They say that the worst kind of cry is the silent cry.
The one when everybody else is sleeping. The one when you feel it scratch your throat, and your eyes become blurry from the tears. The one when you just want to scream. The one when you have to hold your breath in and grab your stomach to keep quiet. The one when you can breath anymore. The one when you realize that the two people who meant the world to you... are gone.
That was the kind of cry I do every single night, when everything is silent and nobody can hear a sixteen year old girl whimper and reminisce at the lost of her parents, who died four years ago on this exact day.
I turned uncomfortably in my hard and squeaky bed, grimacing slightly as a spring stabbed at my lower back. I was secretly happy that tomorrow I would be getting shipped to London, England to live with Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, my adoptive parents who lived in a nice cozy mansion. I didn't care about that though, I was just happy to get away from Debra and Carlton, my temporary foster parents who babied me all the time.
I think the only reason Debra and Carlton coddled me so often was because I was a selective mute. A person who had the ability to speak but just didn't want to. Being a mute helped me to hold to my parents because I realized when everything is quiet and the silence gets loud, I really start to miss them.
The only thing that kept me stitched together was ballet. I loved ballet with all my heart. I loved the way raw emotion was expressed through the limbs of a ballerina, the way that one simple movement of a dance could distinguish emotions. This was why I confide to ballet; it expressed myself when I couldn't.
But sometimes it was really a burden. Thanks to my aphasic self, I was lonely. I don't have friends anymore, I don't have anybody to confide to and I didn't have a boyfriend. I couldn't help but chuckle a little as I remember those old days when I had boyfriends. That special boy who was my lover and my best friend.
But I don't care that much, I tell myself as I drift off to sleep. I didn't need anybody and I seriously doubted that anybody needed me because... I'm not the kinda girl guys fall in love with.
Because I was the silenced girl.