You were alone left out in the cold,
Too lost and hurting to carry your load
We all need someone to hold.
IED - Intermittent explosive disorder. That was the term that summed up the explanation of his behavior lately.l, a sper the diagnosis. Jaanki carefully read the entire report. The citations of his behavior to confirm the symptoms. The three cases against him on violent behavior with employees. The penalty tickets over the past few months for rash driving. There was a mention in the paragraph that of personal issues stated by the patient but undisclosed on request. She looked up at him, "what does that mean?"
He looked at the paper woth focus then her inhaling sharply. He shifted uncomfortably. "You.. remember..the day you spilled coffee." His words had intermittent pauses in between.
"I do.." she said softly rubbing the back of his palm.
He met her eyes. His eyes gleaming with unshed tears. "I was angry that day." He muttered trying hard to get words out. "I--I--you were concerned about me feeling the burn. But...I.." he took a sharp breath. "My hand..was ready to.." he lowered his head down in shame.
Jaanki's heart sank. "You were going to slap me?"
He pulled his hand back from her hold. "Maybe worse." Jaanki's heart trembled. Would he really, slap, strike or mistreat her?
"Somehow that day, I ..I didn't. I don't run away from you. It's my fear. That day, I realized you weren't safe around me. I have had terrible nightmares every night after that. The last thing I would want is for you to hate me. For you to see me as a tormentor. Jaanki, the guilt is unbearable. During thses episodes, I lose control over myself, I am not myself. It's like I zone out. Later there is only shame and guilt. I can't tolerate your resentment, Jaanki. I don't want you to... hate me." He confessed as a tear trickled down his cheek. She quickly rubbed it and hugged him. His arms instantly welcomed her. After minutes, she pulled back he rheart shivering in fear.
"Why is this happening to you?" She asked worried.
Avinash shook his head. "Three days later I have an appointment with a neuro-specialist. He will look into my reports and conclude if this is neurotic or psychotic."
"What does that mean?" She asked holding his hand firmly as fear caged her heart. he placed his hand on hers.
He smiled a little. "Whether your idiot has brain damage or he's just high for a while." He explained colloquially not wanting to use any more heavy terms.
"I think you are just high!" She declared leaning her head over his shoulder. Her heart still refusing to believe that all of it was true. "Avi, I think all of this is bullshit. You're okay and it's just this stupid inflated ego of yours thats driving you crazy. I always say, you should throw this ego out an eyou will make a great--"
"I wish!" He sighed cutting her off, leaning his head over hers. "I want you to let me go, Jaanki." He finally managed to say it aloud.
"Not in this birth. Certainly not now when you need me most." She answered immediately.
"Stubborn woman, let me leave you. I don't want my nightmares coming true." He spoke a little more confidently than before pulling away from her.
She took a deep breath pulling away from him. "It's a lot to sink." She mumbled honestly.
"I understand," he spoke kissing her temple.
"And you've been carrying it all alone. Idiot." She punched his arm expressing her disappointment.
"You understand me right?" He asked cupping her face. "I know I hurt you, Jaanki. I had no other way. You are stubborn I knew you wouldn't leave. But, please, Jaan - Do me a favor and let me leave!"
"I need time!" Jaanki said walking to her cupboard, to gather her clothes for the night. He fell silent and stared at the report. He began feeling the heat. The fact that he could control nothing made him suffocate. He wanted her to let him go. Why couldn't she just do that?
"I will be back!" He muttered standing up looking around for his car keys. He couldn't be around her, no when his anger was rising.
"Where--" Jaanki began but was interjected by his sharp voice.
"Don't!"
Her heart jumped at that. "Please don't drive. Be downstairs. Break whatever you want. Don't drive." She quickly pleaded, keeping the distance between them intact. He turned to stare at her as his nostrils flared. His jaw ticking like a time bomb. Otvwas only then, Jaanki understood deeply what he meant. Never had she thought that life would give them such a storm to face. One word that described her now was - fearful!
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Do vote and pour in your thoughts. What are your thoughts on these two now?
The next chapter will throw more light.
-Anami! ♡