TW-Mentions of nightmares, homophobia and trauma related topics, descriptions which might trigger some people.
23rd February 1917 – PFC Danny Murillo's p.o.v
I am used to sneaking around, this is not something new to me. I used to sneak out at night to meet up with Jorel who my father did not approve of to begin with. This time it is a lot different and we could get in a lot of trouble. It is also different because it is not Jorel I am sneaking around with. It is Dylan. A couple of days ago Dylan decided to confess his love to me and I am now in a relationship with him. I have had a crush on him for a little while even though we have not known each other for that long. The reason why we are sneaking around is because it is the 1900's, people do not approve of boys being with boys. There is also a strict no relationship rule on the camp which is fair enough.
It is mainly to try and discourage us from trying to date any of the female officers that are on camp which is rare. I can totally understand why though, do not want any babies on camp or people to start affairs which could get them into trouble. They obviously banned males from having relationships which each other, but we have discovered that they cannot really police that. Matt was the one that told me if I had a crush on a dude that this was the way to do it. I think that was because him and Jordon are going out, but they are just as afraid as Dylan and I about coming out to the guys. We know that it is a bit irrational, but we have no idea who else is going to overhear and then tell on us which will get us kicked out of the army.
I do not need to go into details about what will happen to me if I go back home and my father is still allowed to wander the streets. "Dan, you've gone into dreamland again," Dylan whispers, before pulling me out of the way of the torchlight of a passing officer. "Sorry Dyl," I whisper. I hate worrying him, he knows how bad the last beating was because he was there, so he knows how I have been trying to mentally recover now that the physical recovery has finished. We spend a few more minutes kissing in the dark now I was focusing more on the world around me and then we went back to our billet so that we have no worries of being caught by an officer on patrol making sure that everyone is following the rules.
It is not too late in the night so I think I will be able to get enough sleep to not walk around camp like a zombified human in the morning. I know the others are asleep, they were when Dylan and I snuck out. Jorel has been sleeping on his own bed for the last few days because they have been checking on us during the night and they said that we should stop sharing a bed because even though it is innocent, not every officer is going to take it that way. Now that I am feeling better I have been trying to rely less on them for things I typically do myself. Jorel was not that happy with their decision but they were kind enough to warn us that it was something they were not keen on. They did not have to do that and just let us get into trouble.
I think I must have slept for 3 hours and then had one of the worst nightmares so far since I have been here. I woke up screaming and my brother Rigo was by my side in an instant. "Oh Danny, it's okay. It was just a nightmare," Rigo tells me. I hold onto him for dear life while I try to stop crying. One of the officers who was patrolling heard me scream and came in to check on me. The others were woken by my scream. They were watching Rigo calm me down because when I had nightmares before now only he could calm me down. "It's okay sir, just a nasty night terror," George explains to the officer who looked concerned. I would be worried too if I heard a scream in camp without any context to it. I tried my best to calm down, but it was not working.
"Is that true Private Murillo," the officer asks me. I know I am Private First Class, but that rank is too much of a mouthful. "Yes sir," I tell him. Rigo has worked his magic and I am finally calmer than I was when I first woke up. The officer told us to let him know if that changes and that we should start getting ready for physical training in half an hour. I cannot believe it is already 4.30 am. I only knew that because it is still dark outside. I know there is a clock in the mess hall, but I do not think they have put them in the billets just yet. I think it is a good thing for me to have the physical training before breakfast. I wash my face to make it look less like I have just spent twenty minutes crying because of the nightmare/night terror I just had.
Physical training was so good. I cleared my mind as we did the laps of the field and I was ready to face the day and forget that I woke up screaming this morning. No one else heard me scream which is good. I do not think I want to be explaining to everyone on the camp why I woke up screaming in terror this morning. I do not even think I want to explain to all of the guys the details of the nightmare this morning. Rigo, Jorel and Dylan know what went on. They have been told before, when Rigo asked me during my recovery. I was happy to no talk about that nightmare today. I really need to forget about what happened so I can get on with my day and hopefully have a better night tonight when it comes to sleeping.
