"Heart felt people with no heart."
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I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the day, what I had on, what I was doing. I can remember the smells, the laughter I heard. I can remember the weather, it was a warm fall day in September. I remember looking at a clouds trying to figure out if it looked like a clown or a strangely deformed dog.
"C'mere lil girl." She said to me in a low query voice.
I stopped in my little tracks and stared at her, sitting lazily on the couch
"Yes?"My voice was small and high pitched. It rung in my ears with its annoyance. The air was filled with a strange pasty smell I was all too familiar with a clod of thick fray smoke circling around us from the cigarette she held in her hand. I was rather bored and lonely that day. That's what I remember about it, being bored and lonely. It was feeling that I knew all to well, along with that feeling of mistrust every time I looked at her, and that slight feeling of love that I never admitted that I had. I saw that when I looked into her eyes. I felt it, it was there alright, but that was like a feather falling on my skin. It was felt, but barely.
"Where have you been?" She asked me, slowly with coughs following behind. I watched as she leaned forward in the grey sofa to dump the ashes into a small red ash tray.
I was silent for a moment. Not out of fear, not out of hesitation, just because my mind hadn't yet signal for my lips and my tongue to start moving.
"I asked you a question, girl."
"No where." I answered.
Her eyebrow instantly raised, going as high as it could go, and her lips pursing upon her light colored skin."Oh, yeah? Where's that?"
I didn't answer. Not because I didn't know how to answer. It was because her her hazel green eyes made me feel so uncomfortable that If I were to answer my explanation wouldn't have made much sense. So i chose to stand and look stupid, rather than answer the question in the same sassy way I knew I was capable of.
"I'm waiting."
Still, I stared, and still her lips remained pursed. It stayed that way for a moment then she relaxed her expression. She began to shift herself on the couch to where there was room next to her. " Come sit next to me, girl."
I don't know what made me go without any reluctance or hesitation. I was a robot, excepting her commands and obeying her orders. It was almost as if I was her slave, unwillingly. She place her arm over shoulder and pulled my closer to her. She was warm, her skin was smooth as it brushed against my long lanky arms. She smelled exactly like an ash tray. The smell irritated me as it burned my nostrils more than the oder of the apartment building. "I know where you been." She said slowly as she began to rub my hair with her hands; I could feel her long manicured nails scraping at my scalp."You were back at that church, weren't you?"
Fear struck my and my heart began to beat. I tried to mask the fear that was on my face. My mind instantly went back to when she told me to never go back there. "Let me tell you something, girl. I'm your momma. You know what that means? It means, whatever I say, you do." She spoke in a calm voice, but I could still sense the threatening tone She was giving me."Now, I'm here to take those little fairy tails out of your head, because this..."She began waving her hand in the air. "This is the real world. God. Jesus. Mary. Joseph. None of that shit exists. That is just something people do to trick people in givin' them money. He don't exists. And that music....whatever that shit is you be doing down there with that damn woman. That ain't gone get you no where. You ain't got talent. You ain't gon be good for nothing but sitting running these streets. Just wait until you're older. You gone be just like Leena. Leena do what she's supposed to do. She do what I tell her to do, and you will to." I stopped and took her cigarette out her mouth and brushed away the ashes that had fallen in her lap. "Why can't you be more like your sister. You're so damn uncooperative, just like your daddy.
"I'm all you got, girl. You ain't gon do nothin' without me. Where you gon go? What you gon be? Nothing. I'm the one who is gon teach all you need to know for when you grow up. I'm telling you right now, girl, that damn piano ain't gon get you no where, you here?" I could feel her hands on me, but I wouldn't look at her. I couldn't bring myself to. "Don't make me have to tell you this again. It's bad enough momma put all this shit in our head. Now her ass wanna go and die and leave me to fix what's been broken. You look like her, you know that don't you. You favor her some. You look like a Haughton because of that. The rest you got from your daddy. I remember him. He was a drunk. He didn't want you either. I told him I was pregnant with you and I didn't hear from his ass again. Ain't that somethin'? At least Aleena's daddy stuck around. Your's just left." She snickered. " I wish I would've never gave him this, then he wouldn't have given me you. I fell for a man with a voice....shit....you need to stay away from those honey. Especially them mixed ones. They maybe cute, but they ain't no better than a hoe."
