Chapter 31 - Flashbacks
Evelyn
Don't you just hate those nights when you just lay there and stare at the ceiling but never fall asleep?
This is one of those nights for me. I went to bed three hours ago, now it's one in the morning. At least I don't have work tomorrow. I'm a Dauntless Ambassador and work in a room off of the main building.
As I lay there, my mind drifts to many different things.
For some reason, my mind first drifts to Marcus. Why that dumb idiot out of all people I do not know, but my mind just does.
There once was love between us. We got married because I ended up pregnant with Tobias at nineteen and Marcus was twenty one. He insisted on getting married and I agreed because he wanted to so badly. We had been dating ever since I had been half way through initiation. Then Tobias was born in May and we continued to be an average Abnegation family of three.
Work started getting harder on Marcus. He was promoted as leader of Abnegation when Tobias was five. He started coming home every day stressed and pissed at other people. It made it hard for him to love anyone, especially his own family. He'd come home yelling and screaming and it started to scare Tobias so I asked him is he could lower his voice a little so Tobias wouldn't get upset. That's the first time he slapped me; straight across the face. The abuse got worse as the years went on.
When he got home one day he I don't know if he wanted sex to get his aggression and stress away or if he decided that he wanted another kid to beat, so he began to basically force me; not just once either.
He was beating Tobias with his belt when he was only nine. I was four months pregnant at the time and was scared to tell Marcus because I already knew that he would hate the concept. Tobias turned ten that May and I had been trying to hide my growing belly around him and Marcus. At that time I started having thoughts about going to Factionless, but could never get the courage to just leave.
It was one day when Marcus came home. He was yelling and screaming for me to get downstairs. I never came down though, I was doing something way more important than getting slapped and punched my my husband. I was showing a Tobias a little trunk that I put under his bed. I had just finished putting the blue sculpture in it. I told him to keep it safe and to never let his father see it. I kissed him on the head, told him that I loved him and went down stairs to face Marcus with confidence in myself.
He started screaming at me and punching me. He had kicked me hard in the stomach and I screamed out in pain. I remember my vision being blurred with pain and tears and screaming at him that I was pregnant. He yelled at me for never telling him, then kicked me in the stomach again. I remember thinking "now or never" so I stood up, slapped him as hard as I could across the face then walked out in pain, but with confidence.
I had known that something was wrong, and I knew that I couldn't go to Erudite because I no longer belonged in Abnegation. That right there would've been considered a very selfish act.
Only if they knew then how I had been treated all those years...
I went to the only place that I knew I could go even though I wasn't to sure that my decision was a good one at the time.
I went to the Factionless. They took me in because of one: Being the Abnegation leader's wife and Two: Because I was bleeding so badly and in so much pain. I only remember waking up to all of the pain disappearing and being told that I had a miscarriage. There was doctors in Factonless... They were former Erudite for the most part. I ended up growing with them and became their leader.
After my mind finishes on that thought, it shifts to a different thought. One that has been in the back of my mind for three years now.
My mind moves to Tris.
I had known her and her parents from her father, Andrew being in the house for business with Marcus. He had brought his wife, Natalie and his kids Caleb and Beatrice once, at the time their oldest, Caleb was five and as Beatrice had quietly answered me "almost five."
Natalie and I had been close during initiation. She transferred from Dauntless and I transferred from Erudite. We became real close being in the same group of initiates that transferred. I remember that right after initiation she and Andrew had been seeing each other. We worked together on almost every community service projects we did when it came to things for the Factionless like sewing, baking, etc.
She was there to support me when I was young and pregnant with Tobias and in return I was there for her when she had Caleb, her first child in February and then ended up pregnant right after and gave birth to her daughter, Beatrice who was born a month early both in the same year. I remember that it was pretty stressful for her.
Next my mind moves to how I met Tris just about eleven years after she told me "almost five."
