Chapter 25 Part 2
"He's trippin / She's trippin / And we both be trippin and / That's the way love works out sometimes" Toni Braxton - Trippin'
-1 week later-
Mama went back home for a few days to spend time with my father. It was hard being alone but Rick visited daily. He came everyday after work. He'd usually arrive around 7pm then leave at 5am.
I came clean to him about the Joe situation. He thought Joe was under the impression that he was the father. Rick was adamant about not wanting Rocky around him. I calmed his worries by telling him that we weren't even on speaking terms. I lied and said that the only reason why he was at my apartment was because he was dropping off more of my stuff. I knew he didn't believe me but he didn't press this issue.
So far, one week of co-parenting was tolerable. Other than the Joe conversation we didn't speak about things that didn't involve our daughter. In fact, we didn't speak. I made sure to pump before he arrived so I could sleep and he could have bonding time with Rocky.
I pulled into the parking lot of Walmart just as Rocky let out a loud cry. I knew by the extra tenderness in my breast, that it was time to feed her. Shutting off the car, I went into the back seat and situated my clothes.
"It's okay," I cooed, carefully unbuckling her from the car seat. After I positioned her, she latched on quickly. My baby loved to eat.
Relaxing in the seat, I mentally reviewed the long list of things I needed to accomplish before I returned to work in two weeks. Laundry was the biggest task. No- finding childcare would be the biggest task.
I didn't trust too many people with my baby but at the same time, I didn't have enough money to be too selective.
"You might have to come to work with me." Rocky raised her hand, covering the side of her face. Her movements at this age weren't intentional but I still felt like she was shutting me out. "I hope you grow out of that." She closed her eyes while sucking.
We spent ten more peaceful minutes before going into the store. I carried Rocky in my arms since I didn't have a stroller. We were only there to pick up one quick thing.
Heading to the bakery section, I scanned the collection of birthday cakes. I wanted something simple but not plain. Preferably, involving the color blue somewhere. Spotting a small marble cake with butter cream frosting, I asked the baker to write 'happy birthday daddy' on it.
"Elle!" I turned around searching for the voice that had said my name.
JJ came running toward me giggling and hugged my waist. He'd gotten so much taller since the last time I'd seen him. Using one arm, I gently hugged him back.
"JJ what did I tell you about running away from me," Maxine fussed, walking up to us. She hesitated for a moment when she saw me.
"Ma," he whined. "I see Elle!"
Catching his hand, she pulled him away from me. "Hey," she greeted with an uncomfortable smile. I could really see the resemblance between JJ and Maxine when they stood next to each other. It looked like he got all her genes. They shared the same hazel eyes, dark curly hair and light skin.
"Hi," I smiled back.
"I missed you so much." JJ beamed.
"Aw I miss you too."
"Will you come back over Daddy's house to play again?" His hazel eyes lit up in hope. My mouth opened then closed.
"Ms. Elle is really busy right now," Maxine helped. I sent her a thank you with my eyes.
"Oh," his shoulders dropped.
"But maybe one day we can have a playdate," I suggested and Maxine nodded. I breathed a sigh of relief seeing JJ's eyes light up again.
"Yay!" he cheered loudly. He gave me another hug then started looking through the cupcakes. I expected Maxine to walk away but she took a step closer instead.
Acting like I didn't notice, I looked behind the counter to see if the baker was finished with the cake.
"She's beautiful," Maxine complimented.
"Thank you."
She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry about what happened with Joe." I eyed her suspiciously. JJ wasn't paying us attention. He was an arms reach away poking the wrapped honey buns. She cleared her throat before continuing; "He gets wild when he drinks. He tends to get a bit physical even with a little bit of alcohol in his system. Aside from that flaw he really is a great man. Amazing actually."
Why was she telling me this?
"...Joe and I speak everyday. We were friends for a long time before getting married. I can tell when he really cares for another person." I raised my hand to cut her off but she kept speaking. "Let me finish. We all make mistakes. I don't know how much he's told you but it's partially my fault that he is the way he is."
