Chapter 23
"It could all be so simple / But you'd rather make it hard" Lauryn Hill - Ex-Factor
[June]
I tugged on the black cotton dress that fit snug around my midsection, hoping it wasn't too tight. I checked my hair in the rearview mirror. My natural curls spread wild and free. I knew he liked it that way. His likes were no longer my concern but a piece of me would always want to be appealing in his emerald eyes.
Shutting my eyes, I let my head drop against the headrest. A nagging ache haunted my back as my belly tightened again. It had been doing that since last night. I took a short walk around my tiny apartment, hoping to soothe my baby- of course it didn't work.
I can't wait for these nine months to be over.
"Please relax," I spoke while rubbing my protruding belly. "At least be calm during this meeting."
After one final deep breath, I exited my car. My steps were cautious and stiff due to the amount of pain localized around the middle of my body.
The trip from the parking lot to the building wasn't far but being pregnant increased the time it took to do everything. Upon entering, I traveled to the reception desk and was greeted with a bright smile from an elderly lady. I gave her my name and she kindly led me to the correct conference room.
He was already seated on the other side of the table when I walked in.
"Good morning Mrs. Dawson, I'm glad you could make it," Mr. Berman welcomed. He had salt and pepper trimmed hair and wore a tailored gray suit. He stood up, coming around the table to shake my hand then pulled out a chair for me. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you."
This mediation was supposed to take place months ago but I'd rescheduled a few times for various unimportant reasons.
"Thank you and likewise." I sat in the chair, resting my hands in my lap.
"Mr. Dawson and I were going over the accumulated assets before you arrived." He extended a list to me. I gave the top sheet a quick glance, not surprised by any information.
I barely listened as Mr. Berman droned on and on about the legality behind this divorce. Mediation was supposed to make this process quick and painless but the pain had already settled.
My gaze drifted across the table to Rick. I hated how he always looked so deliciously handsome. Dressed in a black suit, his hair was cut low and he'd grown back a thin moustache and goatee like when we'd first met.
While I was busy getting lost in his appearance, I didn't notice his eyes were on me. Blushing, I quickly diverted my stare. I could still feel his orbs penetrating me. He didn't look away. He sat confidently in the leather backed chair exuding determination and strength while I crumbled inside.
"Mr. Dawson is willing to sign the title of the car over to you," Mr. Berman informed. I nodded with a false smile. I often forgot how little I actually owned. "He's also prepared to spilt the sale from the Hartford house."
"Hartford house?" I asked. "Is there more than one?"
"Well," he looked uneasily at Rick.
Leaning forward, I flipped through the papers in front of me. There were three more properties in Florida, Maine and New York.
The hell?
"Rick you own more houses?"
He picked invisible lint off his suit. "Investments."
I scanned the small description of each property. "You purchased the last one a year ago. You don't tell your wife about investments?" Closing the packet, I turned my attention to Mr. Berman. "I don't want half the sale from the Hartford house. I don't want anything except a divorce."
Mr. Berman's eyes darted between Rick and myself. "Are you sure? Maybe you shou-"
"I'm positive."
I am so tired and frustrated of being in limbo with this man.
"Can I ask you a question?" Rick spoke. I glanced his way before rolling my eyes.
"No."
"How far along are you?" I knew he'd ask anyway.
"8 months," I answered honestly.
"8 months," he repeated, much to my annoyance. "That seems quick, considering my birthday was almost 11 months ago...actually closer to 10 and a half."
"Point?"
"Making you due sometime in July? Which would mean you conceived two months after July 23. That's a little fast to establish a relationship. Unless...I mean, you knew the doctor long before things with us went sour."
"Rick-"
"I think the timing's funny. We were together 3 and a half years and don't have any children. Which brings me to my question: Why him?"
"What do you mean?"
Rick chuckled dryly. "Why him? Is there something special about him? Or his phenotype?"
"I'm not an idiot. I know what you're trying to insinuate so stop it."
"Then let me know what the difference is. There's only one obvious characteristic I'm missing. The doctor and I are the same height; have to be around the same weight and age. I know he doesn't have more money than me. What else is left?"
I rubbed my belly feeling more pressure on my uterus. My logical mind was telling me to ignore my soon to be ex husband who was talking out his ass. But my emotional mind was ready to jump across the table.