I felt her finger tips curl under my chin, pulling my head so that I could look at her. " What would you do if I had died?"She asked faintly. "I tell what you would do. Nothing. Nothing at all. 'Cause you ain't nothin' without me. Nothing at all. You need me. So if you wanna keep me, stay away from that damned church!"She hissed through her teeth. "Go! Melvin will be here in a minute. Get outta here."
I wasted no time jumping from the couch and heading towards the room I shared with Leena. It was empty. She was not home yet. I climbed unto the bed we shared together and tried to push away what she had just told me. Her voice echoed through my head ' You ain't nothin' without me..' I believed her. I wasn't. I was just a little girl. What was I supposed to be? All I knew was this. All I knew was her..and Melvin. Leena had disappeared on her own will. She wasn't coming back. She was there but she wasn't. Like the wanted presence of a lost loved one. She had died in my world. Even though it was her hands that combed my hair everyday, and her voice that told me when I was doing something wrong, she was not there. She was just an empty carcass.
My journal was sitting right next to my leg, slightly hidden under a bundle of white sheets. Mrs. Diane had given it to me just a few months before. It was thick with a red leather covering that had little swirl stitchings. i began running my small hand across the lining before I opened it to one of the pages. I looked around the messy room in search of a pen. I turned to the bed side table and pulled out the drawer. It was filled with papers. I began to look through it I felt my fingers come across one that felt like one. I pulled it to see that it was a blue ink pen. I hated writing in blue ink, or any other colored ink that wasn't black. I threw it aside and began my search for another one."Hey, girl."
I jumped as fear struckmy heart again, causing it to beat a thousands beats per minute. I looked up horrified to see Melvin standing in the doorway with Leena standing next to him. There was a slightly apologetic look on her face youthful face. I thought for a moment it was because he had scared me half to death, but there was something else there. Fear? Hurt? Sympathy? What was there? It was hard for me to tell. I took my attention off of her and looked at him."Huh?"
He had a weird look on his face. His lips were in a weird devilish looking smirk plastered upon his face. I was too confused to be scared at that moment. I watched as he told Leena to leave the room. I instantly became scared after seeing that because I thought Danielle had told him about me going to that church after I was told not to. i thought I was about to get a spanking. I thought that he was about to whip out his belt and beat me with it. I remembering feeling the tears build up in my eyes.
When the door was closed shut he turned to me. "You're momma told me that you have come of age." He said.
"I"m only nine." My voice was shaky.
"So? Leena was six."
"What are you talking about?" I asked him.
He was walking across the room now, towards the bed, kicking all the toys and shoes that was in his was his way." You know, out of the two of you, you are the one I have the most problems out of. Leena dpn't give me half the troubles you do. It's bad enough you're already here, but you need to know that i pay all the bills in this house. Dani don't do shit. Do you want me to kick you and Dani out on the streets?"
I shook my head. "No."
He sat on the side of the bed."I know you don't. You like living here don't you?"
"Yes," I lied. I was shaking, my body temperatures rising the more my heart began to pump out of my chest. I knew what this man was capable of. I knew what he did to people and I thought for a moment I was gonna die. He was gonna kill me. He was gonna pull out his gun and shoot me right there in that messy bedroom. For moment I thought that my loneliness would end right then and there I would be on my way to heaven and meet my grandma there. For a moment I thought It would be over.
"No, you don't,cause if you did you would respect your mother's wishes." he pulled himself closer to me. You know, you're a pretty girl. You and your sister are. You will have boys chase after you when you're older. Just like your sister. She's only eleven and she has the whole block after her. Don't you wanna be like her. Want all the attention from all the guys?"
"Yes.." I answered innocently.
" Of course you do, every girl does." He began touching my pony tail. "You're gonna need to know how to keep them running though." He said as he had dropped down to my shoulder. It was cold and hard. I didn't like the feeling it had given me. Shivering up and down my spine. "You know, it's my job to teach you." He said as he leaned in to me, his breath began dancing across my face. And then, suddenly, his large hands grabbed my small ankles tightly and pulled me down unto the hard mattress, my face became hidden mysteriously under the sheets. Feeling it was out of the question. I could hear it. The loud taring of my underwear being pulled from around my waist was piercing to my ears. I knew this was wrong. I knew this didn't sound right, feel right. But I didn't know what to do. I was lost. My mind had gone into a complete shock. I was so young, what was I supposed to do?
