Seconds felt like minutes, as well as minutes felt like hours. I felt strongly overwhelmed, I felt confused and hurt all in one. Carter kissed me. He did so without much of a word, and disappeared as a ghost. As I watched his retreating form exit the door, I couldn't catch him.
As those devastating hours passed, not once did I see Carter walk back in through the entrance. I had no leads on where he was, where he ran to. It dawned on me as I sat in painful memories, that I don't even know Carter like I thought I did. I don't know what hurts him, or what aids him. I don't know where he would go to comfort himself. Or who he would go to.
All I could do was sit here and wait.
I only had time on my side, nothing else matters. I have nothing else.
So I will wait. I will wait for him to come to me.
———————
Sunday
———————
It wasn't a surprise once I woke up to an unoccupied bed across the room. There wasn't even a sign of him ever arriving at all.
I could only stare at my bare hands. Despite being clean, I could still see the traces of the blood dripping down my fingers and palms. I could still see the pain I had caused to myself in past time, along with the pain Andrew once gave me. My vision doubled and tripled, and it took me some time to realize I was crying. The blood I saw through my hallucination was replaced with water, as they dropped and collapsed in my hands. I release a small sob and scrub my eyes aggressively with my palms, digging them in until my eyes started to ache.
I can't stop the tears, nothing I can do will stop them.
Are you okay?
"N-no... No i'm not." I sob out, scrubbing my eyes with my blanket. I felt like a baby. It's been a while since I cried so much like now. Everything seems so surreal. I inhale through my nose, the snot making it sound horrid, as I look up to an empty room. I am hearing nothing. I felt like I heard his voice, as if he was here despite it not being true. He wouldn't want me to cry.
Come on, Liam. Get up.
My breath wavers as I shift my legs to hang off the bed.
Get up.
I ignore the pain in my arms and legs as I force my body up off the mattress. I ignore the soft meows from Mocha below.
I staggered and limped as I grabbed ahold of my nearby table, hoping it will carry my weight. Tears were still falling, the sound of them bursting in miniature puddles filled my ears as if they were loud drums.
You're having a panic attack, breath Liam. It's okay. I'm here.
That voice— I look back over to Carter's bed. Even though it was blurry, I could still make out a large figure as they seated themselves. Who?
Breath.
I take in another breath and push myself straight up again. The shape didn't move in the slightest at my movements, so with slow steps, I advance towards it. Nothing.
But the moment I reached the destination, it was gone. Just like when Carter vanished, it was just gone.
I listen, and take in slow amounts of oxygen into my lungs, releasing the carbon back into the room. It took a few minutes until I could finally see the room clearly, my tears finally decreasing as only one or two continued down my cheeks.
It has passed.
I need to battle my demons head on, they want me to panic, to freak out. So I must fight back.
I grab random clean clothes and slip them on. First is Matthew. I must deal with Matthew, tell him the truth.
————
Me: Hey Matthew. You aren't busy are you? Can I come over?
I hesitate slightly before pressing down send. I felt nervous about ending things with him. The way he acts around me and the way he treats me... it reminds me of how I looked at Adam all those years ago. The way I look at Carter now. To imagine them leaving me— ending things with me, is devastating. So how will Matthew feel?
Horrible. You're gonna make him feel horrible.
I don't even notice my grip tightening around my phone until I could see the faint whites in my knuckles.
Just ignore the voices Liam.
I pocket my phone and continue down the dorm room halls.
As much as I need to collect my education, I decide against it. Not today. My mental stability isn't in the most positive state at the moment.
I arrive to my locker, digging out any small homework assignments before two hands jump up behind me.
"Liam!! Guess who~!" I could feel my head fall heavily towards my open locker in displeasure.
"Yes, Julie?" I sigh, her arms grabbing my shoulder to turn me around. Her hair was up in a ponytail, her eyes shining bright.
"Will you go out with me? I feel like we don't see each other anymore..." her face drops to a pout, and her arms fold across her chest, "Sooo maybe, if you accept me?" I mirror her stance and lean back against the lockers, trying to ignore the little stumble that was present.
"Where in your brain did you think I would say yes?"
"Why are you so... weird? Is there something wrong with me?" As much as I want to scream out, you're a girl!, I just held it in.