"Joe is much older than you and you don't know anything about his finances. Maybe he treated me better-"
"Really? He treated you so well that you got pregnant?"
"Accidents do happen."
"They never happened with us. I had to wear a condom every single fucking time but with him it was raw city and accidents. Unbelievable." Rick sighed, running his hand over his short hair. Apparently, I didn't make him wear a condom enough.
"We aren't having this conversation right now," I told him sternly.
"Then when? You don't answer my phone calls or text messages. You rescheduled this mediation twice. When else will I get a chance to talk to you?"
"This may be hard for you to accept but I don't want to talk to you. That isn't a desire of mine anymore."
Rick scoffed leaning forward, resting his forearms against the ebony table. "I just want you to explain to me why you couldn't have my baby. Explain to me why I begged for three years for something you gave away in a few months."
Exhaling, I paused while the familiar tightening feeling returned. I waited until the discomfort passed before turning towards Mr. Berman in my chair. "It was nice meeting you. Can I sign papers today or do you mail them to me?"
"Uh-umm," He stuttered.
"Elle!" Rick shouted like a child without home training. "How...how could you?" I finally looked over at him when I heard his voice wavering.
I'd never seen or heard Rick be so emotional. And maybe it was the fact that I had his offspring tearing up my insides but I didn't feel the least bit sympathetic.
"Let me paint you a picture," I began, as I got comfortable in my chair. "You like numbers so you'll love this. $60 per hour for pole lessons, $300 for a chrome pole, extra $79 for the installation. $250 deposit for a hooker with a red weave. You wanted to discuss phone calls? Let's discuss the eight voicemails I left you on July 23rd begging you to come home. Let's discuss the texts I sent asking you to come home and apologizing for I don't know what because all I did was stay home and be cheated on. Now you want to know how could I? It was easy."
If possible, I wouldn't be surprised if steam shot out Rick's ears. I could tell he was pissed by the bright redness flaring up his neck. I still didn't care.
"One mistake wasn't enough-"
"Oh lord. Please don't start that one mistake shit again. Is it even true? You were with the bitch in Starbucks buying her coffee. Go knock her up and leave me the hell alone." The pain felt like it was magnifying by the second. I needed to get out of this crazy office. I needed to get away from crazy Rick.
Scooting the chair back, I stood up preparing to leave since nothing was being accomplished. Involuntarily, a leakage released from between my legs. A steady trickle eased down my leg, as I stood frozen in place.
"Are you alright?" Mr. Berman asked, unaware of the liquid streaming out my vagina.
"I think my water broke."
Both men head's snapped in my direction. They stared at me in shocked. Rick stood up, coming around the rectangular table.
"You're bleeding," he observed. I looked down and sure enough it was blood dripping near my Tommy Hilfiger flip-flops.
"Is that bad?"
"Yes. When your water breaks, its amniotic fluid not blood and that typically doesn't happen until after the 37th week. Call your obstetrician."
Of course I left my phone in the car. Of course, I did. It would be too easy for me to be prepared for anything. I hobbled around Rick, leaving the room.
"Where are you going?" Rick asked following me.
"I'm leaving." For some reason, he continued walking with me all the way back to my car. I ignored him.
I was pretty much out of breath plus my stomach hurt like hell. Opening my door, I reached in and retrieved my phone from the cup holder. Rick still stood near me, watching as I called Paulina.
"Dr. Paulina Vygotsky," she answered on the second ring.
"Um hi it's Elle, I'm bleeding again."
"How do you feel? Any pain or discomfort? Contractions?"
"I don't know if they're contractions but I'm in a lot of pain...a lot a lot."
"Alright keep calm. Meet me at Saint Francis Hospital and I'll check to make sure everything's going smoothly. Okay? Keeping breathing and try to relax until you see me."
I agreed then ended the call. While struggling to sit in my car, Rick caught my arm easing me into a sitting position.
"What are you doing now?" He asked, holding my door so I couldn't close it.
"Move. I truly have no strength to argue with you." he squatted down so we were eye level.
"Sweets, you shouldn't drive. You're in labor." I knew the 'Sweets' comment slipped out by accident but it threw me off. He hadn't called me that in such a long time.
I'd been working on myself, trying to become a stronger person but that damn nickname got me every time.
"At least call your...guy. Is he close?" I shook my head with my bottom lip tucked between my teeth. "I'll drive you."
