The traffic was absolutely hopeless, as was the rain. Mihir turned on the windshield wiper; as he stretched in his seat and attempted a rough assessment of the jam before. It was going to take at least a half hour for the car to get to the Sea Link; which would be a completely empty and beautiful route. But at the end of it; the moment his car would swerve for the suburbs of the city; he was well aware of the second stretch of traffic that he was going to see.
Mihir let out a sigh.
"I'm the one who has left their five year old daughter with a neighbour and you are the one getting restless." Adrija quipped; after a whole ten minutes of pin, drop silence.
"Are you sure Pritha will be okay?" Mihir found himself ask as a reflex.
She nodded positively, "Pritha has always been comfortable at Archana's place. I'd get late from work some times and she'd stay there with no complaints whatsoever. She especially loves spending time with their German Shepherd."
Mihir smiled, "Pritha likes dogs?"
"Loves them. She's been after my life for us to have one!"
The traffic moved just the tiniest bit, as Mihir geared the car ahead. The petrol was going down rapidly because of the heavy blast of the car's AC. Adrija seemed to notice his line of sight, and quickly offered,
"Is it enough for the Sea Link?"
Mihir nodded, "But I'd feel more comfortable if I knew I have a filled tank. Any petrol pumps you know nearby?"
"That's why I asked, when you swerve for Bandra; there's a big petrol pump. I'll remind you in time, don't worry."
And that brought upon a comfortable silence in the air. The car moved ever so slowly from its spot. To their left; was the beautiful stretch of Worli. The waves crashed onto the stones and caused gushes of sea water to splash onto the side of the road and the palm trees planted for beautification swayed effortlessly with the wind.
"What did you think of Vedant?"
Mihir wasn't sure why he had been avoiding this conversation since after the dinner. After all, his discovery of the man's sexual orientation had only sorted things for him. Vedant was no longer a potential threat...well not in the romantic aspect of Adrija's life at least. Why then was he still not feeling too good?
"He's nice. Nice and rich...friendly."
All of this was true.
And yet, he knew just how fake his voice sounded. He wondered if she caught onto it.
"Oh." Was all she said though. From the corner of his eyes he realized she was busy studying him. He didn't know what she inferred from his disposition; but she asked no questions; simply lacing her fingers with his free hand on the gear box.
When he turned towards her with surprise; she smiled warmly and brought his palm close to her lips. And then, she kissed him on the knuckles ever so gently.
His brain froze then and there; his heart beating and a queer masculine want coursing through his veins.
Maybe that's why he let his discomfort slide that night; maybe that's why he failed to recognize that he was still not okay.
***
"...no really..."
The sound of the mic resonated in the dim lit pub, as a stand-up comedian addressed the crowd animatedly,
"How many of you have had a fucked up office romance?"
A dozen hands were raised with soft chuckles.
Mihir found everything about it amusing; how some people managed to make others laugh even before they had uttered the punch line of their jokes. He surely didn't possess a sense of humour like that. Or a sense of humour at all.
"Right...right. You! You in the brown shirt. Tell me. Do you know why I called it a 'fucked up' office romance?" The comic asked confidently; his palms flying into elaborate air quotes.
From next to him; his old time pal and current beer buddy Varun Malhotra scoffed, "Because all 'relationships' are fucked up!"
Mihir chuckled, "Says the man who just doesn't know how to stick to one woman."
Varun took the dig sportingly like he always did; all the while maintaining steady eye contact with the same brunette sitting in the audience. How he managed to passionately continue a conversation while simultaneously hit on a stranger was beyond Mihir; but actually something rather impressive in his eyes.
"Can I ask you something?" Varun quipped.
Mihir looked up from his drink, and nodded.
"I understand your curiosity about contract marriages, but something about this whole situation doesn't really...feel you."
He was talking about the contract marriage between Adrija and Vedant; of course. The fact that Mihir had finally felt comfortable enough to ask someone about the details of this marriage actually surprised him. He normally sucked at expressing himself.
It helped that Varun was a trade journalist. Contract marriages, surprise mergers, messy business deals; these were basically his source of bread and butter!
Right when he opened his mouth to attempt a response; a tray of ten tequila shots was placed on their table. Mihir looked up at Varun with a mild state of shock. When did he order these?
Before he could pose his question however, Varun had already raised his first shot glass cheerily; "To your love life and my career!"