"I've told you before, so let me say it again. I'm not into bitches like you. Goodbye, Julie." I ignore her fumes and rages as I slammed my locker and walked on. I won't let a female pull me down.
——————
Another two hours passed and not once did Matthew reply. I knew he had classes, but they should've been over by now. Is he mad? Does he know my plans?
I question myself the entire walk back to my dorm room, but right when I enter i'm frozen in place. Carter— the boy who's been taking over my mind constantly is in front of me. He must not know i've entered because he only continued grabbing most of his belongings, not even sparing me a glance. I only opened my mouth and he released a gasp, dropping everything to the floor. And then— we made eye contact. Or so it would be considered.
Yet as he looked at me, it felt so worrisome and broken. The normal spark I felt meeting eye to eye was gone and only replaced with sorrow. We fucked up. He fucked up. You could tell on his face.
'Why did I kiss Liam? So disgusting.'
I can only imagine his lips moving as my inner demon's spoke.
As none of us said a word, he starts to collect his stuff again. He wouldn't even let Mocha stumble over to him with 'em slapping her away. Where is he going?
It felt soft and muted, but I found myself speaking,
"Are we gonna talk?" He stood in place once he grabbed his things, his vision on his bed. He opened his mouth, but no words were said. He only released his breath and turned to slip passed me. "You can't just.... you can't do that to me Carter."
I didn't know if he heard me, I don't know if he even tried to understand. The sound of the door clicked, and like always... i'm alone.
——————
After another session of me being depressed in my dorm room, I decided to grab something to bite at a cafe.
No part of me wanted to go out into the town, but me growing insane was something worse then going.
To keep my mind from wondering during the walk there, I played mobile games. Not that they did a major job at hiding my dark thoughts, it got the minor part done.
Left, right, right, left, right
And then I saw him.
A man, he appears to be taller than me, with jet black hair and gloomy grey eyes. He was staring; from across the street, his eyes were glaring me down not once moving away. What the hell?
Run.
I can't leave. My muscles are frozen in place, and fought all signals sent to them to function. What do I do?
Liam.
"Agh—!" I felt my mind shift, pull, and tug all at the same time. My hands start grabbing at my hair, pulling at the roots. It needs to stop, pain needs to stop. There is no one there, no one there.
But as I look back up, my eyes meet the same other pair. He hasn't moved.
Liam, come
Then, I was hyperventilating. My body started to shake and soon all I could see was static. Memories. Voices. Who?
I grabbed at my chest, hoping it would help level my breathing, when the guy finally moved. He sped down the sidewalk, and as if my legs had minds of their own, I started to follow.
I run across the street,
Re—mem—ber
I follow around a corner,
You must remem—
Down an alley,
Remember—!
But, he was gone.
Just like another ghost, he was gone.
—————
"Sir?" My body jumps as a young girl gently taps my shoulder. I was currently at the cafe, aggressively sipping at my coffee when the worker tapped my shoulder. "Your, uh, your sandwich." She stuttered, placing the plate down in front of me. I don't find any words to say which causes me to nod instead. "Have a good day sir." And as if she could see the demons circling me, she ran as quick as she could. It's for the best.
I take another long sip of my drink when I felt my phone vibrate. Maybe it's Matthew—
What?
Unknown: Liam, you need to remember.
My eyes unfocused then and there. My hands shake from my unsteady grip. Not again, not again!
Just answer— just....
Me: Remember what? Who are you?! How do you know my name and number?!
My finger hovered over the send button for what felt like several hours, when finally I press down.
"Liam! Thank god I found you." I jerked once again, looking up at the figure. Grey eyes, black hair, no... no no no no— "Are you okay?" When I blinked the person I once saw was washed away, and instead I was met with a gorgeous eyes that I know heaven would never reject. Adam...
"Y-yeah... yeah i'm fine." His face shifted to one that knew I was clearly lying, but luckily for me he quickly dropped it and instead sat on the seat in front of me. "Were you.. looking for me?" I ask, twirling the substance in my cup awkwardly with the straw.
"Well, I was trying to get ahold of Carter, but that stubborn little ass of his wouldn't answer. I even messaged you on DM but you wouldn't answer either. So instead I came here for a quick little bite when I caught sight of you. Coincidence huh?" He laughed, waving over the same girl from before.
"What for?"