"No-"
"I thought you had no strength to argue?" he smirked. Gently he grasped my forearms, helping me stand. Rick took the car keys out of my hand, putting them in his pocket. Wrapping his arm around my waist, he led me to his Range.
I loved riding in his car. I just wished I wasn't in so much pain so I could properly enjoy it. After helping me settle in Rick rushed to the driver's side.
"I missed your car," I admitted softly. I'd forgotten how wild he drove. We sped out of the parking lot, swerving onto the main road.
"Start calling people to let them know you're in labor," Rick instructed.
"Shut up," I hissed when another painful wave set in. Instead of shutting up, Rick laughed loudly further annoying me. "It's not funny."
"I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you," he chuckled. "Try to talk through your contractions."
I leaned my head back against the head rest with my eyes clamped together. Talking was near impossible.
"Elle? Can you talk through it?" I shook my head with my eyes still closed. I felt his hand grasp my left one, lacing our fingers together. "Squeeze my hand if you need to-" He couldn't finish before I started squeezing the life out of his hand. "Damn Elle. You're strong as fu-"
"Don't cuss at me," I shouted. "This is all your fault."
"My fault?" When the pain subsided I finally released his hand. Rick shook it and stretched his fingers. "It's not my fault you're in labor."
I stayed quiet, looking at the blur of buildings as we drove past. This was his fault. This was all his fault. We traveled in silence, not even the radio played. Rick surprised me when he reached over, resting his hand on my stomach.
"Little Rocky still wrestling in there?" He smiled moving his hand. The baby had been less active since last night when I started having pain. "What are you having?"
"I don't know."
"What do you want more? A girl or boy?" I really didn't have a preference so I shrugged. "C'mon I know you've at least thought about it. How about names?"
"I don't have a name yet. When I see it something will come to me."
Rick laughed, holding my hand again. "It? We already talked about that."
I didn't know why he was being so nice and cordial with me right now. If the situation were reversed I would have left him in the parking lot.
Okay...maybe I would have stayed with him...
It's cliché and sappy but the control that comes from loving someone is so strong that you'd move mountains for that other person. You'd shift your entire life to make it revolve around that person. And even when they hurt you, you're still there. You're still waiting. You're still hoping. You're still wishing they'd smile in your direction again.
All those pleasant thoughts flew out my head the second another contraction tore through me. I squeezed his hand, taking all my pain and anger out on his metacarpal bones.
"Breathe Sweets," he coached. "Focus on breathing."
"It hurts," I whined.
"I know but we're almost there." The car lurched forward as he sped up, traveling well above the speed limit.
Deep Inhale
Strong Exhale
Deep Inhale
Strong Exhale
"Good job. Keep breathing." Rick was swerving all over the road. I was surprised we hadn't been pulled over.
Two minutes later we arrived to the hospital. Rick parked in front of the emergency room door. He got out and came around the car to help me.
"You're coming right?" I asked.
He glanced off to the side before looking at me and I knew whatever he was about to say would be a lie. "I have to park the car then I'll be back."
"No. Rick no. Don't leave me."
"I can't park right here." Tears welled in my eyes, realizing I was actually about to go through this alone. "Sweets don't cry." I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the tips of my shaky fingers.
"I'm fine."
He sighed and shut the door, coming back to the driver's side. Rick reversed quickly, parking in a space not too far away. He helped me from the car. We entered through the first level. I followed Rick who went to the 2nd level in the blue zone.
I was surprised by how much he knew. We approached the information desk in the maternity ward and I gave them my name. Things moved swiftly as they set me up in an examination room and let me know Paulina would be with me shortly.
Awkwardly, I changed into a hospital gown. Rick saw me naked plenty of times but never with me being so big.
"Relax," he said, sensing my discomfort. He sat in a chair, texting on his phone.
"It's just...I'm really big."
"You're not even that big. Most women have much bigger stomachs when they're 8 months."
"How do you know so much about pregnancy stuff?"
"Research," he said simply.
I was still confused. "Why would you-"
"I thought one day I'd need to know."
Oh.
A tiny amount of guilt slid through me before I brushed it off. He thought we'd one day be in this position so he did his research, which was actually really sweet. The research came in handy.
Paulina came through the door smiling like usual. She shook hands with Rick then had me lay back on the bed so she could check on the baby. I pouted when Rick stepped out of the room during the examination.