Rigo walked behind me when we were walking towards the mess hall for breakfast and he had his arms around me. "Dan, do you want to talk to me in private after breakfast? I know something is bothering you," Rigo asks me. I keep forgetting that having my older brother around means I am less likely to get away with bottling my emotions than I have been in the past. It will probably help me if I talk to Rigo about the nightmare. "Yeah, only if it doesn't get us into any trouble," I tell him. At half past 6 the lessons start, and he knows more about what is being taught today than I do. The others had gone ahead apart from Jorel who was hanging back a little bit. "It won't today's first lesson for you is a revision session and I will come and explain to the teacher," Rigo says.
I know all the officers like Rigo, he gets along with them and he is the perfect solider. It is kinda like how they like me because I am quite similar to my brother. "Alright, as long as you're sure," I tell him. Jorel was waiting for us to catch up, he is basically a brother to me, and he is just as worried as Rigo is. "I'm sure Dan. They might not seem like it, but the officers do care about people's mental health. When I first arrived here I was in the same position as you. I did not have anyone, but then George came, and we talked about it for hours. There is one other officer I have talked to, he would probably let you talk to him too," he tells me. He probably felt the same relief and other emotions that I have felt since I arrived.
Jorel hugs me when we walk over to him. The officer who Rigo pointed out to me was the one he talked to about how he felt was the one watching to make sure all the officers and recruits had arrived at the mess hall on time. Jorel and I walked in while Rigo was explaining while we were a minute late to breakfast. It is a good thing though because the line to get your tray with what you want on it is not a long now. Most of the officers and soldiers have had their breakfast given to them now. We got our food and sat down at our usual table just as Rigo walked in. "You know the officer I mentioned earlier Danny? I just spoke to him and he said feel free to speak to him if you need to. He'll keep things confidential," Rigo tells me quietly.
That is good. I know that he might tell Rigo if he is specifically concerned with something that I have told him during the conversation. "Oh Jorel you asked me why you are in a different squad with no one else from our group. Well, I spoke to the commanding officer of your squad and he said that you will eventually become the Tank crew. Tanks are quite new, not many countries have them yet. We definitely do not have any. He says the head of the army wants crews trained up in case we enter the war and need tanks," George explains. I knew Jorel was destined for amazing things in the army. From what I have heard the Tank Crew is the highest requested crew in the armies that are currently on the front.
"That explains it. I guess that is cool, maybe when I know my other squad members a little more then I will feel better about being in it," Jorel says. It does make sense that he would be a bit uncomfortable with it since he does not know the people he is with as well as he knows me and the other guys. It is good that I am with Dylan at least. I think it was what spurred him on to ask me out because we will be spending a lot of time together. He also wants to make me happy and since we both have feelings for each other then I am happier when I am around him knowing that he is my boyfriend even if we have to hide that fact. If things were different then we would have told the others about this, but we have not.
If you are too close and too friendly with your squad members or your friends then people will say things about you behind your back. Breakfast is over now, Rigo had gone up to my Drill sergeant to explain that I knew pretty much everything that we were being taught in that lesson and he wanted to talk to me about something serious and he came up to us and said it was fine as long as I did go to some of the lesson and he could test me on my knowledge. That is a fair enough compromise when you think about it. The test would prove that Rigo was not lying when he said I know the subject we are being taught and it would make Rigo and I much happier having this discussion I can feel it.
On the way past I heard someone whisper faggots. It did not make any sense because we have the same surname on our uniforms and all the officers and most soldiers I have met in the last few weeks know that we are brothers. Pretty much everyone on the camp will know that we are brothers eventually. Especially when I rise up in ranks and they keep using us an example. A lot of Rigo's friends have been eagerly awaiting the youngest brother's arrival to camp. They had seen what 3 of the males in the Murillo family were like as people and they were curious to see who I would be most like. I think I might be more like Rigo than anyone. "Dan was the nightmare you had different to the other ones so far?" Rigo asks, he took me back to our billet so we could have the conversation in private.
