"I'm going to the gym," I heard someone whispering, "Want to come?"
"No thanks. I should stay and take care of... this," Jax whispered back. I recognized his voice even in a whisper. I could only assume that when he said "this" he made some sort of gesture to me, pretending to still be asleep on the futon.
He must be talking with Blake, although I never heard him come in last night. Maybe I could just pretend to be asleep forever. Yeah. That sure seemed like a better plan than facing off with a very angry Jax.
"Go easy on her," Blake whispered, "I'll see you later."
Then, I heard the door close and I was left to an uncomfortable silence. Well... I guess not that uncomfortable since Jax thought I was still asleep.
I wondered what even happened last night... it was all so blurry. I remembered being at the party, talking with Hannah, meeting some creepy dude whose name I forgot, and a very angry Jaxon who showed up and... and I couldn't remember after that.
"I know you're awake, Emery," Jaxon's powerful voice drifted to me.
"What?" I questioned, "How did you know that?"
"You're face is all scrunched up like you do when you're thinking too hard."
"Oh," I said, slowly pushing myself up into a sitting position. My head throbbed and I felt a little nauseous, but overall, I should have felt much, much worse. "I'm scared to face you," I admitted.
"You should be." Jax said, moving to lean against his half-lofted bed. "How do you feel?"
"Guilty," I blurted, using my fingers to clear some makeup from beneath my eyes.
He smirked. "I meant physically."
"Oh... not great, but definitely a lot better than I would have thought."
"Good," he crossed his arms over his chest, assessing me. The movement made the veins in his forearms pop, and I had to put serious effort into tearing my eyes away.
"So... let's get this over with then," I sighed.
"Get what other with?"
"The yelling? The lecture?"
"You won't get either of that from me. You're an adult. You know what you did was wrong." I know it shouldn't have bothered me, but his matter-of-fact tone made me feel like a child.
"Well..." I started, preparing to argue, but then I realized it wasn't worth it. Besides, I still wasn't sure what happened once he found me last night. "Yeah. You're right. I'm sorry."
He ran a hand over his face. "You're sorry?" He asked, "That's it?"
"Yes?"
"That's bullshit, Emery," he deadpanned, locking his intimidating stare on me.
"I'm sorry, Jaxon. I'm not sure what else you want me to say! If I'm being totally honest, I'm not sorry that I went to the party. But I am sorry that I lied to you to do it, and that I got way too drunk..."
"Seriously? I just don't understand you. You don't regret going? Going to that party could have jeopardized my job or even worse, your safety," he was angry now, barely keeping his voice low enough so people couldn't hear us outside the door.
"But it didn't! I went to the party and still got back here just fine. I didn't make any mistakes with my identity, and it wasn't a risk being there," I justified.
"But it could have been. That's what you're not fucking getting. You leaving and not telling me where you were going was the worst possible decision you could make while you're in the WPP. And leaving your phone behind could have been a fatal mistake, which is a concept you don't seem to grasp," he paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. "It's not ideal, but I'm here with you for a reason. If the WPP thought a simple location and identity change would keep you safe, then you wouldn't need me. And for the record, the only reason you got back here safe and sound without being hurt was because I carried you back here."
My eyes stung. He was right; I had been stupid. "Okay," I said, my voice sounding small. "I'm sorry; I really am. I shouldn't have gone... and I know that I got too drunk...," I continued. "It just felt so good to try and be normal again! Then I got carried away and took things too far, I can admit that, but I'm really trying to adjust here, Jax. I'm sorry; I'm not perfect and I'm not doing a good job, but I'll try and do better."
Finally, Jaxon looked up at me without a glare. Something in his face shifted from anger to sympathy. He ran a hand through his chocolate brown hair like he always did when he wasn't sure what to do with me.
"Say something, please... I don't like when you're mad at me," I said in a voice so quiet I wasn't sure if it was mine.
"God damn it, Emery. I'm not mad at you about the fact that you got too drunk—although yeah, that was annoying and inconvenient—but I'm fucking furious that you lied to me about going to the party. How can I keep you safe if I don't know where you are?"
"I..."
He put a finger up to silence me. "Hold on, I'm not done. Do you even understand what you put me through when I saw you weren't in your dorm? God, Emery, I swear you are the hardest person to keep safe. It's exhausting!"
I sighed. "Your job is to protect me from a murderous kingpin. Last I checked, he isn't here! You don't need to protect me from everything. I have to make my own mistakes and live my life, and yes, I'm going to make mistakes and get into some trouble, but you shouldn't feel like it's on you to keep me safe from common things like that guy from last night. I remember you stepping in, and as much as I appreciated it, you shouldn't feel the need to do that!"
"But I do!" Jaxon said, his voice raising a notch. "This is new for me too. I haven't ever had to protect someone that I actually..." he trailed off as if debating what to say next, "that I have actually grown to care about. So yeah, some of what I do for you is not in my job description, but can't you just accept that I want to be there for you as a friend?"