"I want you to remain calm," Paulina stated slowly. "I am going to admit you into the hospital because the baby's heart rate is slower than I'd like it to be but everything is okay."
I nodded in understanding.
I wasn't ready.
Not even close.
* * *
Holding tightly onto Rick's hand, I refused to let go. My eyes pleaded that he'd stay with me. Tears gushed down my face. The pain was at a constant ten.
"I can't watch you give birth to another man's child," he tried to reason. I wasn't hearing any of it. "Your mom is on the way and I called Tay. They'll be here." He tried to pry my hand off but I wouldn't budge. "Elle...I. I...can't..."
He looked at Paulina who was waiting for us to decide so she could proceed. So much happened in a span of two hours. My child was at risk so an emergency c-section needed to be done. I was too scared to go through with it. One person was allowed in the room with me during the procedure. I thought it would be Rick but he was trying to leave.
"I am begging you," I cried. Rick pulled at his hand again and I let go.
I let him go.
He turned his back on me leaving the room. I completely lost it, breaking down into a jumble of rapid tears. Paulina rubbed my arm and handed me a tissue box.
My mom wouldn't be here for at least another hour- not counting traffic. Tay was at the casino with Darryl, Sparkle and Force. They planned a double date to the casino not knowing today would be the day I'd have my child. In their defense, I wasn't due for another month.
Everything was a blur. I went through the motions as they administered the epidural, adjusted my IV and prepped me for surgery.
Technically I was "numb" from the waist down but I felt pain.
Aside from a few beeps here and there from the machines, the room was quiet. Paulina and the nurses were focused while I stared at the ceiling, waiting to be cut open. I just wanted this human out of me so I could be myself again.
For eight months I'd been Elle plus baby. I couldn't wait to be Elle again. I already planned my first glass of wine. It's going to be so good.
I heard knocking on the door and voices conversing. I didn't care. I couldn't care. I laid motionless on the bed still waiting.
The nurse set up a small curtain blocking off my lower body. I was thankful for that because I didn't want to see anything.
A large figure dressed in turquoise scrubs came to stand near my upper body. Their head was covered with a white bonnet and the bottom half of their face was covered with a mask. I tensed when their gloved hand reached for mine.
"It's me," a deep muffled voice said.
Peering up into bright green eyes, I smiled wide. "I thought you left." He pulled the mask down and kissed my sweaty forehead. I must have looked an extra hot mess. Rick didn't seem to mind. He gently brushed the hair away from my face then peeked over the curtain. His eyes widen as he stepped back, closer to my head and away from my uterus.
"You better make me godfather, at least," he joked. Little did he know, he was way more than that.
Ten minutes passed before I felt an intense amount of pressure on my uterus. Luckily, it didn't last long. The doctor lifted up a tiny, bloody and slimy ball. Rick gasped, his eyes becoming teary as he watched the new human being removed from me.
"Sweets you did it," he remarked. His face suddenly went serious as the doctors and nurses rushed about.
I didn't hear crying like I thought I would.
They didn't announce a gender.
It was a quiet storm.
* * *
A girl.
All they told me was I had a girl. My baby girl was rushed to the neonatal intensive care unit before I got a chance to see her. Phrases like "fetal alcohol effects," "low birth weight," and "immediate resuscitation" were thrown around. I couldn't focus on anything other than that fact that my baby wasn't in my arms.
My mom sat in the corner of my hospital room with her hands clasped together and her head bowed in prayer. Tay and Sparkle laid cuddled together on the couch. Rick held one of my hands as he laid on the other side of the bed.
I'd been transported to a recovery room. A very nice recovery room. At first, they had me sharing a small room with another mother who had a large family. I was too exhausted to put up a fight but Rick said the room was unacceptable. He made a few calm phone calls. Made a lovely sized donation and next thing I knew, I was being put into a large single room with a flat screen TV, medium sized sofa, a rocking chair, table, dresser and bathroom. It was like a nice hotel suite.
A nurse tapped on the open door. She was a plump brown skin woman with a kind smile and calming spirit.
"Hey mama," she greeted, entering my room with a wheelchair.
"Hi Ms. Mable," I smiled. Rick sat up, rubbing his eyes. He had to be exhausted too. It was nearing eleven at night and he'd been with me the whole time.
"Are you ready to see your angel?"