She stepped even closer lowering her voice. "Joe's someone you want in your life. Don't make the same mistake I did." She patted my shoulder then walked away with JJ trailing happily behind her.
Shaking my head, I disregarded everything she said. I didn't know why she would even tell me that when they were messing around while I was living with Joe. Wouldn't she want him for herself? And if she were on some freaking stuff, I wanted no parts of that.
Rocky whined then scrunched her face. I was too busy admiring how much she looked like Rick to notice the strong smell emitting from her diaper.
"Are you serious?"
We were only supposed to be out of the house for a quick trip. I left the baby bag at home. Feeling warmness on my arm, I shifted Rocky seeing, poop seeping from the side of her onesie. She'd even gotten some on my t-shirt. Since all I'd dressed her in was a pink onesie, the mess was spreading everywhere.
Running around Walmart, I made use of the clearance racks. I found a $2 infant outfit, $5 pack of newborn diapers, $3 pack of travel wipes. I knew the birthday cake cost $12 and I had $30 in the bank.
Using baby wipes, I scrubbed the shit stain off my t-shirt. Rocky fell asleep on the changing table while I cleaned her mess and her clothes. Her soiled clothing went straight in the garbage. After I finished, I washed my hands thoroughly then followed with hand sanitizer. I got the cake from the bakery then hightailed it home before Rocky ruined another outfit.
* * *
Sitting on the living room floor, my heart thumped nervously. It was 8pm. He wasn't here with me. Déjà vu hit me strong.
Like a fool, I cooked.
Like a fool, I showered and got dressed.
Like a fool, I had birthday cake.
Badly, I craved the taste of a smooth wine to coat my throat. Anything to numb the longing feeling that consumed me.
He was never later than 7, maybe 7:15 but always here long before 8pm. So why tonight? I felt so stupid for trying. I didn't even know what made me buy a cake. I just thought...
I thought about first steps but I was an idiot. Lightly, I rocked the baby to pacify her. She'd been crying for the past half hour. She could feel his absence. It was everything I didn't want to happen. Easily I had begun to depend on him again. It only took a week to be let down.
Laying the baby on the floor, I held my head in my hands. Involuntarily, I was reliving a nightmare. Was he purposely trying to hurt me? No, he wouldn't do that.
Would he?
Rocky screamed louder. I placed my hand on her stomach but she continued to cry. I didn't have enough strength to console both of us. It may have been wrong but I left her crying on the floor and went into the kitchen.
I searched all my cabinets, looking for bottles I knew weren't there. Anything at this point would be nice. Settling for tap water, I drank glass after glass until my throat would no longer swallow. Still, I pushed, forcing more liquid into my system.
Water doesn't help me forget. Water doesn't change reality. I splashed some cold water on my face and took deep breaths.
I can do this...I can do this...
Passing Rocky on the floor, I went to my bedroom and changed into a big t-shirt. Pulling my hair up into a messy bun, I used wipes to take the make-up off my face. I left my room and prepared to take care of my daughter.
"What happened?" I jumped hearing his voice. Usually, I can hear the door opening but today I must have missed it. I had another key made from the landlord just so Rick always had access.
Scooping up Rocky, he calmed her right down, then placed her into her bouncer. "Did something happen?" he asked again, sitting on the couch. I shook my head. Rick sighed and raked his fingers through his hair.
"Where were you?" I asked.
"At work."
"I didn't think you were coming.'
"Why wouldn't I come?" Staring in his eyes, I waited for him to comprehend without me having to state the obvious. He stared back, his green eyes completely blank.
"Happy birthday by the way."
Exhaling, I saw the realization on his face. "Oh..." He didn't owe me an explanation since we were no longer together.
I went to the kitchen to make him a plate. Mama hooked me up with groceries before she left, so I cooked Rick's favorite dinner.
He smiled and thanked me when I laid the plate of steak and mashed potatoes with gravy in front of him. Going back to the kitchen, I brought out the birthday cake along with a bottle of water.
