"I just cannot believe you wouldn't tell me," I sigh, but it turns into a disbelieving laugh as I shake my head and sigh, completely exasperated. "And Lucy! I would never have expected this from Lucy."
Zach cringes, still looking apologetic. "It was Lucy's idea. We thought... She thought," he corrects himself, "it'd be best. Kim was already feeling bad about not including you in the wedding party. They didn't want you to feel left out."
"Zach," I say, pressing my palms together, half-smiling as I look up at him from my spot on the edge of the bed, "believe me, I could not be happier to have not been included in a weekend of putting together wedding favours and centrepieces. I just can't believe you guys wouldn't tell me she was in the building. Or that Jeremy bloody came by and didn't bring us any food! We could've got him to do it, instead of sending Laura out for us. I can't be that much of a bitch, can I?"
He gives me a fond smile. "You're not a bitch, Serena."
"Wow, that is a turnaround from your attitude a few days ago. Well done us! Communicating, clearing the air!"
"From the sounds of it, just as well you weren't there. Kim went off on one."
"Oh, yeah, I know. Lucy told me that part. Apparently she outed the maid of honour, too. Even though we all already know Liv's gay."
Zach blinks at me, owlish through his glasses. "Wait, what?"
My stomach lurches.
"Oh my God, please tell me you already knew that."
He looks at me, lips parted, eyebrows knit together, and I let out an awkward, breathy groan, grimacing, because wow, I did not just out the poor girl as well...
And then Zach grins, winking at me. "Course I bloody knew."
I lean off the bed, reaching to swat at his arm as he laughs. "Don't do that! You bloody tease."
He pushes me back playfully, and as I settle back onto the bed, he goes back to looking through the wardrobe, picking out another shirt and folding it up carefully, smoothing it out before placing it into his bag.
It's just a couple of weeks, I remind myself, watching him.
It's... for the best.
We were up all night on Wednesday, talking. It was four in the morning before we fell asleep, both of us so tired we slept on top of the covers on the bed, side by side and not even having changed into our pyjamas.
I guess, to be fair to Zach, my explosion on the weekend did come kind of out of nowhere... But he didn't argue with the fact that he should have his own opinions on what he wanted our future to look like, and that it was fair for me to expect that from him.
As it turns out though, that's not the kind of thing you can figure out with a single late night conversation.
And it turns out that even now we'd cleared the air and started talking, we're still pretty snappy with each other. Like we've been like that with each other for so long, it's a habit we can't suddenly break now.
So it's for the best, we both decided. It was actually Zach's decision – for a change. He'll go stay with Jeremy for a couple of weeks. Just to give us both space, and give him the chance to really think about what he wants.
I don't think I'd care that much if he told me he was really against getting married. If he thought it wasn't worth the money and the extravagance, and he didn't 'get' the whole ceremony when it just boiled down to a contract, and couldn't we just get one of those instead. I could live with that. If he said he didn't want to stay in the city – well, that would be okay, I guess. We could find a compromise and work that out. I couldn't compromise so much on kids, though – that doesn't seem to have so much grey area.
It's not like I want to break up, really.
I love Zach. And maybe it took this huge fight for me to really remember that, but I do. I want to be with him.
I just want him to figure out what he wants.
At least now, though, Zach gets that. And he knows he needs some space to work it all out.
"Have you seen my black jeans?" he asks, rifling through a drawer. "The ones with –"
"They're on the radiator in the hall. You spilled pesto on them the other night, remember?"
He snaps his fingers at me, nodding, and goes to get them, folding them carefully and adding them to his bag. I watch him packing, going through a mental checklist in my head.
"Got your laptop charger?"
"Yeah."
"And your prescription sunglasses?"
"Yes."
"And your nasal spray? You know your hayfever's going to be way worse out at Jeremy's place."
"Yeah – no. Shoot, I forgot that. Thanks."
He rifles through the top drawer of the dresser looking for it.
"You left it on the balcony."
"Thanks."
I wander out of the bedroom after him, lingering in the lounge and spotting all the places his stuff is missing. His Kindle's vanished from the coffee table, along with his laptop and headphones. The flat's going to feel so empty without him around, I realise now, even if it's not for long – and even if I'm desperate for a little space, too.
I scrape my hands back through my hair, stomach tying itself into knots.
God, I really don't want us to have to break up.
I really don't.
And if I could, I'd tell him not to go, I'd tell him none of this mattered and that we could forget all about it, but... well, it does matter. Maybe not right now, maybe not in a year, but at some point, it's all going to matter, and it's not something I can just forget about. We can't just move on; for better or worse, we need to figure out how to move through this.
Zach skirts past me, saying offhandedly, "What if we got a small dog, though? Like, a cat-sized one. I could forgo the Golden Retriever for a little dog."
"Oh, and you'd walk it and pick up the poops?"
"More than I'd be cleaning out cat litter," he scoffs, nose wrinkling. "And one that wouldn't shed."
I'm about to argue with him over how much more work dogs must be, but stop myself. He's trying, I remind myself. And it's not like I don't like dogs, or anything...
I can't help the way I purse my lips, frowning at him. "Just please promise me you're not going to do something ridiculous like adopt a dog while you're gone."
"I would never," he says, looking affronted, holding a hand to his chest. When I raise my eyebrows at him, he averts his eyes, mouth twisting up on one side as he mumbles, "You know we're not allowed pets in this building anyway."
I've never been so glad for the rule: I honestly wouldn't put it past Zach to do something like find some adorable little cat-sized mutt at a dog shelter, bringing it back with him and holding it up next to his face, giving me his own set of puppy-dog eyes and winning me over with this adorable little monster, like it'll help fix all the cracks in our relationship instead of making things worse.