"Carter's truck is ready for him to take. My car is finally back in my hands. Let him know for me, okay? Unless he decides to answer."
"Hello, sir. What would you like?"
"Same as him please."
"Yes, of course." Her smile and blushed cheeks almost gave her away. She gave him a slight unnoticeable wink and went back to the front.
"I think she likes you Adam." I chuckle out. It almost felt foreign to me, because all day I felt trapped in a dark place. Of course Adam would pull me out, no matter what he's doing, he succeeds. I'll always love Adam, no matter if I love someone else that overpowers my love for him, my feelings will still exist.
"Jokes on her, i'm gay." He laughs, tucking small strands of hair behind his ears. Right after he grew quiet, looking back down at the table between us. "Are you really doing okay Liam? I can't stop thinking of back then. Back when you said your whole family situation. Can you be honest with me?" He looked back up to me during his talk, and I could even see his hand twitch, as if he wanted to reach out, but somethings stopping him.
No, Liam is not okay.
"It's been years since then. I made it this far." Adam was about to retort back to me when he quickly switched his planned words to a hush, and right after the girl came back with his coffee and sandwich.
"Here you go, sir." She squeaks out, before shuffling back over to her coworkers, who seemed to be giggling at the whole ordeal.
"I think we're being watched." Being watched.
Being watched— watched—
"Hey, Liam." My eyes shift as he snapped in my face. "You're zoning out again."
"I—" I glance back over to the group of girls. The main one was blushing and shoving, the others just laughing and teasing. He meant the girls, Liam. The girls are watching.
Not just them—
"I think so too." I gasp out snatching up my coffee. "I need to go. Thanks for the news report, i'll let Carter know." If I ever see him again.
"No, Liam, wait. Please wait." Of course as I stood to leave, his hand grasped my wrist making me stop in place. "Text me. Message me at least. Please."
"Okay." I give him a small smile as he released my wrist. You could tell he was hesitant. He was scared I would run and never return. But all he could do was trust me. And he did, as his hand fell limp to his side.
"Take care of your self Liam. I don't want to lose you, it took me forever to find you again."
"You say that like I'm going to kill myself." A forced laugh leaves my tongue, but of course he wasn't buying it. Either that, or he didn't find my suicidal joke funny.
"I'm not saying that... it's just.."
"E-excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt but I uh—" like before, the girl with a crush walks up, blushing uncontrollably as she peaks back at her friends cheering her on. "Can I have your number?" She blurted out. Adam only blinked over at her, and as his attention was lost, I ran out. As fast as I could go— I ran out.
"Liam!" I ignore the calls out to me— he wasn't following, which was good. So I run as far as my legs could take me until I stop to catch my breath.
Ding
My breath wavers almost causing me to choke as I pull out my cell. I was almost certain my phone read out the unknown number again, but my eyes focused rather quickly. It was only Matthew.
Matthew ?❤️? — Sorry... I had classes and then I went to the gym with some friends. I'm home now so come on over!
I huff out a few more breaths and lean back against the nearby wall. I just need to calm down. Today is just panic fuel— everything that took place today was all in my head. All in my head. I laugh under my broken lungs and look up at the setting sun. This entire year has tore me apart. When I said to fight my demons— it's nearly impossible.
They just keep multiplying. One disappears and another takes its place, which is stronger than the last. I've always had them, even as a boy. This is the year with the strongest, and this time... I don't know if I can win.
————————
I was at Matthew's door for minutes, or a few seconds, I don't really know. I didn't want to knock, nor do I want to see his face. I never ask to come over, never, so I wonder if he's excited or worried. So finally, after preparing the right words, I knock.
I could hear him shuffling to answer the door.
The smile on his face said it all, he was excited. He was happy to see me. Oh if only he knew. If only he knew my reasoning.
"Liam! Oh my god, you showed up. You didn't answer back so I assumed you've changed your mind. Come in!" My frown was still mildly present as he pulled back the door, but he cursed while doing so as he tripped over some shoes, "shit—! Ignore the mess, i'm so sorry." Even though I don't respond, I hear him clearly and stepped over his shoes. The door shut behind me and I find myself scanning his room. It was your typical sports player room and it appeared his roommate wasn't present currently. The room was also messier than usual. "You want a drink or anything? Sorry, i'm so happy right now. You never come over that often." I shake my head and hope he noticed it. I couldn't look at him without breaking down.
