I have done up to now and it made Evan bring that b*tch to my house and into my bed. I went to the garage, took some gasoline and a lighter, and went into the room I found them. They were inside getting dressed and I ignored them and took all the sheets from the bed, put them on the carpet, and set them on fire. I watched them burn for a while and decided to pour gasoline on the bed as well. I wanted to burn the bed as well, or maybe the whole room, I wasn't even thinking at the moment. Evan took the gasoline bottle from me, and asked, "What is going on with you Liz. You want to burn the whole house?"
"Only if you and your girlfriend are to die in that fire. This is my bed, Evan. Even if we don't sleep in it together anymore it doesn't give you the right to bring another woman into it. What the hell is wrong with you? I am burning the bed and if you want it, you can get it out of my house, just know it's not staying in my house." I said taking the gasoline from him and continuing my work. Evan went out and came back with a fire extinguisher but that didn't stop me, I still set the damn bed on fire which he put out after a minute or two.
It felt good until I realized Suzanne was still here. "What the hell are you still doing in my house?" I asked her. She didn't reply she just smiled. I felt like she was mocking me. "If you ever get married, I hope the same things happen to you. So you know how it feels." I continued. If I wasn't pregnant, I would have beaten the crap out of her even though she wasn't worth it.
"Evan, can we leave now?" Suzanne asked sounding impatient. Oh, you have got to be kidding me right now. Who the heck was she and who did I ever wrong for her to show on my doorstep. I looked at them, waiting for what Evan's reply was going to be. "No Suzanne, you go ahead. I have something to do here," he said. Suzanne left immediately after that and the sound of her heels clicking on the floor was making my headache worse. "Why didn't you go with her. I would have gladly packed you a suitcase." I said. He looked at me and shook his head while putting the fire extinguisher down. "And leave you to burn the whole house down? Not a chance! Should you even be using gasoline while pregnant?" he asked.
"Should you be bringing another woman into my house and my bed while I am pregnant?" I fired back.
He didn't answer and I didn't expect him to. Time passed by and I decided to head to my room and rest. "You have to understand Liz, she was my first love and those feelings don't just go away," he said before I reached the door. I guess that was the explanation and justification I got as to why he cheats. Not what I expected at all. Understand my foot!
"So if I was to go back to my first love while married to you, you would just understand? Or do you just overestimate my level of understanding? What do I have to understand here? Let's just get a divorce so you go back to your first love. You still have feelings for her and yet you don't want to give me a divorce. How greedy are you? I will understand the moment you start understanding that I will not be your second option. As you said, those feelings don't just go away, so why am I still here? Why are we still married? I had a life before you met me Evan and I sure as hell don't need you. The earlier we go our separate ways, the better. You have to understand that Evan." I said. I said the last statement the same way he said it in my attempt to mock him. I left for my room immediately after that. I needed to rest and pretend this never happened before Laura gets home. Turns out there's one thing I hated more than my marriage, and it's putting up an act. That act got me where I am right now and trust me when I tell you it's not the best place to be.
When Laura got back, the first thing she asked was what happened to the room. Before Evan could answer, I told her that her dad went nuts and burned the room. I didn't say it exactly like that, because Laura is a kid but it was very evident that that was what I was implying. I glared at Evan, expecting him to say something but he didn't. Looks like he did agree that he is nuts. I asked Laura to give me a hand in cooking dinner as it was getting late. We left Evan in the living room, having no idea why he was still at home if Suzanne was expecting him to go with her earlier.
We finished cooking dinner and set the table for two. I didn't know if Evan was still home so I didn't include him in the dinner plans. Laura left the dining room for a while and I knew she went to check if her father was still home. She came back minutes later with disappointment written all over her face. I will give anything to change that look into a happier one but there was absolutely no way I could help her.
We ate dinner in silence because I knew nothing I say will make her feel any better. The following day is going to be a Friday and I can't wait for the weekend. I have dinner with my friends on Sunday after Rose and Erastus come back from her parent's house on Saturday. I have been busy, or let me say we have all been busy since the last time they came to my house and surprised me so I was really happy. Laura is stuck at home alone tomorrow but I am sure she will find something to do. Laura said she will clean up the kitchen so I headed to my room because I was tired. That's what I hate most about being pregnant, even the littlest of things make you tired.