I nodded eagerly. Rick helped me into the wheelchair and I let my mom know we'd be right back. On our way to the NICU Elaine came running up to me with Ty a few feet away.
"Sissy! I'm so sorry I missed it," she whined.
"It's okay." She bent over, hugging my shoulders.
"Ohmigosh!" she squealed. Ms. Mable shushed her since they try to keep the floor quiet and serene at all times. Visiting hours were long over and if she didn't be quiet they'd kick her out. "Maverick you're here." She clapped her hands. "Are you excited?"
"Elaine," I gritted. "Go wait for me in the room."
"I'm sorry but I'm so happy he's here. When did you-"
"We'll be right back," I interrupted before she ruined my secret.
"She's so weird," Rick mumbled as we continued down the hallway. I somehow had to let Elaine know that I hadn't told her brother anything.
It didn't take us long to get to the room where my daughter was. Rick waited outside the door to give me privacy. Ms. Mable rolled me up to the bassinet that was marked Baby Dawson. She left so I could have alone time. I had to wash my hands before I could reach through the hole and touch my baby's small body.
My beautiful girl had soft fair skin and I caught a glimpse light brown hair peeking from underneath the pink woven cap.
She was hooked up to so many wires and cords. If I could take back every glass of wine, ounce of caffeine, and unhealthy food- I would. My precious daughter was 3lbs 8 ounces because of my selfish decisions.
I couldn't stay in that room any longer. The overwhelming amount of guilt I felt was crippling.
"Come up with a name yet?" Rick asked when I rolled out of the room. He saw the tears on my face and brushed them away with his thumbs. "Everything will be okay."
"But-but," I stuttered.
"Shh she's a fighter like her mom. Little Rocky, remember?" I nodded and he kissed my forehead before going around to push the wheelchair.
"Thank you," I said after a few moments. "I appreciate you being here."
"That's what friends are for," he sighed.
Friends? A light word to describe what we were but I accepted it. Today meant a lot to me and I couldn't do it without him. I'm glad he was here.
My secret started to feel like a burden the longer we walked. It would be different if he wasn't here but he was...
"Can we stop for a second?" I asked right before we passed a bench. "I want to talk to you." Rick steered me off the side of the hallway and took a seat on the bench. He rested his head in his hands as he struggled to stay awake.
"What's up?"
"Thank you," I stalled, playing with my fingers.
"You're welcome."
My heart thumped and hands shook. Rick was so close to nodding off that I figured it would be better if I waited.
"Never mind, let's get back to the room so you can go to sleep."
"I'm fine. What did you want to talk about?" He rubbed his eyes and blinked a few times.
"We shouldn't talk about this right now. It can wait until the morning."
"I won't be here in the morning. I'm going to take a nap but then I have to get back to Massachusetts."
"Huh? Why?"
"I moved there months ago." It took a second for that new information to digest. "I quit my job and moved back in with my parents," he elaborated.
"So you don't have a job anymore?"
"No, I do now. That's why I have to go back to Mass. I scheduled today off for our mediation. I didn't know all this other stuff would happen. But, what did you want to say?"
"Nothing," I mumbled. "It's not important."
It's better if he doesn't know. He's two hours away.
Rick shrugged then stood up and pushed me back to my room. Everybody was asleep when we came in. My mama fell asleep on her open bible. Ty was sitting in the rocking chair with Elaine on his lap.
"What the hell?" Rick stared at them cuddled up. I giggled, easing back into bed. "You knew about that?"
"Yup."
"Eww. Are they dating?" I nodded still laughing. "That's strange. Why would anyone date Elaine?"
"Don't be mean," I warned. He held his hands up defensively while slipping off his shoes. Rick had discarded his suit jacket hours ago. He took off his dress shirt then got in the bed next to me. I didn't mind him laying next to me, as long as he was careful not to touch.
"Sweets..."
"Hmm," I hummed as I typed out a quick caution text to Elaine.
"Where's the doctor?" Rick asked, yawning.
"Why? Are you feeling sick?"
He chuckled then licked his lips, sending my mind into dangerous places. "No, your doctor. Rocky's father."
"Oh." I locked my phone, placing it on the table next to the lamp. "Things didn't work out."
"Did he leave when he found out you were pregnant?"
"Something like that."
"You don't need him," he said as his eyes drifted shut. "You have me."
•
•
•
•