"Yeah, it started off with us being in the camp. There was a train of recruits due to arrive that afternoon or evening. For some reason father was on that train, he wanted to kill us both, but you know what he is like for reasons as to why he does what he does. He had brought one of his guns with him. I could not see it properly so I would not be able to tell you what kind of gun it was. We were all asleep and he snuck into the billet we were in and started shooting all of us. He didn't care that we were the last two victims because we all ended up dead anyways," I tell him, shaking as I got into more and more detail. It is not the first time that I have had a nightmare involving our deaths, including Jorel's but never the other guys.
Especially now I have the secret of me dating Dylan. He would definitely hate that If he knew. He was trying to set me up with a female nurse from his work, but we just did not fancy each other in that way so it never went anywhere. It was not something that I focused too much on, he did beat me for not dating her. However, it was the first time mother ever intervened, she told him that at twenty years old I was too young to be looking for someone to settle down with. Even now I turn 22 this year and my mother is going to be surprised when she finds out about Dylan. She is probably expecting me to find the perfect person when I am in my mid to late twenties sort of like Rigo has done. I am not sure it I will be able to live that long to be honest.
I had gone into further gory detail when Rigo asked me about it. I do not quite understand why he asked me about that. I guess it was for me to get it all out so I can start to move on from the nightmare. I was shaking even more when I had finished, but Rigo was encouraging me the whole way and told me if it got too much that I could stop, and he was not going to force me to speak if I was too uncomfortable. When I finally finished speaking, it felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and Rigo pulled me into a tight hug. "Aw Danny. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I know it is not my fault, but I can't help but feel a little guilty," he tells me. I know it is not his fault, but I guess he feels like there is nothing else he can say.
"How did you feel when you first arrived?" I ask him. I know he mentioned something just before we went to breakfast and now the weight is off my chest I want to talk about something other than the nightmare I had this morning. "Like I said before, I was alone when I first arrived. It was all new to me as I had never left home before. Well, I had worked before, but like you not outside of Los Angeles. I felt so relieved because I was not going to get hurt anymore. At the same time I was upset and felt guilty because at the time I had left you and Kyle to take up the beatings that he had given me. I kept my emotions to myself for at least four months. Then I met Steve and we started talking and eventually I started opening up," Rigo says.
I know him and Steve are quite close, he was the guy who was driving the car in the train station. He was not the one who asked about our father though, he would have known that father beats us to a bloody pulp. The sergeant major who asked us about our father is another one of Rigo's friends, but he has no idea about what is actually going on at home. That is why he accepted the whole our father is on acid story so well. We had only spent about 10 or 15 minutes talking to each other before he took me back to the lesson and I felt a lot better than I did when I first woke up this morning. Rigo was a lot happier with how I am doing mentally now. "Have a good morning little brother and I'll see you at lunch time." Rigo tells me.
"See you at lunch," I tell him. If I were in a squad on my own then I would have not liked the next 5 or more hours where I would be on my own. Dylan smiled when I walked into the room and sat down next to him. The drill sergeant was teaching them and when he was getting them to do group tasks he took me to one side and tested me on the things he was going over during this lesson and I answered them to the best of my memory as possible. I got them all right and he was pretty impressed with all of my military knowledge. "Well done, you really are like your older brother Rigo. A quick learner and it sticks pretty well," he tells me. I knew I was more like Rigo than any other member of my family. It also works with someone calling us twins.