There was a looming silence between us as he stared at me. I knew Jax and I had come to an understanding, and I definitely considered him to be my friend at this point; I just hadn't expected for him to feel the same way.
"I can try," I relented, "and I really am sorry."
He sighed, walking over and dropping a hand down to me. "I know. I'm still pissed, but I'm also starving. We can keep talking about this over breakfast."
"Okay." I grabbed on, letting him pull me to my feet. It was here I noticed that I was wearing different clothes than the party dress I had on last night. I was in Jaxon's clothes, and I didn't remember how I got into them.
My thoughts must have been written on my face because Jaxon dropped my hand and let out a sigh. "Yeah... I had to help you change last night since you were so drunk. Don't worry though, your dress made it easy for me to change you without seeing anything."
I felt my face start to tinge pink at the thought of Jax dressing me. "Oh... okay, thanks."
"Go change," he said, giving me an easy out of this conversation.
*******
The bright California sun assaulted my eyes as we walked to breakfast. I had thrown on some jean shorts and an oversized hoodie. I still felt like crap and didn't have the energy to try any harder.
Jax insisted that we walk to a small cafe a little ways off campus, since he was getting sick of the dining hall breakfast options. We had gone here once before, and I remembered it being good... I just wasn't thrilled we'd have more privacy to argue if he hadn't said everything he wanted to say yet.
We had been walking in silence, which normally I wouldn't have minded, but today the lingering silence just made me feel more and more guilty. I hated seeing him distant and angry like this. Especially after the revelation that he cares about me. Jax cares. My handsome, closed-off, hard-ass bodyguard truly cares about me on a deeper level than just as a client.
I was deep in thought about this when again, a loud BANG sounded to my left. Before I knew what was even happening, Jaxon had linked one of his large, muscled arms around my waist, pulling me quickly and forcefully to his chest. I stumbled along with him as he quickly pulled us off the sidewalk, pressing me to the side of a college house. The paint was chipping off the wood as my sweatshirt rubbed against it.
I could feel the panic rising in my chest. The whole thing lasted only about 20 seconds, but time seemed to slow in moments like these. Jax kept me shielded with his body as he scanned the area, his hand placed on what looked to be a gun in the waistband of his pants. I shuddered hard.
After another 30 seconds or so, he backed up. "Just a truck backfiring. We're okay."
We're okay.
Except... I wasn't okay. If I thought the noise from the projector was bad, it was nothing compared to the backfire of a car. Even Jax had momentarily thought that it was a gunshot. My breathing increased and I longed to be held by Jaxon before we had a repeat panic attack situation.
Fuck it.
Without thinking too much about it, I reached out, latching my arms around his waist, and pressing my face to his muscled chest. I was trembling and fighting like hell to control my breathing. I was not about to have another panic attack. Not again.
It only took a second for Jaxon to return my hug, squeezing me tightly to him. He moved one of his large palms up to grip the back of my head, holding me to his chest. "Shhh. It's okay; you're safe."
"I know," I shivered, "I just need a minute."
"Okay," he said.
He didn't say anything else then, he just held me in a hug that I desperately needed but didn't necessarily deserve. After another minute, I felt like I got myself under control enough to continue walking, so I released my grip on him.
"You good?" He asked, letting his hands fall to his sides.
"I guess. Thank you... I needed that."
"Of course."
We started walking again, and hard as I tried, I couldn't stop staring at the gun in the waistband of Jax's jeans. You couldn't see it under his shirt, but I knew it was there.
"Do you always carry a gun?" I asked, quiet enough that no other pedestrians would hear me.
He nodded, "Always."
I wasn't sure what to say. Guns had always made me feel uneasy, but now after everything, they fucking terrified me. I couldn't imagine if Jax had to use that on someone to protect me. It was his job, but I was sure that still didn't make it easy.
As if he could read the thoughts on my face, he continued on. "It's just a precaution. The guys that are after you will definitely have guns, and they won't hesitate to shoot. I need to be prepared at all times."
I nodded. "Okay; then I want to be prepared to."
His steps faltered as he regarded me. "Huh?"
"Teach me to use one."
He shook his head. "You don't need to use one. I'll be here with you."
Now I was the one to stop walking, placing one of my hands on his thick forearm to stop him as well.
"Don't brush me off like that," I pleaded, "Look, I also hope that I'm never in a situation where I need to use the gun, but I don't want to be clueless if I do. Besides that, I'm sick of feeling queasy when I look at one and having panic attacks whenever I hear a similar sound. I need to get used to them... and I'd like it if you were the one to teach me."
Jaxon stared at me for a moment, his jaw was tight and his eyes unrelenting as if he was having an internal battle with himself. Finally, he nodded, "Okay, fine. I'll teach you. Now can we go inside? Seriously, I'm starving."
A small smile graced my face as we entered the cafe. I had won this small battle, and also, I would have killed for some blueberry pancakes.
______________________________________________
Hellooooo lovelies!
What do we think? Did Jax let Emery off the hook too easily?
See you next week! Thanks for reading ❤️
-Haley