Sam's P.O.V
Lauren came in I don't know what time. I was in my own world and time seemed to stand still. My notebook wasn't hidden well enough. Lauren saw the edge of it the book sticking out from under the pillow I had shoved it under moments before. She pulled out the book trying to get a reaction out of me. I grabbed onto her but there was no determination behind my action, no fight. She started to read out loud the words I had written down not long ago.
"Habits"
I eat my dinner in my bathtub
Then I go to s** clubs
Watching freaky people gettin' it on
It doesn't make me nervous
If anything I'm restless
Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all
I get home, I got the munchies
Binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub
Then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money
Dazed and kinda lonely
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Pick up daddies at the playground
How I spend my day time
Loosen up the frown,
Make them feel alive
Oh, make it fast and greasy
I'm numb and way too easy
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Ooh
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
Ooh
Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Ooh
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
She turned the page and I ripped the book out of her hands. She tried to grab it back and tore the curtain closed, blocking her out making sure that the message that I didn't want to talk was obviously clear. I heard her footsteps leave and a conversation started in another room. I could hear my name brought up several times but as soon as the topic was discussed there words were hushed to whispers.
If Camila thought that I was trying to get attention than I would prove that I wasn't. At the time it seemed like I as getting more but I knew that once the girls got used to me just being in the background they would accept that and move on, ignore me. All I needed to do was write a few songs a week and give them to someone and nobody would have a problem. I would become a machine. Just writing nothing else. I could survive without to much sleep, not like avoiding sleeping would be an issue at the moment.
Throughout the day all of the girls except for Camila came in to check on me even Demi and I barley knew her. Some of them just sat there trying to get me to acknowledge there presence. Some of them talked to me, asked me questions that I would never answer. Demi brought me some food knowing that if it wasn't recognized that I wasn't eating that I wouldn't.
The rest of the girls assumed that I didn't struggle with an eating disorder anymore, they were dead wrong. Over the past few months everything has been so out of my control I wanted to have control over at least one thing. That one thing happened to be pain and my weight. Nearly everyday at the least I would inflict a pain onto myself.
Not necessarily cutting that had happened before and it felt so good but I was to scared that they would find out from the scars. I had tried pinching myself until I bled on places they wouldn't check of they suspected me of a self harm. I had tried dozens of ways to hurt myself but none of them gave quite enough release.
Demi sat in my bed for two hours, when she realized that I wasn't going to do anything she left. I heard her shout "guys we need to talk. Meet me in the living room". I didn't move. Jesy came in and picked me up. She brought me to the living room. She sat me on the couch.
Demi said "I think everyone has noticed the change in Sam's behaviour over the past week". Wait. It's been a whole week. I thought it had only been a matter of hours. Maybe my internal clock was slowed down from the lack of care my body was receiving. Demi said "I think Sam needs help. Real help". I zoned out.
This person I don't even know wants to send me away to go to some freak job place to come out like a shiny new penny. No. I will not go. But if I do I'll get away from Camila. But, NO. I argued internally. A battle between the two sides of my mind.
I curled up into a ball, squeezing my head. Trying to get the screaming voices out of my mind. They were shouting at me, pounding at my skull. I made my hands into fists, stabbing the skin of my palm with my nails. The skin was still broken from last time so the blood came faster. Once the pain stopped growing I went back to crushing head, trying to rid myself of the bloody battle raging inside my head.
Nobody took notice of my struggle. They were arguing, over me. This isn't how it was supposed to be. They were supposed to be forgetting about me not spending more time on me. Camila was silent. Not a word slid between her lips. It seemed as if she didn't know which side to take. One way she would rid herself of me, no questions asked. On the other side it won't bad great publicity for her if the new headlines are "little Cabello is a nut job big sister fault". No that wouldn't be good at all. Camila had a very hard dissuasion ahead of her. My fate was in her hands.
A/N the song is not mine all rights go to original owners. The song is Habits by Tove Lo. All rights go to whoever owns it.