"Alright.. well, want to sit? Talk for a bit?" He asks, peaking over my shoulder so he could look at my face. It was then all light he once had when he opened the door had faded. I know that look so well— a look of fear. I see it everyday on my face. "I-Is there... something wrong?"
"We need to talk." I whispered, turning to look away from him. I need to hide my face. His face hurts me. Hurts.
"W-wait. Here." My eyes widen ever so slightly. A small little grey box entered my line of sight. "It's a gift. For you." The box was slowly blurring as my shaky hands grabbed ahold of the box. "It's nothing special... but I hope you know i'm here." I hear him back away slightly as I open the box. It almost slipped from my grip because of my trembling hands. My plan was falling apart— breaking at the seams.
I'm looking down at a dog tag. It was shiny and new, with a craving along the middle.
Love, Matthew
"I—" my voice breaks. There was nothing I could say, as I felt my vision blur once again. This time, from tears. Memories of gifts, memories of those who once loved me and cared for me.
Matthew cares. Why would he care for me? Me out of all people...
And you're only gonna break his heart.
Just like how yours broke so long ago.
"Liam? Oh my god— i'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you cry...!" His panic radiated off to where I could feel it so well. I close my eyes, along with my fist as I wrapped my fingers along the tag, dropping the box in the process.
"Wh-why... why me?" I sob out, trying my damn hardest to not look up at him. It was hard, because his hands worked so hard to force it. He pulled my head up, wiping my tears away with his thumbs.
"Please— d-don't cry. I'm sorry." I take in a snotty breath. Even with my ugly crying, even with the thick wet substance running from my nose, he kept holding on. His hands never loosened. "I want... I want you to breath Liam."
Just breath Liam— it's all a bad dream.
I do as he says, ignoring the voices in my head. My inner demon were gone for now. It's just me and Matthew.
"There you go..." he continues catching my tears, until no more fell. I sniffled and gasped as his hands fell to my shoulders, dragging me into a hug. Even with the tons of snot getting on his shirt— he still ignored. "I shouldn't... it was a bad time."
After a while of rocking back and forth, I secure my grip around the present and mumble in his ear,
"I want to break up."
And as the words hit, he stopped in place. I could feel his body tense up.
"W-what..?" My free hand which was originally attached to my side, ran up his back and into his hair. I grabbed at it, and ran my hand in a soothing motion among it. I didn't say anything else. "You... mean it?" Still, no words left my tongue. But as if he heard my mind, I feel him loosen his muscles and this time it was him looking for comfort.
All I could do was calm him with my hand as it continued to run through his loose strands. None of us said anything after that. Our actions said it all, we were upset. Both of us, and all we could do was stay in each others grasp.
"C-can... can I kiss you one last time?" It was a surprising request. But no way could I reject, not when we were both in the need of help. So I pull away slightly and so did he as he turned to look me in the eyes. His irises were surrounded by red, it looked almost like he's been holding in tears. But it wasn't seen anymore as he closed his eyes and leaned in. This time I didn't hesitate. I pulled in as well and Connected my lips with his.
The hunger he would normally have wasn't there. It was nonexistent. All I could feel was regret, and all I could taste was the left over tears from my crying fit.
He was first to pull away as his head fell among my shoulder.
"Keep it." I blink back the water collecting in my eyes as I opened and closed my fingers around the gift. "You don't have to wear it, but keep it. If we can still be friends.... i'll be happy." I nod, and that's when I heard it. A sob.
Not from me, but him.
"I don't want to let go.." he laughs, but it was barely heard because of his cries. "I'm sorry." He whispers, finally backing away from our hug. "I'll let you go.." I almost tried reaching out to grab him, but he turned away so all I could see was his back.
Matthew.
I'm sorry.
I love someone else.
All I wanted to say didn't come out. Only I could hear it, and I had no way to say it to him.
All I could do was walk out just like he said.
I didn't look back.
I could only look down at the dog tag in my palm as I walked down the never ending hallway back to my dorm.
But I stop.
I stop and watched my present as everything around me broke and shattered. Everything was fading— fading to that color I despise so much.
I'm fainting.
I'm falling.
You need to remember—