Mihir didn't know what it was about this guy; but something about his spirited and vibrant nature almost always managed to loosen him up. Whether it was during their early years in the city with ambitious dreams and empty pockets or now; when they were both fairly established; professionally.
From pitching in religiously to be able to get themselves a simple beer to preparing to drown ten tequila shots without even staring at the prices on the menu; their friendship had come a long way.
Clinking his shot glass to Varun's, Mihir chugged at the fiery liquid. His throat burnt and his eyes pressed themselves shut for a reflex. Boy, he'd forgotten just how strong tequila was!
Even before he would get a grip on himself with the first shot; Varun had already raised another glass cheerily,
"To our unwavering friendship!"
Big word, Mihir thought to himself; as he gulped down the contents of another one of the tiny glasses.
Varun nudged at him, "Your turn."
He shook his head; gasping for breath; "Time out. You know my capacity."
"Don't be such a buzzkill Mihir. Come on!"
Again, he wondered how this man managed to loosen him up so much.
Oh, what the hell.
His third glass was now hoisted mid-air, his voice beginning to sound foreign to his own ears as he announced, "To your one night stands!"
Varun guffawed, "Yeh hui na baat!"
The toast for the fourth shot was a blur; the dark room looking darker and the neon lights brighter and blinding. Mihir blinked; feeling incredibly light.
"To you...and Adrija." Varun raised the last shot glass and spoke this part softly; like he too considered this piece of information sacred.
Mihir chugged the last shot glass effortlessly this time; his stomach entangling into uncomfortable knots upon the mention of Adrija. Okay, this drinking escapade had probably been a bad idea. He had always, always judged people who drank beyond their capacity and failed to hold the contents of their stomach within.
And something told him, he was going to lose his rights to judge those people starting today.
"Bro, thik hai na tu?"
Mihir gulped; shaking his head, "I need air."
If he had expected Varun to say something snarky about his dismal drinking capacity; he was wrong. For he didn't even seem to bat an eye lid when he descended his stool and ushered him to a backdoor of the club.
It looked like a back exit, with a rather stunning view of the Santacruz flyover. Mihir had taken this road to and fro office scores of times, but had never stopped to realize; his favourite bar in the World was located at the very same intersection. He paused thoughtfully; studying the familiar logo of Karma, and then; he watched the flyover.
"That's-"
"-the Santacruz flyover, I know." Varun completed for him, "You didn't know about this intersection, did you?"
Mihir grinned sheepishly; now feeling the bile in his throat slowly settle down. Maybe he wouldn't be embarrassing himself today after all.
"Feel better?" Varun had found himself a dusty, old stool from a corner; which he kicked out to the centre. Rummaging some more; he pulled out yet another discarded wooden table and seated himself on it.
"Much better. I'm never doing these many shots ever again."
Sure, he wasn't feeling nauseous anymore; but his body still felt rather light. Like there was something fiery running through his veins. Adrenaline seemed to pump in him; and despite his state of drunkenness, he could clearly see the same effect of the tequila on Varun as he smirked, "If you say so."
Mihir could tell that something else was running in his mind that instant; for his gaze was intrusive.
"Um...what?"
Varun took off the check shirt he'd donned on top of his white T shirt, and fanned himself, "You and Adrija. Something's messed up there, isn't it?"
Mihir didn't even bother to deny. Or maybe his normally complex brain, at this drunken state didn't have the courage to pull off such a blatant lie before a guy who had known him as closely as Varun had for over a decade.
"Yeah." He sighed, "I don't know. No matter what we go through together, at the end of it, I feel like we've come back exactly where we started!"
Varun looked thoughtful; as he tried to assess his response.
"Well...what is bothering you right now? It has to be something major, if you're not able to forget it even after five tequila shots."
Mihir gazed at the flyover; watching the numerous cars drive by. Unlike most people his age; who enjoyed branching out and being adventurous; he found solace in familiarity. In the littlest of things; like a known flyover, like a constant buddy for years, like a company that he never considered leaving, like...like a woman that he never stopped loving; no matter what the odds.
This desperation for familiarity had been his price to pay for the selfish decision to move out of his hometown and away from his family that he'd made in his young, adult years. He often missed home; wondering what a life back in his town in an alternate Universe would be like.
Safe. Constant.
