I had cried myself to sleep.
Fell asleep, for what seemed like only an hour, woke up crying again and I wasn't even sure why. I shouldn't be feeling this way about Ariana.
Usually, I would manage to keep it all in, but this time too much things were on my mind and I could not cope with it anymore. I was curled up in a ball underneath my duvet as to isolate the rest of the world. I loved having this space to think. I had no idea what time it was, if it was still night time or day time.
A slight knock was heard from the other side of my door.
"Y/N, can I come in?" It was Dominique.
"Sure." I could not find the strength to put any emotions into my words.
The door slightly opened as I poked my head out of under the duvet to look at the door and saw Dominique's head sticking out of my bedroom door. When she saw it was okay to come in, she opened the door more and I saw she was holding two cups of hot cocoa.
I smiled at the gesture and suddenly felt like a kid again.
"Thought you may need this as you haven't been out of that room since Ariana left yesterday evening." Dominique said and she sat right next to me on the bed. She placed the two hot cups of cocoa on the bedside table.
Had I really been crying and under this duvet over night? I guess my mind really did go on overdrive.
"What time is it? Is mom back safe at the center?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to know.
"It's a little past 11am Snorlax. And yes, of course she is. Do you think I'd be here if she wasn't?" I chuckled.
"So I guess your talk with Ariana didn't go really well?" Dominique asked, straight to the point. I shook my head silently.
"I could tell. She was already nearly crying when she came to say bye to your mom." Dominique said as she kept her eyes on me. I remained silent.
"You need to get out from under these covers, girl. No matter what happened or what was said, you gotta get right back up and keep moving. Moping isn't going to solve your problems." She said to me.
I loved her for that. She was never afraid of calling me out. She was right, I did need to get my shit together and solve the problems I had. Right now they were called Ariana and Courtney.
"You like her don't you?" Dominique caught me by surprise with those words.
I turned to sit up and grab the hot chocolate, slowly bringing it to my lips, testing the warmth first as to not burn myself.
I don't know if I was ready to get into my feelings.
"You don't have to say it, I know you do. The way you two connect is very visible even to a blind person."
"I'm with Courtney." That was the only thing I could say.
Dominique seemed hesitant and she went to say something but quickly stopped. She then looked at me and sighed.
"Y/N, gotta tell you something. I promised your mom I wouldn't but I can't keep it a secret for much longer." She started and I instantly became panicked.
If this was bad news, I really did not have the strength to hear it. I grew very nervous watching her struggle to find words on how to start saying what she needed to say.
"Your mom and I are together, Y/N. I really love her."
I was at a loss for any words whatsoever and felt my jaw drop. I had no idea, not even suspected anything going on.
Dominique noticed that I was not saying anything and she was getting extremely nervous.
"I've loved your mom even while your dad was still alive. I've had to watch the woman who I found out over time to be the love of my life, love another man while I pretended to be happy in my own marriage. Don't get me wrong, Robert was a kind man and a great dad, but he was not who I loved in that way."
The words kept hitting me really hard across the head and I seriously didn't know what to say. I realized that I was still holding the hot chocolate as I had accidentally tilted it and it started dripping onto my bed sheets. I quickly placed the hot chocolate down and lightly coughed as I felt my throat go completely dry.
"I had no idea." Was all I could say to Dominique's confession. It all made sense now though as to why she was so dedicated to my mom and how she was always there for her.
"Of course you wouldn't know. Only your mom and I know, or at least when she has good days. So let's please keep this our little secret for now."
"Dominique I –" She interrupted me.
"All these years loving your mother from a distance was hard. I always kept denying it to myself, tried to reason myself and even discussed of moving away with Robert at one point because I couldn't handle being close to your mom without having the right to call her mine. Of course, Robert thought it was because I was wanting a transfer to a different hospital." She paused for a brief moment.
"When your dad passed away, she was, rightfully so, completely devastated. I wanted to shelter her from all the pain in the world. I watched her slowly fall into a very dark place and lose herself to it. You know I lost Robert as well and we both found ourselves coping with loss." She paused again, most likely trying to find the words to express herself.
"You know how hard it was when she fell in that black hole, this heavy drinking and rehab she had to go through? It tore me in two just as much as it did for you. But I never wanted to give up on her."
"We had such long nights of deep talks, about life, about our past, about our regrets and about the hardships we had to endure. That night we became extremely close. And I found myself throwing myself into the water by admitting my feelings. I was so afraid that she was going to leave me to drown. But she came through and pulled me out of the water. And we kissed, and it was magical. Everything just felt like it was the way it was supposed to be."
She paused, looked at me and saw that I was still trying to process all these confessions she was throwing at me. She inhaled sharply and sighed afterwards.
"Y/N, the point I'm trying to make is that the person you are with and the person you are meant to be with are not always the same person, no matter what steps in life you've already taken."
She paused again for a longer time and this time looked up at me seeing as I wasn't saying anything.
"Ariana visited your mom quite frequently at the clinic. Your mom would tell her stories about her life, about you as a child, about your dad, what you've accomplished, and that for nearly every day since almost 4 months now. In return, Ariana seems to have bonded quite well with your mom too. It actually helped her a lot having someone there to listen to her, other than you and I, and I think it kind of helped Ariana too, to have a presence in her life. She's been through one hell of a ride you know?"
I was speechless.
"She also paid for your mom's bills. She said she wanted to do it because she didn't want us to worry anymore. You know how I got the clearance for your mom to be in that pricey clinic? Ariana arranged everything and pushed for it."
This explained everything as to why my mom called Courtney "Ariana" as she was having a bad day and was used to seeing Ariana, and not Courtney, more.
"You need to stop being so bitter. You need to stop looking at yourself in the mirror and pitying yourself. She's trying to be there for you, not necessarily as anything more than a friend, and you keep pushing her away without even letting her prove herself to you."
I was about to say something but decided against it. She was right, I needed to stop being so pitiful and be a bit more mature about the situation. I needed to process my emotions.
"If she's the person you're meant to be with, don't lose her from your line of sight."
I didn't say anything. Not sure I knew what to say at this exact moment.
Dominique sighed and got up, heading towards my door. She looked defeated and I remembered that she had just pretty much come out to me right then and my mom and her feelings for each other.
"Dominique." I said and she turned around, waiting for me to speak.
"I've always considered you to be my second mom. I'm just happy my mom has someone like you to love and take care of her. You both don't have to hide in front of me anymore." I offered a smile and she smiled back widely, both relieved and happy that I gave them my blessing.
"Now as your second mom, don't make me kick your ass – get up and go make things right with Ariana. You need to hear that girl out. She has suffered too. Her best friend pretty much broke contact with her, her boyfriend chose a life of addiction, and her boyfriend's best friend, who she connected with the most has hated her guts for nearly the past year. I'm not saying what she did and how she did it is forgivable, I'm just saying you need to cut her some slack and be there for her, the way she's secretly and indirectly been there for us."
She shut the door behind her. I turned to the bedside table and reached for my phone and quickly typed. She texted back almost immediately.