Cher
Dark sunglasses, again.
All the way to the port, I watched him secretly from the corner of my eyes. I mean, I cannot understand why he is wearing them again. Okay, no, let me rephrase; yes, I understand why he is wearing them, simply because he is not comfortable... yet, but I want him to be because he is a beauty, I cannot believe he decided to hide such perfection.
Anyway, the ride back to the port was this; silence. Verbal silence between him and I. Africa by Toto was playing in the radio, the driver has put it pretty loud, it was a wall between us.
I feel bad and through the whole ride of fifteen minutes I felt bad. I did not know why but I wanted to cry, I still want to cry. There is this foreboding in me that is telling me that things will be hard and tense back on the cruise, precisely, the current situation between us. I am not moronic and definitely not blind, I saw how it is difficult for him to live just a little bit and on the cruise, I cannot imagine how hard and troublesome this is going to be.
But I am desperately trying to stay calm and keep on thinking about what he told me, 'we will figure it out.' Of course we will figure it out, I want this to last, I want to experience and to live in his arms not matter the cost of it.
We are now standing in front of The Saint Jones, waiting for them to place the gangway so that we can get back on the cruise. The surrounding is packed of people who are waiting as well, they are loudly talking, laughing, everyone seems to have had a good time.
"You're okay?" I lift my head and come across his sunglasses. It is annoying knowing that I have seen the treasure behind them and that now I will have to do with what I have because of the eyes are others.
"Yes. You are?"
"Totally," he replies, his jaw clenching.
I know he is not okay, I am not either. Are we lying to each other? Yes, is this good for our relationship? No. But I do not think it is lying, it is more like; protecting, yes, we are protecting each other from something, something I cannot portray yet.
Suddenly, I feel something touching my fingers, I look down and find his fingers next to mine, asking for acceptance so he can entwines our fingers together. I look around us, thinking about what can be the outcomes of this gesture. Someone can see us, he will get in trouble.
"Do you think we can do this?" I ask with anxiety, eyes skimming around.
"It's okay, act normally," he utters, moves slightly behind me and slides his fingers into mine. We hold hands with so much of precautions. I feel a rush of excitement driving in me, this is shockingly exciting yet ridiculously scary.
The warm of his skin against mine is reassuring, I feel less alone and sad. My eyes roves around me, there are so many people, cannot count them. Suddenly, my eyes fall on him, the blond guy, the one who told me about Julian's feelings, he's walking up to us, clutching a bag on his shoulder.
His hair is absurdly shining under the sunlight, making it gold. He too is wearing sunglasses, a drab top with blue shorts, mixed with white slippers. I can clearly see the corner of his mouth lifting up as if he is saying something from afar. He knows I am looking at him.
"Oh my God, you're alive!" He says excitedly as soon as he arrives in front of us. Julian's fingers slide away from mine.
I look at him but retrieve myself from frowning at him and look back at this guy. He took his sunglasses off his face, now they are hanging on the chain around his red neck. He looks at me, smiles then he looks at Julian and pushes him to him so they can hug. Julian stumbles forward and fall in his arms as the guy wraps his strong arms around Julian's torso. They look like a couple who have not seen each other for years.
"Bro, you have to stop doing that, stop disappearing like that," says blond guy as soon as they pull apart.
"How was your time here?" Julian asks, showing nothing close to excitement in his voice.
"You won't believe it, I've met the pearl, you'll drool in front of her," he says, his smile is literally reaching his ears, then he nudges him.
Julian clears his throat beside me, while I am looking everywhere, from him to the blond guy and the cruise. This is stupid but I feel bad, I do not know who this guy is for him, but it seems like they are pretty close, good colleagues, good friends, so why did he slide his fingers off of mine? I should not go paranoid about the question, it is just a simple releasing of the fingers, nothing bad.
"Oh, how rude of mine. Cher, right?" He turns to me, eyes smiling, shining, showing happiness and joy, then he pulls his hands forward, waiting for a handshake.
"Y–yes," I seek to smile while shaking his hand.
"I think I never made the presentation," he laughs, we are still shaking our hands, well, he is shaking mine and is not letting go. "My name is Justin," he says, smiling wider.
"Great, nice to meet you," I say, praying when he is going to release my hand. But apparently he is not going to do it anytime soon, as he keeps talking but is still holding my hand. I mean, he is not hurting me, at all, actually he is holding my hand as if he is holding a precious vase.
"Damn, your hair is absolutely stunning," he says, his eyes stuck on my hair. Yeah, stunning, if he knew with what this 'stunning' thing was made of.
"Thank you."
"Justin," Julian says with an air of finality.
"Oh sorry, sorry, I was just–..." He clears his throat and smiles again while he releases my hand slowly. "Anyway, you're beautiful," he says to me and I nod, what else can I say? Thank you of course, but the words does not want to get out, besides, if he knew how I really look like, he would not have said this. Period.
"Where the others are?" Julian asks.
"Other there," Justin, blond guy, points to other side of the port, where a lot of people are standing in groups. I recognize a woman that were with Julian's friend yesterday when we were going to the restaurant. She is already looking other here, at us, her eyebrows are clutching, her long brown hair are slamming on her face, due to the intense wind.
Another woman is standing next to her, her back to us, she has her arms around the waist of a man who has his around her shoulders. I wonder if she too works on the Saint Jones. I look back at Julian, he is still talking to blond guy, at this moment I am not even listening, I am completely drowned in his beauty.