I had hated her right off the bat when I first met her. Now a days I question why I really did. She never did anything to make me hate her, I just did. None of my hatred toward her was her fault. I guess I just got jealous that Tobias loved her more than me; his own mother. I did deserve him ignoring me for those years for many reasons. I just feel horrible inside that I was that rude to her and that she died knowing me as that kind of person. I would do anything to apologize to her today and say how sorry I was for my actions.
But she will never know, and she died knowing me that way. That will be a weight on my shoulders for the rest of my life. If she was here now, all I could wish for would be that we could start over and maybe be friends. She had every right to hate me. She only knew what Tobias had known about me, and that was that I left him with his father to be beaten and even though that wasn't the truth, both Tobias and her had every right to hate my guts.
I'm glad that I have my son back, but heartbroken that he's heartbroken over his loss of his lover. It makes me morn her even more although we never got along. It makes me wish that I got to know her. It makes me wish that I hadn't left for the Factionless so I cold have been a part of my son's life. It makes me wish that I could turn the clock back twenty-one years and restart my life as a mother. It makes me wish that I wasn't so selfish. It makes me wish that I had been more careful with my actions and words. It makes me wish that the world was a form of perfect. It makes me wish that at least my son could be happy.
My name is Evelyn Johnson and I have many regrets.
* * *
I wake up the next morning to Holly moving on my bed. She looks like she just got up. My cheeks have a dried texture to them signaling that I must have cried some time last night.
Then I remember my thoughts from one am earlier this morning.
I take a deep breath and head toward the kitchen to feed Holly and myself breakfast.
I just cannot stop thinking about my regrets; especially the one in living with most right now.
Tris's final thought of me.
I think about it as I put the cat food in the bowl for Holly.
I think about it as I make myself eggs and start the coffee pot.
I think about it as I drink my coffee and eat my my eggs.
I think it as I unload the dishwasher from yesterday.
I think about it as I shower and get dressed.
What doesn't help is when I think about it as I answer my door to reveal my son and his dog.
It makes me feel even more guilty.
"Are you okay Mom? You look a little pale."
I just wrap him in an embrace and he hugs back clearly confused.
"I've been thinking, and I just feel so horrible for everything I've done in life." I feel some tears slip onto his shoulder.
"What do you mean?"
"I wish she hadn't of died knowing me as a rude person. Tobias, I feel horrible."
I see that he's getting tears in his eyes as well. He hugs me back firmer and I feel his tears on my hair.
"I regret many things in my life too. I wish we co-uld change the past or turn ba-ck ti-me." He chokes on his words.
We stand in each others embrace for a while until we hear a hiss and a low growl.
That can only mean one thing:
The cat and dog have finally met.
"I was coming down to ask if you could watch him while I go to Erudite for the week, but maybe I should ask the cat first..." He chuckles.
"Sure. I'll watch him. Holly will just have to suffer." I laugh.
"Indiana! Leave the cat alone!" He yells chuckling.
We chat about various things until he says that he needs to go home and pack for his trip to Erudite this week.
"Be careful. Call me if you have spare time." I say wrapping him in another embrace.
"I will. Love you."
"I love you too." I smile.
He says goodbye to the dog and then is on his way.
There is small sections of the world that have their small sections of them that are perfect.
That makes the world imperfect with its little perfect spots.
A/N-
Hi humans!
I wanted to get some of Evelyn's POV in with her backstory because I had this idea of how she felt with Tris and Tobias etc.
Is it just me or in the Insurgent trailer doesn't Evelyn look more like she could be Tobias's (possibly younger) sister than her older sister? Still love her though! She looks so badass and just ahh! She's like one of my fav characters even though she's out to get everyone in most of the parts in the books. She's my favorite supporting character next to Cara.
I've been messing around with different covers with this story and think I like the one that I have for it now but I'm still not sure. What do you all think? I liked the old one, but wattpad hates me and made it diappear and I can't find it in my camera roll on my iPad.
Wattpad still doesn't like me sometimes when I comment, so if I don't comment, I'm most likely trying to, and it's wattpad's fault for hating me. I working with it though! Just bear with me.
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