I remember the feeling clearly, as well. It was as if a huge knife was being shoved inside of me. Burning like fire. Like a stick of hot steel being pushed inside me. Hot tears began to fill at my eyes and I let out a cry. Telling him stop. "Stop, stop!" I said, wailing at the top of my lungs. "This hurts! It hurts! LEENA! LEENA! Leena...." Why does this hurt so much, what is he doing to me. He is hurting me. I wanted it to stop. God, please let him stop. This hurt!!!
There was always a clock I never paid much attention to. A clock that sat high on a wall, watching us day by day as we lived through a world in shades of greys. I watched that minute hand...it was though it dragged on. Dragged on, and on, and on.....and on.....and on.....and on..... I watched it and it watched me. It was as though it was sick. It could barely move and continue it's task for much longer. It was though it was dying and eventually it will come to a stop. Then everything will be frozen in time. Maybe I could take time back. Take back everything that had happened. Maybe I could stop the day I was actually brought into this world. Yes... that would be perfect. To have never been born. To not endure this pain. This suffering. That would be perfect.
He pulled out of me and stood from the bed. I remember hearing his breathing. It was heavy, and broken, and the sound of his belt buckle jiggling. Metal against metal. I hated that sound so much. He didn't say anything to me. I didn't say anything to him. I just laid there, my legs were limp, lifeless. I could no longer feel them. That wasn't the only thing I could not feel. everything just had became numb. Everything that I was, was gone. The inside of me was frozen over. Like winter. I always liked the the winter, A world filled with such fragile things. A world filled with flawed beauty, bare and white. I've always loved that.
My heart was gone and I was lost. Every piece of me. every courage, trust, love, smile. It was sucked out of me. And I was left to die. To bare the pain of this for the rest of my cold days. Loneliness became lonely and it was killing me. Anger became anger, and it was angry with me. I wanted to self destruct go away as the tears continued to flow done my youthful face. Oh, that pain, that pain, my heart was throbbing; a knife was pushed through it and was left there to bleed. I wanted to die. Oh, why didn't he just kill me?
WHY?
Why didn't he just kill me, put me out of the misery I was living in.
No one wanted me. No one loved me. I was nothing to them. They didn't love me. My tears and sobs was left unheard. Silenced. Echoing into the darkness. I laid there waiting for death to take me away.
I remember exactly how I felt: I was just a carcass. A dead carcass
Leena'sPOV
"Liyah! We need you on set!" Someone had screamed at least ten times in the past five minutes. I wasn't exactly sure who it was I just knew that people were running around like wild chickens looking for her. " Where's Liyah?" One said.
"Did she leave?!" Goes another.
"Check the dressing room!"
"We need this shoot finished today!"
We were at a magazine shoot for Vogue magazine. There was going to be a spread, and it was the first time in history that a group would be on the cover. So this was a really big deal. I could see why they all were losing their minds looking for her. The thing about it was, no one saw her leave the set at all. I think we were all too deep into watching everyone that we were just too occupied to see her go out. She didn't say anything about her leaving, she just slipped away. "Leena go check and see if she's in the dressing room."Someone had told me. I wasn't sure who it was.
I let out a sigh and stood up from my chair, but as soon as I turned around she was walking back towards the set with a bottled water in her hand a look of of utter confusion on her face."Why is everyone running around here like they're crazy?" She asked.
"They're looking for you! Where have you been?"
"The bathroom."She told me as placed a couple of pills in her mouth.
"In the bathroom doing what?" I asked her." And what is that you're taking."
"Ibuprofen, and I had to pee." She sat down in her chair and started drinking her water. She looked worn and tired, as if she hadn't eaten or slept in days. We hadn't talked in a while. Not since that whole thing had happened with Melvin. She made it very obvious that she was pissed at me and wasn't ready to talk about the situation, even though it had happened over a month ago.
"Why are you taking Ibuprofen? What's wrong?" I asked.
"I have a headache."She snapped."Why do I feel like I'm being questioned by a bunch of detectives?"
"I"m sorry, I was just trying to show some concern, damn."I rolled my eyes and sat down next to her.