Rick laughed after reading the message written in icing. "Thank you, Sweets." He pulled Rocky's bouncer closer to where he was sitting so he could kiss her cheek. "Thank you Rocky." She cooed making us both chuckle.
"You're welcome..." I glanced around the living room. Normally, I went straight to bed after he came. "Hope you like it." Rubbing my arm, I decided to go to my room.
"Have dinner with me." Turning back around, I started to decline but then he added, "For my birthday."
I made myself a small plate before dragging a chair out of the kitchen so I could sit down across from him. The food tasted okay but I'd gotten spoiled from eating my mom's cooking. Plus, all the water I drank was still on my stomach. Looking up, I grinned seeing how Rick was devouring the food.
"Would you like some more?"
He nodded with his mouth full. I got up and made him another plate. Rick wasted no time digging into his second portion while still eating what was left on his first plate. Parenthood came naturally to him as he pushed on the bouncer with one hand and stuffed himself with the other.
I watched, slightly envious of his effortless ability to juggle this situation. I was grateful to have him here with me. With us. The little family that we had created was around a table quietly celebrating his birthday. I spent nearly a grand, last year, trying to produce the happiness I currently saw in him.
He smiled when he caught me watching. There were no words during our meal but it was a comfortable silence.
"I got stuck in traffic," he explained. "I should have called." I pushed the food around on my dish, not knowing what to say. I'd foolishly jumped to conclusions. But we were both learning how to be around each other again.
"How was your day?" I asked, changing the subject.
Rick shrugged. "Alright. You?"
"Rocky pooped on me in Walmart." Rick almost choked from laughing. He swallowed then sipped some water. "I had to hold her since I don't have a stroller and some poop came out her onesie."
"You need a stroller? I'll pick one up tomorrow on my way here from work."
My heart swelled a bit before I calmed myself down. "No, it's okay. I could have prevented it if I had put pants on her."
"Elle," he groaned. "Make sure she wears pants and socks outside the apartment. We don't want her to catch a cold."
"It's the end of July, I seriously doubt she'll get sick."
"I was reading an article about how it's easier for babies to get pneumonia than it is for adults." I tried not to but a tiny giggle escaped. "I'm serious."
"I know," more giggles slipped. "I'm sorry. Pants and socks from now on."
We finished eating, making small talk mostly about little meaningless things. We kept topics light easing our way back into conversations. Afterward, I cleared the table and washed the dishes.
Oh crap, I slapped my forehead realizing that I forgot to pump some milk for the night. All my equipment was in the kitchen on the drying rack from having been washed earlier in the day.
Dropping my polo shirt on the floor, I held the pump up to my boobs and turned on the machine. I leaned my back against the counter while the automatic suction collected milk. I usually did this while watching a YouTube video or something on my phone but my phone was in my bedroom so I tapped my toes against the flooring in boredom.
"Whoa s-sorry," Rick stammered, covering his eyes with his hands "I wanted to put this in the trash." He held up an empty water bottle. I flipped the machine off and picked up my shirt to cover my stomach.
"Ma turns them in so put it on the counter." He inched forward hesitantly. "You can uncover your eyes." He removed his hand but kept his eyes on the floor as he placed the bottle on the counter.
On his way out the kitchen, he peeked over his shoulder. "Get out!" I squealed.
"Sorry," he held up his hands. "Being pregnant gave you nice boobs though."
Rolling my eyes, I laughed. "Thanks."
When I finished pumping, I let Rick know I had a little milk in the refrigerator and to wake me if he needed more. He signaled me over to me. Joining him on the couch, I crossed my legs waiting for him to speak.
"About tonight," he paused, sighing.
"It's fine, forget about it." I started raising from the couch but stopped when Rick caught hold of my hand.
"I'll remember to call next time." He squeezed my hand gently. Gazing at our contrasting intertwined fingers, I struggled to keep my emotions out of this. We were not lovers. We were co-parents.
I didn't want to confuse the two.
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