These were two words that always rushed into his head.
Yes. He missed that kind of consistency, he also missed his family; his mother more specifically; whom he had been incredibly close to once upon a time. But growing up; it only got harder and more complicated. And quite often; denial was the escape many chose to succumb to; as did he.
"It's Vedant Jaiswal."
"Her ex-husband, you mean?"
Mihir nodded.
"Well, the keyword is ex. Why are you worried about him?" Varun folded his arms before chest; listening intently.
Mihir sighed, "Tujhe kuch bohot personal batane wala hoon. Promise me you will not slip up, no matter what the odds."
Varun rolled his eyes dismissively, "What are we? Five? Of course this is private stuff Mihir! I know I'm a journalist and often look for inspiration but I do have some work ethics!"
Somewhere, somehow, it felt like he had touched upon some raw nerve of Varun Malhotra. He was generally an extremely easy going guy; who barely ever lost his temper; the kind who would trap you with his charming words and easy humour.
This...this felt off.
"Sorry. I...didn't mean to accuse you or anything."
"I know." Varun shook his head casually, "Ignore that outburst. You were saying?"
Mihir decided to let go; figuring Varun would have brought the topic up had he been comfortable.
"I met Vedant Jaiswal for dinner...with Adrija and..."
"...and?"
"He's gay."
Varun blinked, his face blank and expressionless. A good five seconds later however, he posed quizzically, "Gay? That's it?"
Mihir shrugged for response.
"You're...worried because your girlfriend's ex-husband is...gay? Am I just drunk or...or does this thing really sound this stupid?"
Mihir pressed his forehead, shaking his head, "I'm not worried about Adrija's feelings for him Varun. I know she is in love with me."
"Toh bro problem kya hai?"
"Problem yeh hai ki, what if Vedant hadn't been gay? She...she would be happy with him then. She would move on with him then. Aaj Pritha...Vedant ki beti ho sakti thi. Where am I in the picture man?"
Varun bit his lip wearily, "You really love her, don't you?"
Mihir rolled his eyes, "What?"
"Nothing man. Nothing. I was just...processing. Wondering what a love like that can feel like."
Silence filled the air.
"So let me get this straight..." Varun was the first to break it, "...you feel like the only reason Adrija still loved you and spiralled right back into your arms after all these years was because of her unsuccessful marriage. Had that not been the case, you think she would have moved on and you...would have been history."
Mihir gulped; hating the sound of the harsh truth, but nodded.
"So in essence, you feel like...like a backup plan, which worked out well in her favour because you could never move on, unlike her."
"Yeah." He sighed, "Why is it, that no matter how much she loves me, I always feel like a backup in her life? Why am I never good enough for her?" Mihir's voiced cracked in the end, and Varun found himself speechless.
His definition of love, his...his imagination of the feeling of love had always been a reflection of Mihir's feelings for this woman. It had been beautiful, when you simply looked at their feelings for each other, but every time he had taken those biased glasses off of his eyes and let the gravity of their situation sink in, he had felt sorry for Mihir.
And while he may not have been the best person to give love advice, he was positive that sorry wasn't what you were supposed to feel for your best friend in love.
He hated it, but he knew, that Mihir was a one hundred percent right.
"Have you...tried talking to her?"
"No. I can't man."
"But why?"
Mihir rose up from his seat, again, gazing at the distance ahead. "I don't have the courage to hear it from her. To hear the fact that she really would move on with a stranger; over me. When I was right there, waiting to be with her."
Varun let Mihir's words settle in his head, struggling to decide what was right of him to do. Would telling him to continue to suppress his emotions be the right advice, or would telling him to show Adrija his feelings for exactly what they were be the right thing to do?
He didn't know. He didn't understand these complex, humane emotions.
His entire existence had been all about avoiding these complications. How could he possibly be the right candidate for giving any suggestions?
"Aditi se baat ki tune?"
Mihir shook his head, "She's busy. Her daughter's only two months old I...I can't be burdening her with these things."
Varun nodded, "Toh ab...? Knowing you, you would've had a direction in mind before you spoke to me. What were you thinking?"
"I'm tired man. I'm tired of giving and giving so much that I have nothing left in me anymore." Mihir wet his lips, "I think...I think I finally have my closure."
"Closure?"
"I think I finally want to let go Varun."
***