He would absolutely do something like that.
And then I'd have ended up getting horribly attached to the dog and it would've been some crazy custody battle situation to try and figure out which of us got to keep the dog if we did end up breaking up. Like we didn't have enough shit to work through already.
Zach finishes getting all his stuff together. He carries his bag and backpack into the hallway, setting them down with a sigh and then looking at me, his eyes wide and sad, his mouth downturned. His hair is a mess.
"Well," he says.
"Yeah," I whisper.
I don't want him to go.
I don't want this to be over.
"It's just a week or two," he says, like he's reading my mind.
I nod, afraid that if I open my mouth, my voice will wobble and I'll start crying.
Is this how it ends?
Zach sighs again, and steps towards me, enveloping my stiff body in a warm hug. I bury my face in his shoulder, inhaling the scent of his cologne like I might never smell it again, which I know is silly even as I do it. He kisses the top of my head then steps back, holding me at arm's length.
"I love you. You know that, right?"
I nod, sniffling. Shit, I am crying. Brilliant. "Yeah. Yeah, I know. I love you too."
"I'm just, um... I'll call Jeremy. See how much longer he's going to be."
I shake my head. "Take the car, Zach."
"No. No, you might need it. It's fine. I can borrow Jeremy's."
"Don't be so silly. I can walk to the shops from here, and it's not like I'm driving into the office right now or anything. You'll need the car to get back for work."
It's going to be a long commute for him, but Zach was adamant that he'd leave, rather than me going back to my parents', or asking Laura if I could stay with her and her parents. He's always been sweet like that. Selfless. Wanting to make life easier for everyone else. But it is only for a little while, and I really can cope without the car for a couple of weeks. Jeremy's already on his way, to pick up Kim; the plan had been for Zach to go with them.
I get the car keys off the hook near the door, pressing them into his hand. "Take the car, Zach."
He's ready to argue, but sees me smiling at him, and shakes his head, giving in. I grab his backpack, and the two of us step out of the flat for the first time in a week. Mr Harris, the caretaker who's been keeping us all under careful lock and key all week, barks at us to, "Keep your distance, folks. Six feet, remember? Not having this bloody place being shut down again already."
We hang back a little from the older lady who's roughly our parents' age leaving the building. She tries to hold the door for us before we all realise that'll compromise the whole social distancing rule, so there's an awkward back and forth before she gives us an apologetic shrug and lets the door go.
Outside, we stand out of the way on a patch of grass, facing each other again.
"Can I –" Zach cuts himself off, biting his lip and frowning down at the floor. I wait, and eventually he takes a deep breath and tries again, "Can I call you, later?"
"Yeah. Yes. Please. I'd like that."
"I promise I'm going to take this seriously," he tells me, and he looks more sincere than I've ever seen him. There's a gravity about him I'm not used to. "I'm really going to think about all of this. Us. Our future. If we have one, what I want it to look like. I want us to make this work, Serena."
"Me too. I just... don't want it to work in a way you're just... settling for, or don't really want."
He nods. "Yeah. Yeah, I know. Well, I'll – I'll call you later. And I'll see you in a week or so."
Even if it's just to move out for good, seems to go unsaid, but we both know that might end up being the reality of it.
I step towards Zach to hug him again, and kiss his cheek before we part. "I'll see you soon. Drive safe."
We both hesitate for a moment, but then Zach gives me a last smile, and heads off to the car park around the side of the building, and it's suddenly hard to breathe.
Watching him go, I don't feel as sad as I did upstairs, I realise. I'm scared, sure, but... If anything – I feel... kind of hopeful. At the very least, peaceful. This is the right thing, for both of us, however it turns out.
"Hey, Serena!"
I turn around, spotting Isla from down the hall waving to me from a little way off. She walks toward me, careful to keep a distance. She's in her slippers and a boy's hoodie, and folds her arms over her chest. She's not wearing makeup – which, I realise, is the first time I've ever seen her not all done up. She's got freckles, and a couple of spots on her chin, and she gives me a sympathetic smile, nodding her head in Zach's direction.
"Was that Zach just leaving?"
"Um, yeah. He's going to stay with his brother for a little while. Just... um..."
"I – I heard you guys arguing, earlier this week," she tells me, her cheeks flushing as she admits it. "Did you sort it all out?"
Oh, God, I hate that the neighbours all heard us arguing.
I really hope they don't think it was just about the pineapple pizza.
I'd sort of hoped that Ethan, Laura's now-future-brother-in-law, and his balcony proposal with his girlfriend, had stolen all our thunder.
"We didn't break up," I say, not sure why I have to justify myself to Isla. Our relationship is mostly just liking each other's Instagram posts, and I picked up her post for her one time when she was on holiday. "Just... working through some stuff, you know."
She nods, her smile brightening a little. "I'm glad to hear it. I hope it's – well, I hope you two... work through it."
"Thanks."
"If you want someone to talk to," she says, "we can always sit out here with a drink one day. If you wanted an impartial opinion, or whatever."
"Uh..."
I don't know if Isla's just after some gossip, or what, but she looks so sweet when she asks that I realise maybe she's just a little lonely – and even though we can like, actually leave the building now, it's not like we can really go very far or socialise much; the rules have all changed so drastically in this last week we've been in lockdown.
I guess it wouldn't hurt to have another friend to hang out with, or talk to about some of this stuff. Especially someone impartial, like she is. (Plus, I'd love to know more about this guy she's been talking about on her Instagram all week. I had no idea she had a serious boyfriend.)
So I smile, and say, "Sure. Yeah, I'd really like that."
At the very least – it might take my mind of Zach, and keep me sane.
I miss him already.