That lesson went really well, and I was feeling as if I was finally fitting in and it was the best feeling in the world. I felt as if I have finally found something that I was actually good at. "Wow Danny, I need to start taking tips from you," Dylan tells me, as we walk to our next lesson which was a first aid lesson. The first lesson was a skill at arms lesson. Some of the other squad members were talking to us and we were slowly gaining popularity in the squad. "I do not really have any tips to give anyone. I was raised in quite a strict military background so most of this was taught to me from quite an early age," I tell them. It was true there is not a lot of things that I can do to help them out because I am from a completely different background to all of them.
"I guess so, but we all wanna be as knowledgeable as you," Thomas says, he is one of those who has started a friendship with us, and I was going to try and expand my friendship circle as much as I possibly can. "Everyone will be as knowledgeable as me one day. All you have to do is work hard and pay attention as much as you possibly can. If you have notebooks, write down as much as possible. They will not tell you off for writing notes which you can go over in personal time," I tell them. It was true I took some notes just so I could give them to Dylan later because I knew that he was less likely to be scribbling down notes than Thomas or Jackson. That is why I was happier to give them that tip even though it was the only tip I can give.
First aid went a lot better than the first time we were put in the squad. The person teaching us did ask if I would spend some time with Brody and get him up to the same level that the rest of us were on. This was because I am at a higher level at the moment so I could use my skills to help someone else. Brody did not like it at first because he is jealous of me, but I know how he feels, and I managed to bring myself down to a level where he would relate to me more and hopefully get along with me better. By the end of it, he did actually thank me and told me he was glad they forced us together. "Hey Brody, I just want you to know that I am not trying to be a bad guy here. If you ever need someone to help you with this then I am here," I tell him.
"Thanks Danny. I know I have come off as a bit of an asshole lately. I guess I tried to make a persona for myself, but it didn't quite work how I planned," Brody says. It does make a lot of sense; people think that it is cooler to go around pretending that you are a big hard person when actually you are hiding a lot of insecurities. People do not often want you to know what their true background is, especially when there are stigmas or stereotypes attached to it. "You're welcome Brody. Don't worry people do it all the time," I tell him. I know that Jordon would not be too impressed that my relationship with Brody has improved slightly, but I am not really that bothered. He does not have to be friends with Brody if he does not want to be.
There is one more lesson before lunch time. I cannot exactly remember what the topic is off the top of my head. We only get told what the lesson is when we actually arrive. Since we are not used to the squads yet, we are not marching from building to building, but as soon as a couple of weeks pass we will be settled in and we will have to march in formation with our main drill sergeant every where we need to go after breakfast until dinner time. The only time we do not have to march is when we go from the billet to the mess hall as we are all in different billets to each other. The next lesson goes really well, and everyone was being praised by the people teaching us which made us all feel good. It was the first time Brody had ever been praised.
Rigo was desperate to hug me when we made it to the mess hall, but he restrained himself. There was one of the stranger officers in charge of the mess hall and he does not care if you are related or not but there is no physical contact when he is around. We can hug when we take our personal cutlery and our mugs back to the billet just before the next 4 and a half hours of training sessions for this afternoon begin. "How did your lessons go this morning then lads?" George asks us. It is nice to see how different all the squads are. "I think it went well. Started getting along with all the squad members now including Brody which is something that I was not expecting," I tell him. Jordon would have spat out his drink if he had a mouth then I said my last sentence.
"He's not as bad as you think. It is just a front he has put on; he is actually really nice. Before Danny was partnered with him I was partnered with him whilst Danny was out, and he is really nice. He told us both it is just a front that he puts on and he wants to change," Dylan says. We both have the same story to tell because we are in the same squad and Matt and Jordon will also have the same story. "I guess if he makes an effort to be nicer and friendlier then I should too," Jordon says, and I smile. We will all have to put our differences aside when it comes to later on in training. If they send us to the frontline then they will most likely send their strongest squads out there. That means we may have to work with someone we might not initially like.