What is going through his mind right now? I wonder. Because he seems elsewhere in his head, yes he is standing here talking to Justin but it seems that he is not here mentally. I wonder if he is scared as well, because I am definitely scared, my heart is beating louder and louder as I know the time is coming.
His hands are by his sides, I cannot stop looking at his fingers, if only we could still be holding hands, it would have felt nice.
Suddenly, noises emerges loudly around me, I look up and realize that the gangways are descending, this is it. I look at it going down, as if my life is going down with it. People are coming forward, some are impatient to go back on the cruise, in their rooms.
What am I impatient of? Nothing much actually. I just want to call my dad because it has been days since I got no news and I also need to speak with Chenle because not talking to her is annoying and too childish. But I am also want to cuddle with him, to kiss him, to be alone with him but the thing is, I have no idea how we are going to do that.
When the gangway touches the land, people starts climbing up. We make lines for our own securities. Julian stays close behind me, I can feel his left hand on my waist discretely. A deep breath fill my lungs and I tell myself that everything will be fine, he said it himself, we will figure it out.
~°~
My room smells of powder and makeup. As soon as I have get in, I have opened the window and put on the air conditioner to bloom away the previous air.
I took a bath, washed my hair, no, washed my wig, then I have let it dry before I have straightened it. Now it is resting somewhere on the bathroom counter. It feels so nice to be free from it, but above all, it feels so nice to be free of all the makeups and products that were on my face, it was getting too much and too thick.
Sleeping with makeup is super dangerous and before last night I have never did it. Now thinking back to it, my heart accelerates as I remember how frustrated and scared I was. The first thing I was scared of was his reaction, I thought he would ask me about it, that he would have told me to take it off, like he once told me 'to take it off and to not care about him'. If only I could not care about him.
This morning, when I woke up, when our eyes met, I knew what was dancing in his mind, it was clearly shown in his beautiful eyes, he was curious, he wanted to know and I crazily wanted to get off the bed. Actually, it is wonderful to be with him, it is all I want now but it is also extremely nerve racking.
I sigh, I should stop torturing myself with these thoughts. My eyes falls on my phone that is charging and the first thing that comes to my mind is calling my father. I get off the bed and make my way towards my phone. It is been more than 45 minutes since we were allowed to get back on the cruise and loneliness is knocking on my door, it is just that now, it does not feel as welcoming as the beginning.
I remember as soon as we reached the wooden floor of the cruise, Julian had grabbed my arm, he was walking so fast, as if scared something would fall on us. He brought me near the stairs that goes to the back of the cruise, he told me he will see me tonight if possible and promised me that he will do what is in his will to come and see me. We kissed, the kind of kiss that makes you want more, slow, sensual, full of emotions, then he walked away with his bags and sunglasses.
I sigh again, this is completely ridiculous, I cannot stop thinking of him. This is going too far, is not it?
My phone slides between my fingers as I take it off the charger. I turn the Wi-Fi on and call dad. I miss him so much, I miss them both so much. I wonder what they are doing with their days, what is he doing with his days? I hope he is doing great and productive things like hanging out with Jean and learning more about her.
"Hello sweety!" He shouts as soon as he takes the call. His white face is what I see, right on the frame which shocks me in a good way because dad was not supposed to be good with phone, yet he is holding it with so professionalism. I smile at him, showing him how happy I am to see him.
"Hello dad, how are you?" I ask, waving at him.
"I'm so happy to see you. I'm fine, you know the routine. How are you?" He asks, smiling.
"Super great!"
"Oh, I'm seeing that. You're bald, where's the wig, have you lost it somewhere?" He asks, clearly joking.
He likes to joke about my wig, so does Chenle who apparently could not live one whole 24 hours without making a bad joke about it. Dad always wanted me to embrace what I have and who I really am, he was kind of against the wig, against all the wigs I had. But he learned how to accept the fact that I was not good in my skin.
"It is in the bathroom, I wanted to be hairless for a while," I laugh. For real, I needed this, this hollow on my head.
"You're beautiful my baby girl," he says sincerely, he always says everything sincerely to us, always.
He is probably the only person who I truly trust when he said that I am beautiful, maybe because he saw me, the true me. He saw everything of me, I cannot hide in front of my father, he knows it all. But it still hurts when someone utter the words to me, sometimes it is like they are mocking me because I know that I am not beautiful... at all.
Right now, I can see my face in my phone, above dad's face and honestly, there is nothing beautiful with this face of mine. My lips are practically as white as my skin, as if blood has drained away. The skin of my left ear and the left part of my head is disgusting, ugly, so ugly. I look like a white pig, minus the face and the grunts.
"Whatever, how is the trip going?" He asks, changing the subject as he realizes I was not going to answer.
"Good. We are back on the sea, we were at the Caribbean yesterday!" I say. What a beautiful time I had. We had.
"Oh, really?! How was it?"
"Awesome dad, I have taken some pictures, I will send them to you later. No, I will send them to Chenle so she can show them to you," I say. Sending them to dad will be a disaster, he will not find them, that is for sure.
"Good. You look happy, and when you're happy I'm happy as well," he says, smiling lovingly. It melts my heart to see him like that, smiling from the bottom of his heart. I am proud that I am part of the reasons why my dad is happy.
There is nothing better than a happy father.
The love of a father means everything.
Love yourself and embrace your imperfections
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Emily X 🌻