Camila's POV
I'm currently laying on Lillian's couch as she sits on the couch where Ace and his dad use to sit everyday after school, she has a blanket wrapped around her as she stares blankly at the television, I've been spending time with her, we've not been doing are usual baking and laughing. It's been more laying on the couches for five days as we binge a tv show called pretty little lairs, I've been paying attention just to keep my mind of Ace, I wish it was easy but it seems to be getting harder the longer he's gone. The aching pain in my chest is never going away.
Lillian doesn't seem to be paying any attention to the show, I can tell her mind is a million miles away, she's been taking pills again to help her sleep because if not she cries in bed begging god not to take her son too. We've barely had a conversation just a lot of one answer questions and most of the time it's to Brad, Ash and Julia. Julia is going home tomorrow she apologised telling me she has to get back to work but I understand.
I should be at work too but Mrs Teller understands why I don't feel like coming in. My entire body is weak and I feel extremely tired all the time, I can't eat and it takes me forever to sleep. I still have hope that he'll come back to me, to us. If he doesn't...I think I may die, I can't lose my mother and the man I love a year apart from one and other. Asher has taken more time off work, he explained to them and they also understood. I wish he'd go back though, as bad as it sounds I don't want him here, he keeps asking if I'm okay and I just want to be left alone.
Hannah and George have been in and out with groceries all week checking up on Lillian and I as Ash and Brad practically babysit us. I've spoken to Hannah she said George is taking it hard but is remaining strong for his kids, Brad and Lillian. She hasn't said weather they're back together, I think she doesn't want to talk about it incase it pulls a string of mine but I'd happily talk about anything to keep my mind off Ace and breaking down again.
I look towards Lillian, her pale face and gloomy eyes stare lifelessly at the television, her feet curled beside her as she rests her head back against the couch. I hate seeing her like this, I hate feeling like this. He needs to come home, I need him back. We all do.
I look back at the tv, I can't look at her anymore it's too heartbreaking. My emotions are ready to pour out but I won't allow them in front of her, I don't want add on to her problems. My tongue presses against the roof of my mouth as I hold back my tears as I think of him.
When we were at the lake house, in the hot tub laughing about who can hold their breath longer, Ace swore he could hold it longer and he kept beating me until I realised he was cheating and not going under the water until I came up. It was hilarious as we spent the entire night laughing. When I would wake up to the beautiful lake view as he holds my naked body flushed to his, I'd do anything to go back in time to be at that level of happiness again. Even if I knew it was the last time. I'd do anything to get him back sitting right next to me, even if he's in a foul mood or one of his happiest smiley moods, I'll take him either way.
I feel like every time my happiness comes it gets taken away just like everyone around me, I remember Julia saying her fairytale with Ash was temporary so what if my happiness is only temporary. What if that was the last sliver of happiness I'll ever get, what if this is my life...constantly feeling low and weak. Is that all I'll get from now on?
Medical school was a bust, my job is a bust and is leading nowhere and now my love life is and I don't think I can love someone else the way I do Ace. I'm still holding on to the little hope I have but how long can I hold that for? A month? Three months? Six months? Twelve? I don't think I could bare being without him for a whole year. It aches just thinking of it.
Lillian moves and my eyes snap towards her bringing me from my thoughts, she sits up and the blanket falls from her chest, "I'm going to bed" she stands dragging her feet towards the living room archway.
"Okay" I say as I watch her leave and disappear upstairs.
I turn off the tv and the room falls dull, the little lighting coming from the lit fireplace. I sit up feeling my whole body cold, I pull the blanket off from the back of the couch and sit in front of the fireplace leaning back against the coffee table.
My thoughts float to Ace again as I gaze at the cracking fire in front of me.
"Hey, you okay?" I hear Brad's voice behind me.
I don't bother to turn around to him, "Yeah, where's Ash?"
"Sleep" he sits down beside me and does the exact same as me, staring at the fire ahead. He pulls a bottle of beer out from his side and looks at me, "Looks like you need one" he hands me the cold beer.
I don't drink but at this moment in time, I think I need to allow my head to relax. I take it from him and twist the top off placing the cap behind me on the coffee table, I sip the cold liquid feeling the fizz go down my throat.
"Do you think he's really gone?" My eyes don't leave the fire.
"Remember when I was gone and Ma she had hope that I'd be back, this time...she doesn't because she thinks god won't allow both of her sons to come back safe and sound, and one thing about Ma...she's always right"
"Do you...have hope?"
He glances down at me with glossy eyes and takes a sip of his own beer, "I don't want to lie to you Camila, I don't. He's strong but...I don't know he just feels gone and Ma feels it too"
I chew on the inside of my cheek and look back at the fire. He doesn't feel gone to me, it doesn't feel real, "He's really gone huh?" My voice hoarse.
"Yeah, but he'll always be watching after us" his eyes divert to the fireplace, "George and I have decided to have a memorial service next week"
"But he's only been gone four weeks, he can still come back" my head whips to him.
"He's gone, Camila" His voice cracks, his eyes not looking at me. I feel my eyes water at the thought and I lay my head on his shoulder.
He's can't just be...gone.
He lays his head on mine taking another swig of his beer and I do the same.
"Can you give a speech?" He asks.
"Of course" I should be used to it now, right? Should be easy for me to do. Well it's not. Every death is just as hard.
We sit in comfortable silence drinking our beer, now on our second one. It feels nice to talk to someone but doesn't make it hurt less. I lift my head from his shoulder.
"Brad?"
"Yeah" he looks down at me.
"Thank you, for taking care of me. You don't really have to"
He shrugs, "It's fine least I know you and Ma are safe"
We stare into each other's eyes for a moment, I slowly move my head closer to his. His eyes not leaving mine as he watches me carefully move in closer, my eyes pinging back and forth to his eyes and lips.
He moves down touching my lips softly with his, the soft kiss deepens as my tongue finds his. My hand reaches up touching the side of his face pulling him closer, I moan quietly but comes out as more of a whimper, he stands up quickly jumping back.
"Y-You can't do that" he stutters breathing heavy in surprise.
My eyes widen and I cover my mouth with my hand in complete shock of what i just did.
"I like you but you're my brothers girl even if he isn't here, you'll always be his!" He raises his voice beginning to stress out. "I know he loves you, loved you but you can't do that again, okay" he corrects 'loves' to 'loved' and it hits my chest hard.
"I-I'm sorry, I-I don't know why I did that" I stand up stuttering all over he place, placing the beer onto the coffee table onto a coaster.
"It's fine, just don't tell anyone because I'll be called the bad guy..I'm sorry" he apologies and I'm not sure why.
"I won't" I shake my head.
"I'm going to bed, will you be okay here?"
"Yeah"
"Night" he practically runs out the room and upstairs.
Why the fuck did I do that!?
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Double update again, yayy😭
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