Zayn and I had agreed to tell the boys on the last night of the European leg in Portugal, but Zayn made it very clear that he wanted it to seem like it wasn't a big deal, so he left it all to me in finding a way to casually bring it up. No pressure or anything.
Zayn's anxiety about the whole situation on the way to Lisbon was pretty bad, to be honest. He kept telling me how worried he was that the lads were going to be uncomfortable or judgmental, or that they would treat us differently, and it made me feel like shit that he was that scared about it. I truly didn't believe that was going to happen, but it made me think about the hardships that the LGBT community faced, that people feel so afraid, causing them to hide how they felt to avoid being discriminated against. It was such a sad reality and we were kind of living it, but under a strict boyband management and the watchful eye of the media, which was even worse.
But when all was said and done, Louis, Niall and Liam were our brothers. We were all family and in my heart I knew that they would support us no matter what because I trusted them. That's what I continued telling Zayn as I tried to alleviate some of his anxiety.
We had been sat around my hotel room after our final show playing video games and bullshitting - the typical routine. I knew at some point I had to break the ice, but there hadn't seemed to be the proper moment in conversation yet.
"We really ought to section off a part of the crowd for just the dads, I think," said Liam, sipping on a gin and tonic. "Poor guys looked like they were in pain from all the screaming."
"Agreed," I said with a nod.
"That's the part of the stage you'll be sticking round, Harry. You love a Dad," Niall added with a laugh.
Zayn and I exchanged looks; I stifled a laugh.
"Not to change the subject, but I swear some of these fans are literally mad. Like, straight up mental," Louis interrupted as he laid in an armchair scrolling through twitter. "The shit that I read sometimes gets on me last nerve."
"Oh what now?" Liam asked.
"Just more bullshit about how management is supposedly keeping Harry and me apart, these outrageous conspiracy theory proofs - shit. Just the rudest remarks about Eleanor. Like, it's really fucking her up. If I had known everything was going to be taken this far, I would have never bothered to joke around with you at all, Harry."
I tried to avoid looking at stuff like that regarding Larry, but I knew that Louis saw most things. It was seemingly never ending. The truth was that our management suggested that Louis and I chilled out on outwardly displaying our friendship because we had complained about the rumors. We made that conscious decision and we agreed that it was for the best. We also took part of the blame for initially fueling the fire when we thought it was funny, but it wasn't funny anymore. There were no contracts that forbade us to be together because 1. we weren't even together and 2. the only contracts that we had ever signed were for our five album deal. Whatever the fans drummed up afterward was fueled solely based on what they still wanted to believe.
"I know Lou, but what's done is done. Just ignore it now. People will always assume that they have us all figured out when they have no idea what's really going on. I mean, they're so keen on it being me and you when it's actually me and Zayn."
Was that subtle?
Niall and Louis laughed, which meant they obviously thought I was kidding. The other pair that the fans seemed to believe in whole heartedly was Zayn and Liam, which was laughable at best, but neither of them were ever that bothered and to be fair, it never escalated in the same way. Liam thought it was hilarious though, which is why he cracked jokes about it so often.
"Isn't it supposedly me and Zayn?"
How did I know Liam was going to say that.
"No, it's definitely me and Zayn," I corrected him.
Liam was obviously not picking up on the fact that I was actually trying to be serious, so I shot him a look. The boys all kind of glanced at each other, and then they all looked at me and Zayn. I felt Zayn squeeze my thigh.
"I'm confused, am I missing something here? What's going on right now?" Louis questioned, looking bewildered.
"I've just told you," I answered.
The boys grew silent.
"Oh for crying out loud! He's saying that they're together. Harry and Zayn are together." Liam finally broke. "Zarry is real. Sorry mate, please don't have my bollocks removed," he added, looking at me apologetically.
"It's okay Liam. I know that Harry told you," said Zayn, finally speaking up.
"Wait, what the hell? Is this a prank or are you actually being serious?" Niall asked, putting down the video game controller.
"They're being serious Niall," Liam answered.
I nodded and Zayn remained quiet.
"Oh shit. Okay then, since when? When did all this happen?" Louis looked especially taken aback by this information.
"Uh...I guess technically since Italy but it kind of started right before the UK leg of tour," I answered truthfully, fidgeting with one of Zayn's rings that I was wearing.
"That long? Bloody hell lad. I just wanna know something...how did Liam know about this and not us? Why not tell me and Niall?" Louis questioned, sounding genuinely offended.
"Well the thing is, Liam only knew because I had accidentally texted him drunk one night instead of Zayn."
"This is true, and I got all Harry's nudie pics. Made them into a nice little collage as my mobile phone wallpaper."
Zayn raised his eyebrows at Liam.
"Excuse me?"
"Zayn I'm joking...I'm joking," Liam replied with a short nervous laugh.
Good God, I loved the kid but sometimes I wished that Liam could just shut up for one second.
"So is this like...you guys coming out? Is that what this is right now?" Louis questioned, looking between me and Zayn.
I felt Zayn shift uncomfortably beside me and even I wasn't sure what to say. I was surprised that Zayn had decided to answer the question.
"No, it's not like that...we just have this thing between us, just me and Harry. We don't really have a label for it and we just wanted you all to know. It doesn't have to be a big deal. I don't want anything to be weird."
"Exactly," I agreed.
"Alright. Well, whatever it is going on between you two, I'm cool with it," Niall said, raising his glass in the air. "Cheers! Nothing has to be weird at all."
"Thank you Niall. It's just something between me and Zayn but we decided it'd be better to just let you know rather than hiding it. We'd prefer it if things could stay the same within the group as much as possible," I explained further, hoping they'd understand.
"Like, we can all just carry on as usual. Harry and I won't be waving our private shit around you do know what I mean? " Zayn added.
"Look lads, I support you both. You're me mates and however you feel and whatever you wanna do is your business, but I hope you realize that there's no fucking way you can come out about this to Modest or to the public," said Louis.
I knew someone was going to bring that up.
"No shit, Louis. We know this already and we're only telling you lot. We're obviously going to keep it under wraps. I mean, did any of you suspect anything? Honestly? And Liam doesn't count."
"Banging on the walls..." Liam interjected.
I chucked a pillow at his face.
"Honestly no," said Niall. "But your secret is safe with us."
I smiled, appreciating Niall's laid back personality now more than ever.
"Well I'm not that surprised by you, Harry. Zayn though...really didn't see that one coming," Louis said, looking rather amused.
"Not surprised by me?" I asked.
"If anyone was gonna actually be into guys I woulda totally bet all me money on you, hands down," Louis replied with a shrug.
"Well, not guys. Just Zayn," I corrected him, brushing my hand against Zayn's thigh.
Zayn returned the gesture by placing his hand on my knee, rubbing it lightly.
"Aw, how cute," Niall remarked playfully.
"Alright lovebirds...I support this, so long as the two of you don't have some dramatic falling out and rip the band apart, because then I'll have to murder you both."
It had become very obvious that this was Liam's primary concern.
Zayn offered Liam some reassurance.
"We won't let that happen, mate. Don't worry. The band means everything to us."
I decided that it had all gone rather well. The lads seemed to be fine with me and Zayn and didn't question us about it any further throughout the night. They all agreed to carry our secret around and claimed that they would help to keep it hidden from everyone else. Zayn and I felt more of a sense of relief after that. We knew we'd still have to sneak around, but at least we could be a little more of ourselves when we around just Liam, Niall and Louis, which was nice. Now all that was left to do was for Zayn to break things off with Perrie.