Saturday came fast and I woke up in the middle of the day. I don't know why I am still tired even after sleeping for so many hours. I dragged myself into the shower and stayed there longer than I was expecting to. I got downstairs and ran into Evan coming home. "In my defense, you burned my sheets and my bed so I had nowhere to sleep.," he said putting his hands up. I didn't say a word and headed to the kitchen. I was hungry. I found Laura there standing next to the stove and next to her was a stack of burned and very bad pancakes. I could not help but laugh and took over.
"In my defense, I tried." She said putting her hands up the very same way Evan did. It was kind of creepy. A creepy type of like father like daughter. I threw away all the pancakes she made and taught her how to make better ones. She picked it up pretty quickly. Weirdly, it's almost lunchtime but we are still busy making breakfast. I guess this is what we call very late brunch. Evan joined us and we all ate together. At least we don't have to cook lunch. anymore. If one is hungry then we can just order.
In the evening, I started feeling immense pain in my lower abdomen. Not the normal pain I am used to because I can take that because all I need to do is lie down. This time it was worse that I couldn't even walk much less drive to the hospital. I was in pain and the fear of losing my baby clouded my thoughts. I didn't even know what to do or who to call. I was on my way to my room when I fell on the floor and hit the door with a loud bang. Laura came out to see what was going on and I asked her to bring me my phone. I dialed Evan's number, but he wasn't picking up. I tried over and over again but he sent the calls straight to voicemail.
I was devastated and in pain. The next thing I know, I was bleeding. Nothing good happens when bleeding is involved. I felt like crying because I cannot afford to lose my baby. My vision started getting blurry and I could hear Laura talking on the phone with someone, but I couldn't make out who it was. Then everything went black.
Later on, I am waking up. I slowly opened my eyes and realized that I was in the hospital. I looked around and found Erastus sitting next to me. "What happened?" I asked Erastus who didn't have a good look on his face. "You are awake. Let me call the doctor," he said avoiding my question. "What happened Erastus. Tell me what happened and how I ended up here. What's wrong with me?" I repeated the question but Erastus was already opening the door to leave. He turned to look at me but didn't say a word but just left.
I had a feeling something was going on with me but I didn't know what. The doctor entered with Erastus later and Laura entered a few minutes later and stay on my bed beside me. "Mrs. Danielson, good that you are awake. Do you feel any pain?" Dr. Whitney asked. I was so worried at the moment that I had no idea if I was feeling any pain. "Doctor, what's wrong with me?" I asked unknowingly ignoring her question. "Nothing is wrong with you Liz. You are fine," she said. "And my baby?" I asked again.
Everyone in the room fell silent. They all looked at each other and kept quiet again. I could already feel my heart breaking all over again, but this time it was ten times worse. "I'm sorry, but the baby is gone. You lost the baby before you got to the hospital." Dr. Whitney said. I didn't want to hear anything from her anymore. No wonder Erastus didn't want to say anything. He knew but he didn't want to be the one to tell me. I looked around, and everyone was looking at me. I took my blanket, covered my face, and started and cried my heart out.
I don't know for how long I cried or if someone was still in my room. I didn't have the strength to say anything or do anything or to check if I was alone. I just felt like crying. That was the only thing I had the courage and the strength to do.
Half an hour later I finally stopped. I was glad to realize that I was alone. I dried my face up and at that time, someone entered. I turned to realize that it was Evan. I didn't even want to look at him. "How are you feeling?" he asked. I sat back on my bed and just think if I had the energy or answer to that question. I have let things slide for a long time now. I don't speak up, I just keep quiet and let things go and they never get solved.
"You are asking me that question? How do you think I feel? I lost the only good thing that came out of my marriage. You were the first person I called after I felt sick, but you didn't pick up. I called over and over again until you started to send the calls to voicemail. You want to know what hurts me the most, is the fact that if I got to the hospital earlier, the baby would still be alive. I don't even know why I called you first. You took everything from me. So just get out. I don't want to see you anymore. Just get out." I said. "Liz please, just hear me..."
"Just get the hell out. Get out!" I interrupted him screaming at the top of my lungs and threw one of my pillows at him. Erastus came in through the door. "Just leave her alone Evan. Don't make me regret calling you here," he said taking Evan out. He later came back into the room. "Liz I am so sorry I called him. Laura told me you tried to call him before so I thought you wanted him here," he said. He looked at me as if expected me to say something. He continued, "Anyway, the doctor said you can go home."
I laughed hearing that and said, "I don't even have a home to go to. I am not going back to that place I call my house."