"Liyah! There you are."Donna came running towards us, pulling us up. "You're needed on set right now." She pulled her from the set and brought over to the make up crew who immediately began touching up her makeup. That gave her a black leather jacket to put on, but nothing to go underneath. That was something that I thought was pretty hot, but I was surprised she didn't even argue with them. I guess she decided that she was too tired to argue about what she would and would not wear.
The other girls came and took their seats along with Alana who followed me here because she was curious about the whole thing. She sat down in Liyah's chair with a sigh and looked at me."All that just to find her?"
I shrugged my shoulders and picked up her bottled water and began to drink from it.
"She look pretty tired."
"We all are Laney." I said.
"No, she looks weak and tired. You don't see that."
I looked at my sister who standing on the set now while everyone positioned her brown her in the right place. She was looking towards the floor, as though she was completely out of it. She seemed a little sad if you asked me and for a moment I thought I was looking at the Aj she used to be, and not the Liyah I was beginning to know. There was no life in her hazel brown eyes. Besides the makeup her skin looked dull. It made me wonder if she and Michael were having problems. They had recently moved in together and I thought she would be jumping off the walls and everything with all the sex she was probably getting. I wasn't sure if that was it or not.
We all watched as her photo-shoot began. It was quiet. The only sound that had existed was the sound of the cameras flashing and our photographer telling her what he wanted us to do. I had to admit despite all that was there, she did look beautiful. Extremely gorgeous. There was a wind machine that was blowing her hair over her shoulders as she looked into the camera. Her eyes piercing into everyone's soul. "Liyah, can you look over to the side now?"He asked her. She did as she was told as she pulled the jacket tighter against her body. "Alright, now I want you to look into the camera and do that thing you do with your eyebrow. Make it sexy Liyah." He told her.
Her eyebrow quirked up and gave a fierce look with her eyes."Yes! Give me a few more like that!" He said. She took a couple more and he began to switch out the camera."Liyah,"He said as he looked up at her."Lose the jacket."
Everyone of us began to laugh as soon as those words slipped out his mouth."She's not gonna take off that jacket."Jojo said.
"Why wouldn't she take off the jacket?" Alana asked.
"Liyah don't do stuff like that. I'm surprise she let them make her wear just that jacket." I explained.
"Yeah, the last they tried to make her take off her shirt she flipped out on them."
"Liyah!" he said again.
Her head popped up."Huh?"
"Lose the jacket." He said.
"What?"She asked as though she wasn't comprehending.
"Lose. the. jacket." he repeated slowly.
She looked at him for a moment then said, "Oh, okay." she pulled off the jacket and threw to the side for someone to pick up.
My mouth dropped.
"Did she just do that?" Jojo asked me.
"I think she did." She was probably the only one out of all of us who could get away with it. My boobs were entirely too big and it would probably turn into a shoot for Playboy and not Vogue.
"What's wrong with her? She looks sick." Nikki asked as she stood up from the her seat.
"Oh please, she's not sick." De said. "She's just being cooperative for once in her life."
Liyah covered herself up and everyone who was watching began to cheer her own. They turned the wind machine up a little to make her hair fly. "Go Liyah!" They said.
"Liyah I'm loving that look you have in your eyes. Keep that look!" He told her.
"She looks so sad."Alana said.
My heart began to beat as I watched her. It began to beat because I knew something was wrong with her then. Something was just...off.
"She looks high."Jojo said, deadpan.
"Something's wrong with her."Nikki said." I can look at her and tell.'
I looked back at my little sister. That look that the photographer loved so much was gone now and was replaced with a look of death. The people began to crowd around her to fix her hair and I could see for real this time that something was wrong. Her eyes was beginning to roll in the back over head slowly. I could see the white part. Her face instantly looked stoned, changing a pale brown color, and with that she fell over into someone's arms. Her eyes closed and her head rolling slowly over to the sides.
People began screaming and wailing as they rushed over to her in a panic. For me there was a sickening feeling in my stomach as I ran over to her, calling her name, and slowly saying a prayer to myself asking God for her not to be dead. I took her out of one of the make up artists arms and began searching for a pulse as Nikki took the jacket to cover her breasts. " Is she breathing? What happened to her?"
I placed my finger over her hot skin and sighed with relief when I felt a response.
"Call Michael!" I heard someone scream.
"No,"I screamed back."somebody call an ambulance!"