"That's good Jordon. I know it is hard but accepting Brody will go a long way into proving how much of a good solider you are. We're all being assessed all the time to see if we have the qualities it takes to rise up in the ranks," Rigo says. He is right though, we do not often realise it, but they are observing us all the time to see how we react and how we behave all the time to see which ranks we deserve. Rigo has told me about people that have been there on the same day he arrived, and they have only just been promoted to sergeant while he is 5 ranks ahead of them. He even said we would be sergeants and that guy would only just be sergeant major. Some people will be in the same squad as you and be several ranks behind you.
"It's weird being in the Tank crew. It is like they are still going through all of the things that you are learning but they are telling us almost every lesson as soon as America starts producing tanks then we are going to switch. I also don't get along that well with my squad members just yet," Jorel says. I think they are just jealous because they are not as skilled or amazing as Jorel is. I know there is a guy who Jorel said was more of an idiot than Brody acted. That is some skill because even Brody admitted that he acted like quite an idiot. "I wish I could get Dan transferred into your crew, but they are extremely picky on who goes in and those that are not in the Tank crew are destined for other equally great squads," George tells him.
I feel bad for Jorel. I would love for him to have someone he gets along with like Jordon and Mattie have and that Dylan. "If it gets too bad let one of us know and we will try and sort something out to make the members of your crew friendlier with you. There should not be any bulling, or they will get black bagged*," Rigo says, earning him confused looks from the newer guys. I was surprised that they did not mention being black bagged on our first day here. "Black bagged means basically if you have done something really naughty you get changed into your civilian clothes and your army uniform and stuff goes into a black bag and you get sent home never to return to the army again," I tell them. It was something that I was taught from an early age.
"Ah so being black bagged is something that you want to avoid like the plague," Dylan says, and Rigo nods. That is pretty much how I would explain why I would not want to ever be black bagged. It also damages your pride to be sent home in this way. Consider it to be a dishonourable discharge because that is basically what it is. Nobody and I mean nobody wants to leave the military this way. It is definitely something that even if you just mentioned the word black bag to someone they would straighten up immediately. Kyle has been the only one of us who has ever been threatened with it and he said it was the scariest thing he has ever experienced in his life. Everyone in the camp at the time would not stop talking about it for weeks.
We had a good afternoon of training. Today we were the first group allowed on the shooting range to practice shooting targets. We have done some shooting before as it was one of the first tests that we had done before we moved up to the level we are on now. We need to be good at shooting before we move up and potentially get sent onto the frontlines. They do not want to send people who are not good with the weapons and can not shoot their enemies. "How is it that you Murillo men are spot on with your targets all the time?" The officer overseeing the lesson asks. I was not surprised that I was going to be asked that because he would have taught Rigo and Kyle the same things that he is teaching me right now.
"Father used to make us practice on paper targets first then on live animals like chickens or rabbits while we were growing up. I think he wanted us to sign up for the military, but I am not sure sir," I explain being as honest as possible. There was nothing else I could say which would be a realistic explanation as to why I am only a month and 11 days into my military career, and I can shoot targets like someone who has been in their career for 5 years or more. I could have lied, however considering Rigo and George are usually involved with all the meetings they would tell it was a lie straight away. "Rigo and Kyle both said the same thing when I asked them. I should have known it was the same for you as well," the officer says, he knew I was telling the truth.
In our fieldcraft lesson today we are learning about the things we will need for our first camping task. We will be sleeping in what is called a Basha. It is like a tent only it is a long sheet of waterproofed fabric with eyelets which we use pegs and bungee cords to secure it to the ground and potentially a tree depending on your location. It does not have the luxury of doors to keep the wind, side rain or the cold out. However, you are not supposed to have a comfortable life when you are out on the field doing missions. I suppose that was something that I already knew because my father made sure I had an extremely uncomfortable life from an early age. He made us all spend a night in a Basha on our own with nothing to eat or drink or to sleep in when we were 5 years old.
I am definitely beginning to realise just how truly fucked up my childhood actually was. No father would make their child sleep under just a waterproof sheet shaped like a tent with no survival gear when they are only 5 years old. That is one thing I am going to keep to myself though, no one needs to know about how fucked up my childhood was. I would tell the guys though because it is helping with my recovery mentally to open up more about how I feel. I might talk to Rigo about that later because I was traumatised when I was 5 and the prospect of sleeping overnight in a Basha, even sharing it with Dylan seems terrifying. I have to do it though, but I am sure that my older brother will give me the pep talk that I need to get through this.
Dinner was pretty uneventful really, we just discussed how the rest of the lessons went and I asked Rigo if I could have another private chat with him during personal time. Drill sergeant time was equally uneventful, and we sent our next updates to our families. Our drill sergeant had been informed of me waking up screaming at 4.30 am this morning and had asked if I was okay. He wanted me to be honest with him and if there was anything that he could do to help me then I had to let him know no matter how stupid I find my situation being. I told him that I had a night terror and it was about the attack that happened before I left for camp which he knew about. I was lying, but I was not going to tell him the truth especially in front of everyone in the mess hall.
People eavesdrop no matter how quiet the conversation is between you and the other person. If you happen to say anything it could be misheard then spread around the camp like wildfire. You do not want to say anything which could be taken out of context and then become rumours which you both have to disprove to your squad members, but also your drill sergeant and the commanding officers. I might have just done that myself by asking to have a private chat with my older brother, but I really do not give a shit at this point. I know if I delay this talk then I am going to screw myself over. I do not want to get to the night before we leave on our overnight camping exercise and have a panic attack because I really do not want to do it anymore.
Jordon and Dylan decided that they were going to clean the billet when we got in after our drill sergeant time. Jorel wanted to be part of the conversation and I did not mind and neither did Rigo. Jorel is like a brother to me as I have mentioned before. "What's up Dan?" Rigo asks me. I sit on his dresser and they sit on the bed. "We had our first fieldcraft lesson centred around the Bashas today and it just sent me right back to when I was five and I spend that night out in the back yard," I tell him. It was vague but it was all Jorel and Rigo needed to know. Jorel got off the bed and hopped onto the dresser and I rest my head on his shoulder. "I definitely felt the same when I was in your level of training. I was in the same squad as George at the time which was a fricking God send in my opinion," he tells me.
This is one of those moment where I probably wish Jorel was with me. I am sure that Rigo will tell him about it so that he knows why I would probably be a little more emotional and quieter when we do spend the night out in the nearest field. "Yeah, I am a bit scared of going if I am being honest with you," I tell him. I should probably discuss a different topic because we turn the lights out in an hour, and I do not want to wake up screaming for the second morning in a row. "I know you will be bud; I'll mention to Dylan and see if you can cuddle up in the Basha like George and I did that night. We were lucky that we did not have to do anything that night and I could deal with it," Rigo tells me. I am sort of hoping that will happen with me.
I do doubt it though, because back then they did not have as high of a reputation from the Murillo boys as they do now. We will just have to wait and see what happens. I go over to Rigo and he pulls me onto his lap to hug me whilst he tells me somewhat of a bedtime story. We have done this pretty consistently since I was 5 and even now as an adult I still enjoy listening to his stories. Even Jorel enjoys his stories as we start winding down for bed. I had taken my boots off and put the layer of polish on them and washed up before I started my conversation with Rigo in case I fall asleep before I make it to my bed. If we all make it out of this alive Rigo has to start making children's bedtime stories and he would be highly successful with it as well.
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And that is the end of another chapter! I hope you enjoyed. Let me know what you think down below.
*fun fact: as I have mentioned before a lot of these descriptions and events are based on my time in the UK Army Cadets which is something I thoroughly enjoyed through my early teen years. I slept in a billet, was told that if we stepped out of line on a weekend in camp then we would be black bagged and I slept in a Basha in a field on the camp for two nights.